Which one of us is unreasonable.

[Nikkko]

I need advise as to how to deal with my wife.
She has a fear of transport and has not been in any form of motorised transport for ten years. No car, bus, coach, tram, train... nothing. It's just pure luck that she hasn't needed an ambulance in all this time. We walk everywhere. No holiday for ten years. Our kids didn't have a holiday for 8 years until the only set of grandparents we see took them away.
Whenever anybody approaches the subject of trying to go even one stop on a bus as a starting point, she becomes defensive and says she can't be forced and she'll do it in her own time. Ten years later we are no nearer to a starting point!
Aside from her other personality problems (which my kids now notice now they are old enough to understand), this is an intolerable situation which is just getting worse.
She will not face up to this problem at all. I had ED for a while as I didn't want to be with her anymore and couldn't perform. Unaware of my feelings towards her she told me I had to go and see see someone as we couldn't be like this forever. When I told her she should do the same, she flew into a temper saying it's completely different.
Am I being unreasonable? Or is she? Or are we both? Please help.
I have almost walked out in the past, but cannot bear the thought of leaving the kids to cope with her. The kids are now 20 and 16. My eldest says at least if I leave now they won't be from a broken home!

Hi even if she turns this to be your fault so what?
There is help available but she is trapped in her own fears and stubbornness.
You are all doing time for a crime you didn't commit.
I've been married 29 years and sometimes it's make or break. But if you are going to give an ultimatum don't back out.
You may be pushing her to get her own life back.
Enough is enough. It's like an alcoholic that wants to keep on drinking.
PS: I'm a therapeutic counsellor.

You might want to get some legal advice before issuing the ultimatum so you know where you stand and have some idea of what to expect. Some law practices will give an initial short consultation for free. Work out your finances. Find a place to move to. Take your daughter with you.

I think your first step will be to take your 16 year of DD out to do something. Your wife will have to cope on her own in the house.

It makes me very sad that the DCs are casualties in this. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I had to figure a lot of stuff out for myself. Hope they can make some sense of it, especially when they see you striking out on your own OP.

My DP who is a psychiatrist, recommends you get advice from the adult department of the Tavistock Clinic, Swiss Cottage in North London. Do you live in town or city, OP?

You can also contact the local council's Children's Services as your 16 year old must be being affected by all this. You may not know that their main role is to support families, not to remove children.

Oh god it sounds like you've all been in prison.
Get out, give you and your kids a taste of normality and the life you all deserve.
You can't let them live like this any longer, held hostage by her mental health issues.

Ps. My mum was very unwell throughout my childhood. It was shit living with her and her weird phobias and paranoia.
It was like living in a permanent twilight zone.
I've never recovered from it and I'd have given anything to have been removed from that situation.

It doesn’t matter if she twists it to be you’re fault. You’re still allowed to leave.

I struggle to leave the house sometimes; I suffer from anxiety as well as complex PTSD. In a way, I was like your DW in that I was very reluctant to ask for help. This was mainly because I didn't want SS involved; we were already on their radar as our DDs are adopted and we were looking for help with DD1, who is SN.

But I actually made myself do the things I needed to do, like the school run and shopping. I also had no problem with my DH taking the DDs out. Although, in contrast to your DW, I really love being on my own, with my 4 cats for company, which has a lot to do with the fact that DD1's meltdowns are exhausting.

When you've had long-term MH issues, you develop a sense of hopelessness, you think that nothing will work so what's the point?

In my case, I went on anti-depressants and I'm on the waiting list for EMDR. I'm doing what I can as I want to be the best mum I can be, I don't want to short-change my DDs, or my DH. I don't want my problems to impact on them.

Your DW's issues are very real. But she nevertheless has to take responsibility for what she's put you and your DC through., and do what she can to put it right.

You've been really patient with her, but it is time for you to say to her that you won't put up with this anymore. And yes, if she still refuses to get help, I think you should leave, and with a clear conscience.

