Which one of us is unreasonable.

[Nikkko]

I need advise as to how to deal with my wife.
She has a fear of transport and has not been in any form of motorised transport for ten years. No car, bus, coach, tram, train... nothing. It's just pure luck that she hasn't needed an ambulance in all this time. We walk everywhere. No holiday for ten years. Our kids didn't have a holiday for 8 years until the only set of grandparents we see took them away.
Whenever anybody approaches the subject of trying to go even one stop on a bus as a starting point, she becomes defensive and says she can't be forced and she'll do it in her own time. Ten years later we are no nearer to a starting point!
Aside from her other personality problems (which my kids now notice now they are old enough to understand), this is an intolerable situation which is just getting worse.
She will not face up to this problem at all. I had ED for a while as I didn't want to be with her anymore and couldn't perform. Unaware of my feelings towards her she told me I had to go and see see someone as we couldn't be like this forever. When I told her she should do the same, she flew into a temper saying it's completely different.
Am I being unreasonable? Or is she? Or are we both? Please help.
I have almost walked out in the past, but cannot bear the thought of leaving the kids to cope with her. The kids are now 20 and 16. My eldest says at least if I leave now they won't be from a broken home!

If you want to leave then do it, and take the kids with you. They are old enough to choose where they want to be. I can't believe you have put up with it for so long. I feel for people with phobias but she is ruining the whole families lives not just her own.

Did something happen ten years ago to cause this? How was she before?

Ten years ago she had an anxiety attack in the car and just stopped going in it. She did try once more but got out in traffic when we were stationary and that was it.
I can't believe someone actually said to leave. I thought I was going to get a tirade of abuse about not being supportive enough. Thanks.

Also, as an additional thing. She also cannot be left alone which means I can't go anywhere with the kids and leave her at home or even with her parents.

Has she seen a doctor about it? If she can't be alone and needs to go everywhere on foot she's missing out on a lot of life. It doesn't sound healthy to me. If she gets panic attacks, there's help available.

I think an ultimatum is needed here. As harsh as it sounds she needs to get professional help for her phobia, as it's life-hindering not just for her, but you and your children, or you leave.

It's affecting your affection towards her, and it's understandable if it's having such a detrimental impact on your quality life. You've been supportive and understanding for the last 10 years, waiting for her to get help in her own time. But without a push she's never going to do it I her own time. The ultimatum is that push.

If she absolutely refuses any professional help then it's time for you to leave.

You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life.

Oh my.
How the hell have you put up with this for this long?
You need to start living!!!
This is total madness.
I have no idea what is wrong with her but she needs help.
But only SHE can do that.
You need out!
Life is so short and precious and this is no way to live it.
Not for you or your poor DC.
They are old enough now to deal with it all.
She won't get help - you cannot save her.
She can only save herself!

You have had the patience of a saint. I agree with PP, it's time for an ultimatum. Your DW either addresses her problems or you and the DC are leaving.

If she's prepared to make the effort, fair enough, give her time to get counselling, support her etc, but she needs to accept your point of view.

Perhaps you and the DC could tackle her together? She needs to realize how selfish her attitude is. You deserve better.

Why can she not be left alone? That is appalling that you at least have not been able to offer the children days out that involve travel.

Your wife absolutely needs help and support but professional. She is lucky to have had this much support from you, I would not have coped with these limitations on my life for ten years.

Thank you for these comments. I appreciate them.
She has seen doctors, councillors and a psychiatrist all to no avail. A councillor said there was nothing more they could do unless she tried to go on transport. She wouldn't do it. So the councillor discharged her back to the doctor. In her eyes the councillor abandoned her.

How do your DC’s feel?

Why don't you leave with the children? You are right it would be lunacy to leave them with her alone. Always take the children with you when leaving a severely mentally unwell person.

Ten years, I admire you for trying but that's enough. Leave and give the kids a choice to come with you. She has held this over you all for way too long.

She can't be alone? Walk out the door with the kids and trust me she will suddenly manage ok. It's up to her to reach out and get help if she wants to.

If you can't leave for whatever reason take the kids out for the day or a few days holiday. Believe me she will survive.

She's held you all over a barrel for way too long. You deserve a life. Get out and start living.

Nikkko, perhaps a visit to the GP might help? Book a double appointment. Tell them what you've told us. Don't hold anything back. Say you've reached the very end of your tether and that if you move out the NHS and, presumably, social services, will have to take up the slack (as DW will be essentially housebound) and someone will have to shop for her, etc.

