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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex and I want to have a baby together - could this work ?

65 replies

mamarupaul · 18/07/2018 19:44

the long and short of it is - together 6 years, engaged to be married, he cheated and we broke up. We have a 4 year old son together and he is the most amazing dad ever. We are both desperate for another baby, son is desperate for a sibling - but I dont think I could trust him enough to get back together. We both have houses, work full time and earn a decent wage. To me it seems like why not? Am I being completley delusional? Help!

Edit: we are both single and have no plans to find new partners, if that makes a difference!

OP posts:

Report

Lookingforspace · 18/07/2018 20:09

Some men are wholly unreliable as partners but absolutely reliable as fathers. The op says her ex is ‘an amazing dad’.

NC4Now · 18/07/2018 20:09

Why did you break up?

It seems like a bit of a halfway house to me. I’d want someone who was totally on board with me - a team player. (Not that I’ve ever achieved that).

mittensofsteel · 18/07/2018 20:17

Totally nosey, but have you talked about conception? Will you actually have sex?

I don’t think it’s a terrible idea either. In fact it makes sense in quite a few ways.

Out of interest, have you forgiven him for cheating on you? How does he feel about you? Is there any chance you might fall in love with each other again and are you emotionally prepared for it if it happens?

BigGreenOlives · 18/07/2018 20:22

One of my friends did this and had twins, so they have 3 children.

mamarupaul · 18/07/2018 20:27

Wow thanks for your replies! Was expecting to be ripped to shreds on here lol I'm pleasantly surprised!

We broke up as he cheated - I forgive him, he was in a very bad place and he genuinely is a different person now, he has truly learned from his mistakes.

He has given me his word he would stay single, as would I. I have absolutley no interest in finding another partner and I can't imagine having a baby with anyone else!

And yes we would have sex, I can 100% say I wouldn't fall back in love with him, that ship has sailed for me

OP posts:

Whatiwishfor · 18/07/2018 20:30

So how long do you both intend to not be in different relationships for? Till the children are 18?

Lookingforspace · 18/07/2018 20:33

If you’re both on the same page then go for it but I think it’s unreadonable for either of you to expect the other to stay single. You will not be lovers just co-parents.

mirrim · 18/07/2018 20:43

I am in similar situation. I'd do it if you have both been this stable for a good while. One thing is though, I'd be devastated if he was with someone else and they made a family with my kids. It's great we're both single and as you, I have no interest whatsoever of starting a relationship with anyone else (he says the same) but things can happen and I don't know how I'd feel in those circumstances, but that goes for one child too so 🤷‍♀️

Wolfiefan · 18/07/2018 20:50

He's given you his word he would stay single?
But he presumably said he wouldn't cheat?
Why have sex with a lying cheater? You can't trust him. So no.

outofnames · 18/07/2018 20:55

It's unrealistic for you to expect either him or you to stay single indefinitely. Eventually one of you will meet someone you want a relationship with. Whatever plans you make with regard to another baby have to be made on the basis of that eventuality.

NameChange30 · 18/07/2018 20:57

Interesting one, I was expecting to be dead against it but having read your posts I don’t think it sounds too crazy. My concerns would be:

realistically you and he are likely to want a new partner at some point, if he has “promised” to stay single you are risking feeling betrayed all over again
conceiving, personally I would find it very hard to have sex with an ex who had cheated on me, and there is a risk that emotions might run high for one or both of you
practical support during pregnancy and newborn stage - how much could he provide (would you want him to?) and how much support do you have elsewhere eg your close family

I can understand the desire for a second child and for your children to be full siblings though. Given that DC1 is happy with the current scenario, is that likely to continue and would it change with a sibling on the way??

SandyY2K · 18/07/2018 21:07

Hmmmm ... my concern would be future partners. I don't know how realistic it is for you both to remain single forever...or for the next 18 to 20 years.

If that's not a concern for either of you...then it's your choice...but whilst there isn't a 'normal' family... I'd worry that this set up will skew ypur DC idea of relationships and family life.

It's one thing when parents split up...but having been split up for years... living separately...then having a baby and still not being in a relationship seems odd.... but I've heard much stranger things in relation to having a baby.

NC4Now · 18/07/2018 21:12

I suspect once you start having sex again, you’ll fall back in love.....

DwangelaForever · 18/07/2018 21:20

I personally think it's doable especially if you only want the two children - I think it's far better for siblings to have the same parents than faff around with different partners and have them going between two sets of fathers/grandparents etc separately.

StealthPolarBear · 18/07/2018 21:25

Didn't he promise to be faithful to you at one point? Why do you believe him now?

category12 · 18/07/2018 21:29

It's nonsense to assert 1. that you'd both stay single and 2. that you won't get emotionally attached.

Are you already/still having sex with him?

category12 · 18/07/2018 21:31

A 4 year old wanting a sibling in theory is all well and good, but the reality of a baby brother or sister is not so idyllic.

mittensofsteel · 18/07/2018 21:35

I agree with @NC4Now - I think you’ll fall back in love too.

In fact it sounds like you’re in a relationship together now but you’ve set your own boundaries and rules

My reasons for this are -

you obviously don’t find him repulsive and you’re willing to sleep with him instead of employing a syringe.

You talk quite fondly of him, you admire him as a dad, you have forgiven him for his affair and accept the reasons behind it

Neither of you want to be with anyone else.

It’s all very modern (and sweet

)

Mamabear4180 · 18/07/2018 21:37

Well I'm a single mum by choice with donor children so I don't struggle with the morality of this arrangement, as long as the child is loved then it's not overly important if you are in a relationship with each other or not (however I still think the nuclear family is the most ideal).

My problem with this arrangement is the emotional issues that will DEFINITELY arise even though you think they wont. Sex will lead to conversations about getting back together, conversations about why you split up, conversations about each other generally because you will be in bed together rather than getting along for the sake of your son. You will be pregnant and hormonal, a new baby will be emotional and the relationship will either crumble worse than it is now or you'll get back together but as you say the trust isn't there and he could cheat again.

The other downside is that despite what you are promising each other about not finding new relationships, the fact you're not technically in one means it's much more possible this will happen. It shouldn't actually matter if either of you want another relationship.

Whether you realise or not you and your 'ex' are still very much together! You don't want to see other people and you're planning a baby together. I think if you can see things for what they really are it's not a problem. It sounds like more of a break in the relationship than a true separation.

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2018 21:44

I’d consider it because I hate the idea of having an only child, and you are coparenting for the next 14 years anyway. But, you need to go into it assuming that in a year he will be in a relationship with someone else. He’s not a monk, nor are you and either of you saying there will be no one else is total fairytale land.

Butterymuffin · 18/07/2018 22:03

I'd do it. You know you can live without him as a partner, and you want the chance to have the family of your choice, which is not open to everyone.

Allthatsnot · 18/07/2018 22:21

I'd do it, if you both want more children it makes sense for them to have the same parents.
I think I may be inclined to have some type of mediation session first to ensure that things like finances, access, parenting styles, schools, moving home etc where noted legally. You wouldn't necessarily have to say it was for future children just based on your son and ensure you both had the same ideas. Also set a suitable time to remain single, forever or the next 18 years is too long.

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OlennasWimple · 18/07/2018 22:25

Why wouldn't you go down the turkey baster route, if this is only about having another baby?

Cawfee · 18/07/2018 23:30

Why have sex? Go to a clinic and get it done. That way there’s no intimacy.

SandyY2K · 19/07/2018 03:39

Sex for a baby is easier than faffing around with a turkey baster and going to a clinic is an unnecessary expense.

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