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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

40something married Dad - too upsetting to consider leaving.

82 replies

Northernchap · 16/07/2018 12:40

With nowhere else to turn - I’ve found myself joining Mumsnet, in the hope there are other parents going through a similar thing to me.

I’m a 47-year-old, hardworking, committed Husband and Dad - and I’ve spent all my adult life ‘doing the right thing’ - usually for others. I’m not going to blame my wife for how I feel, but we’re now poles apart as people - and with kids growing up, it’s become more obvious.

Separation would be devastating and the idea of an affair horrifies me - and so although I present as a happy, successful bloke - I’m actually just running on autopilot. I can’t be the only one? I think what I’m asking is: is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

All advice will be welcome, regardless of the tone!

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 16/07/2018 12:53

I think what I’m asking is: is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

Are you asking if it's ok to have an affair with a like minded lady? :/

Have you tried working on you marriage by actually speaking to her or going to counselling?

LadyMofMtsensk · 16/07/2018 12:56

Pour everything you can into your relationship - anything else is playing with fire. Fire that'll probably end up with shattered self-esteem/mental health for everyone concerned, you living away from your kids & with much less ££ than you have at present.

KateGrey · 16/07/2018 13:00

I’m in a similar position. But I do think you need to talk to your wife about how you feel. Do you do anything outside of work and your marriage hobby wise?

SmallestInTheClass · 16/07/2018 13:05

If you're looking for a friend, then go for a male one or it will cause trouble even if there is no attraction.
Does your wife know how you feel? Do you think she feels the same? If you both agree you don't want to spend the rest of your lives together then that's very different and probably needs some professional help to see if the marriage can be saved. On the plus side, I know quite a few couples in their 50s and 60s who didn't really have time for each other in their 30s and 40s while building careers and bringing up small kids, but now have much more time for themselves and each other. I guess what I'm saying is there is a chance it is a phase.
Being 40 something is hard, there's a reason that the midlife crisis is so well known. I remember several friends when I was a teenager, whose parents separated temporarily at this sort of age, only to get back together again.
I'm sorry I can't offer more advice, but wanted to offer support.

Original poster

Northernchap · 16/07/2018 13:08

You’re right LadyMofM, but everything has gone into our relationship - and continuing to ‘do the right thing’ has left me in this position on a Monday morning.

OP posts:

Cambshusband · 16/07/2018 13:09

Ok first up, prepare for a wave of hostility: there’s a lot of good people here with sound advice, but some will overlook your decades of hard work and dedication and prejudge you for an affair you haven’t had, so just brace yourself for that.

Now, finding a third party IN ANY WAY IS A STUPID IDEA.

Why are you so worried about being poles apart? Me and my wife enjoy different things but there’s still stuff in the middle?

Here’s an idea, write down a bunch of stuff you enjoy about you’re wife (yes, it can be as childish as “she has a great ass”). Shove that list in your wallet.

Now write a list of all the bad stuff (maybe she USED to have a great ass!). Now tear it up and throw it down the toilet. You need to bin all that negative shit.

She’s probably forgotten that you’re capable of being Prince Charming. Prove her wrong! Surprise her, doesn’t need to be big gestures, just needs to be something.

You been a good husband, why stop now?

Original poster

Northernchap · 16/07/2018 13:12

Thanks for that sobering critique! You’re right of course.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 16/07/2018 13:14

I think IP many a long term married man (and woman) has been in this position, problem is it’s a very slippery slope and it’s easy for it to get very complicated,

Huskylover1 · 16/07/2018 13:14

I think what I’m asking is: is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

What do you mean by this? Do you mean a woman? What things do you think you'd do together? This sounds like the beginning of the end, to me.

Why have you grown apart? In what way? Don't you do stuff together? What time do you spend together, on a daily basis?

RaininSummer · 16/07/2018 13:15

I like Cambs post a lot. People change. You can probably find each other again

dirtybadger · 16/07/2018 13:18

Why would seperating be devastating? In what ways, for whom, why, etc. I ask because understanding might help people advise.

Of course you can have friends (??). Do you mean an affair? No, dont do that, unless of course youre willing to sit down and suggest an open relationship with your sife. Otherwise its not fair for half of the couple to be "tied in" to the marriage and the other half not.

Do you think your wife is happy/content in the relationship?

Are you happy and fulfilled in other areas of your life?

Pretending that your wife was very civil about a divorce, and the kids totally unaffected, do you think you would be happier alone?

In what ways are you poles apart, and in what ways do these cause issues ?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 16/07/2018 13:18

Dude, if you want to shag someone else crack on but at least give your DW the chance to have her right to reply about your feelings on the marriage.

You never know, that chat could result in either a renewed understanding of one another OR the mutually accepted winding down of your marriage and as amicable a separation as possible.

