Which one of us is unreasonable.

[Nikkko]

I need advise as to how to deal with my wife.
She has a fear of transport and has not been in any form of motorised transport for ten years. No car, bus, coach, tram, train... nothing. It's just pure luck that she hasn't needed an ambulance in all this time. We walk everywhere. No holiday for ten years. Our kids didn't have a holiday for 8 years until the only set of grandparents we see took them away.
Whenever anybody approaches the subject of trying to go even one stop on a bus as a starting point, she becomes defensive and says she can't be forced and she'll do it in her own time. Ten years later we are no nearer to a starting point!
Aside from her other personality problems (which my kids now notice now they are old enough to understand), this is an intolerable situation which is just getting worse.
She will not face up to this problem at all. I had ED for a while as I didn't want to be with her anymore and couldn't perform. Unaware of my feelings towards her she told me I had to go and see see someone as we couldn't be like this forever. When I told her she should do the same, she flew into a temper saying it's completely different.
Am I being unreasonable? Or is she? Or are we both? Please help.
I have almost walked out in the past, but cannot bear the thought of leaving the kids to cope with her. The kids are now 20 and 16. My eldest says at least if I leave now they won't be from a broken home!

She sounds very controlling and needs additional psychiatric help.

Has she even tried just sitting in a car? Engine off not going anywhere, then engine on - still not going anywhere etc - I wonder if the attempts at erp went too fast for her? I'd even go so far as to say could you possibly arrange with local bus company to go to depot and just be on a bus that's going nowhere?

Wow I am amazed you have lasted this long, all credit to you for sticking by her but enough is enough. I feel so sad that you have all been putting your lives on hold because of her phobias but it has to stop. I think you need to take the kids on holiday as a first step, they bloody deserve it.

When you say she can't be left alone - do you mean at all? Do you not work at the moment, what happens during the day?

I have similar problems to your DW (although not so severe) so my perspective is slightly different but honestly OP even I think you should leave.

I hate going out and it takes a huge amount of effort and overcoming of fear and anxiety to do it but I would hate myself if I put unreasonable limitations on the lives of my DH and DC so I do it anyway. That's the way I've chosen to deal with it, there are alternatives (specific types of therapy, meds etc) so it's not the only option if 'pushing through' isn't possible but it's about effort.

Half arsed attempts at counselling etc where she doesn't follow advice or apply techniques are never going to work and she has to really want to recover and improve things. It's possible that you being there is enabling her to an extent and that leaving may mean she has to find that motivation out of necessity.

I think for everyone's sake you should think about leaving, or at least issuing a final ultimatum that she commits to treatment, but you have to mean it. Neither of you have a life as things stand so some sort of major change is needed and I think you have to be the one brave enough to make it.

Many people with such phobia have taken the route of accepting the restriction it imposes on them (and others) rather than trying to cope with the pain that fighting it involves.

Fighting a phobia is painful, very painful for some. The longer one leave it to avoid that pain and gets used to the restrictive life they wake up to every day, the less likely they are to ever want to face the pain.

I'm very sorry but unless there is a radical threat that would mean that the pain would be worse than that of facing her phobia, it is unlikely she will ever do something about it. As you've said, she's had counselling but counselling won't do miracles, only provide her with guidance and reassurance. If that didn't convince her, I am not sure what will.

You have to face this and decide whether you want to live her restriction with her because you still love her and can't contemplate living her, accept your role as a carer forever, or decide that however much you don't want to leave her alone with this life, you have to give yourself and your kids a chance to experience normal life yourselves.

Wow!! Thanks for all your comments. Really. I thought I would be castigated on here.
She has tried all the usual things to try and overcome this problem. Nothing worked because she point blank refuses to try any of the suggestions made.
I have had to reduce my hours to part time. Someone sits with her when I'm at work. She will walk anywhere within reasonable distances, but that's it. She buys the majority of things she wants from the internet. She tries to find the best gifts for everyone. I think it's a subconscious thing to make up for her problem.
Yes, we have backed down too much. Even her mother doesn't like confronting her about it. I think the kids wouldn't care either way at the moment. And actually, if I'm honest, if she got better with this I don't think I would want to work it out. She has other personality traits that I have come to dislike intensely too. My eldest has moved out and has confided in me that she is happier away from home and wouldn't come back full time. She has even said I can stay with her. But I cannot leave the 16 year old behind.

Maybe an ultimatum for her then?

If she can actually engage in a road to recovery you will support her in starting that process and then decide what you would like to do for yourself (perhaps don't add on that last bit when you say it to her).

If she continues to refuse or won't engage fully, then you need to make a choice about how to provide the best life for yourself and your 16 year old and that quite likely won't be with her.

If you can't change your wife's behaviour, you can at least change your response to it. I would go on holiday with the children without her, I would start going out living my life without her. As previous posters have pointed out, nothing is going to happen to her at home if you are not there.
I would have sympathy for her if she was trying to overcome her phobias but she isn't. Does she think it's fair on you to restrict your and your children's lives in this way?

Yea I'm all for supporting someone who's trying to get better, but if she won't even engage that's unacceptable.

That does sound as if it's developed into agoraphobia, only going certain places under certain conditions.

