MIL feeling second rate

[Akaroacanon]

I read a lot on here about the MIL. It seems to be quite negative a lot of the time and this makes me feel so sad. I’ve also read on gransnet so many stories from heartbroken MIL’s who either do not see their GK’s, or see them under very controlled circumstances.
I’m the mum to two sons. I love them just as much now as all new Young mums love their babies, but of course, with the years our relationship has adapted and there is more wisdom and more space between us. I should explain, they are now grown and recently married, and becoming parents themselves. I sense that that they still feel a strong love for me and want me in their lives, but of course, their wives do not, can not feel the same. So, as a for instance, the mother of the bride goes dress shopping, hen-doing, arrangement planning etc. the mother of the groom is offered a token task. (I made a cake for one, and did some sewing for another.)I think it’s called “managing expectations “. It hurts a little, but it is nothing compared to when the children arrive.
A new grandchild is born, and I feel so much love, and joy, for the happy new parents, relief that all went well with the birth, and gratitude that they have so much love for each other and will be great parents. Then there is a void. I’m not allowed to meet the baby before her mum who is flying in. To protect her feelings. She stays a week. After a few text messages, gently asking if I can just have a five minute peep, I am, I feel, reluctantly, allowed to meet her, and hold her for two minutes, on the promise that I will only stay five minutes as they are tired. I do understand. I understand they need quiet family time, bonding time, settling feeding routine time. I was, after all, a mother too. But her mum is living in their home, I live 5 minutes away. It has been days. They feel like an eternity. I know that this is how it will be. This is not my first grandchild. I bite my tongue, I babysit, I love them, feed them, offer to help when I can. But I will always be a visitor, because I am the mother of sons. Now you might think I am the overbearing type. I’m not. Or the bossy type. Nope. I think I’m quiet, bookish, educated and kind. I am non-judgemental, have a messy, child friendly house where children can run and play and just be. I’m honestly the easiest Granny you could wish for. We do beach trips, cake baking, den building activities. It’s fun. But, I have, and I guess always will have, the lack of daughter syndrome. I have sons, they take care of their wives as I helped them learn to do. So now, I have to take the back seat. I know I should not feel sad, I know I should be ok with it, that’s just normal. But I get sick of being managed. And Christmas again will be with her parents.

I am GM to 8 GK and have 2 DiLs and 1SiL. In my case I am not treated differently by my DiLs. I know it does happen but it is not always the DiL. I have friends who feel like you do because their DDs behave the same. They say they are treated like a stranger in their DDs home.

There is something fatalistic about your post and I wonder if you already thought this would happen before your sons’ married. Sometimes ‘the thought is the Father of the deed’. You seem very sad and all I can say is that time does change things. If you continue to be the good Grandma and be positive, which I am sure you will, things could well improve.

In all honesty I keep my mil at arms length because I don't feel as comfortable with her. We see them often but she never asks how I am, I'd love to be closer but I don't know how to make that happen. With my mum I didn't mind her seeing me in my worst state but with my in laws I always feel like they're going to judge, I highly doubt they are. I realise I'm offering no practical advice for you but maybe try to spend some time with her and get to know her better

If youre kind and not over bearing, youll be fine.

DIL has involved her mum to support her. Not because she thinks you wouldnt be as good at looking after baby, etc. But if shes in pain or constipated or whatever, shes gonna feel more comfortable with her mum than MIL.

I dont mean to sound unkind, but your post comes across as a little bitter. I think you really need to focus your mindset on being grateful for your involvement rather than worrying about your involvement versus DILs mums involvement. It isnt a competition and honestly you have no idea whats going on behind closed doors, DIL may really be struggling (or maybe not, who knows). She may really need her mum right now. Give it time, bring a lot of positive energy and Im sure things will be fine

The negative posts on here are because the MILs are overbearing, over involved and rude/bullies. Its good that you are aware that there are risks of becoming those things, so you can avoid it.

Are you friendly with DILs mum? Maybe the three of you could go out to lunch or similar (son stay home with baby), to help build a relationship?