Just act with dignity and respect

twinky06 · 16/07/2018 13:18

If you're not happy with your wife, you need to sit down and talk to her. She's not a mind reader and cannot help or try to improve the situation if you're not honest an open up to her about your feelings.

The last thing you want is to bury your head in the sand or get involved with someone else whilst still married.

Believe me, cheating on her will hurt her more than being honest and potentially breaking up.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/07/2018 13:18

If you think you can work on it and reconnect, then you surely have to give that your best shot?

Can you/have you talked to your wife about how you both seem to be more distant than you would like? Could you think of ways you could start to bridge the gap and build closeness again? Activities you could share, date night, time together without the children etc etc.

theredjellybean · 16/07/2018 13:19

Sorry no its not... My dp was in similar position when we met. My situation was different as still happy with dexh but he'd decided our relationship was to be celibate some yrs before.
We had an affair, thinking it would fill in the missing bits.. It did... We thought what no one knew wouldn't hurt anyone.. We were wrong.
So please don't do this.
It becomes so complicated.. I can't tell you how often I wish we had not had that affair, and this is from a position where I did get my happy ending.

Racecardriver · 16/07/2018 13:20

Ffs either grow some balls and leave or grow some balls and accept the life you have made for yourself.

Racecardriver · 16/07/2018 13:21

Basically you need balls, not another vagina to keep you distracted.

Cambshusband · 16/07/2018 13:22

Tell me, are you not happy with your wife, or are you just not happy with how life is turning out?

If you’re having a midlife crisis, buy a bloody sports car, not a damn trophy wife.

twinky06 · 16/07/2018 13:25

Following on form my earlier post... my husband as been hiding his feeling from me for years. He decided to confide in someone as a friend. Ended up cheating on me with her and blowing our whole family apart.

Getting involved with someone will devastate your wife in ways you will never understand. It will make her question everything about you, your relationship and even herself.

As other people have said. Give your wife a chance to know about your feelings, to help make things right. If you don't want to be married, do the kind thing and break things off before getting involved with anyone else.

MerryMarigold · 16/07/2018 13:35

I think what I’m asking is: is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

You sound lonely, OP, which is ok. I just don't understand why any friends need to be in the same position as you. Do you have friends? Mates, who have happy marriages? I think you need to find friends of the same sex as you (unless are bisexual) as the temptation in a friendship will be emotional affair and then physical affair. Even an emotional affair would be devastating for your wife, your relationship and probably your kids' relationship with you/ respect for you.

If you really feel at the end, you need to find a way to end things before anything kicks off with anyone else.

morningconstitutional2017 · 16/07/2018 13:36

Can you look back to your early days and remember what attracted you to each other in the first place? Can that be re-kindled? Hopefully the answer is not just physical attraction.

I would advise not throwing it all away. Are you sure it's not just a mid-life crisis? The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. You don't want to find yourself separated, living in a shitty bedsit full of regrets. Think long and hard before you take action.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 16/07/2018 13:36

and I’ve spent all my adult life ‘doing the right thing’ - usually for others

So doing the right thing has led you to a point where you are not happy...
and you want to break the “fuck it” seal and do what you know is not right to make yourself happy. You know this isn’t going to work don’t you? Another person can not make you happy. Your happiness has to come from within yourself.

Buy a dog. There is companionship and affection 24/7.

MikeIngdom · 16/07/2018 13:37

Similar to previous posts, I want to ask you:

Are you just bored and uninspired in general? I do think this is a normal thing to feel, periodically and probably especially in the early stages of middle age.
Does this boil down to wanting exciting, novel sex? I don't mean this in a derogatory way - I think probably all married people, men and women, feel this from time to time.

If it's either of these things, then doing anything other than sticking with it and "working on your marriage" will be a sticking plaster and nothing more. Involving anyone else would in all likelihood be disastrous. You'd be at risk of blowing your life apart and ending up a hell of a lot more miserable than you are now.

Alfiemoon1 · 16/07/2018 13:37

Have u spoken to your wife. Busy lives can push people apart. Have u tried making time for each other date nights etc.
Please don’t have an affair if it is genuinely over between you have the decency to leave first

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/07/2018 13:38

As others have said, if you need a friend, make it a male one (unless you're a closet homosexual of course!). Make it so that it can ONLY be a friendship, not a sexual relationship. If there is ANY risk of there being a sexual attraction, then front up to your wife first and tell her that you're not happy and things need to change, whether you can fix your marriage or whether you need to separate will become apparent after a discussion, I'm sure.

But do not cheat on her. And that includes having a mental relationship (emotional affair) with another woman as well - you should be talking TO your wife, not ABOUT your wife with a 3rd party (unless they're a qualified counsellor).

And yes - explore the idea that this might be a mid-life crisis, you might just be thinking "there must be more to life than this" and "oh god I'm nearly 50, what have I done with my life?" - find new hobbies/interests, whatever. Just don't cheat on your wife.

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