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Relationships

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Original poster

Will he ever propose... Do I still want him to?

114 replies

CityTeacher · 12/07/2018 16:05

Hi - so I'll warn you all in advance that this is a long post.
My partner and I have been together since we were 21, I am now 29.
We have spoken several times about marriage, children, etc. We even tried to get a mortgage on our flat together.
A few years ago my friend got engaged and DP started his own conversation with me about how he wanted to get engaged ASAP. I expressed that I felt in the same place. This was in 2014.

Since then, we have spoken about engagement and marriage quite openly. This is a two-way conversation and isn't brought up by myself more so than him. But we're not engaged still? I have asked about myself asking him, but he wasn't down for this at all and said that he was already looking at rings, etc.

We have had frank conversations where I have told him that this is not what I wanted, and not what I want in the future. DP always agrees and will go on and on about how he wants nothing else. We have done some amazing things together, including spending Christmas under the Northern Lights, as well as going on a whaling adventure (I'm obsessed with whales) and yet he still didn't ask. He always tells me that he wants it to be 'perfect' but I have been feeling more and more that he just isn't ever going to ask.

It's now at the point where I feel like all excitement and magic has gone out of the prospect of him proposing to me. I'm honestly not sure I even want it now? I feel so conflicted... but if he really wanted to marry me, would he have dragged it on this long whilst continuously reminding me that he wishes we had moved on with our life, etc? It makes me wonder about in the future - will I always just be left waiting until he feels everything is right? If I had known years ago that I would still be waiting around, I wouldn't have stuck with him. I know that sounds awful but it's the truth.

As a side note, I found out at the start of our relationship that I didn't have many eggs (infertility runs in my family) and so we prioritised having children before the age of 27, as advised by my Doctor. This is now years ago, and I so often wonder what I would do if we couldn't now have kids just because we have waited around so long. (We both want to be engaged before having kids)

So, any advice? Any anything?
Is he being unfair? Am I?

OP posts:

TiltedTowers · 12/07/2018 18:51

HOld firm OP.

Don't plead.
Tell him the romantic proposal has passed. Get married within three months. He has to tell everybody, book a place, buy a ring, take holiday from work and he has to WANT to, or it's all off.

I think you would be better off having a child on your own terms, donor insemination perhaps.

JustGettingStarted · 12/07/2018 19:07

I think better than an ultimatum would be to simply start making plans - life plans - to move on.

Look at jobs in another city. Browse Rightmove. Casually mention things without indicating that his opinion is wanted. If you go on a job interview in another city, that will get his attention. "Oh, I don't know, really. I just thought I'd see what they have to offer..." then change the subject.

If he feels insecure, he will likely propose. If he doesn't, at least you're making plans.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 12/07/2018 19:15

I wouldn't play any games. It's been 8 years. You know each other well enough to just ask him outright if you will be married inside the next 12 months. If he says yes, set a date. If he comes out with some perfect proposal hocum you need to accept that he's been wasting your time in terms of marriage and babies and you need to move on.

MiniMimi00 · 12/07/2018 19:22

If a man truly wants to commit, he commits. No power on earth could stop him.

Tell him that you have now waited too long for an engagement, state your desire for marriage before children & ask when he wants to book the church/registry office.
When he shuts the conversation down, make your plans to remove your belongings, and leave. Don't give him chance to talk you round, just leave. You are young enough to start over with someone who does want to be with you and plan a future with you.

Stay - and in a couple more years, you will be no further ahead, with dwindling fertility and less chance of having children.

Doingreat · 12/07/2018 19:28

Hi OP.

Minimoo's advice is spot on. Take a no nonsense approach to this situation. There's no other way. Don't settle for an engagement at this point. Let him know when you want to be married by. Even a year is too long if you want to ttc any time soon.

Your fertility is dwindling. How will you feel if he moves on and has kids with someone else while you deal with infertility? I know that sounds harsh. But it's happened to other women.

Unobtainable · 12/07/2018 19:30

What a poor situation to be in. He has you exactly where he wants you. He has all the benefits of a relationship but none of the responsibility.

I think if a man hasnt proposed after two years then generally he doesnt want to get married.

Kingsclerelass · 12/07/2018 19:34

Ultimatum time. If he doesn’t propose on this holiday, stand him in front of a jewellers shop window when you get back and say “I like that one”
If he refuses to go in, you’ll know.

dirtybadger · 12/07/2018 19:55

Ultimatum time. Are we getting married? Great. What month? Fuck a big wedding, elope somewhere affordable and special, get trying for a baby.

If he wants kids, Im a bit confused as to his lack of worry over your current situation! Of course the clock isnt ticking for him...!

dirtybadger · 12/07/2018 19:56

I wouldnt even bother with a ring. You dont need one and your money would be better spent elsewhere (the wedding, other future plans).

UtterlyConfused111 · 12/07/2018 20:22

@meetmeinmontauk

Yes! What you said... nail on the head.

