Will he ever propose... Do I still want him to?

[CityTeacher]

Hi - so I'll warn you all in advance that this is a long post.
My partner and I have been together since we were 21, I am now 29.
We have spoken several times about marriage, children, etc. We even tried to get a mortgage on our flat together.
A few years ago my friend got engaged and DP started his own conversation with me about how he wanted to get engaged ASAP. I expressed that I felt in the same place. This was in 2014.

Since then, we have spoken about engagement and marriage quite openly. This is a two-way conversation and isn't brought up by myself more so than him. But we're not engaged still? I have asked about myself asking him, but he wasn't down for this at all and said that he was already looking at rings, etc.

We have had frank conversations where I have told him that this is not what I wanted, and not what I want in the future. DP always agrees and will go on and on about how he wants nothing else. We have done some amazing things together, including spending Christmas under the Northern Lights, as well as going on a whaling adventure (I'm obsessed with whales) and yet he still didn't ask. He always tells me that he wants it to be 'perfect' but I have been feeling more and more that he just isn't ever going to ask.

It's now at the point where I feel like all excitement and magic has gone out of the prospect of him proposing to me. I'm honestly not sure I even want it now? I feel so conflicted... but if he really wanted to marry me, would he have dragged it on this long whilst continuously reminding me that he wishes we had moved on with our life, etc? It makes me wonder about in the future - will I always just be left waiting until he feels everything is right? If I had known years ago that I would still be waiting around, I wouldn't have stuck with him. I know that sounds awful but it's the truth.

As a side note, I found out at the start of our relationship that I didn't have many eggs (infertility runs in my family) and so we prioritised having children before the age of 27, as advised by my Doctor. This is now years ago, and I so often wonder what I would do if we couldn't now have kids just because we have waited around so long. (We both want to be engaged before having kids)

So, any advice? Any anything?
Is he being unfair? Am I?

OP - risky strategy but if you tell him you are fed up waiting and end things it will make him realise how he really feels about you. Be prepared for him to realise that he doesn't want to get married though. I had an ex who used to hint that I wasn't good enough for him- I left it for ages until I'd had enough and ended it. He went absolutely crazy and spent almost a year begging me to come back and that the shock had made him realise how much he loved me. Of course the damage for me had already been done.

On a side note.. please tell me you didn't actually go whaling? Do you mean whale watching?!

If he hasn't proposed within 3 years he doesn't see you as his future

What utter bollocks, so somebody who has been married before wanting to protect his children’s assets by not remarrying, isn’t serious???

If he hasn't proposed within 3 years he doesn't see you as his future

Agree that that comment is total garbage and not even just in regards to people not wanting to remarry.

My DH proposed to me after we'd been together for ~7 years. We were still only mid 20s ish by that point (and with no known fertility issues, which is obviously where my situation differs drastically from the OP's) so there was no rush to get married and have kids.

We'd already bought a house together after 3 years and he was the one who put in the whole of the sizable deposit, so he was definitely already seeing me "as his future" by then.

We've been very happily married for another 20 years since.

I think the issue here is that he's been stringing her along and is showing a callous lack of consideration of the OP's very legitimate worries about her fertility. That is SO out of order. If that weren't the case then the fact that they've simply been together for more than x-number of years without getting married wouldn't necessarily be a bad sign at all.

My Best friend was in a very similar position. Her sister couldnt have kids and she knew it wouldnt be plain sailing. She met her now DH at uni.

Very similar frustrations and timeline to you. He didnt want to engaged/married yet until he'd retrained. Didnt want to try for a baby until they had a nice house.

She basically had to put her foot down and fight for any progression they've made.
They eventually started trying when she was 32, that was 4 years ago and she's still doing IVF and has had a traumatic time of it all.

But at least they've got a nice house and he didnt have any sleepless nights during his exams eh?

Some people just dont understand what they are letting pass them by.

If you ended up like my friend, would you be able to swallow bitterness that it was probably down to him? I would tell himnyou're leaving, and be prepared to go through with it if he doesnt agree to pull his finger out very soon

I made the comment Re 3 years.

That's been what I've witnessed repeatedly including remarriage. If your relationship is an exception to that, great. I've yet to come across one in real life.

good luck OP...

Agree with others - you say I want to be married and trying for a baby by the end of the year/my 30th birthday, and if he doesn't say yes and start making arrangements, cut your losses and dump him. An engagement is meaningless until you've set a date and booked a venue.

With the fertility issues I’d say forget worrying about the engagement- tell him you want to start trying for a baby ASAP. You can always get engaged/married when you’re pregnant/after the baby.

Just wanted to say that be careful what you wish for. My relative went through similar, he dicked her about for ages, and after she gave an ultimatum they got engaged, married had DC (after years of ivf which no doubt his time wasting didn’t help) and now 10 years down the line she’s left doing it all - DC/demanding ft work/chores and all the mental load these come with. She’s now on the brink of having a nervous breakdown from doing it all with a useless man child in tow who’s just happy to float about and let her take charge because he’s too spineless to act on anything. Please don’t let yourself become her.

Good luck

You already asked him and he fobbed you off with blah blah blah. It wasn’t a “yes”. Therefore it was a “no”. Just because he didn’t actually use the term “no” doesn’t mean that wasn’t his answer.

One might hope evasiveness would lean towards the positive if you want to believe what he says he (might) (is planning) (will think about) do/doing. But so much time has passed, the HUGE time mark of 27 yrs came and went, so much talking about it with out doing anything to move the agenda forward- reveals that it was all just placating lip service.

At this point, you are doubting if you still want him too. That is your gut feeling. Go with your gut and move on.

He is really good when things are his idea. Everything has to be his idea. That is not s relationship. That is being in service. Sorry.

Another one of these threads, another woman hanging around waiting for her dp to decide her future. Sigh. Op you look your dp in the eye and say, I want to get married (not engaged, married). Do you want to get married? Let's decide now when we are going to do it. Don't be put off by his waffling about proposals, how much he loves you, yada yada yada, it's either a yes or a no. If it's a no, let him go. If it's a yes, get it sorted.

Hi OP
I like the ultimatum

The time factor very much depends on your age when you meet someone.

If you're teens or early twenties... then you may be prepared to wait 5 years or more.

I met my DH at 26... I wouldn't have hung around for anything near 5 years. He proposed within 18 months...we got married the following year.

We had discussed marriage... but I made it clear when a proposal wasn't forthcoming...that
Perhaps we ought to take a break... I wasn't about to issue an ultimatum...I just said maybe he needed more time to think about it without me.

Engagements with no marriage plans are pointless IMO.
A colleague/friend got engaged over 2 years ago now.. and no actual plans to get married have surfaced.

I was curious and asked why.... she admitted having been together for 16 years already... it's just not that exciting. She'd stopped thinking it would happen after a while.

I wasn't about to issue an ultimatum...I just said maybe he needed more time to think about it without me.

Brilliant way of putting it.