Infidelity

[SarahJop22]

I know I'm probably being controversial here and I am not setting out to offend/annoy anyone.

I just wanted to say that I'm a bit taken aback about by the vitriol towards anyone who comes on here looking for advice if they have strayed (sometimes even slightly) from their marriage/partnership.

I am in a very LTR with children and I love my partner but ...(cliche I know) we had started growing apart and our lives became revolved around housework/kids. I was feeling low and unattractive and I behaved out of character; I did not have a full blown affair but I did get very close to a colleague and although very little happened physically (we kissed once on a night out), I know I crossed the line. It's a bit textbook really, we started out as friends and it started to develop into something else. I never met him outside of work or anything other than on work nights out but we had lunch together in work almost daily.

I realised things were escalating after the last night out and I tried to stop it but he was persistent and I ended up developing feelings for him (not love, more like a crush/mild infatuation) to the point where I am now leaving my job.

I know how wrong this has all been and I regret ever setting eyes on the man but it has made me realise how easily these things happen. I love my partner but I obviously missed the intensity and passion of our relationship which I am trying to get back with him. I confessed everything to him and he has been very understanding and we are now working on getting the spark and appreciation back into our relationship. He is spending less time on his computer and more time with me. I know how lucky this makes me. I have been given another chance.

We are all human, we want to be loved and desired, we want to feel like we matter to someone. If 20% of people have full blown affairs and many more have 'emotional' affairs (whatever that means!), they can't all be twats.

People make mistakes. They can't help what they feel. I read resposes of LTB all the time on here because someone has 'crossed the line' and I just think that people are so judgmental sometimes. None of us are infallible, we all just human. Monogamy is a social construct at the end of the day and if people sometimes fail to meet the demands of ideals they are vilified and slated. It is particularly sad when someone comes on here looking for advice because they have made a mistake (which they often feel terrible about) but are faced with horrible responses telling them how shit they are.

What about compassion? They haven't murdered anyone!

I appreciate this may not 'toe the mumsnet line' but I just thought I'd put it out there.

I'd never even heard of an 'emotional affair' before and I just thought we were mates who chatted a lot. We got close. Niave I know. I'd had lots of male friends before with no issues and I didn't recognise the red flags. I thought my boundaries were strong enough. I was flattered at first but then quickly realised what I had got myself into. A bloody mess.

I'm not looking for approval. I just wish people would see that it happens without forethought, without the intention of emotional fallout, without meaning to hurt anyone.

I can only move forward and use it as a life lesson (which you wouldn't think a 47 year old would need!!

I just wish people would see that it happens without forethought, without the intention of emotional fallout, without meaning to hurt anyone I think everyone knows this, but the fact is it doesn't happen all at once - every slightly over the top compliment you accept, every inappropriate gift you don't politely hand back, every criticism of your partner you don't rebut, these are all steps we choose to take along that road. No one is immune to flattery, no one's interest isn't piqued by someone new finding us attractive but we're all responsible for policing our own boundaries.

You're right. I know that now. As I said, I was a fool.

It has cost me dearly. My job, my partner's trust and almost my sanity.

It has thrown my life into oblivion. Never again.

You should try being the innocent party 😬

Yes!! I understand that entirely. Please stop trying to remind me what an arsehole I am....I know!

I am very sorry for what you have been through and I honestly hope you are on the way to mending but blaming me is not going to help either of us!

I wish you well.

I'm sorry, that was out of order. Emotions run deep on this issue. I apologise profusely for that last post. I sincerely hope things are okay with you and you are moving on with your life x

Luckystar1 DDay 15th April, so a few weeks ago. I'm not yet in a really good place, but I'm starting to recover and the triggers are becoming less frequent. It's still very much there though and the ripple effect hasn't yet stopped.

All I can do is accept that it's happened and make a choice. My choice has been to stay and whether or not that is the right choice remains to be seen, but it's a decision that I own. I own my feelings and I'm not looking to DH to resolve that by himself; he can't. He's the one who broke my trust and whilst his future behaviour can start to mend that, only I can decide whether that's good enough for me.

I will not beat him with this stick for years - I don't need to because he knows the impact it's had, and he knows the consequences and it's his choice whether he repeats it. I can't stop him if that's what he wants to do. All I can do is resolve not to live with hyper-vigilance for the rest of my life - I don't want and I won't live like that. That doesn't mean I won't be alert, it simply means that I've stopped digging for my own sake.