Op
Response has been pretty unanimous here I think... it’s time to talk to him

stressedoutpa · 12/07/2018 20:25

^ this

I sort of had this problem with XP. Got fed up in the end and left him to it. Met DH who was falling over himself to be with me and proposed after five months. Twelve years on and I am very bloody glad it worked out how it did. Have much more peace of mind than I ever had with XP.

Friend was with a boyfriend who didn't want to commit/get married/have children. 18 months after they split up, he was married with a baby on the way.

If men want to get married they generally get on with it.

thedevilinablackdress · 12/07/2018 20:32

Yeah, the engagement window has passed. He either wants to get married (soon). Or not. Stop talking engagement, start talking serious future plans. See how he reacts.

SandyY2K · 12/07/2018 20:33

Being engaged means NOTHING.

Maybe in your case...but it meant planning for a wedding in my case.

If he'd have faffed about and been non commital with a date ..or tried waiting 6 years...I'd have been long gone.

If you allow a man to mess you around...he will.

CrackerCrisp · 12/07/2018 20:34

I think what he’ll do when he sees the chart is do the ‘Oh well I was going to propose on holiday/some date, but now you’ve ruined it...’. Fairly predictable and blames you.

Chances are he wants to get married but not to you. He’s comfortable but will be off if someone else comes along.

Look at his actions not his words. He’s very good at placating you, telling you what you want to hear but he doesn’t actually do anything.

Even if he does propose how long will it be until you get married? Another 8 years? You’ve given up so much time for him, don’t waste any more. He’s certainly not bothered and that’s not even taking in to account potential fertility issues.

halfwitpicker · 12/07/2018 20:39

God he sounds completely feckless.

halfwitpicker · 12/07/2018 20:43

Lots of people get engaged, and don't set plans. They have agreed to get married.
^^

Yes. But they're not actually married are they? I can agree to lots of things, but not actually do any of them. Couch to 5k? Sure! Never gonna happen.....

Tiredmum100 · 12/07/2018 20:46

My cousin and his wife were like this for years, he wouldn't get married. In the end she left. They got back together and have been happily married for over 10 years now. I hope things work out they way you want. You need to think about what YOU want!! I had an ex like this. He wouldn't commit (turned out to be a God send to) I left in the end. He asked me to marry him. I had fallen so far out of love with him by that point. Two years later and I was married to someone else!

eddielizzard · 12/07/2018 20:51

I also agree with MiniMimi00. It'll take nerves of steel but he's had his many chances and blown them all.

Good luck. If he strings you along with 'it'll happen I promise.' remind yourself that you've been down that road many times and you simply don't believe him any more.

RideOn · 12/07/2018 20:54

OP “the right time” for you has been and gone, with bells on.

So you’re waiting for his “right time” and if it isn’t now when is it.

Tell him about how you now feel about a “proposal” and if he is going to marry you then from tonight you are “engaged”.

Decide if you should start ttc when you get back, maybe an autumn/winter wedding THIS YEAR.

It’s your life/ relationship/family too.

trojanpony · 12/07/2018 20:55

Similar happened to a friend of mine she issued a very clear ultimatum and they are now very happily married but she was ready to walk away and you should be to

RideOn · 12/07/2018 20:58

Is he like this in other areas of life, or just when it comes to your happiness and security?

Does he just wait for the right job to turn up? See if tickets to gigs/ trips abroad, does he actively plan to a deadline or does he “imagine” the holiday and you make it happen?

Good luck!

IfNot · 12/07/2018 21:09

It doesn't sound like he really wants to marry you.
You don't sound like you actually want to marry him either, more that you have invested all this time and you don't want the stress of having to find someone else, especially with your fertility issues.
I think women often end up with the wrong man because of the damn biological clock tbh. They get to a particular age and they panic, understandably.
The thing is I think you need to separate out the two things: the man you genuinely are in love with, and your desire to have a family.

So, imagine he does propose, you get married and babies don't ever happen anyway (maybe because of some problem with him even).
How does that feel? Could you be happy?

It's fine if children are a deal breaker in any relationship-totally ok to break it off with a man you love because he doesn't want kids and you do for example, but the love and passion HAS to be there first, aside from any desire for children.

If it's not, how are you going to make a marriage work?

My advice- admit it's probably over, cut your losses and move on.
You're 29, it's young. Don't be 35 in the same position.

Barbaro · 12/07/2018 21:13

Seen loads of women on here go through the same thing. Wait and wait and wait for marriage, and then the guy runs off with someone else, marries them and has kids with them. The previous woman is left alone and childless, potentially forever.

If you want children, don't let that be you. In all honesty, I don't think you should even bother with an ultimatum. He doesn't want to marry you or he'd have proposed and he certainly wouldn't make you apologise for feeling this way.

When he comes home, break up with him. Then get some of your eggs frozen just incase.

Whipsmart · 12/07/2018 21:13

Definitely frame it as "I'm not even sure I want to marry you now." He's way too comfortable and sure that you'll never leave

CrackerCrisp · 12/07/2018 21:14

The right time is just an excuse. He’s had up to 8 years, how much time doesn’t he need?

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