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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I actually agree with his ex. How do I reason with him?

100 replies

Harveyy · 14/07/2018 10:00

Me and DP have been together for 3 years. We are expecting out first and are very happy.

He has a DD, 6, who is a sweetheart and an absolute pleasure to spend time with.

DP does not get on with his ex. His daughter often doesn't want to come here, this concerns DDs mum, understandably. He moans to me regularly about how his ex is concerned that DD doesn't want to stay here, that she's done this and she's said that, and calls her every name under the sun. His exes main concerns seem to stem around how happy her DD is whilst she's here, and that she's trying to help him out. His DD has recently stated she doesn't like it when he gets angry. He does have a temper and flies off the handle at silly things (not aimed at anyone but for example if he bumps his head he will shout and vent about it for 30 seconds). This scares his DD. Again, his ex has brought this up, but he refuses to acknowledge it and calls her a meddling so and so.

I'm finding this really hard as I actually agree with what his ex is saying and think he is ruining his relationship with his daughter by not acknowledging these concerns for himself.

I genuinely believe his ex is trying to help, but because he is such a defensive person, he can't ever see that he's wrong.

His DD confided in me this morning that she thinks her daddy likes his mobile phone more than her and I'm just so scared to raise it with him based on how he reacts to ha ex raising similar issues.

What do I do and how do I go about talking to him? I want to do it in a way that is clearly from a good place so he understands, not just so he gets defensive and fails to listen to what I say. I don't want him to feel attacked.

Help?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/07/2018 10:51

I think posters are trying to raise the point that the implications of your post extend to you and your baby and you need to consider what you want to do. Its already impacting on one of his children

AnyFucker · 14/07/2018 10:52

The world is full of women who hope against all the evidence that they can change men's behaviour. Who go into relationships thinking it will be different for them. You can't and it won't.

The only person that can effect change is him and the 1st step is acknowledging that they are the problem

Defensiveness and blaming external circumstances for his inability to control himself means he is nowhere near taking responsibility

Yes, you are already pregnant. That doesn't mean you have to stay with him and watch him do the same to your own children

NotTakenUsername · 14/07/2018 10:53

His DD confided in me this morning that she thinks her daddy likes his mobile phone more than her

Sad This made me really sad, and a bit guilty. So I’m taking a big break from my phone, starting now.

Op you sound lovely, and I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time when you are pregnant and asking for advice.

I hope it all works out for you and your baby and your dsd.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2018 10:53

In six years time it'll be your child who's scared of their dad.

dangerrabbit · 14/07/2018 10:55

Has his behaviour escalated since you became pregnant OP? By which I mean, have you observed an increasing number of incidents of behaviours where you feel anxious to challenge him?

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 10:56

@dangerrabbit no nothing has changed. I don't think it's 'one of those' scenarios but I know what you're hinting at. Pregnancy in this instance hasn't changed anything.

OP posts:
FiestaThenSiesta · 14/07/2018 10:56

What will happen if he has a 30 second screaming rant at “no one” because the baby is teething and crying and he’s not been able to sleep for 2-3 days?

eddielizzard · 14/07/2018 10:58

Well his ex sounds like she's trying to do the best she can. She's been in your shoes and LTB.

What I'd do is tell him that his defensiveness and aggression are what caused his last relationship break up. Does he really want that for you and your unborn baby too? Tell him that his dd is scared of him. You are too. And that she thinks he likes his phone more than her. Tell him all of this regardless of his reaction. It's an ultimatum - either he shapes up or history will repeat itself.

Greenyogagirl · 14/07/2018 10:58

Congratulations on baby x
Being scared is not a normal response, however ‘normal’ your situation is.
To be honest, I’d sit him down and tell him, his daughter is scared of him, you’re scared of him, his ex is right and he needs to make changes now or risk losing both children and you.
How he reacts will tell you all you need to know but maybe do it somewhere public or at a friends house

dangerrabbit · 14/07/2018 10:58

It’s good that things have stayed the same since becoming pregnant and you haven’t noticed any change in his behaviour. Do you know what the reason was for the split from the ex?

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:02

@dangerrabbit he's ex military and I don't think it worked out with him being away so much. That's what I know anyway and it has been confirmed by mutual friends of him and his ex

OP posts:
Playdohnut · 14/07/2018 11:04

You shouldn’t be scared to raise the issue, his daughter shouldn’t be scared of him.

^^ This. If you said "DP, sometimes I feel I can't raise things with you because I'm scared how you'll react", how do you think that conversation would pan out?

Quartz2208 · 14/07/2018 11:06

if he is ex military and served abroad did he ever get help for that he sounds like he could have some PTSD symptoms that need addressing

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:07

@Playdohnut I've actually raised that with him before. He knows he overreacts but will only admit it when I raise it way down the line. In the moment he would never be adult enough to take a step back and realise that he's being completely irrational.

OP posts:
eggncress · 14/07/2018 11:08

“It is very easy to become blind to things like this when you are the one in the relationship. As silly as it sounds, what is not normal often becomes your normal and once it is the norm, you adjust. It shouldn't be that way but that is the situation I've found myself in.“

I agree OP and I was in such a situation for many many years. It took far too long for me to realise I was being deliberately but subtly and insidiously abused over many years to the point it seemed normal.No physical violence but emotional/ verbal “ kicking off” which was basically his manipulation tactics. I was constantly making excuses for him. I ended up doing everything while he did the bare minimum. But it seemed “ normal”.
Be very careful !

If I’d had the benefit of knowledge and support from MN back then, I would have taken measures to leave him much sooner.

I’m not saying you should leave but definately there are issues which you need to deal with within the relationship. If you don’t get a good positive reaction from him perhaps leaving him will be necessary because often they don’t change.
Definately look up Freedom Programe !

thornyhousewife · 14/07/2018 11:09

This man makes his ex wife, his current partner and his daughter unhappy and afraid of his reactions.

OP, something fundamental needs to change.

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:09

@Quartz2208 he doesn't talk about it, but assures me that it has had no ill affect on him. Whether I am naive to believe that I don't know but he hasn't ever raised a problem.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/07/2018 11:10

I don't think it's 'one of those' scenarios

What is "one of those" scenarios for you?

And you know nothing about why it didn't work out with his ex, other than that he reacts angrily to her reasonable requests, little things like bumping his head, and you're afraid to raise subjects with him. Those are red flags.

Whatever has happened to him, or if this is him, you don't have to be afraid of raising issues with him, his DD shouldn't be scared of him, and you shouldn't expose your baby to this.

FiestaThenSiesta · 14/07/2018 11:10

He’s in the military and you believe that bullshit? He’s not adult enough to take a step back and reign it in at work? Or does the curse for 30 seconds and act like that in front of his superiors too?

No, he can control his temper at work just fine, can’t he? Just not in front of his child and wife.

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:13

@Lweji one of those situations aka when men become abusive during pregnancy. Nothing has changed in the 6 months I've been pregnant.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2018 11:13

"One of those" scenarios happens to women like you all over the country everyday

Do you think your situation is any different?

AnyFucker · 14/07/2018 11:14

He was already abusive before then. Is this a positive ? Hmm

Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:14

@FiestaThenSiesta which bit are you referring to as bullshit I can't work it out?

He's not in the military anymore, he hasn't been for 4 years, and we aren't married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harveyy · 14/07/2018 11:15

@AnyFucker No it's not I was just answering a question.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/07/2018 11:18

one of those situations aka when men become abusive during pregnancy

He is already abusive. Or you wouldn't be afraid to talk to him about his reactions and how his behaviour affects his own child.

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