If he does it again, or I get a sniff of something not-quite-right, I'm out without a backward glance. That's his choice.

Interestingly, his DM, who has always been very "isn't TattyCat wonderful and just perfect for you" has turned utterly cold since this happened. It appears that I'm suddenly the 'bad guy' and I can only assume that she somehow believes that it was my job to make him happy and I didn't, because he looked elsewhere, I don't know. He's very much 'her boy' (sad, when he's middle aged, but there you go). I'm still working out what that's about, so if anyone has any ideas they'd be much appreciated!!

*Incidentally, not interestingly! It's not that interesting!

SarahJop22 with the exception of a couple of minor details, you could be the OW in my situation. Everything you've written sounds just as he's told me things panned out with him and there's a nod to his personality in there too. Was he single? Just checking!!

Lol I wasn’t blaming you, I was having a joke!

Tattycat - to be fair it was the original story in my case too but the truth eventually came out. Took quite a long time. Generally it’s the ’how do I minimise the damage story’.

I’m sure in this case it is exactly how the OP says.

Hmmm. I'm fairly convinced that he's minimising, but really, I have to let that go because I can't prove anything - I wasn't there and there's a very slim chance that he may be telling the truth . The alternative is to keep on, and on, and on, digging further and further and I can't live like that. It is what it is and ultimately, it doesn't really matter because he's lied and cheated at some level in any case, so how far is really irrelevant now. I made my choice to stay.

sarah you may get some compassion but I find it hard to be compassionate to anyone that has betrayed in such a cruel way. In your case it doesn’t sound like there were lots of lies but you still deceived your husband by omitting to tell him about lunches etc.
It’s such an emotive subject.

tatty I have no idea why his dm would behave that way to you

I agree Tatty, if you are happy to try and move on then do it. You can only deal with the information that you have at the time. If things change then assess again. If only we had a magic wand eh?!

It is a very easy situation to get into. Relationships get stale, life gets in the way and we all want to feel a spark.

I would guess that most marriages go through many times where joy and fun is lacking. It is natural.

So I wouldn't beat yourself up about it at all!

*Sometimes we do stupid things. It doesn't mean that mumsnetters (and society in general) should pounce on the opportunity to throw puritan and sanctimonious judgement that makes people feel even shittier.

Let he without sin and all that.......*

I think these comments reflect a mindset that is definitely at the minimising/justifying end of the scale, OP.

It's not sanctimonious or puritanical to consider infidelity unacceptable. It's unacceptable to me, and given your remorse and your leaving your job and your confession and your efforts to connect again with your husband, it's actually not acceptable to you either.

I'm not saying that to make you feel worse, but you are pretty certain youve done something awful that could really wreck your relationship.

But I think you are contradicting yourself; you are sending yourself to Coventry for a short period, but you think it wasn't all that bad really so are preparing to forgive yourself (throw puritan and sanctimonious judgement to make people feel even shittier ... I'm not going to beat myself with the shitty stick for ever).

Yes I agree Lucky. You have to think about, and protect yourself. The ownership is on him and his conscience.

Tatty - I think that's probably a generation thing, the belief that it is a woman's job to keep the man happy rather than two equal individuals with lives and needs of their own. No, he's in a relatively casual, new relationship. Still doesn't make it right, I know.

Thanks Hustle - You're going against the grain with that but it's refreshing to hear that perspective. These things happen a lot, life happens and people's needs change. I think if two people who genuinely care about each other can find a way forward and come out of it stronger then all good. If think if it's worth fighting for, do it, if not, don't. I don't (and never did) subscribe to the 'once a cheater, always a cheater, pack his bags now' line.

Twenty - It's early days. This only came to a head about a month ago. Maybe I am justifying/minimising in my own head to a certain extent but it is helping and working for both me and my partner at the moment. I haven't minimised the facts to my partner and didn't lie or down play anything. It's all out there.

No, it's not acceptable. I know I've done wrong but as I said, I'm not going to let it define me as a person. About the contradictions.....

Yes I feel bad about it. I have guilt and shame. However, this will pass and I will not let it turn me into a jibbering wreck who constantly feels the need to apologise for using oxygen. I will use it to improve myself and learn from it. I got too close to someone I thought was a friend and I stupidly kissed him on a (rather drunken) night out.

My partner has said we can put it behind us and that's what we will do.

