40something married Dad - too upsetting to consider leaving.

[Northernchap]

With nowhere else to turn - I’ve found myself joining Mumsnet, in the hope there are other parents going through a similar thing to me.

I’m a 47-year-old, hardworking, committed Husband and Dad - and I’ve spent all my adult life ‘doing the right thing’ - usually for others. I’m not going to blame my wife for how I feel, but we’re now poles apart as people - and with kids growing up, it’s become more obvious.

Separation would be devastating and the idea of an affair horrifies me - and so although I present as a happy, successful bloke - I’m actually just running on autopilot. I can’t be the only one? I think what I’m asking is: is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

All advice will be welcome, regardless of the tone!

Honestly, you sound like a coward. You’re on here moaning about your situation and you should be actually communicating honestly with your wife. It would be very interesting to get her side of the story. You’re painting yourself as the decent, hardworking victim. Really? Would that be her story too? Have you been emotionally available and supportive of her? When’s the last time you actually took her out dancing or actually asked her what she wants out of life. If you really don’t want to be with her anymore then you need to do the right thing and let her know so she can move on with her life. At least stop being a coward and talk to her.

and why haven’t you made any effort to find a relationship counsellor if you truly feel like this. Where’s your effort OP? You’ve made none so I suggest you go away and have a long hard look at yourself. Sounds like your poor wife would be better off without you to be honest

Why do you act all happy? Do you act happy with your wife too?

Is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

Have you written this post on mumsnet hoping that lonely, married woman will contact you? I hope not, bleurgh.

You only get one life op, don’t spend it miserable or trying to justify actions that you know are wrong. Speak to your wife, salvage the relationship if possible, and if not walk away.

OP, you're not being very forthcoming. Are you saying a) your wife takes you for granted, but still loves you or b) you put in all the work, she isn't interested, no sign she loves you any more? Or c) are you saying you have no sex/physical affection, what there is comes from your side and you feel she's only gong through the motions?
And
What are your worries about splitting up? Eg money, losing contact with the kids, how it will affect family and friendships? Are you both staying together for the kids and because splitting would be too expensive? Or are you saying you would be devastated if your wife ended your marriage (because it's possible she's thinking about it too)?
FWIW apparently it's v common for men to get to their forties and feel they've spent their life doing the right thing for other people and then they get grumpy and do mid life crisis things. Like have an affair.

Northern... another chap here who could have written your exact post. I was in a loveless, sexless marriage just going through the motions as I believed it was the right thing to do. However it was not. Neither of us was happy and it was heading for an ugly breakup if neither of us did anything. We decided to split and have remained friends of a sort. Most importantly the kids are happy having two parents that aren't miserable and whilst I see less if them, the time we do have is quantity time. I guess what I'm trying to impress upon you is that you do not have to suffer just to do 'the right thing', often the hard choice is the best one.

Hope you are ok OP.

Do you have a particular "friend" in mind ?

...but to take the steps to split, would really upset lots of people we both love dearly.

Of course it would but so would the knowledge that you are staying together for the sake of not upsetting other people. Talk to your wife, if you have already tried that and one or both of you feel that it is the end of the road then walk away. Do you both really want to spend the next 40 years feeling like this?

I think you have to decide whether to stay in a marriage you're unhappy in or whether you'd rather find happiness, even if there is pain in the process. I don't think anyone should be unhappy long term simply to keep others happy - plenty of children thrive with happily divorced parents.

No way would a woman who posted this be getting flammed like many pp have done.

Kids leaving home and growing up is often when a couple realise thet no longer have much in common.

What about common interests ?
Making travel/holiday plans...mini breaks?

Generally having something to look forward to together.

It could be that she feels the same way you do.

OP why would you have PTSD? Is your marriage abusive?

If you are trying to suggest that a run-of-the-mill, more-or-less-amicable relationship breakup would cause you, you poor gentle little snowflake to develop an extremely serious mental health problem which is brought on by severe trauma then you're having a fucking laugh and insulting the thousands of people living day to day with PTSD after surviving war, train crashes, terrorist attacks, rape, etc.

If you are in an abusive marriage then please get this thread pulled and start another one to ask how to leave safely. You can also contact Mankind Initiative for advice.

Women hinting that they are considering an affair usually get shot down pretty fast.

NorthernChap also said that he would welcome any answer "regardless of the tone" asking for it

Shame that he's being rather oblique and making it hard to offer advice.

I'm in the same position but stbxh is leaving me as 're have nothing in common" " the intimacy has gone" and he's not happy. I've put everything in and he has sucked everything out. He's not been willing to invest any effort at all into the relationship and I have put everything into it.

