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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

40something married Dad - too upsetting to consider leaving.

82 replies

Northernchap · 16/07/2018 12:40

With nowhere else to turn - I’ve found myself joining Mumsnet, in the hope there are other parents going through a similar thing to me.

I’m a 47-year-old, hardworking, committed Husband and Dad - and I’ve spent all my adult life ‘doing the right thing’ - usually for others. I’m not going to blame my wife for how I feel, but we’re now poles apart as people - and with kids growing up, it’s become more obvious.

Separation would be devastating and the idea of an affair horrifies me - and so although I present as a happy, successful bloke - I’m actually just running on autopilot. I can’t be the only one? I think what I’m asking is: is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

All advice will be welcome, regardless of the tone!

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 16/07/2018 13:38

Why would separation be devastating? Can you elaborate on that?

thefirstmrsdewinter · 16/07/2018 13:40

Op have you thought about/suggested relationship counselling? If you feel the only reward in this relationship is 'doing the right thing' then you're martyring yourself and in the long run your family will not benefit from your unhappiness. You say you 'present as a happy, successful bloke' but how does wearing a mask improve or contribute to your relationship or make your life better?
No hostility here.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/07/2018 13:40

I like Cambs post too, utterly pragmatic and full of commonsense.

Don't have an affair Northern, just don't. It's not worth it. You do deserve to be happy - as does your wife - so if, after following Cambs' excellent advice, there's still no sense of a way forward, then make arrangements to split or have an open marriage - but be honest and authentic about it. It's the only way.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/07/2018 13:41

Chances are your wife is as miserable as you feel. Why would spitting be so devastating? Surely it's better for your kids to have 2 happy parents even if they are separate?

bumblingbovine49 · 16/07/2018 13:47

The thing is, does your wife know how far you have gone in your feelings that you have grown apart and that you are even possibly contemplating a 'no stings affair" - (no such thing by the way)?

You need to be brutally honest with your wife about how far things have gone. This is a risk I know, all sorts of things might come out of that conversation, not necessarily all good but this is where you are tested as to the promises you made when you married. I don't mean by that, that you have to stay no matter what, but only that in this matter, honesty (even if brutal) is the only way forward.

From what you have written, it actually seems you have already checked out. If this is the case, be honest.

If not, be honest anyway. Be brutally honest and specific with yourself first , and then a bit more kindly with your wife as to exactly what you want/expect from your relationship.

Don't be the person who suddenly decides that you have tried hard enough and who makes that announcement out of the blue. 'Trying to make a relationship work' on your own does not work. The key is the word relationship, it is about what happens between more than one person. Also the relationship also involves your wife. Give her the opportunity to specify her needs/wants as well.

If you and your wife have truly grown apart, and you are not happy, and you believe your relationship can't be saved then leave with as much dignity and kindness as possible. DO NOT have an affair. Be brave and move forward with kindness and love.

Love is not just about staying together no matter what. If you place any value on what you have or even what you had with your wife, honour that, value it and move on with as much grace as you can muster.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/07/2018 13:48

I think this is quite common OP. I remember my parents going through something similar in their 40s. They talked and decided to prioritise their relationship.

It was lovely, if a bit cringe to watch. Blush And it saved their marriage. Work with your wife OP, anything else will fuck your life.

KokoandAllBall · 16/07/2018 13:50

You say an affair would be horrifying, then ask in a vague way if you should have an affair...

In fact your whole post is quite vague. Are you saying she doesn't pull her weight, or that she's no longer attracted to you, or simply that you've grown apart and have become very different people? Growing apart doesn't mean you can't grow back together if you want to.

Have you already met the person you want to have the affair with, or leave your wife for?

NaiceHamble · 16/07/2018 13:51

I think you've got to start by owning your situation a bit more honestly. When you say 'friend', do you mean an unhappily married woman, or an unhappily married man?

bumblingbovine49 · 16/07/2018 13:53

Very good question and insightful. If this is the case, then any exhortations to do the right thing are probably a waste of breath.