The system often only actually steps in when the people who have done the thankless years of caring finally say they can't manage another day.

This situation isn’t healthy for you or your children. It’s not fair on anyone. 10 years and no solution. You need to put yourself and children first

A councillor said there was nothing more they could do unless she tried to go on transport.

Yes, the counsellor is right. Exposure therapy is really the only way with a phobia. Expose yourself to your fear bit-by-bit, increasing the time and level of exposure each time.

Has she considered hypnotherapy?

That sounds like a complete drain on your life - it's not fair, and it's not fair that she isn't trying to do anything about it, or even have a conversation about it.

I think leaving with the kids to your parents for even just a few days might be a good kickstart? and if you are comfortable and feel it's the right decision, consider leaving for the long term.

It's not a good quality of life or healthy environment for her, or for you and especially not for your kids.

She is being totally unreasonable - dictating everyone's lives because she's too scared to work on her phobia.

Just out of interest, why can she not be left alone? Is that another phobia or just a control issue.

Take the kids out for the day somewhere. Tell her if she doesn't want to be alone, she comes with you or arranges for a friend to visit. Set yourself free, please!

I really don't think anyone would give you a hard time for leaving.

What happens if she is alone?

I definitely think it is ultimatum time. It appears that you have been incredibly patient to the detriment of a normal family liffe . I think you should start planning a future without her if she won’t even try to address her issues.

This sounds awful and totally untenable. If she is unwilling to at least TRY to seek help there is really nothing more you can do, and you simply cannot put your life on hold any longer!

OMG she's made you all live these tiny lives, dancing around her issues when she's spent ten years doing nothing to address them? How incredibly controlling of her.

I can't believe you're still there tbh.

Leave as soon as possible. Take the kids and jump on a plane and have a lovely holiday.

You are describing my ex-MIL. She will barely go anywhere by car or public transport. When I married EXH there was a major performance about it and at various points we thought we would have to write off her attending. She doesn't think it's her problem and (AFAIK) she hasn't done anything about it.

Your DW has built herself a safety zone and won't leave it under any circumstances. Look up "avoidance" as a phobia management tactic as this is what she is doing. I'm so sorry you are living through this: I know I couldn't.

Arguably she's several steps ahead of me (agoraphobia related to other anxieties inc various phobias), but I am doing something about it.

It sounds like she refused to engage with mh services which isn't acceptable.

I have a cpn, I've seen paychiatrists, psychologists at various points, I'm on meds and working with my cpn primarily to get out of this rut- which is bloody miserable for me.

I'm guessing part of the reason it's ended up so bad for your wife is because everyone has accommodated her. I understand why but it didn't help her long term did it?

I think you do need to seriously consider leaving with the DC, at least temporarily.

Does she know it's reached this point? I think it's worth saying to her WITHOUT giving in to her fears that unless she agrees to properly engage with mh services you will be leaving with the DC - and mean it.

This cannot go on.

It is hard for your wife BELIEVE me I know, one of my phobias is something that I have to face several times daily, no option and it takes me a good hour or 2 to work up the nerve. Another I have to do weekly - I could potentially outsource it but that would be basically giving in completely and I'll be damned if that's going to happen.

If you can afford it, I'd consider private specialist phobia treatment.

Am I right in thinking they tried cbt, possibly with exposure response treatment? That's the standard for phobia & anxiety (and every other bloody thing!) on nhs.

But with extreme phobias it's more complex. Plus nhs don't have the resources to do the sometimes daily input needed.

I think you're dealing with a form of agoraphobia here. I'm guessing that even walking to places, there's only certain places she'll go to? At certain times?

People think agoraphobia is about fearing going outside at all, it's more nuanced than that.

Also has anyone discussed with her what a panic attack is and how to deal with it? I'll be surprised if not - but it's possible her fears on this have been dismissed rather than fully explored.

Very difficult situation for you all, but you're right it really can't continue.

I don't know what else to suggest other than she HAS to address it.

Taking a short bus trip seems like quite a leap for a first try - surely sitting in a parked car, with her holding the keys so nobody can surprise her and drive off would be a start. Or a bike.

But you certainly aren't unreasonable. She NEEDS to address this. What if you dropped dead one day(I'm sure you won't!)? But hypothetically. Who would stay with her then? She can't expect the kids to.

Obviously if leaving is what you want to do that would be totally understandable. But if this phobia could be dealt with would you still want to apart?