Just a bit sad. This is my second son’s child, so I have been here for a while with my first DIL. Perhaps I was anticipating difficulties before, and perhaps this time it will be better. I hope the situation will improve with time. I had forgotten how your heart goes out to the newborn. Wow! What a feeling. I’ll hang back (so as not to be thought of as overbearing) but it’s hard. I’ve held her for two minutes, seen her for five. But I do understand, for those of you who feel MIL’s don’t. We MIL’s were once new mums too. We had the same sore bits, swollen bits, tired out and frazzled moments as you. And we just want to make it easier and offer support. Give us a chance. Even when we make mistakes - because we all make mistakes and we all try to learn from them, I hope.

Not always though. I visit my MIL way more often than her own daughter does. My MIL is really nice to me and doesn't judge me too much, which helps. I'd like to add that my mum died quite a while ago so there is no contest going on.

I don't think you sound bitter at all, just very sad!

Similar for me, there just isn't the same thought to include me or DH as part of the very wide extended family on our DIL's side.

I think one of the hardest things is finding the balance. You just don’t know how the parents will react. Leave them alone and they might think you don’t care or are not interested. Mak e contact and they think you are too involved.

Judging by posts and the replies that advocate treating the mother of your DH/DP as a second rate grandparent yours is an experience repeated everywhere. I feel so sorry for you.

Op my heart goes out to you I think your son should be standing up abit saying you have equal rights to feel comfortable popping to see the baby maybe you could just send a message to DIL saying you will always be there for her and the baby should she need you and you’d love to help out any time she need only ask, maybe she doesn’t want to ask to many favours as I get worried asking my MIL for favours in case I’m been a nuisance it’s far easier to ask your own my, as she will just say no I’m busy etc, hope u get time with your grand baby’s soon x

I'm a mother of son's too, but my ddil treats us both the same. No doubt she does feel closer to her own mum, but we get equal babysits, offers to go out and invites to visit. She says "the more the merrier". Ji know I'm lucky.

The Mum has flown in, so will be flying out again. In the long run you will have far more contact with the baby. We held back for this reason, it must be very hard to be a distant granny. We see the grandchildren any time we want but back off when the other granny is visiting. I know she feels the pain of separation her DD has told me this. Just be patient, to be honest new babies are not that interesting. Eat, sleep, poop. Also daughter will be all over the place, hormones, sleep deprivation.

In my experience my partners mum was great as she wasn't overbearing like some of these other mums .. My son and I were kept in hospital for a week with my first and my partners parents didn't push to come by even though my parents and grandparents had been there daily and I'd told them to come see him - they let me settle and arranged with me to pop by to see the little man and then didn't make a fuss until I came home with him a week later. Now my sons 14 months and I let him stay 1 weekend at my parents / gramps and then we visit my partners parents during the week. So everyone gets plenty of time with the little man but it took me a few months to be that comfortable with letting him be with other people and until he was actually able to sit up and do things we didn't have our son visiting the gramps that much. I understand you are excited but from what you've said I take it this is their first child so maybe they just want some family bonding time in their little unit while getting routines set and trying to catch as much sleep as they can. The baby also isn't even a week old yet (by your post) so I think you need to cut them some slack. She's a new mum and I dunno how labour and delivery was but just give her a little time to recover and settle as you never know if she's having issues now with feeding or bonding or PND so just let them reach out to you once they are ready.

I think a large misconception is that men would see their mums all the time but DILs don't let them, my husband sees his mum once a week out of her guilting him and always says wishes we didn't have to. She honestly thinks I am holding him back from seeing her most days! The issue is when he was single he would be round most nights for home cooked food/company, but now he doesn't need that from her he doesn't go round! It's cruel on his part as it was like he was using her but it's common with lots of men! His brother goes round most days but whenever he has a better offer cancels with no warning and I know if he was to get a girlfriend through no fault of the girl he would stop going round? Also my MIL has been quite cruel to me, causing panic attacks, letting herself in our house as I don't clean well enough, asking my husband to come outside our house to talk about me... ALOT more... And she still saw baby for 2 hours day he was born then we go once a week since he was born to see her, so I do feel like your DIL could be more thoughtful in that respect!

My Dh wouldn't not have quarter of the contact with his parents if it weren't for me. I see more of them than he does!