I do think people can be very self righteous about this. People saying that they wouldn't dream of doing such a terrible thing. Well there are lots of things I wouldn't do but I don't go round telling other people that they are a disgrace based on my own twisted idea of what makes someone a bad person. We have a male friend who drank far too much and ended up punching someone on a night out (totally out of character). He feels awful about it but me telling him sanctimoniously that it's something I would never do isn't going to help him. It's also irrelevant. What's done is done. We are all different and slip up in different ways.

I think that the recent spate of OW threads is actually a backlash to the way this is dealt with on here. Although it's not right to taunt people who have been through shit, at least it adds a bit of balance.

There shouldn't need to be a backlash. A more measured response generally on here would help a lot more than bashing the shit out of people who have recognsied they have behaved badly and want to put things right.

@SarahJop22 if you’re referring to the thread where an OW posted that she had lost the interest of a married man , all articulated in a very “woe is me” style with no remorse for her actions , displaying not a jot of thought for the wife I think she more or less got what she deserved . No one said that the husband wasn’t to blame but also it was shit behaviour on her part. Every action has a consequence, if a person behaves in a selfish and unempathetic way, people will call you out on it.

I got too close to someone I thought was a friend and I stupidly kissed him

Ditto my DH's situation, except that after the kiss, he continued to see her on evenings out (1 to 1) for another 18 months. But apparently it was just nice and comfortable and they got on, talking about just work. Apparently.

sarah the thing is you haven’t really had a full blown affair. I admire you for recognising that things weren’t right and confessing all to your partner. If my h had confessed at that point then I probably could have easily moved on. But a lot of us on here have been lied to repeatedly over months/years. It’s not that easy to not beat you with a shitty stick because they’ve behaved really shittily.

So whilst you’re wanting compassion and understanding, have a little empathy for the betrayed amongst us and understand how it rocks our worlds.

twentysmackeroos What must the OP do? Shave her hair off? Kill herself? Clearly you think she should beat herself with the shitty stick forever. That's your stuff.

Fuckit: Also when you say “they haven’t murdered anyone” a family friend of mine found out that his wife had cheated on him, he killed himself the week after finding out. Actions have consequences.

I find that post abhorrent. It is a disgustingly low blow. Content, mentally healthy people don't suddenly decide to kill themselves, even if they have had something dreadful happen to them. You have no idea why this man chose to take his own life. He may have been suicidal for years (you don't know.) He may have suffered terribly in childhood and never disclosed it to anyone. He may have been a spouse that threatened suicide as a form of control and then eventually took that ultimate step (again, you don't know - it happens.) Ultimately individuals are responsible for their own mental health and their own actions. He was an adult; his cheating spouse is not responsible for his decision to take his life, and your suggestion that she is, is awful.

I find the attitude to infidelity on here really... archaic? The attitude displayed towards OW is often deeply misogynist, and overall it is just very hardline. I don't know anyone in real life who thinks this way, although I am grateful in that it has given me an opportunity to think about the issue differently and come down somewhere in the middle.

One of my closest friends is going through this currently. Her husband of 20 years is moving out this weekend having begun a relationship with someone else. He has lied about this since the new year and the full story has only just come to light over the last few weeks. I - and other friends - have rallied round. We love her and we are there. We have been helping to sort stuff in the house, helping out with childcare, and offering comfort (she's up and down, sometimes in absolute anguish - it's horrendous to see my friend in so much pain.)

But I can tell you this: if I were to describe the OW as a "wanksock", a "tart", or a "whore," my friend would be absolutely horrified! We don't talk about other women like that and my friend has enough humanity to recognise the OW's humanity, despite how angry and upset she is. As for how I feel about her husband - well, I think he's making a mistake. I think he's being selfish. I think he's a fool. I also know where my loyalties lie. But if he genuinely has fallen in love with someone else and wants to leave then he has a right to do so. He is not committing a crime. We'll see how he feels in five years time when things are mundane with the OW and he no longer lives with his (also devastated) children. I think he will regret it ultimately. By the time he does it will be too late and my friend (I hope) will have moved on towards a brighter future.

@LeavingLasVegasForGood you again 🙄

I’m explaining that actions like that can have a very real fall out. Infidelity is not a game! It destroys lives and can have impacts that last forever and are unchageable . If you choose to be offended then be so!

And once again , I’ll reiterate we are judging ACTIONS here of the people NOT the gender so please note off with trying to twist this into a feminism / misogyny debate . You either act like a piece of shit or you don’t , pretty simple I’d say.

Everyone should aspire to be a decent human being in my opinion regardless if they are male , female , single or married .