I actually agree with his ex. How do I reason with him?

[Harveyy]

Me and DP have been together for 3 years. We are expecting out first and are very happy.

He has a DD, 6, who is a sweetheart and an absolute pleasure to spend time with.

DP does not get on with his ex. His daughter often doesn't want to come here, this concerns DDs mum, understandably. He moans to me regularly about how his ex is concerned that DD doesn't want to stay here, that she's done this and she's said that, and calls her every name under the sun. His exes main concerns seem to stem around how happy her DD is whilst she's here, and that she's trying to help him out. His DD has recently stated she doesn't like it when he gets angry. He does have a temper and flies off the handle at silly things (not aimed at anyone but for example if he bumps his head he will shout and vent about it for 30 seconds). This scares his DD. Again, his ex has brought this up, but he refuses to acknowledge it and calls her a meddling so and so.

I'm finding this really hard as I actually agree with what his ex is saying and think he is ruining his relationship with his daughter by not acknowledging these concerns for himself.

I genuinely believe his ex is trying to help, but because he is such a defensive person, he can't ever see that he's wrong.

His DD confided in me this morning that she thinks her daddy likes his mobile phone more than her and I'm just so scared to raise it with him based on how he reacts to ha ex raising similar issues.

What do I do and how do I go about talking to him? I want to do it in a way that is clearly from a good place so he understands, not just so he gets defensive and fails to listen to what I say. I don't want him to feel attacked.

Help?

*to his ex

I don't know why you'd have a baby with someone who flies off the handle, whom you're scared to approach, and whose own daughter is scared of.

Given the choice you've made you will have to toughen up massively, soon have a baby to consider too.

He must get is behaviour under control or he will lose his DD. There is no way of sugar coating that.

I'm just so scared to raise it with him based on how he reacts

Oh, OP, this isn't normal. People who love us and make us very happy don't also scare us into silence. The two are not compatible.

I don't see a defensive person, I see a controlling person and red flags.

How would you react if you found out your DD thought you loved your mobile phone more than her and was afraid of your temper? I suspect you would be upset and concerned and immediately take steps to change your behaviour, reassure your DD, and make changes.

Now, how do you anticipate him reacting? I suspect you anticipate an explosion of rage, insults and name calling, recriminations and the blame being thrown around, accusations of lying, etc, etc.

Can you see that has nothing to do with being defensive? Defensive would be disbelief, denial, trying to come up with a more plausible explanation, and then reaching acceptance.

If his 6 year old child is scared of him, then something is seriously, seriously wrong. I'd be afraid of someone who lost the plot over minuscule things like that and I'm an adult. It seems designed to make people afraid to do anything he dislikes if you've seen how he reacts to minor irritations.

I can't give you advice on how to prevent him kicking off when you approach him with this, because his behaviour isn't about what you're saying or doing, it's about his need to be in control and powerful without anybody questioning or challenging his authority. I can't change that or provide the perfect words to stop him. You've probably found that yourself by now.

With a normal person, I'd approach it as "your DD was chatting to me earlier, and she told me something that was worrying her. I'm really glad she told me and I've tried to reassure her because I know it's not the case, but she said she was worried you were more interested in your phone than her. What do you think we can do to reassure her that's not the case?"

There are other things I might add or change depending on the situation. In a normal situation where her dad wasn't terrifying her by flying into rages I might have thought it was in part down to her feeling vulnerable and uncertain about her family changing. In this situation it sounds like she's probably spot on. If he loved her he'd care that he was frightening her and he'd be listening to her mother's concerns and yours. But he's not. He doesn't seem to care at all. (Does he listen to anybody?)

His reaction will tell you everything. If he won't take this on board, that's not about you or how you approached him, that's about him. At some point you'll have to stop making excuses for his rages and his dominating behaviour.

It sounds like everyone in this bloke's life treads on eggshells around him

What does that tell you ?

Good luck raising a child with him, you're going to need it. He will harm his children hugely if he doesn't address this.

I see your future and it's not happy.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They won't tell you what to do, but they will give you all the information you need to see his temper for what it really is and the effect it has on babies and children. Up to you what you do with that knowledge.

Why did the relationship with his child's mother end ?

Not his version, her version

If he is losing his temper to the extent it's scaring his daughter he needs to deal with his anger before he loses her. You also sound scared of him I would find that also very concerning and would worry about if it's safe to have him around a newborn. You sound lovely to have as a step mum but have a think about your own situation with a man with anger issues. I wish you well as this is so difficult for you to deal with.

I am willing to accept that this is an issue and am not going to try and defend the way he reacts to things.

What I will ask though is that people don't make 'well why did you choose to have a baby with him' and other such comments which are not helpful and only make me feel guilty for something which is already done and cannot be rescinded.