MerryMarigold · 16/07/2018 13:55

do you mean an unhappily married woman, or an unhappily married man?

Absolutely, although in all honesty, I am not sure what it could achieve other than a place to vent about your partners. And that is never going to be productive.

Attic14 · 16/07/2018 14:05

I think what I’m asking is: is it possible to make a friend who’s in a similar position, without blowing apart numerous lives?

You're actually asking to have an emotional affair, which can be as bad.

You DO sound lonely OP, and maybe your wife feels the same and you're just a bit blinkered to it just now.

Please don't give in to an unnecessary "friendship" , it only leads to one place, the same place my husband went - that left me with PTSD. Affairs don't just hurt feelings, they make people ill.

ravenmum · 16/07/2018 14:08

Well, the good thing about an affair is that when your wife finds out, she won't miss you as much after she kicks you out. I mean that quite seriously. But all in all, I'd still have preferred to have had a respectful separation.

Original poster
Northernchap · 16/07/2018 14:09

Thank you Attic 14 - of course you’re right - and I’m sorry that you understand only too well what I’m talking about. The truth is though - no blinkers - and of the two of us, I’ll be the one left with PTSD

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 16/07/2018 14:12

'Doing the right thing' sounds very dutiful and nothing to do with happiness. You sound as though you've concentrated on practicalities and not your, or your wife's, emotional wellbeing, for too long.

twinky06 · 16/07/2018 14:16

You'll be the one with PTSD? Jeeez I hate it when people turn it around so they are always the victim.

If you cheat on your wife any bad feelings you have off the back of it are self inflicted. Your wife won't have asked for it though or deserved it!

Vitalogy · 16/07/2018 14:16

I agree about talking things through with your wife.

A few years ago I was in a similar position. In the end I decided to end things with my partner. In the long run I'm glad I did. I'm not saying I've never had regrets but think I did the right thing now. It's taken a long time to get to this point I might add.

This is a crossroads in your life and only you can decide. Stay true to yourself. Try and stay calm, dignified and fair.

Best wishes.

ravenmum · 16/07/2018 14:20

Why is it doing the right thing not to separate? Lots of people separate, are they all doing a bad thing? Staying in an unpleasant situation that gives no-one any pleasure could just as easily be described as acting the martyr, or the ostrich with your heads in the sand.

Original poster
Northernchap · 16/07/2018 14:21

Thanks everyone for your input. Just to be clear: Absolutely no suggestion of affairs or similar. No suggestion of third-party blame for how I’m feeling - but a realisation that the emotional/teamwork side of my marriage has ended, but to take the steps to split, would really upset lots of people we both love dearly.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 16/07/2018 14:29

Why will you not have a chat with your wife @Northernchap

Why won’t you give her airtime?

I think you sound fundamentally selfish, like you secretly want to punish your wife with an EA as you feel she’s checked out. Lonlieness can make people like that. It can wreak havoc.

Have the chat and grow some balls. Your assuasion that “you’d be left with PTSD” smacks of self pitying garbage.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/07/2018 14:31

"the emotional/teamwork side of my marriage has ended" - does your wife recognise this and agree with it? It sounds like you've already had that conversation with her.

Separating doesn't have to mean acrimony and upset, nor does it have to involve disruption for children if the adults involved are able to put their own issues aside and work as a team for the sake of their children.

8FencingWire · 16/07/2018 14:31

Op, WHY are you in a sexless marriage?

Vitalogy · 16/07/2018 14:34

You sound selfless OP. I wasn't so. At what cost to yourself though, too high or manageable.

A quote:

Nothing will change until the fear of change is outweighed by the pain of staying the same.

ravenmum · 16/07/2018 14:34

It's as upsetting as you and your wife want to make it, NorthernChap.

Vitalogy · 16/07/2018 14:38

you’d be left with PTSD” smacks of self pitying garbage. Paul may have a point, although bluntly put.

Vitalogy · 16/07/2018 14:40

WHY are you in a sexless marriage? Where did it say that?