Infidelity

[SarahJop22]

I know I'm probably being controversial here and I am not setting out to offend/annoy anyone.

I just wanted to say that I'm a bit taken aback about by the vitriol towards anyone who comes on here looking for advice if they have strayed (sometimes even slightly) from their marriage/partnership.

I am in a very LTR with children and I love my partner but ...(cliche I know) we had started growing apart and our lives became revolved around housework/kids. I was feeling low and unattractive and I behaved out of character; I did not have a full blown affair but I did get very close to a colleague and although very little happened physically (we kissed once on a night out), I know I crossed the line. It's a bit textbook really, we started out as friends and it started to develop into something else. I never met him outside of work or anything other than on work nights out but we had lunch together in work almost daily.

I realised things were escalating after the last night out and I tried to stop it but he was persistent and I ended up developing feelings for him (not love, more like a crush/mild infatuation) to the point where I am now leaving my job.

I know how wrong this has all been and I regret ever setting eyes on the man but it has made me realise how easily these things happen. I love my partner but I obviously missed the intensity and passion of our relationship which I am trying to get back with him. I confessed everything to him and he has been very understanding and we are now working on getting the spark and appreciation back into our relationship. He is spending less time on his computer and more time with me. I know how lucky this makes me. I have been given another chance.

We are all human, we want to be loved and desired, we want to feel like we matter to someone. If 20% of people have full blown affairs and many more have 'emotional' affairs (whatever that means!), they can't all be twats.

People make mistakes. They can't help what they feel. I read resposes of LTB all the time on here because someone has 'crossed the line' and I just think that people are so judgmental sometimes. None of us are infallible, we all just human. Monogamy is a social construct at the end of the day and if people sometimes fail to meet the demands of ideals they are vilified and slated. It is particularly sad when someone comes on here looking for advice because they have made a mistake (which they often feel terrible about) but are faced with horrible responses telling them how shit they are.

What about compassion? They haven't murdered anyone!

I appreciate this may not 'toe the mumsnet line' but I just thought I'd put it out there.

Your answer is in your post tinkering. Don't hate any of them. They're interchangeable. He was the one who was meant to love you

Naturally I feel like I hate her guts for contributing the end of my marriage, god forbid I ever see her face. If she was more like you perhaps it would easier to acknowledge her as a human who simply made a mistake. twinky

It wasn't the OW who made a mistake - it was your husband .

You said things like this can happen easily - but they didn't with you - you had lunch with him everyday and you developed an emotional affair and only stopped it when it started becoming physical. Others draw the line at starting an emotional affair.

@PaulaBemused she did nothing wrong at all by being with a married man? Ok, if you say so. My opinion will always be that they both made a mistake. His loyalties are to me, he's married to me, she also knew he was married to me. Mistake is on them both!

I think we slip into an emotional affair easily because we don't always recognise the start of it (otherwise we'd ever become friends with anyone!) but the decision to continue once one person is aware that the other's emotions are beyond 'friends' is what destroys both the cheating person and their (regular) partner. It's not getting into that situation in the first place because yes, that's easy, it's the decision to continue when that line has been crossed that causes the destruction, whether it's a week, a year, or more. I couldn't care less about OW now, although I confess to trying to find her initially as I would have told her husband (she also has 2 children apparently). I wanted her to hurt and feel the consequences too.

I say that the cheating partner is also destroyed when they make their decision, because a little bit of them (if they're fundamentally a decent person) knows the hurt they are causing, will no doubt witness it first hand and absolutely cannot feel proud of themselves for that. I know DH was shocked by the extreme reaction he saw from me. I couldn't function, literally, for weeks. The shock was total for both of us.

Things will never be the same for us. It can still be good, but it will be different and a 'new' relationship. Some pleasant memories of times over the last couple of years are in ruins, but fortunately, we weren't doing anything of much significance or importance, so it matters less.

I don't fully trust him and I won't ever again. Only by understanding how it came about and the part I also played in that, can I forgive him. I haven't yet, but I'm getting closer as I continue to learn. The sad fact is, I wouldn't trust anyone now, even in a new relationship.

What I do know? What's most important to me from now on is what he does, not what he says. What I've learned? Is that we never really know anyone or what goes on inside their head, so I will never again make the mistake of believing that I can predict the behaviour of someone whether I love them or not.

If he fails me again then that is entirely his responsibility and we'll be done. There'll be no further tears or recriminations; he won't see my bum for dust.

Twinky - That sounds awful. She was rubbing salt into an already painful wound. It must have been horrendous. I suppose it's easy to hate her but not good for you. She sounds very insecure so maybe you should pity her?

Ittakes - We didn't have lunch everyday, but yes, often. Sometimes alone, sometimes with other colleagues. I though we were mates. It was a slow, insidious process that I honestly didn't see at the time.

