Ex and I want to have a baby together - could this work ?

[mamarupaul]

the long and short of it is - together 6 years, engaged to be married, he cheated and we broke up. We have a 4 year old son together and he is the most amazing dad ever. We are both desperate for another baby, son is desperate for a sibling - but I dont think I could trust him enough to get back together. We both have houses, work full time and earn a decent wage. To me it seems like why not? Am I being completley delusional? Help!

• Edit: we are both single and have no plans to find new partners, if that makes a difference!

Yes

What's in it for the baby?

I think deliberately bringing a child into a broken relationship is pretty immoral.

Hmmmm.
Do you still Love him?

Wouldn’t be for me but if you’re sure you won’t get back together then maybe?

Possibly.

What are you current arrangements? 50/50? Think about how you would feel if new partners did come along.

As long as you trust him to care for you and little ones then why not...just be open about any expectations etc x

How would you feel if he met somebody else while you were pregnant? And then you had to think about being pregnant and emotional , while he is setting up a new cosy life?

Our son has never been happier. My ex works away Monday to Friday anyway so he's never known seeing him in the week. He thinks having 2 bedrooms is amazing! It would be the same situation we have now just with an extra child.

What's in it for the baby?

Ive heard of people doing this before so siblings have the same parents, I think it can work if you’re both clear what the boundaries are.

I would do it as they will both be full blood siblings
Go for it

That's our main concern, we don't want to have to bring in half brothers/step sisters so having the children have the same dad is the main reason

But what about if one of you meets somebody else? Would it not hurt? If the new partner wanted a full relationship and children as part of it?

Yes, but only if you are both of the opinion that you don’t want to get back together. If one of you is secretly hoping you will, it could end the lovely relationship you have now.

But you also run the risk of making the situation worse. If you have a baby and the new arrangement does not work for what ever reason, this could effect the relationship between you both and between contact arrangements for your son. Just something to consider. Also how are you going to get pregnant? the natural way or AI?

I guess it can, but it depends how commutes your ex is to parenting the potential new baby.

My parents made this choice, and my sister is the second baby. My dad was involved for a bit and then got remarried and had a new family. And never saw my sister again (or me, but I was old enough to know he was a twat). It's really affected her, to be honest, and it's not something I'd be rushing to do.

*comitted, not commutes

Absolutely not. If you’re not in a relationship then bringing a child into a situation the future of which is unknown is an awful idea.

At the moment you may not want new partners, but you’re talking another eighteen years here of another child’s life and both remaining single for that period. Your expectations are completely unrealistic, because as a rule once new partners enter into the equation the dynamic between you will change.

And neither of you will be full-time parents to this child from the outset. And what happens when one of you meets someone else and that someone else has children of their own and resents the relationship between you? And the access needs to change and and and there are so many possibilities here that it’s something you should never contemplate.

If you love him then work on the relationship and see if you can make it work before bringing another child into it.

Plus what kind of example are you setting your current DS? Parents aren’t together but they want a baby together? How will that work? Will you be sleeping together until it happens? In which case what about DS then?

No no no no no no no no.

I have a friend who did exactly that. But she said it only worked because the both still got on so well but crucially neither was still in love with the other. She knew she only wanted 2 children and at 38 she also knew time may run out to have another. Her 2 are now 10&7 and it has worked out v well for her. The children are full blood siblings and both go to dad at the same time and on the same holidays. Both her and the children’s dad are now in new relationships but neither have had other children and she has no intention of doing so.
So I think I’d like my friend you are both on the same page of getting on very well but neither of you wanting more then it could work. However if one of you still wants a relationship then my advice would be not to do it.

I'm not against it in principle but I think you'd need to be very clear about what will happen when one of you meets someone else, and how you would explain it to your children as they grow up.

Lots of people out there have co-parenting partnerships (parent with someone they never had a romantic relationship with). So why not? It’s not a broken relationship, if it’s two grown ups responsibly making thoughtful mature decisions on how to parent without any baggage. If you both want a child and want to do it together and not with anyone else, I think that sounds great, just work out the details of how it will work in advance.

Is it going to happen first time? If not, are you going to be fuck buddies until it does? If you think you can be completely detached about it then you're better than me.

What if the child has a disability or some serious problems it may not seem such a good idea then, your unreliable ex could be living the life other side of the world by then for all you know.

I would put every ounce of love and energy into your own child, why complicate an already undesirable situation. What if your ex manages to also get someone else pregnant.
He is a cheat why on earth would you want him to even touch you again. Dirty scoundrel would never say no! Have some self respect and move on properly

Just reread your op and you sound as though lack of trust is what’s stopping you getting back together. If there’s a chance that having regular sex with the guy will cause you to fall back into an emotional involvement then don’t do it as at least as things stand you get on well.