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Original poster

Will he ever propose... Do I still want him to?

114 replies

CityTeacher · 12/07/2018 16:05

Hi - so I'll warn you all in advance that this is a long post.
My partner and I have been together since we were 21, I am now 29.
We have spoken several times about marriage, children, etc. We even tried to get a mortgage on our flat together.
A few years ago my friend got engaged and DP started his own conversation with me about how he wanted to get engaged ASAP. I expressed that I felt in the same place. This was in 2014.

Since then, we have spoken about engagement and marriage quite openly. This is a two-way conversation and isn't brought up by myself more so than him. But we're not engaged still? I have asked about myself asking him, but he wasn't down for this at all and said that he was already looking at rings, etc.

We have had frank conversations where I have told him that this is not what I wanted, and not what I want in the future. DP always agrees and will go on and on about how he wants nothing else. We have done some amazing things together, including spending Christmas under the Northern Lights, as well as going on a whaling adventure (I'm obsessed with whales) and yet he still didn't ask. He always tells me that he wants it to be 'perfect' but I have been feeling more and more that he just isn't ever going to ask.

It's now at the point where I feel like all excitement and magic has gone out of the prospect of him proposing to me. I'm honestly not sure I even want it now? I feel so conflicted... but if he really wanted to marry me, would he have dragged it on this long whilst continuously reminding me that he wishes we had moved on with our life, etc? It makes me wonder about in the future - will I always just be left waiting until he feels everything is right? If I had known years ago that I would still be waiting around, I wouldn't have stuck with him. I know that sounds awful but it's the truth.

As a side note, I found out at the start of our relationship that I didn't have many eggs (infertility runs in my family) and so we prioritised having children before the age of 27, as advised by my Doctor. This is now years ago, and I so often wonder what I would do if we couldn't now have kids just because we have waited around so long. (We both want to be engaged before having kids)

So, any advice? Any anything?
Is he being unfair? Am I?

OP posts:
Pinkyponkcustard · 12/07/2018 21:47

How did it go op?

Cawfee · 12/07/2018 21:56

Hope you got the answer you wanted OP

starryeyed19 · 12/07/2018 22:02

I agree with the previous posters. I think you would be married right now if he really wanted it. And as for you having to apologise when you try to have a serious conversation about it...

Also, nodding vigorously to the poster who talked about what that kind of indecision and ineffectuality would be like WITH kids. You'll go nuts.

I don't envy you your decision

starryeyed19 · 12/07/2018 22:07

Op, I hope you're OK. This kind of thing is shitty beyond belief. I can't help but feel that any proposal now would feel slightly spoiled anyway.

Littlechocola · 12/07/2018 22:11

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to give him an ultimatum to marry you and have children with you?

That’s not a great start to a marriage.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 12/07/2018 22:15

If it helps in any way myself and DP met very young and were together 9 years before we got engaged. He always said he didn't want long engagement but would do it one day. As soon as I stopped nagging him about it he proposed! We were going to get married then I became pregnant with long awaited dd so couldn't afford it. We have now been engaged for 7 years with no immediate plans to get married. We're happy as we are and although we both really want to get married we just don't have the money right now.

Furx · 12/07/2018 22:19

Hope you are OK.

Minimoos advice is spot on. Fuck the romantic shit. 3months do it. Registry office, no fuss. Job done.

DONT fall for the sunk cost fallacy.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 12/07/2018 23:53

The solitaire from your grandad sounds lovely, I wouldn't offer it to this lazy arse, I'd use it to symbolise my independence. Agree with this Turnip. I have a beautiful Edwardian ring from my mum/nan which I had offered to my DP if ever he felt the need to propose. When I realised it wasn’t happening I had it resizes to wear myself as a reminder of my mum and to show that I don’t need a man to validate me in order to wear my mum’s beautiful ring.

However, I don’t have a timing issue like you, I had my DCs with my XH and there are some practical obstacles to moving in with DP so we have some legitimate reasons for not marrying. In your situation I would have fucked him off by now. You can guarantee that if you leave him he will be marrie with kids within 2 years. It happens all the time. Sad

HollowTalk · 13/07/2018 00:01

I burst out laughing at the colour coding. You sound great, OP, and if he doesn't snap you up, he's an idiot.

Graphista · 13/07/2018 00:23

Engagement means nothing, marriage is a legal contract and I would strongly advise any woman to be married before having DC and DEFINITELY before even considering being a sahm.

Honestly, didn't need the long op. I'm old compared to you and my life experience has taught me this:

If he hasn't proposed within 3 years he doesn't see you as his future.

Some propose after 3 years, but usually under pressure either from their partner or either family and the relationships haven't lasted. I'm talking split within less than 10 years even if they went on to marry and have DC.

All the successful relationships I know, the majority there was a proposal within a year, all within 3 years. Some of these were in previous ltr where it was expected they'd probably marry. In talking to the people where this was the case they've said things like 'it never felt quite right' that the relationships lasted as long as they did 'out of habit'. And a good few of those met and proposed to their next partner very quickly.

