40something married Dad - too upsetting to consider leaving.

[Northernchap]

With nowhere else to turn - I’ve found myself joining Mumsnet, in the hope there are other parents going through a similar thing to me.

I’m a 47-year-old, hardworking, committed Husband and Dad - and I’ve spent all my adult life ‘doing the right thing’ - usually for others. I’m not going to blame my wife for how I feel, but we’re now poles apart as people - and with kids growing up, it’s become more obvious.

Separation would be devastating and the idea of an affair horrifies me - and so although I present as a happy, successful bloke - I’m actually just running on autopilot. I can’t be the only one? I think what I’m asking is: is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

All advice will be welcome, regardless of the tone!

Poles apart? What does that mean? I am totally different to my DH in interests, personality etc. We do a lot of things apart but at the end of the day we come home to each other - literally and emotionally. DH had an affair 6 years ago because he thought we were 'poles apart' and when I suggested that if the felt like that he should leave, he was devastated. Unless you want to end your marriage make sure the 'friend who’s in a similar position' is not a woman.

It sounds to me as if you are the one that needs the work now - try IC, find out why 'doing the right thing' has left you feeling so short-changed and resentful? That is what most people do all their lives, they do the right thing, or at least try. Find out why is it such a problem for you? I know when I reached my 40s I began to ask myself' is this all there is?'. And like you I had done the right thing, I had been the supportive spouse, parent and child, I had been the main breadwinner, the chief cook and bottle-washer and I think I believed that some fairy godmother was going to wave her wand and reward me for being a good girl. She didn't. Life isn't like that. Rewards, like happiness, tend to come from within. Doing the right thing brings its own rewards like seeing the people you care about happy and safe.

I took up running. Well at least I restarted running and took it to another level. I joined a club and I have run races including my first marathon this year. it has become my joy bringer, my reason to get out of bed on a bad day, my reward. Try something like that before you start looking for a 'friend'.

Op, ignore me if I'm barking up the wrong tree but are you from a different cultural background. Arranged marriage etc?

What does your wife do.....do you both have hobbies...do both of you do anything together....do you people communicate verbally and physically???........based on these questions i can give you some advice

I am a 25+ year old and my dad is in a similar situation. I literally had to read the age to double check that it wasn't him! My dad is an amazing hard working man, and he has fought for everything that our family has. He is the glue that holds on and holds on for everyone elses sake. But i will say to you what i said to him... When all of the kids have moved out, you are going to be left in an empty house with her. Can you put up with that for the rest of your life? Your children will adapt. I did when he split up with my mum. And his other children will if he leaves theirs. But your life with her will be longer than the period pf your kids living at home. My advice would be to make the split now, before anything gets worse, and then use the rest of your life to have fun and enjoy yourself, whether that be alone with your kids, or with another, more likeminded woman. But if you do anything before you split, your wife could make your life even more of a hell than it already is. Please think about it. And if you are my dad, ring me. My light needs fixing! :)

How long have you been with your wife?

Separation doesn’t have to be devastating. It happens... How old are your children? Surely they’ll want you to be happy. You sound very lonely. I hope you’re ok OP.

You are having a mid life crisis op😎
Any day now you will be swapping that old car for a sports number and a new wardrobe.

For gods sake see this for what it is before you blow your life apart.

Get the sports car put your wife in it, give her a diamond necklace and burn off on an adventure. Drink cocktails, laugh out loud and stay up all night.

Finding a new friend will have the same ending. All relationships have their peaks and troughs, and a new relationship will wane in time and you might come to know that your life with your wife wasn’t that bad, in fact it was really quite special and by then it will be too late (and you will be living in a one bed flat with a microwave meal for one and photos of happier times)