Which one of us is unreasonable.

[Nikkko]

I need advise as to how to deal with my wife.
She has a fear of transport and has not been in any form of motorised transport for ten years. No car, bus, coach, tram, train... nothing. It's just pure luck that she hasn't needed an ambulance in all this time. We walk everywhere. No holiday for ten years. Our kids didn't have a holiday for 8 years until the only set of grandparents we see took them away.
Whenever anybody approaches the subject of trying to go even one stop on a bus as a starting point, she becomes defensive and says she can't be forced and she'll do it in her own time. Ten years later we are no nearer to a starting point!
Aside from her other personality problems (which my kids now notice now they are old enough to understand), this is an intolerable situation which is just getting worse.
She will not face up to this problem at all. I had ED for a while as I didn't want to be with her anymore and couldn't perform. Unaware of my feelings towards her she told me I had to go and see see someone as we couldn't be like this forever. When I told her she should do the same, she flew into a temper saying it's completely different.
Am I being unreasonable? Or is she? Or are we both? Please help.
I have almost walked out in the past, but cannot bear the thought of leaving the kids to cope with her. The kids are now 20 and 16. My eldest says at least if I leave now they won't be from a broken home!

You had the patience of a saint but have done your time. Now it’s time to finally live your life!
I’m so happy for you and your dc

Great update OP, your children deserve to be happy.

Well done OP. Why could she never be on her own? Does she expect her Mum to now never leave the house?

Just to add a bit of my story - I used to have panic attacks and avoided any kind of moving transport. I could manage car and train journeys but would have to take diazepam. I didn't fly for 11 years.

I then met my now partner and had 5 years of private therapy - gestalt and CBT.

I now fly all over the world and passed my driving test this year!

It's possible to overcome it, if you really want to. But you have to want to do it, and it is really hard work, expensive and time consuming. But if she doesn't want to get better she wont. You're best off out of it.

Good for you Nikkko, I wish you and your children every happiness in the future.

Great update, you and your kids did not deserve to be so constricted by her and ultimately it may push her to get the help she needs too.
Thanks for coming back to update

I commented on this thread when you started it, but it's good to see and update and that you and your DCs are starting to rebuild a new life. I'm very sad for your DW, but she has the power to change. Good luck for the future

Well done op, I'm glad to see you've moved forward and you and the dc's have more freedom. I feel for your now ex, but you have to have a life. Thank you for the update.

Thank you all once again for your positive comments. It really was the number of people stating what I felt deep down that spurred me into action.
It's nice also to get the perspective of someone who has been in the same situation and gotten over it. It made me realise the she never wanted to make herself better and therefore no amount of pushing from anyone would have any effect.
To Ghost sauce......I honestly don't know what is happening at her parents house regarding her being left alone. I try not to get sucked back in.
I kind of felt guilty at first but the change in attitude of my youngest soon stopped those feelings.
Thank you all again.

Whilst I feel sorry for her, this was no life for you or the kids, although clearly they are now old enough to do their own thing anyway. You did the right thing

So good to read your update @Nikkko

You're free. The world is your oyster. And it's an amazing world. Time to live, mate.

I'm glad things are working out for you Nikkko. It's difficult for all of you.
I am agoraphobic and made the decision not to have DC as I didn't want to inflict this on them. It was also a reason why my marriage didn't work out. I'm now in a new relationship but know at some point this will end too. Don't feel guilty. You only have one life.

Thank you for updating your thread. I'm glad the support you received here helped you move forward and ask what about me.

I'm pleased to hear things are looking much more hopeful and wish you & your kids a great holiday.

Thank you for the update. I love getting updates. Though sad how it ended I’ve got zero doubts you did completely the right thing. You’ve suffered for far too long and can now look forward to having a life again. Well done and very best wishes for the future.

I haven't been on here for a very long time. That's because I've been out in the world finally enjoying myself. I started working full time to be able to save the money for as many holidays with my kids as my finances and holiday entitlement would allow.
I just thought I'd update again for anyone who may be interested. My now exwife never returned to our house. She stayed at her parents. I bought her half of the house(even though I paid the mortgage) and we broke ties with each other for good. Our contact dwindled to nothing as with the children being old enough to make their own decisions, there was nothing to talk about. My kids still see their mum at her parents. My eldest settled down with a guy and had a child of her own! They're doing great and are very happy. My youngest is now at university and he loves it and is fully immersed in uni life. The house feels empty now with just me, but in a good way as they both know they have somewhere to come back to should they need it. My son was back over the summer anyway and will be back at Xmas. I'm loving being a grandad although I don't feel like one, I'm only 52! But it's great!
Now to my ex. She is still at her parents. She is still avoiding as much as possible. However, she has to manage on her own because her dad put his foot down and said that her mum and him will continue to do what they did before she moved in. They go out, holiday and take day trips when they want. She is welcome to live with them, but she won't hinder them. It is kind of sad that she still won't seek help but I stay well clear as I won't be sucked into that situation again.
Many thanks again to all who gave me the push to take the stand. I feel reborn!

Ahhhh OP, I have just read this full thread.
I'm so glad to hear your life has improved so much. Well done and congratulations!!

Thank you so much!! And thanks for taking the time to read through the whole thing!!

Sounds fantastic (albeit sad for all you've previously given up) outcome @Nikkko well done on making such positive steps!

@Nikkko

Also, as an additional thing. She also cannot be left alone which means I can't go anywhere with the kids and leave her at home or even with her parents.

She's not 5. She doesn't need minding by you. She's just not allowing you to have a life. If she won't address her issues then that's her problem but she does not get to dictate that you or your children have to put your lives on hold. Set yourself free and take your kids on holiday if and when you want. Stop being held hostage by this woman who refuses to help herself.

Shite. That'll teach me to read the full thread before getting into a rage So delighted you managed to get your life back - enjoy it!

Well done Nikkko for doing a brave thing and freeing yourself and your children. I hope you're able to enjoy life now you can. Plenty of travel and day trips I think (on all possible forms of transport, I would )

Well done.

Yes, the counsellor is right. Exposure therapy is really the only way with a phobia. Expose yourself to your fear bit-by-bit, increasing the time and level of exposure each time.

The counsellor is also wrong though. Asking someone to agree to go on transport when that is their exact phobia is flooding. A graded exposure approach should be used so that each little step does not feel terrifying. I think your wife might be better off seeing a psychologist who should be able to do this work at the pace she actually needs.

Great update. It’s sad she still isn’t able to address her issues but ultimately you couldn’t keep living your life like that. Glad you have got your life back and hope you keep enjoying many trips for you and with your adult kids.

What a wonderful ending!! Huge congratulations @Nikkko for being so brave and standing up for yourself and your kids!!

Again, thanks to all. I'm so appreciative of the support now and before.
Sadly I cannot do anything more for my ex and I stay as far away as I can from that situation now.

Lovely update, I hope you enjoy loads of holidays with your children/grandchild.