He won't stop sulking

[onetiredmum]

Hi I really hope someone could offer me some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. I'd just come out of a 17 year marriage and fell head over heels with this guy.

When things are good between us, my god are they good. He's amazing in bed ( it's been a long time without!) Great with my kids and very affectionate.

However I have 2 problems.

1. He keeps sulking. We fall out over minor things that turn into major fall outs and 3 days with of him sulking.

On Saturday we were having a childfree day having lunch and a beer in the pub when I just felt he was digging at me and I just felt quite offended. So I told him and he then went into himself. Only giving me one word answers. Although he did have a rant about how awful he was and what a horrible person he is etc.

Anyway I thought we should just forget about it within 10 mins but he's not yet stopped sulking. He says it was my fault for ruining the day. My fault for always going on at him. My fault as apparently I didn't want to spend time with him anyway?

He then ignores me. Won't sit in the Same room as me. Won't lie in the same bed. I miss him but he won't kiss me back. I talk but I get one word answers. He then leaves yesterday afternoon in a strop and hasn't come back. He text me this morning to say he loves me, but when I ask of he's calmed down he goes off at me no being able to drop it and constantly going on at him?!!!

I know In a day or two this will be over and he will return to normal but its really exhausting and tiring.

1. A few hours before this he brought me and him a donut.however my 5w9 son's saw them in the cupboard and ate them. I didn't stop them in all honesty. But he went mental saying how selfish and ungrateful they were. Especially my eldest! (13) I thought he was joking at first but he was fuming. He was pacing up and down the garden and couldn't even speak to my eldest he was so angry!!

Oh please can anyone offer me any advice on how to deal with this behaviour

Kind regards

Jesus One - he’s abusive

Just take a minute to really, genuinely think that through.

Abusive.

He lost it over your children eating a doughnut.

Do you honestly, genuinely believe that this guy is good for you? Good for your babies?

I’m sorry to be blunt, but nothing good is going to come of this.

Bottom line is whose emotional wellbeing do you care more about, his or your children's? If you care more about your children then you will finish this relationship rather than put them through the inevitable emotional turmoil your relationship with this man will bring them. He is not, and will never be, the man you want him to be, and he is also not your responsibility - your children however are. I will never understand women who put a relationship before their children.

He has mentioned suicide in the past. Saying he has nothing left without me

They always say that. Either that or they are going to take the kids.

It's all crap and a way of making you behave. Whether you do that or not is up to you.

My ex did both.

He's still here and has now next girlfriend on pills because she can't get rid of him.

So hence I haven't finished with him but I haven't said anything otherwise. I'm scared of upsetting him more but I'm also doubting myself, maybe i am to blame?

If you were to blame then you should definitely break up with him because you set him off and so should step away.

His big outpouring of why you should stay together was a long List of Selfish.

If he threatens suicide call an ambulance or the police. Unless you are some super special mental health professional who can wave a magic wand and make him all better just by letting him continue to abuse you and the children. I'm sure you are lovely but I really don't think you are the Saviour, do you?

He knows you are afraid of upsetting him and he is using this to manipulate you. It is cruel to let him think he has a future with you. End it. No vagueness. Let him know it is over with no chance of return and block him.

Unfortunately this sounds like pretty text book emotionally abusive behavior. Start with time apart and maybe you will see things a bit clearer.

Get away from him asap, he is unhealthy for your children and you. Do you want your sons growing up and copying this behaviour? Ignore his manipulative tricks and end the relationship

Suicide threats!

[marks that off bingo card]

Seriously OP, get rid. Only scumbags threaten suicide to make someone stay, usually just before they get hella nasty when that doesn’t wash.

He has mentioned suicide in the past. Saying he has nothing left without me.

Oldest red flag there is, that. Abusive and controlling men use that a lot.
Trying to make you ultimately responsible for whether he lives or dies so you feel trapped.

You are putting this selfish arse above your DC. Just don't. Suicide threats are standard EA. You cannot ruin yours and your DC's lives over this miserable specimen. The sulking as control will escalate until there is nothing left of YOU as you use all your energies to placate him. Is this what you envisaged for yourself and your DC?

Just tell him, you need the summer for you and your children.
That you think it's best not to see each other as the children being home will create friction...
That once they go back in Sept you can talk again.
This gives you time to detach, then if he does contact you, just repeat, and don't reply to texts.

A person cannot ever act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

You're getting something out of this OP so what is it, what is really stopping you from walking away from him?.