It is very easy to become blind to things like this when you are the one in the relationship. As silly as it sounds, what is not normal often becomes your normal and once it is the norm, you adjust. It shouldn't be that way but that is the situation I've found myself in.

I guess I just don't know what to do anymore.

I am going to reiterate what the other ladies have said. Why have a hild with a man with anger issues and who clearly prefers time on his mobile than spending time with his child?????

As someone with an abusive and controlling ex and DC with similar concerns to his DD about their father's behaviour, I can only recommend that you start thinking about what your life and your baby's life will be like with this man. Are you making excuses in your head for all kinds of other behaviours?

I don't really have any advice on how to handle the situation but I feel sad for the DD and her mother as I know how damaging this all is.

He's not a dangerous person. He loses his temper occasionally, shouts about it off 30 seconds and is over it. He's never lost his temper directly at me or DD but I do worry about how he will react in a sense that he gets snarky and won't address the issue, then we carry on as normal all hunky dory.

It is so hard dealing with someone who is so defensive and feels like they're being attacked from every angle when an issue is raised.

It's true that those comments aren't helpful for a done deal, but what is perhaps helpful is seeing that he is indeed the problem here and unless you start tackling this head on, and potentially even leaving him, you and your new child, along with his DD will all be dancing to his tune, a controlling and nasty tune.

@Beaverhausen you do realise that the child is already conceived? This child is going to be born and there's nothing I can do about it. Making me feel guilty about having a child with someone is of no use whatsoever other than it makes me feel like a pretty shitty person

Based on your last post OP you do have reservations. I was like this but stayed with him longer than I should, feeling I was in a situation I couldn't get out of. Things got much worse. My only regret about leaving is not leaving sooner.

You can't reason with the unreasonable. If he's not horrified that he scares his dd and trying to change himself, then what hope is there?

I'd not be viewing this relationship as longterm, op. Is this the future you want for your child, being scared of daddy?

Stop berating OP for having a child with her DH. We all do things in good faith, get into situations hoping that our fears won’t be realised.

Listen OP, you need to tell him. And his reaction will tell you what you need to know. I wouldn’t rule out befriending his ex, to get her side of things.

@pog100 I agree and I do realise that he is the issue. I'm really confused and have no idea whether anything will ever change, but I don't have any issue in leaving if necessary. It just isn't as easy as deciding in an instant that I would leave.

The situations I describe are only a minute portion of his personality and he is lovely for the vast majority of the time.

I think you have to be blunt with him and just tell him what his dd said to you.
He may not like it but I suppose that’s tough shit for him because his relationship with his daughter is at stake here. You’ll be doing him a favour.
Also you need to consider that your own dc may find him frightening too so it’s best to try to nip it in the bud now.
If this doesn’t get addressed now you may yourself in the position of doing all the proper interactive caring for your dc while he spends time on his phone when it’s his turn... and in time, your dc will notice too.

I am the ex is this situation. My exH isn’t aggressive but is a “shouty” dad. He also repeatedly fails to put my DC first. I spent two years trying to tell him how my DD feels as he wouldn’t listen to her. I of course am just being a manipulative bitch . It’s a shame he didn’t heed my warnings, or show me that he cared about her more because now she’s saying she absolutely doesn’t want to go anymore guess what my position will be? Sadly my exes GF seems to agree with him. So soon, all will be lost. And although they will say I’m keeping her away. They’ll be very very wrong. If you care for him, and he’s not a total dick, do encourage him to put his DDs feelings first. And if he can’t/ won’t do have a think about what they will mean for your DC. You sound like a lovely step mum. I wish my DDs was as sensible x

I would text him just a btw DD told me x the other, I can see it from her point of view tbh.

Then he can be angry for 30 secs when your not around....

If he still takes it out on you then that dies tell you for sue that he has an anger issue!

Saying 'why on earth have a baby with this man's ain't about berating you for it, it is about you assessing why you did make that decision and making the decision to carry on living with someone who is clearly frightening his own daughter. Which he is also likely to do with your child.

OP I suspect that in your mind you think he will be better with your baby than he has been with his DD. Do you have any evidence to support that? What was he like with his DD when he was with her mum? Was he on his phone then or was he actively participating in his DD's life?

I am not berating you being in this situation but I am encouraging you to think about the best outcome.

You shouldn’t be scared to raise the issue, his daughter shouldn’t be scared of him - and he should be looking to fix himself. He has no intention of doing so and you can’t do it for him, so accept it and live with him as he is, or don’t. That’s the only choices here

Just based on this:

I'm just so scared to raise it with him based on how he reacts to ha ex raising similar issues.

LEAVE.

It won't end well.