Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex and I want to have a baby together - could this work ?

65 replies

mamarupaul · 18/07/2018 19:44

the long and short of it is - together 6 years, engaged to be married, he cheated and we broke up. We have a 4 year old son together and he is the most amazing dad ever. We are both desperate for another baby, son is desperate for a sibling - but I dont think I could trust him enough to get back together. We both have houses, work full time and earn a decent wage. To me it seems like why not? Am I being completley delusional? Help!

Edit: we are both single and have no plans to find new partners, if that makes a difference!

OP posts:

Report

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 19/07/2018 15:09

It's a selfish idea.
Just get back together & be done with it.
Not everyone who has cheated does it again.

ChuChuUa · 19/07/2018 15:03

I read a similar thread a while back, have you posted this before?

Guardianreaderformysins · 19/07/2018 15:02

I think it’s a perfectly good plan except the staying single bit. It’s totally unfair and unrealistic to expect this from yourself or him. I would make a written coparenting plan which includes at what point and what circumstances a new partner would be introduced, could help care for your child etc.

hammeringinmyhead · 19/07/2018 14:59

If he cheated and is really sorry, are you SURE he isn't doing this because he thinks he'll win you back?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/07/2018 09:48

If you have lots of sex to conceive then I also suspect one or both of you will catch feelings again. Then you risk a kind of half-relationship where you're not really together but not really apart, and that could go on for years, especially if you're both determined to stay single (and when each of you says single - does that mean lots of hooks ups/NSA with the other fulfilling a familial need?)

fearfultrill · 19/07/2018 09:16

You can't just decide to stay single. It doesn't work like that. When til? The rest of your lives?! It just seems like a miserable way to do things, not that you'd be single but that you would write off meeting anyone ever again.

Imagine the fall out when one of you inevitably breaks this part of the deal.

NoSquirrels · 19/07/2018 09:04

Do it (get pregnant) but don’t Do It (have sex). Muddies the waters. Artificial insemination, blood sibling, co-parent. As soon as you’re having sex, it’s back to an intimate relationship ...

hellsbellsmelons · 19/07/2018 08:57

He has given me his word he would stay single, as would I
Oh well then, that solves everything...!!???
You absolutely cannot guarantee this.
You never know what is around the corner.
This has 'car crash' written all over it!

zzzzz · 19/07/2018 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Changedname3456 · 19/07/2018 08:00

So both of you are going to be celibate for the next 18 years and/or getting by with casual hook ups?

Sounds a bit grim (and unlikely) and it’s an odd model of relationships for your DC to be exposed to.

PramCush · 19/07/2018 07:45

Sounds great!

cheeseoverchocolate · 19/07/2018 07:09

Why not? Go for it. I agree with AnotherEmma's concerns though.

Mary1935 · 19/07/2018 05:55

Hi - I don’t see anything wrong with this - however I would make sure you go with him and he is checked out for any STDs first.
You also may not to want to meet anyone else (yet) but you need to be clear about how you really would feel if he met someone else down the line.
Do you live in the same house now.?

Cornishclio · 19/07/2018 04:04

Unconventional but as long as you can make it work primarily for the baby and your DS I don't see why not. Presumably you are both in a position to financially support the baby and your maternity leave. Your DS gets a sibling and the baby gets 2 loving parents even if they don't live together. Emotionally though it could be tough on all of you especially if new partners come on to the scene.

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 19/07/2018 03:57

Even if he does let you down in the future, you do already have a DS. I can't see how it wouldn't be better for him to have a sibling, even in the worst case scenario of your Ex disappearing from his life. And realistically, he's no more likely to disappear than any other father.

I think I would prefer the idea of them having the same father to accommodate re weekends etc. should you fall in love with someone else later too. I think in your shoes, I probably would.

SandyY2K · 19/07/2018 03:39

Sex for a baby is easier than faffing around with a turkey baster and going to a clinic is an unnecessary expense.

Cawfee · 18/07/2018 23:30

Why have sex? Go to a clinic and get it done. That way there’s no intimacy.

OlennasWimple · 18/07/2018 22:25

Why wouldn't you go down the turkey baster route, if this is only about having another baby?

Allthatsnot · 18/07/2018 22:21

I'd do it, if you both want more children it makes sense for them to have the same parents.
I think I may be inclined to have some type of mediation session first to ensure that things like finances, access, parenting styles, schools, moving home etc where noted legally. You wouldn't necessarily have to say it was for future children just based on your son and ensure you both had the same ideas. Also set a suitable time to remain single, forever or the next 18 years is too long.

Butterymuffin · 18/07/2018 22:03

I'd do it. You know you can live without him as a partner, and you want the chance to have the family of your choice, which is not open to everyone.

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2018 21:44

I’d consider it because I hate the idea of having an only child, and you are coparenting for the next 14 years anyway. But, you need to go into it assuming that in a year he will be in a relationship with someone else. He’s not a monk, nor are you and either of you saying there will be no one else is total fairytale land.

Mamabear4180 · 18/07/2018 21:37

Well I'm a single mum by choice with donor children so I don't struggle with the morality of this arrangement, as long as the child is loved then it's not overly important if you are in a relationship with each other or not (however I still think the nuclear family is the most ideal).

My problem with this arrangement is the emotional issues that will DEFINITELY arise even though you think they wont. Sex will lead to conversations about getting back together, conversations about why you split up, conversations about each other generally because you will be in bed together rather than getting along for the sake of your son. You will be pregnant and hormonal, a new baby will be emotional and the relationship will either crumble worse than it is now or you'll get back together but as you say the trust isn't there and he could cheat again.

The other downside is that despite what you are promising each other about not finding new relationships, the fact you're not technically in one means it's much more possible this will happen. It shouldn't actually matter if either of you want another relationship.

Whether you realise or not you and your 'ex' are still very much together! You don't want to see other people and you're planning a baby together. I think if you can see things for what they really are it's not a problem. It sounds like more of a break in the relationship than a true separation.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mittensofsteel · 18/07/2018 21:35

I agree with @NC4Now - I think you’ll fall back in love too.

In fact it sounds like you’re in a relationship together now but you’ve set your own boundaries and rules

My reasons for this are -

you obviously don’t find him repulsive and you’re willing to sleep with him instead of employing a syringe.

You talk quite fondly of him, you admire him as a dad, you have forgiven him for his affair and accept the reasons behind it

Neither of you want to be with anyone else.

It’s all very modern (and sweet

)

category12 · 18/07/2018 21:31

A 4 year old wanting a sibling in theory is all well and good, but the reality of a baby brother or sister is not so idyllic.

category12 · 18/07/2018 21:29

It's nonsense to assert 1. that you'd both stay single and 2. that you won't get emotionally attached.

Are you already/still having sex with him?

Unflip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.