My mother, my husband, the horrible fights. LONG

[DrowsyDragon]

I suspect my husband has a DW problem.

My mum is a very volatile person. She can be the kindest and most generous person. Once when I was rejected for a job I wanted she travelled for three hours to take me out for lunch just to cheer me up. She had an abusive mother though and can be extremely agressive and occasionally violent. My father tends to side with her. For example when I was a teen, particularly if she had been drinking stupid fights would blow out of all control and end up either with her saying extremely harsh things - I am fundamentally selfish, self absorbed and cruel. Or her getting physica - grabbing me, shaking me, standing over me while I plead for her to stop, occasionally hitting me and on one occasion throwing a plate that broke and cut my foot. My father intervened but the following day neither apologise and the attitude seems to be she went too far but I provoked it and I have to look at my behaviour too. I guess I have been kinda conditioned into accepting it.

Things improved massively during my twenties, though she doesn’t like my DH who has been my partner since I was 20. She believes he is rude, anti social and has autism. He is not the best with social occasions and doesn’t like just going along with whatever mum is doing but he does his utter best to get on with her nevertheless - buys her niche presents, tries to take interest in her interests. He’s not naturally the most chatty or confiding of people - she hates this, loves people to rely on her - but he has always been an brilliant partner to me and helped me to see some of the ways she has persuaded me to accept her more nutty behaviour.

Anyway, recently I had a baby, first and only grandchild, mum has been delighted. Behaving well to my DD, heavily involved, wants to care for DD one day a week when I go back to work, all agreed. There has been a low level thread of her criticising me (BFing too long, not sharing the baby with her enough) and criticising DH (not involved enough - not true, he works from home and has been an amazing support). Despite this we, plus my best friend, agreed to go on a family holiday with her and DF. On the late night, she got drunk and picked a fight about sexism in science. It blew up horribly. She reduced me to hysterical tears, my poor friend to a panic attack and accused my DH of wanting to bring about Gilead (ie handmaid’s tale). All this while my DD some how slept in the next room. The following morning she sort of apologised to me and my friend “all families fight on the last day of holiday” but has been blanking my husband. On the way home she pulled me aside to say she is going to “sort him out” or maybe I should just leave him and have children with someone else. I was changing my daughter at the time and told her that this was utterly unacceptable to say to me, especially in front of my DD. She called me a shithead. I just don’t know where to go from here. She’s always been like this. One horrendous fight every six months to a year but often brilliant in between but this targeting of my husband is so awful and upsetting, especially for him. She’s so good with my DD now but what about in the future. I just don’t know where to go from here. Please be genital but any advice?

(Obviously we are not doing a family holiday again with them).

tried free counselling at uni but didn’t get on with it. Not sure where to start with that now.
It's pretty common for it to take a few goes before you find the right kind of therapy and/or a therapist you get on with. I did just this (briefly sought help at uni then gave up when it didn't work immediately) and realised when I tried again much later that I'd misunderstood how it worked back then :)

I was listening to a radio programme about this just recently and what they described was exactly what I experienced. They said that apart from finding the right type (CBT, talking therapy etc.) the next most important thing is how well you get on personally with the counsellor - and that this is partly related to how you enter the relationship. When I went looking for a therapist I felt really afraid of having one that made me feel worse, so I Googled the ones near me and chose one that had a photo of the therapist which looked nice :) - a couple looked a bit scary but this one looked nice and friendly, just what I needed at the time. And she was just like her photo looked, and highly qualified, and it was all very helpful. Just going in feeling positive about her probably helped, of course.

Stop feeling bad about how you deal with your mother. Relationships are hard, and you've been screwed up by yours for quite some time. Why would you expect to be able to sort it out quickly or on your own? Get some help! But even then, maybe there is no good way to deal with your mother, and the best anyone can do is muddle along with her in a slighty unsatisfying way.

Most grandmothers don't get to be with their gcs a whole day a week. My parents got to see theirs a couple of times a year, as we live abroad (another long-distance escapee here). The kids still have a relationship with them! Why wouldn't they? Low contact doesn't mean no contact. It means you choosing how often you are going to meet up based on how much of her shit you are willing to put up with. How often did you see your gps?

Your relationship with her sounds very similar to my relationship with my mother. You sound terrified of upsetting her or making her angry or letting her down. So you placate to keep the peace. And you (whether you realise it or not) put her first in everything, and everything revolves around keeping the peace. Because the alternative is terrifying.
But once you have a family of your own, that doesn't work. (It doesn't work anyway because it's emotionally unhealthy, but you can get away with it more if you're single with no children because it only affects you). This is why these flash points come up once you get married and have kids, because you CAN'T put them first at all times, other people need you too.
It isn't a normal, loving mother-daughter relationship and the fact that you are scared of telling her she's been out of order speaks volumes.
Be prepared for DEFCON 1 if you step out of this game you've been playing your whole life, she won't like it. But that's what it is, a game of control. The only way to win is not to play.

I mean you can't put your mother first any more.

You describe vividly how terrified you feel of her displeasure; you never want your precious baby to feel that kind of fear. Another good idea I heard on another thread was having your smartphone in your pocket where you can touch it for reassurance. I know it sounds a bit daft, but imagine that you're not facing the confrontation alone, but backed up by an army of tiny mumsnetters inside the phone, cheering you on! And if that sounds laughable - well, I think you could probably do with a laugh!

OP, my mother is exactly like yours. I’ve never stood up to her but recently have been through some traumatic events that have made me take a long, hard look at myself. I’ve realised I’ve been suppressing my personality my whole life as saying or doing the wrong thing when I was a child resulted in her flying completely off the handle. Our relationship has been ok in the past as I’ve been so compliant but recently I’ve started standing up to her and telling her how I really feel.

At first she thanked me but since then I’ve had a load of abuse. Bottom line is she’s a narcissist and doesn’t love me for the person I really am, only the person she wants me to be. It’s a hard thing to accept but I’ve started therapy and feel so much better. It really helps to talk about it and realise I’m not the worthless person I’ve always thought I was.

I completely agree with PPs that you should not let her look after your DD. She won’t be able to help herself in repeating the pattern once your DD has her own thoughts and opinions. Yes, she will go mad but put your daughter first. It feels liberating to finally tell them the truth.

Another good idea ..was having your smartphone in your pocket where you can touch it for reassurance. ...imagine that you're not facing the confrontation alone, but backed up by an army of tiny mumsnetters inside the phone, cheering you on!

lol that's really nice =)

Just sitting here with a clingy dd and crying a bit over your posts. Baby must think I’ve gone mad. The visualisations sound really helpful. Pocket army is very comforting. And also thanks for the advice on therapists and accepting g things won’t be perfect. Just need to start

And yeah I only saw my gps a handful of times a tear. Ironically the one I saw most was my mum’s mumwho was abusive to her, favouritism, withdrawal of affection, burned toys, violence. Until I hit about ten/eleven and started arguing with her, calling my parents up in tears and eventually refusing to go. Guess I really do need to learn from every bit of my history.