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Original poster

I actually agree with his ex. How do I reason with him?

100 replies

Harveyy · 14/07/2018 10:00

Me and DP have been together for 3 years. We are expecting out first and are very happy.

He has a DD, 6, who is a sweetheart and an absolute pleasure to spend time with.

DP does not get on with his ex. His daughter often doesn't want to come here, this concerns DDs mum, understandably. He moans to me regularly about how his ex is concerned that DD doesn't want to stay here, that she's done this and she's said that, and calls her every name under the sun. His exes main concerns seem to stem around how happy her DD is whilst she's here, and that she's trying to help him out. His DD has recently stated she doesn't like it when he gets angry. He does have a temper and flies off the handle at silly things (not aimed at anyone but for example if he bumps his head he will shout and vent about it for 30 seconds). This scares his DD. Again, his ex has brought this up, but he refuses to acknowledge it and calls her a meddling so and so.

I'm finding this really hard as I actually agree with what his ex is saying and think he is ruining his relationship with his daughter by not acknowledging these concerns for himself.

I genuinely believe his ex is trying to help, but because he is such a defensive person, he can't ever see that he's wrong.

His DD confided in me this morning that she thinks her daddy likes his mobile phone more than her and I'm just so scared to raise it with him based on how he reacts to ha ex raising similar issues.

What do I do and how do I go about talking to him? I want to do it in a way that is clearly from a good place so he understands, not just so he gets defensive and fails to listen to what I say. I don't want him to feel attacked.

Help?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 14/07/2018 11:20

His ex couldn’t change him and he hasn’t changed for his DD, you and your unborn baby are next Sad

AnyFucker · 14/07/2018 11:21

Your internalised message seemed to be though that because he hasn't ramped up his aggression since your pregnancy that it somehow at least partly mitigated it

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:21

@AnyFucker not at all I just answered a straightforward question with a straightforward answer. No hidden messages here.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2018 11:25

Ok. Along with your denial that this isn't "one of those" scenarios I don't think you get it, but ok.

LunaTrap · 14/07/2018 11:26

OP how will you feel if he behaves the way he does around his DD with your new baby? Will it be acceptable to you? It must be very difficult for his ex, having to send her child to a father she is scared of, with a new partner too frightened to rock the boat. But if his behaviour wouldn't be ok for your baby it isn't ok for his DD either and needs to be addressed ASAP. The ex might end up taking legal action to safeguard her child which could have repercussions for your child too.

Lweji · 14/07/2018 11:28

He doesn't need to ramp it up, because he already has you where he wants you.
Not challenging him out of fear.

Wait until you need him to step up. During your post-birth recovery, when the baby doesn't sleep, when you have mastitis, when you're too tired. Wait until you are too tired to avoid those eggshells and confront him while holding the baby. Sad

confusedscared2018 · 14/07/2018 11:30

Good luck having a baby with someone like him x

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:36

@AnyFucker I do get it, really I do. I'm here asking for advice and I fully acknowledge that he is an arse and I'm stuck in a situation with someone who is essentially not a good person. I never insinuated that him not becoming more abusive during pregnancy was a positive and when I referred to 'one of those scenarios' I simply meant that he hasn't become abusive due to me being vulnerable and pregnant. I don't see how I am now in denial about it being 'one of those scenarios' when I've explained exactly what I meant by that. You are putting words in my mouth when I think I've been pretty clear by what I mean. Nowhere did I say 'he is not abusive' or that he's done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:36

@confusedscared2018 thanks for your sarcastic non-concern it's really helpful.

OP posts:
BlueEyedBengal · 14/07/2018 11:36

You say he's ex military.could he have p t s d? My husband was in the army and was medically distcharged due to being in a bomb blast in N Island and is a p t s d sufferer. This could be why he is the way h is do you think?