Good luck.

She's been very good at controlling everyone's reactions to her throughout the years. She has you just where she wants you, except for your oldest who has now escaped.

With that level of control she won't take kindly to any further changes. So please be ready for complete meltdown when you try to change things. And for the sake of your youngest, please don't back down and carry on with how things are.

I want to thank all the people who commented on my problem. If you are watching this thread and have seen nothing new posted, I apologise.
I took all the comments made and made myself a list of points to deal with.
I actually confronted my wife one day when the usual question came up when I wanted to do something away from the house one day which meant she would potentially have to be on her own for a period of time.
'What about me?'
I calmly said 'But what about me?'
She looked puzzled at first. When I continued that I deserved some time away and just because she can't go anywhere she shouldn't stop me from doing things, she kind of went ballistic! I kept my cool and stick to the points all you helpful people made and some of my own. She had no idea what to do. There was no way for her to get her way this time.
Long story short, it did result in total meltdown and sulking and ultimately she contacted her mum who came over and walked with her to her mother's house.
She hasn't been back since that day and we are now in the process of divorce proceedings. My youngest is actually happier now than ever. Still sees my wife at the in laws house but comes back here and has so much more freedom. The eldest is also happy in a similar way. They knew it may come to this and had already come to terms with it. The rest was just down to me.
Also, I am planning a holiday for the kids next year finally.
I still talk to my wife but things have forever changed. It's a shame but it had to be done. Thanks to all who commented again. I really thought I was the one going mad!!

Thank you for the update, so pleased you found a way through it all. Onwards and upwards x

I am so glad that you and the kids are happier. Unfortunately, sometimes it really is for the best of everyone.

A whole family can not revolve around one person. When it gets the point that, that person is confused by the concept of thinking about the other people in their family, it's fine and over.

Good luck in the future.

So pleased to see your update. A better, happier future for you and your DC. Hearty congratulations! You will really enjoy that holiday. And glad we were able to help.

So glad op you are finally getting to live your life, you and the DC. I just read your posts for the first time today and am astounded that you supported your dw for so long. It sounds like you handled it all very well, I do feel sorry for your dw but you need a life too and you only get one shot at it, good luck.

Well done op. You were very supportive /selfless for a very long time. Hoping you all a fab holiday!

I'm glad you left and are getting divorced. You were certainly NBU. Ten years, Jesus Christ. But what is so sad, and now unchangeable, is that your children, especially your younger one, have effectively had their entire childhood stolen by this.

Doesn't sound like she's seeking treatment now either, but fortunately that is no longer your problem. Enjoy your freedom.

It seems wrong to offer Congratulations but I'm incredibly impressed at the inner strength you must have found to do that. I hope you and your DC have a wonderful holiday and get the chance to enjoy so many things which you have been unable to do for the past 10 years.

I also hope that your STBExW can one day acknowledge her issues and get help so she too can start to live a less restrictive life.

Very glad for you and your children, op.

Great update, glad you all seem much happier!

Well done for getting yourself and your DC out of that toxic environment. You will all get through this and out the other side.

Sounds like everybody is happier.

I feel so so sorry for people like your dw. I had my first panic attack in my early 20s and still get them now and again, so I totally understand how crippling it can be. The only trouble is she needs to help herself now, by not doing the things that trigger an attack she’s making it worse. You really do need to face your fears where this is concerned. The reason it’s so bad is because everyone has enabled her to build this safety net around her. It feels great and the relief is amazing when you decide to not do the thing that makes you anxious, but in the long run it makes it 100x worse. 10 years is a very long time and it will take years of hard work on her part now to even start to get better.

10 years is a very long time and you and now your dc have started to suffer. It must be horrendous for you all. In your position I’m not sure I could still be there, I think you need to take your kids and start to live your life alone with them. Start to do all the thing a family should do.

Just seen your update op