This man targeted you and deliberately so OP; of that I have no doubt whatsoever. You had not long since come out of a long marriage and he honed in on your innate vulnerabilities and insecurities arising from all that. He saw something within you and from that he can and has indeed fully exploited to his own ends.

He is really pulling out all the stops here in terms of emotional abuse right down to the suicide threats and is manipulating you fully, all he wants here is for you to meet his own incessant and ever increasing needs. He will continue to drag you and your kids down with him and will give you further spaghetti head. The emotional abuse he metes out will take an awful long time, perhaps years even, to recover from.

Who is more important here to you here; this man or your children?. Is he really a good role model to show them as well as a decent person to you?. No on both counts.

He's not good with your children at all.

His sulking is deeply manipulative and will escalate.

You can't change his behaviour. You can and should protect your children by ending it.

Get rid before he gets worse. Depression is not an excuse for sulking, overreacting and calling your children selfish and suicide threats. Reacting like that over a donut would scare me. You and DCs deserve someone who treats you properly.

If I ate my step dads snacks he would be mildly cross and moan about it but he never got angry about it.

You feel sorry for this man and hate seeing him so heartbroken, I think you need to take a long and hard look at your own self as to why that is and how that happened. And now he has given you spaghetti head because you cannot even think straight about it; that was also one of his aims all along as well.

Am not blaming you OP but you need to take the rose tinted specs right off. This man is indeed a master manipulator and has honed his manipulative skills over many years on many women. You are really being played and those responses he gave you were precisely along the lines of what emotional abusive men say to their chosen target. He hates women really, all of them starting with his own mother. You are not the first nor sadly will be the last to be suckered in by a smooth talking charmer but now you and in turn your kids are seeing who he really is.

Why does he have nothing and no one else??? Because he's an abusive manchild who has fucked off everyone else! They eventually say what he is really like and you need to too. Do you believe you are the only nice empathic person he has ever meet? Do you think everyone else were bastards who didn't make allowances for his mh issues? It is perfectly possible to have mh issues AND be an abusive wanker!! If his depression is cured he'll STILL be an abusive wanker!
He has done this shite to everyone else and they choose themselves over him. You are choosing him over yourself AND your children.
You cannot help his MH issues. Professionals train for years to learn how to help ffs, but you think your empathy and guilt is miraculously going to do it?!
You need to step back from this rescuer role you've decided on, and let the actual trained professionals step in. If a short term gf leaving him has him suicidal then he is extremely fragile and it would be best for him to be sectioned and treated. You are enabling him and covering up a huge scar with a bandaid of your empathy and guilt. This is not best for him, you or your dc!!
If you are truly worried ask/demand to attend his doctor with him and tell his doctor he is suicidal etc.
But to be honest I think it's all bollox!! Many many women on mn have spoken about abusive partners blaming my and threating suicide as a control. Not ONE has actual make a serious attempt and not ONE killed themselves!

Re read this and imagine it's your friend asking for advice. What would you tell her?

I had one of those. Threatened suicide after the break-up.
Reader, he’s still alive and battened on to some other poor woman.

I had one of those. Threatened suicide after the break-up.
Reader, he’s still alive and battened on to some other poor woman

Exactly. This is what they do.

Funny how when some people who are 'depressed' they feel they have the right to threaten and abuse the people the 'love'.

You say he always cries and cries when you break up, how many times have you broken up you have only been together 18 months.

Sounds like YOU need to make a decision on how YOU want to be treated, was your marriage abusive as well.

Here’s how to deal with it op

Dump him.

Then block him on all texts messages WhatsApp social media etc
And don’t look back

Job done

Get.rid.today
This dude will only ever make your life miserable. You will lose your confidence and he will rule your home.
Is that what you want for you and your DC's?

People who are genuinely suicidal usually don't threaten it first; they just go ahead and do it. This is particularly so with male suicide, because of their inability to talk about their feelings.

Men who threaten suicide are mostly doing it to manipulate their partners to stay with them; it's simply EA, and you shouldn't let him manipulate you in that way, @onetiredmum although it is of course easy for us to say that.

Ultimately, you're not responsible for the choices he makes, only he is. Your only responsibility is to your DC and yourself.

Dump him. Tell him you've decided you want a relationship with an adult, not a sulking 10 year old. Ignore the suicide threats - that's EA designed to make you put up with his shitty behaviour towards you and your DC, who deserve better.

You're scared of upsetting him? Is he scared of upsetting you? No, didn't think so.

This cycle will continue until you either you dump his arse or start begging for his forgiveness for making him act out. He uses his depression to emotionally blackmail you into staying.