GinandGingerBeer · 14/07/2018 11:38

Are you prepared to give him an ultimatum?
You're clearly not in a place where you want to leave him currently but I'd be very worried about how his temper might escalate once a new born is around. So as you're not going to end it,
write him a letter (as you daren't approach him, but what does that tell you?) and tell him how his DD feels, how you feel and that if he doesn't address it and get help, as well as losing his dd he will lose you and the baby.
Put a time scale in it and stick to it for your own good. Leave him plenty of time to digest the letter and if his response is still denial, then you're accepting it by staying. Accepting it for your baby too.

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:38

@BlueEyedBengal it's possible. I have no idea how I would ever find out as his military history is not something I ask about. He has only given me snippets but then he only served for a very short time as a shoulder surgery put him out of action.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:39

@GinandGingerBeer I think I need to. Being entirely truthful, whether I could stick to that ultimatum I don't know, but I do realise that I have been extremely naive and I am seeking help because I don't want my DC to end up in the same position as his DD.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/07/2018 11:41

He is responsible for addressing his own behaviour.
You and the children should not have to suffer it, particularly if he isn't willing to address it or if he refuses to acknowledge how his behaviour affects the people around him.
That's why I don't think it's anything like PTSD. More like he doesn't care, or uses his behaviour to control people around him.

Kabeca · 14/07/2018 11:42

Lady came on for some advice and all she's getting is abusive hurled at her! Does is make you all feel good? Superior?

Congrats on the baby OP. Perhaps you could consider couples counselling. Sometimes an objective third party can really help you through. It might give you safe space to bring up the issue so you really feel heard. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. Of course he will be defensive and upset and I don't think having an emotional reaction that isn't perfect makes a man abusive. If he then changes his behaviour you'll have built a good foundation for how to communicate over difficult topics. If he doesn't then you have a decision to make.

Him calling his ex names does raise a huge red flag for me. I'd not be having that and I'd be raising that as well. It's not ok.

MsMaestro · 14/07/2018 11:43

Could you meet his ex for a chat to get her side of the story?

Doublevodka · 14/07/2018 11:45

OP, you are clearly a very intelligent and articulate person. Some of these responses here have been quite unhelpful. I agree with the posters who are advising that you speak to him calmly and honestly. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. I really hope this all works out well for you.

Lweji · 14/07/2018 11:51

She already knows how he'll react. Or she wouldn't be afraid of it.

Bibesia · 14/07/2018 11:53

If you raising the mobile phone issue with him is only going to result in 30 seconds' shouting and no more, why are you scared to raise it with him? The reality is that it will be considerably more, isn't it?

I suspect he manages to control his anger perfectly well at work. Why can't he do so at home?

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:54

My plan is to sit down calmly once his DD is at her mums and talk to him about it. I've never actually sat and spoken to him about this being an issue in itself, only regarding the separate occasions that he had overreacted etc. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

I will be made out to sound like I'm defending him but this thread has made him out to seem far worse than he really is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:55

Amazingly I just told him about the mobile issue and he said 'ok thanks for letting me know' - which is a first and is bizarre considering the discussion I'm currently having with you all. Wasn't expecting that calm response.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:57

@MsMaestro it's not my place to. I have no idea how trustworthy she is, whether she would make things up, I just don't know. I think that would add fuel to the fire and whilst she has real concerns for her DD she has tried to get in between us before so I will probably avoid this.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 14/07/2018 11:57

How about of you have a conversation when you are both in a good mood and have some time to spare. Tell him that having the new baby coming has made you think about the kind of parent you want to be and you would like to start trying to improve yourself before the babay comes. Ask him if he would like to join you. If he agrees then each of you write down 2 things about the other person you think are great traits that you would like to see more of, and 2 traits that you would like to see less of. Then exchange lists and talk about the traits and ways that would be helpful to support each other in making the changes. Then stick the lists on the fridge and have a go. Have a weekly check in about what is proving tricky, what is easy, what you need more help with from your OH, what help isnt as helpful as you thought it might be. Etc

SeaToSki · 14/07/2018 11:58

Sorry about the typos... fat fingers

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 12:00

Thank you @Doublevodka - I question my own intelligence sometimes after posting on mn!!

OP posts:
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