I think you sound absolutely terrified of saying what you really feel. You are making all sorts of hints but won't say anything substantive. That's fine, it's the Internet and this thread could easily end up in the Daily Hate. However, that seems to mirror what you are talking about in your marriage - that you won't ever talk about your real feelings with your wife.

Has she been abusive to you in some way so that you are scared to open up? Are you playing your own father or mother's role - or at least the one you could see as a child? Are you really angry with her for something and afraid of lashing out?

Certainly the current situation sounds untenable. I would tell your wife you are really struggling and get some therapy - personally I would start with individual thereby, with a view to couple work in time. Don't keep it secret but don't give her a veto either. Therapy isn't a magic wand but my God it can change things. Something has to change - don't let it be an explosion.

Having always done the right thing sounds to me like being a decent husband and father for the last 20 years means you are now wholly entitled to clear off to Thailand and join a free love commune until you’re ready to move on to whatever.
I’m sure many reach their 40s and think Shit-what now. An affair imv should be bottom of the list, too much stress and fall out only to end up in the same position several years on.
You need to give some thought to the rest of your life- career change, fitness change, start studying for a new interest/job, what does DW hope for her future. There is lots out there -start talking.

I would really recommend you get some counselling for yourself to try to find out what you are really feeling and then perhaps get to the bottom of why. It may be your relationship is part of it, but it may not. If you are serious about your relationship, it is worth exploring what else could be the cause of this 'auto pilot' feeling before you destroy something special.

Being absolutely blunt, my money is on midlife / existential crisis but I worry about your characterisation of yourself of having always done the right thing. That can be a dangerous perspective when the wheels come off and you almost feel justified in, for once, doing what you really want. It sounds like you place a considerable amount of weight on others' expectations. Worth exploring (in counselling) before you do anything you may regret. Not many people have the sense to stop and think in this way before they act. You have a great opportunity now.

I don’t understand why you’re being so circumspect on an anonymous forum. Are you asking whether it is possible to shag another woman in secret and stay married? Yes or no?

Or are you genuinely looking to connect with people in similar situations for a platonic shoulder to cry on? It’s really not clear at all from your posts. Just be straightforward with your questions and you’ll get straightforward answers here.

Life is never perfect. Just think into the future and imagine the worst. You had an affair, she found out. You separate. Where do you go? A shared house, a bedsit, nothing like your current comfortable house. Then if you're still with the OW, you have to start building from scratch. Or dw also has to leave so the house can be sold. Does she deserve this?

If they split up the house might also have to be sold, or one might move to a less cushy place. I'm now out of my old family house, in a tiny flat. It's my own little place, I've done it up how I want, it looks nice and I don't have to share it with someone unpleasant. Frankly my best case scenario. I definitely deserve this.

OP wouldn't automatically be a bastard if he and his wife had to move. It's only the shagging around behind her back and treating her disrespectfully that would really be an issue, surely?

You do sound as though you haven't really talked to your wife - and might be surprised by her perspective if you did.

Are you determined to get out with your 'good guy doing the right thing' image intact, by not allowing messy things like other people's feelings and experiences get in the way?

On the plus side, if she's as disenchanted and detached as you are, the pair of you might be able to agree on an amicable separation far more easily than you imagine.

Have you aired your feelings to your DW at all? I ask because I'm in a very similar situation, and I have. They have been minimised multiple times, I have suggested counselling and been rejected on that front too. It is soul destroying to be in this situation and to feel you're the only one working to make a marriage work. You have my sympathies.

I feel I have given it my all, but I'm not in a position to leave. I will not cheat as it is the last bastion of my self respect, and despite everything losing that would break me. Though not as much as being an NRP I might add.

No words of advice other than being honest and true, for your own sake if not for your partners.

While I was married, most of my friends and acquaintances were from similar backgrounds and in similar circumstances - your traditional long-term married couples - and I didn't have as many friends and acquaintances as I do now. Since we split up, through having more free time to spend as I like, and through dating people from different backgrounds, I've met a lot more divorcees / people who've had multiple partners with a child here, a child there. And lo and behold, neither background is any better or any worse off than the other. There are well balanced, happy people who party with their ex-wives; there are people who've been married forever and seem to hate each other. It's taken the pressure off me totally to realise that neither way is the right way, as there is no right way.

You "chaps" who think you need to drag out the torture for perpetuity because you want to do the right thing are barking up the wrong tree.
If you haven't already got a big mix of friends I'd highly recommend extending your circle of friends to include people with totally different lifestyles and philosophies. I have really appreciated it myself.

And keep up the counselling.