He won't stop sulking

[onetiredmum]

Hi I really hope someone could offer me some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. I'd just come out of a 17 year marriage and fell head over heels with this guy.

When things are good between us, my god are they good. He's amazing in bed ( it's been a long time without!) Great with my kids and very affectionate.

However I have 2 problems.

1. He keeps sulking. We fall out over minor things that turn into major fall outs and 3 days with of him sulking.

On Saturday we were having a childfree day having lunch and a beer in the pub when I just felt he was digging at me and I just felt quite offended. So I told him and he then went into himself. Only giving me one word answers. Although he did have a rant about how awful he was and what a horrible person he is etc.

Anyway I thought we should just forget about it within 10 mins but he's not yet stopped sulking. He says it was my fault for ruining the day. My fault for always going on at him. My fault as apparently I didn't want to spend time with him anyway?

He then ignores me. Won't sit in the Same room as me. Won't lie in the same bed. I miss him but he won't kiss me back. I talk but I get one word answers. He then leaves yesterday afternoon in a strop and hasn't come back. He text me this morning to say he loves me, but when I ask of he's calmed down he goes off at me no being able to drop it and constantly going on at him?!!!

I know In a day or two this will be over and he will return to normal but its really exhausting and tiring.

1. A few hours before this he brought me and him a donut.however my 5w9 son's saw them in the cupboard and ate them. I didn't stop them in all honesty. But he went mental saying how selfish and ungrateful they were. Especially my eldest! (13) I thought he was joking at first but he was fuming. He was pacing up and down the garden and couldn't even speak to my eldest he was so angry!!

Oh please can anyone offer me any advice on how to deal with this behaviour

Kind regards

Dump him. Sulking and bad with your kids = recipe for disaster.

Here’s how you deal with it:

Dump him.

HTH.

Yep. Dump him.

A man who throws a temper tantrum and belittles and insults your children is NOT great with them!
You are being trained to walk on egg shells and consider his moods and feelings as more important than yours and your children's. It will not get better. It will get worse. You cannot find a way to deal with this behaviour. You cannot find magic words to make him understand how wrong he is. NOTHING you can do or say will have the result you want. He is emotionally stunted and does not want to be fixed. It explains why this 'wonderful' 'affectionate' great in bed man is single. Because he's a manchild who's universe centres on himself. You and your children are bit part actors to be shaped into what he wants.
Dump.

I take it you dont live together?

Get rid. This won't get better.

Sulking is another form of emotional abuse. There is no way of dealing with this other than to dump him immediately. He is no good for you or your children and will simply drag you all down with him as he is already doing.

And no he is not great with your kids if he treats you as their mother like this. Your boundaries in relationships are way too low and need urgent raising, you are not spotting the red flags here. BTW was your previous marriage abusive in nature, if it was you have simply gone from one poor relationship into yet another. This man saw something within you he can and has indeed exploited, you were really targeted by him.

You have three choices - nip this in the bud now by refusing to engage with him when he sulks, i.e. act normally but don't try and cajole him out of his sulk so his sulks go unrewarded, or you could dump his sulky arse and find a grown up, or you could resign yourself to a life of dealing with his sulking in exchange for great sex. Your choice.

tell him to jog on

Dump him /it's abuse..... er no. The Op has said she loves loves the guy. She has problems with aspects of his behaviour.

What do you mean er no?. She may well love the guy but he certainly does not love her; none of this from him can be at all seen as loving behaviour.

Get rid

My previous summed for months over minor tedious nonsense

It got progressively worse over time as he was incapable of being a grown up

Behaving like that over a donut is a shit bag move

Put your kids first at the least. He is not someone you want around them.

My STBX (Fiance) does this.. in fact he's still doing it.. i haven't spoken to him in 10 days.. and don't plan on speaking to him again if i can help it.

Im tired of walking on eggshells around him and wondering if ive done something to upset him. Waking up in the morning and wondering what mood he is going to be in. Im so exhausted from it a just can't be bothered with it anymore. I read Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does He Do That?" and found he is Mr Sensitive Abuser.

Sulked not summed!

As a pp has already said, this type of extreme sulking (I'm not talking about a 5 minute huff, but sulking/ignoring etc for days at a time) is emotional abuse.

The whole point of extreme sulking is to stop you doing whatever it is they don't like (standing up for yourself, doing something they don't want you to etc) because the repercussions just end up not being worth it.

Its highly manipulative unpleasant behaviour - people get confused about this and think it's "just sulking" but taken to this level it's coercive and controlling and it WILL wear you down - just as it's intended to do.