There are a lot of wonderful DIL`s out there who nudge their DH to go visit their Mums.

In my circumstance, my ILs are a lot more difficult than my easy going parents, so we do more to make them happy, because it takes more. They were the first to know we were engaged, then engaged, because if they found out my parents knew first they'd sulk and truly we can't be arsed.

Is there a chance DILs mum needs a bit more placating? My lovely laid back mum is happy to take 2nd place in things to keep the peace, and you sound like a similar soul. We keep a very open dialogue and I operate on the hope that if my mum needed things to change she would tell me.

Having said that, my mum will be first to meet the baby. Fuck it, it's her turn and she deserves it.

I would give anything, and I mean anything to have a mother or mother in law who loved my sons and me and would support us, take the babies so I could nap or have a meal with dh or see a movie. I am assuming basd on your post that maybe mummy feels shy or nervous rather than dislikes you, which means it isn't personal. Maybe she just doesn't know you. My advice would be to reach out to your daughter in law, you say you do baking, maybe bake some treats or make a dish of dinner for your daughter in law and son and write mummy a wee note, telling her that you want her to know that you are always there for her and her family, that you are so proud to be a granny again and if there is anything you can do for her however small then she can always count on you, even if its just taking her dd to the park so she can have a nap or have her hair done. Ask your son if you can nip around and drop it off and hopefully it might kick start a closer relationship xxx

Yep, i nag my husband into calling his mum. It just wouldnt occur to him otherwise. I'm definitely not standing in the way of their relationship!

My parents live round the corner so they see dd more often. My dh's family are 2.5 hours away, so they see dd less frequently, but we make sure they see her for extended chunks of time, eg. She's just gone off with MIL on the train back to theirs and we will join her on Sat. If in laws are visiting we try to make sure they get time with us without my parents being around so that they dont feel like they are having to share. We try to make it so that no-one is left feeling sad, but to be frank, 95% of the thought and effort behind all of that comes from me, not dh.

I personally think you should have a word with your son. Tell him hurt you are. It sounds a bit rude to be honest

My MIL is bloody amazing! She does like around 2hrs drive away so does miss out on the babysitting etc but I do keep her included.

We go away with her for a week every year and have an open door for her anytime she wants to see us just let us know to confirm we’re free other than that she can visit whenever she wants. It’s easier for her to come to us in the summer months as she lives in a seaside town so it can be bloody awful going to hers.

She was invited to the birth of our second DD as the birth of our first DD was horrific and we, well I felt DH could use some support. Unfortunately she missed the birth but was the first ‘mum’ to meet DD2.

We are incredibly lucky to have both mums who love and support us equally and I know many people don’t have that.

I’m honestly not sure what to say OP.

Ugh pressed post too soon.

Maybe meet your son for a cuppa and a chat, explain how you feel to him. He probably doesn’t have a clue that you feel the way you do.

Speaking to son, who will dump it all in DIL`s lap, coz that is how it works is something I would not recommend.

Let DIL know you would love to help out if she needs you to, and then go and get on with your life, make plans with your friends, do your hobbies, fill your life with things you enjoy. Don’t sit around moping and making this issue the centre of your world. I understand you feel a little put out, but really it’s about your DIL who has just given birth. Hopefully in time she will come around and involve you more.

Not being able to spend more than five minutes with your new grandchild does sound sad. How old is the newborn?

You mention the beach trips, den building and baking - so does this mean that you do have a good relationship with your other grandchildren?

I second a quiet word with your son. But if the baby is only about four days old then they may be all over the place and you are right, the mother will want her own mother.

I agree with above. If it comes second hand from your son to DIL then it may seem like youre moaning/complaining and just not come across as well as if you have a casual mention of it with the both of them.

I would wait a little while longer first though, until other mum has flown home and they are likely to be in the swing of things and DIL made full physical recovery. Then you can better assess how much of it was just those things.

Other posters also make a good point. Do you think it could be that your son just hasnt been bothered to involve you like maybe he should? If so, DIL could be perfectly keen for you to visit but probably feels it isnt her job to invite you. How close to DIL were you before birth?