It sounds like she's 'only' been offered counselling, I'd be very surprised if that were true. It's possible she's told you that, and of course you have no access to the truth due to patient confidentiality. It sounds like it's possible she's refused certain treatment options. Her choice, but choices have consequences.

I agree - ultimatum time.

Not 'get in a car now or I leave' but 'get help and engage with it PROPERLY, make the effort or I leave'

Then don't leave the 16yo behind. Move out with the 16yo.

Yes you can leave the 16 year old. That child is not a baby and can now decide where they wish to live. So, move out and either get your own flat or move in with your eldest. Once you are out, go to a solicitor and look at getting your 16 year old to move in with you. You know they even take account of what 12/13 year olds want so a 16 year old will definitely get a say where they want to be. Your kids are grown up now. It’s time to go.

Unaware of my feelings towards her she told me I had to go and see see someone as we couldn't be like this forever. When I told her she should do the same, she flew into a temper saying it's completely different.

She is unreasonable, if she says this again reply that the actual problem may be different but the situation is the same in that, they are both issues that could do with addressing and it is possible to try and get help for. She can't argue that one is and one isn't to suit herself, that's selfish. My DH gives me the 'but that's different' line all the time and it drives me mad.

You poor sod! So what would happen if say when your youngest moves out that you were admitted to hospital (not wishing this upon you by any means! ) do you have to have contingency plans for everything? It's sad but mostly for you and yr dcs. It's ruining yr life by the sounds of it. It's similar to an alcoholic who won't get help because when their partners can no longer cope they leave them. Not saying you should OP but how much longer can you go on like this? Unless u believe in reincarnation u only get one life and do yr dcs. Wish you all the best your going to need it.

I'd have been long gone. Leaving your 16 to would be unfair. They would be guilted into staying with her. Take the youngest and go.

If she can't survive, if she's that bad, she'll be hospitalised.

Thank you for the support. I honestly thought it was me at fault for not understanding enough. Then when my eldest started to have an opinion similar to mine I questioned myself.
If I was admitted to hospital I don't know what would happen, but I wouldn't really care at that point.
I think you people have given me the perspective and ideas I needed to take this forward. I know the outcome already. I say something and she gets defensive, shouts and hopes that I back down. When I don't this time, she will say we shouldn't be together as I don't understand. This time I will say ok and call her bluff.

A close family friend and neighbour was like this for years. Her son got married within walking distance. She did need an ambulance once and was too ill to protest but did walk the 8 miles home on discharge.

Her husband travelled quite extensively without her (he used to go on an old man version of lads holidays with my dad sometimes) so she wasn’t stopping him in the same way.

She was eccentric in lots of other ways too but a wonderful person, she passed away recently. Honestly I always felt like her husband enabled it a bit but maybe that’s unfair. This thread has really made me think.

Sadly, your approach of being caring and accommodating FOR TEN YEARS has simply enabled your wife's behaviour. You are now faced with the only option being an ultimatum, on using transport and on being alone in the house. You haven't answered why she can't be alone? Your poor children, what a childhood they've had. And are you really prepared to live out the rest of your life with this woman who won't budge an inch because she doesn't have to? This one precious life we get? Please address this now, today, don't waste any more time. She gets help and she commits to taking It seriously, or you are out.

While I agree with pps re an ultimatum, it still doesn't fix anything. Say she sits in a car, how long would it then take for her to build up to a trip round the block, let alone to the beach or to visit family. If you are going to issue the ultimatum I suggest it needs a time limit or she will still be only going one stop on the bus for the next 10 years.

You are all correct. I have enabled her to get her way and take the easy route of avoiding the issue.
And you are right, I need to take action. I am going to give the ultimatum in a way that she can't turn this round on me and twist it yet again to be my fault.

It's been pretty unanimous on here that you don't have to keep living like this. Talk about a life half-lived. Good luck going forwards, Nikkko. Keep in touch.

At 16, your youngest can make their own choice about where to spend time.

Have you talked to your child about this?

Seems like something else is going on here if she can't be alone and needs someone to sit with her.

I think you need to leave also. But you need to take the youngest child. Effectively you've become her carer and she's clearly very unwell and has been for a long time. It sounds like some form of extreme anxiety.

I think when people become unwell like this it's hard for them to see past their illness. When it gets to the stage where you actively dislike her and your kids want you to leave, then it's probably time to go.

Yes marriage is in sickness and health, but we are all human and there is only so much of your life you can sacrifice, before you need to protect yourself. Ultimately this isn't going to change and staying means sacrificing the rest of your life to being unhappy and caring for her.

As harsh as it sounds, I'd go now.

Just leave. Life's too short.

It's not her fault at all that she has this phobia. It was however her decision not to address it and turn it into everyone else's problem.

There's no point issuing an ultimatum because you don't love her anymore. So what you're saying is if she did get help, you'd stay in an unhappy marriage. What's the point in that?

Yes agree with posts saying if u do go take yr youngest. Not fair for her to have the burden of carer for mh issue which yr dw isn't taking any responsibility for whatsoever.

So what you're saying is if she did get help, you'd stay in an unhappy marriage

I think this is very valid. It sounds likes it's gone too far now, so even if she fixed it, the marriage is over anyway, too much resentment and other issues to come back from.

As such, I wouldn't do an ultimatum. Just explain to her you're deeply unhappy, and as such it's over.