I suspect my husband has a DW problem.
My mum is a very volatile person. She can be the kindest and most generous person. Once when I was rejected for a job I wanted she travelled for three hours to take me out for lunch just to cheer me up. She had an abusive mother though and can be extremely agressive and occasionally violent. My father tends to side with her. For example when I was a teen, particularly if she had been drinking stupid fights would blow out of all control and end up either with her saying extremely harsh things - I am fundamentally selfish, self absorbed and cruel. Or her getting physica - grabbing me, shaking me, standing over me while I plead for her to stop, occasionally hitting me and on one occasion throwing a plate that broke and cut my foot. My father intervened but the following day neither apologise and the attitude seems to be she went too far but I provoked it and I have to look at my behaviour too. I guess I have been kinda conditioned into accepting it.
Things improved massively during my twenties, though she doesn’t like my DH who has been my partner since I was 20. She believes he is rude, anti social and has autism. He is not the best with social occasions and doesn’t like just going along with whatever mum is doing but he does his utter best to get on with her nevertheless - buys her niche presents, tries to take interest in her interests. He’s not naturally the most chatty or confiding of people - she hates this, loves people to rely on her - but he has always been an brilliant partner to me and helped me to see some of the ways she has persuaded me to accept her more nutty behaviour.
Anyway, recently I had a baby, first and only grandchild, mum has been delighted. Behaving well to my DD, heavily involved, wants to care for DD one day a week when I go back to work, all agreed. There has been a low level thread of her criticising me (BFing too long, not sharing the baby with her enough) and criticising DH (not involved enough - not true, he works from home and has been an amazing support). Despite this we, plus my best friend, agreed to go on a family holiday with her and DF. On the late night, she got drunk and picked a fight about sexism in science. It blew up horribly. She reduced me to hysterical tears, my poor friend to a panic attack and accused my DH of wanting to bring about Gilead (ie handmaid’s tale). All this while my DD some how slept in the next room. The following morning she sort of apologised to me and my friend “all families fight on the last day of holiday” but has been blanking my husband. On the way home she pulled me aside to say she is going to “sort him out” or maybe I should just leave him and have children with someone else. I was changing my daughter at the time and told her that this was utterly unacceptable to say to me, especially in front of my DD. She called me a shithead. I just don’t know where to go from here. She’s always been like this. One horrendous fight every six months to a year but often brilliant in between but this targeting of my husband is so awful and upsetting, especially for him. She’s so good with my DD now but what about in the future. I just don’t know where to go from here. Please be genital but any advice?
(Obviously we are not doing a family holiday again with them).