You won't realise it a first but you'll start behaving differently just to avoid upsetting him. Once he's got you "trained" then he'll up the ante in the list of things you do that set him off on a sulkfest.

Ditch him and thank your kids for eating the donuts whereby they've demonstrated that he's not a worthy person to be in their lives or yours.

My guess too is that he has slowly but surely ramped up the power and control against OP over time whilst using sex to keep her hooked into the relationship. Abuse like this is indeed insidious in its onset.

Blimey your replies have blown me away. I actually feel quite emotional reading them.

Gamerchick no we don't live together.

But I do exactly feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him. We've split and got back together a few times. Everyone I've got rid he turns up and is so so nice, apologises for everything and is completely lovely and promises not to do it again and here we are again.
I have no idea why I'm so caught up with this guy?!

He's currently depressed and has started getting help. I do feel sorry for him as I feel he needs support. But I'm going through a divorce myself and have my own crap to deal with.

I'm not really sure how I ended up feeling this weak? I used to be really strong with respect to men and if anyone's going to give advice it would normally be me! Now I feel I've been reduced to nothing.

Honestly @onetiredmum read Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does He Do That?" and see if he comes under the Mr Sensitive Abuser type because he sounds soooo much like my STBX..

That's what they do OP.

That's why he's a person of extremes - it's designed to throw you off balance.

It's meant to make you think that given he can be so damn wonderful at times it must be your fault when he's not.

So you respond to that by trying to please him and not upset him.

Eventually that becomes "normal" - it's like you've been re-programmed and all your boundaries and defences are eroded.

Time for you now to shore those defences back up and kick him into touch for good.

If you’re still going through a divorce then this bawbag is the last thing you need.

I respectfully suggest no more blokes and just spend time on getting to know and love a life with just you and your children together as a new unit, and get to know yourself as an individual in your own right.

What adventures do you want to have? What are the things you couldn’t do when you were married? When was the last time you went on some flumes with the DC and had a big belly laugh? What do you like? Could you join a club or start a hobby or take up kitesurfing?

It’s a big world out there. Don’t let anyone restrict you from grabbing it with both hands.

Time to think of singledom as freedom, not a curse.

tiredmum

You being reduced to nothing was his intention all along. Walking on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear and that is what he wants too. He being inadequate himself targeted a supposedly strong woman but vulnerable in terms of shaky self worth to impose his will on. FGS do not feel sorry for this man because he really does not deserve your pity or your time. Abusers are unhappy anyway and depression does not give someone a free pass or excuse to abuse you and in turn your kids. He wants to blame you and that is what he has always done. The splitting up and getting back together dynamic as is the promises to change (all empty) is also typical in such dysfunctional relationships.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. There is no justification for his sulking and I repeat he targeted you and deliberately so. The cycle of abuse has been played out here and that also is a continuous one.

Thank the stars you do not live together. This will make it easier for you to now send him a text message saying goodbye because this is no longer working for you. Believe me when I write that it is easier to end this now rather than in another 18 months time when you are further enmeshed and crushed by his abuses of you (and in turn your kids who are already seeing his abuses of you). You have been caught up with this guy because you are kind, vulnerable to approaches from creeps like this and gentle but he has indeed used your own kindness against you here. The man he showed you initially was an act, a mirage designed to draw you in. Now that he has you further hooked he can and indeed does show you who he really is. That nice man you saw was a mirage never to return and the act is an act he cannot keep up indefinitely.

How did you meet him?. Online?. You were targeted and deliberately so by an abusive man, he saw how vulnerable you were and still are and honed in on you accordingly. You may be strong to those in the outside world but your boundaries in relationships from your previous relationship have been shaken up and therefore now need further working on. Go through your divorce without him by your side, you will thank your own self for doing that. You do not need him in your life and your life is complex enough as it is, your kids in particular need decent male role models. This man is not that. After your marriage you need time and space on your own, not another relationship.

He needs you far more because he is inadequate and wants to bring you down with him. Some abusive men as well like supposedly strong women to abuse because they see them as a further challenge to break. Read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. Both will help you in future as well as now dumping this mans arse.

All that over a doughnut?

Abusive people will find any old reason to kick off at their chosen targets, even over something as innocuous as a doughnut.

My ex sulks for Britain. It's an abuse tactic. He used to fill the house with his grandiose silence, head in hands, face of thunder. I am so glad he has gone.

What a tool.....

Yes op, get rid and fast. You deserve better