Tatty - Yes it's true. As I said earlier, I hadn't even heard of an emotional affair, I just saw him as a male friend who I had a lot in common with at first. We grew close but it wasn't until much later (months later) that I realised the dynamic had changed. It was after the drunken night out that I knew things had escalated and I knew I had to put a stop to it. That's when things got complicated at work. I started thinking about him a lot and I knew my head had been turned. I changed my phone number and tried to ignore him but it became difficult and awkward at work because we share mutual friends and a workspace. Had I known earlier on what was going to happen I would have nipped it in the bud. Never again will I form a friendship with a male. I know they can work but this has put me off wanting to even go there ever again.

Tatty I think you will fully trust your OH again but it will take time. It may take years but I do think it's good never to let your guard down anyway because that can encourage complacency and distance. I never agreed with people who say that relationships take a lot of work and effort but I now see that it's true.

I think for me it was a wake up call. I have to admit my partner and I are better than we have been in years and although I am not glad 'it' happened, it has worked wonders in helping us find each other again. We both realised what was at stake. My partner is the same as me in that he wants to put it all behind us and move forward. He is more attentive and loving than ever. The thing is, the way we were heading we would have split as soon as the children left home because we had grown so far apart. That is without the 'affair'. I must say I don't feel comfortable about calling it that because I'm not sure things went far enough to call it that...maybe I am minimising.

Twinky - If you don't mind me asking...is your ex still with her?

I think this thread has dried up now but it was interesting to read the posts and it has helped me get my head around things.

I just thought that this thread was in a similar vein and if any of you hadn't seen it, you might find it interesting.....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3322248-Married-but-in-love-with-another-man-please-help

Although I was never 'in love' with OM (he was more more of a crush/distraction), I can relate to the things the OP said. I will comment on her thread and let her know how things have turned out for me. I will also link this thread for her to read.

Thanks again for your posts.

People do make mistakes but being unfaithful is not simply making a mistake is it?

Also you say you can't help how you feel. Well no one has to act on those feelings do they?

I know people that have had affairs, ripped apart their marriages, hurt their kids etc and they say "Oh I didn't mean for it to happen". Unless someone's clothes magically fall off I think they knew damn well what was happening.

I have never been unfaithful to my DH and never ever would be.

My clothes never 'fell off' or came off otherwise. There was no sex.

I'm not sure you have read the thread and therefore I think your post is a bit simplistic.

I'm glad you have principles and have been able to stick to them. It's how it should be to be fair and I agree with you on that mydog.

I am hoping that is how things will be for me for the rest of my days.

OP, I've read this thread with interest and I have to say I don't think you come across at all like you are trying to excuse your behaviour.

Having been the victim of lying and deception through serious addiction (similar to cheating it feels to me in some respects), I am slightly aghast at posters who can't see the 'grey' in other people's behaviour. Like someone much wiser pointed out upstream, we're all fallible and sometimes we all make bad choices but thankfully there are some people who can see the bigger picture and forgive.

I, for one, believe whole heartedly in the capacity for change. If people want to. And if they are supported to.

Some horribly sanctimonious and judgmental people on here that both intrigue me and horrify me in equal measure!

Thanks.

I can't justify excuse my behaviour. You're right about the 'grey'. There is definitely a 'lock 'em up and throw away the key' mentality about this.

I think lots of people think that if they haven't done something, it gives them a moral superiority to judge. But, I would suspect that the vast majority of people don't go outside their marriage (emotionally or physically) because they are scumbags. It's usually because they are lonely, unhappy or their relationship is lacking in some way (for whatever reason).

I have to be honest, had I never got involved with 'OM', my relationship with my partner would have continued to disintegrate. We probably wouldn't have addressed the issues we had.

I do think that some good can come from what is essentially a horrible experience and those who have never been in a similar position should try to see the 'grey' that exists between the black and white rather than patting themselves on the back for being 'faithful'.

It is a bit much. You're not the worse person in the world for cheating - it's often just a symptom of a bad situation.

I agree with you, totally.

But also, I don't understand the practicalities of LTB. You're meant to chuck him out, but how does that work then? It's his bloody house.

Am I supposed to go and send him on a lovely holiday to the Premier Inn while I do all the housework and childcare? Who is this actually meant to punish?

Tinkeringbythesea I'm so sorry you're in this situation. But you are right. LTB only works when a) other support avenues are available b) financially, you can both work out a separation deal or c) you hate them and you no longer care. If you substitute the cheating for something else like addiction, or you admit the cheating was symptomatic of a wider problem, then surely most people can't just up and LTB, no backward glances, no mess, no feelings, no despair... actually working it out is not such a bad outlook??

I feel your pain. Any hope that you might work it out with your partner?

Good luck and I hope you don't forget that your needs a really important too