It's also a very common thread topic on here. With similar outcomes - shocked ex partners that were with someone for a long time, continually fobbed off and then less than a year after their split they're engaged to the new partner, sometimes even married, planned baby on way.

Honestly? Cut your losses and get out.

SandyY2K · 13/07/2018 01:10

Being engaged with no serious plan to marry is a joke IMO. At the end of the day... youre just a GF. There's no nearly a wife.

If anyone is happy with that...then good luck to you.

Otherwise.... get protected and know your rights in the event of death or a split.

As fiancee... you wouldn't even be the NOK in a medical emergency.

SandyY2K · 13/07/2018 01:12

As fiancee... you wouldn't even be the NOK in a medical emergency.

Unless paperwork has been drawn up to this effect.

Without a will ... nothing of his is yours.

SouthWestmom · 13/07/2018 08:02

Woman have been raised on such a big fat lie we let men have so much control over this weird 'proposal' even when we've had their kids, financed their dreams, lived with them, etc etc.

What else is Disney about this situation? Why does he have to be a prince and do some romantic question when the rest of your life isn't castles and kingdoms?

ciderhouserules · 13/07/2018 08:17

OP - I'd take back control. Be your own woman - if you want kids, have them. Donor perhaps. He is obvs not bothered about being a father.

And what's with the 'blaming' on this thread? One poster saying 'men take the piss if you let them?? WTF? And another - she stopped 'nagging' and it (the proposal!) happened! Praise be! So stop 'nagging' Hmm OP! And you'll 'get' your 'man'!

Incidentally, that word is only used against women; there is no male equivalent. So please don't use it against yourself or other women. It's a disgusting, derogatory , demeaning and disrespectful word, used to ignore what women want.

TiltedTowers · 13/07/2018 08:23

Agree, at this point, skip the ''engagement''.

I agree with the pp. The nagging comments are ridiculous. Women have a right to know if they're wasting their one and only life.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 13/07/2018 10:02

What else is Disney about this situation? Why does he have to be a prince and do some romantic question when the rest of your life isn't castles and kingdoms?. Well said Noeuf - proposals are a relic, we should be equally in control of such a major life changing decision, not waiting around for him to decide when we can get married or have kids.

MsRinky · 13/07/2018 10:10

I agree that it's decision time.

However, I don't hold with the idea that all successful relationships have to have a proposal within a year, three at the outside, especially if you meet young. I got together with MrR when we were both 19, there is no way I would have accepted a proposal at 20, or at 22. I didn't finish my education until I was 23, and he didn't finish until 25. We then sorted out our careers, moved all around the country, get settled, bought a house and then married on our 10 year anniversary when we were both 29. That was 17 years ago, and we're very happy.

Churrolicious · 13/07/2018 10:36

Agree with people saying his behaviour is a joke and it’s time for tough talking. I hope the timeline helped and this morning you’re both discussing wedding venues. If you aren’t I’d be rethinking whether he was the person for ne

ciderhouserules · 13/07/2018 12:24

MsR - that's OK for you, but the OP has declining fertility which means that she has a deadline. She's already 29 and may only have a few more years - if they/he has decided that they need to be at least engaged before kids (and leaving aside how cocked up that it - marriage, yes. Single - equally yes. Engaged? Why? Neither single nor married? Hmm) then she is on a hiding to nothing, waiting for her P to propose.

Personally I'd move on, and look at kids by myself.

LanaorAna2 · 13/07/2018 12:38

How dismal for you OP - you don't deserve it.

If you go for the ultimatum option, which sadly you might be forced into, be prepared to boot him within a month ie start saving now so you can pay his share of the bills once he's left.

But I'm agreeing with you on this - I wouldn't be that convinced I wanted to marry him either. He sounds lovely at doing fun but not so good at doing life. No harm at all in looking around for someone else or another city, another job, you name it.

Whatever you choose, do not get conned into having his DC without marriage.

MsRinky · 13/07/2018 14:32

My very first sentence agreed that it has to be decision time for the OP!

I was just arguing against the assertion made elsewhere that no proposal in three years= automatically doomed relationship.

snowgirl1 · 13/07/2018 14:43

I think some men know they don't want to commit but struggle to leave a "comfy" relationship
^
This

MikeUniformMike · 13/07/2018 14:53

Yes. I know someone who did this. He had a lovely girlfriend. After 9 years she dumped him.
I asked him why and he said "She was great as a girlfriend, but she wasn't a wife".
She got married to someone else within a few months. He met someone else and got married fairly soon.

piscis · 13/07/2018 14:54

I don't have any relationship advice I'm afraid, but because of your fertility issue, I would see about having some eggs frozen ASAP.

My thoughts exactly. That way you will gain time ans you can have babies in a few years time.

ravenmum · 13/07/2018 15:11

Was going to say the same about freezing eggs. Pretty unforgivable of him to do this in full knowledge that he is lowering your chances of ever having children.

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