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Original poster

Will he ever propose... Do I still want him to?

114 replies

CityTeacher · 12/07/2018 16:05

Hi - so I'll warn you all in advance that this is a long post.
My partner and I have been together since we were 21, I am now 29.
We have spoken several times about marriage, children, etc. We even tried to get a mortgage on our flat together.
A few years ago my friend got engaged and DP started his own conversation with me about how he wanted to get engaged ASAP. I expressed that I felt in the same place. This was in 2014.

Since then, we have spoken about engagement and marriage quite openly. This is a two-way conversation and isn't brought up by myself more so than him. But we're not engaged still? I have asked about myself asking him, but he wasn't down for this at all and said that he was already looking at rings, etc.

We have had frank conversations where I have told him that this is not what I wanted, and not what I want in the future. DP always agrees and will go on and on about how he wants nothing else. We have done some amazing things together, including spending Christmas under the Northern Lights, as well as going on a whaling adventure (I'm obsessed with whales) and yet he still didn't ask. He always tells me that he wants it to be 'perfect' but I have been feeling more and more that he just isn't ever going to ask.

It's now at the point where I feel like all excitement and magic has gone out of the prospect of him proposing to me. I'm honestly not sure I even want it now? I feel so conflicted... but if he really wanted to marry me, would he have dragged it on this long whilst continuously reminding me that he wishes we had moved on with our life, etc? It makes me wonder about in the future - will I always just be left waiting until he feels everything is right? If I had known years ago that I would still be waiting around, I wouldn't have stuck with him. I know that sounds awful but it's the truth.

As a side note, I found out at the start of our relationship that I didn't have many eggs (infertility runs in my family) and so we prioritised having children before the age of 27, as advised by my Doctor. This is now years ago, and I so often wonder what I would do if we couldn't now have kids just because we have waited around so long. (We both want to be engaged before having kids)

So, any advice? Any anything?
Is he being unfair? Am I?

OP posts:
Osirus · 12/07/2018 17:13

My DP was exactly like this - waiting for the perfect time, I have plans etc.

Except he didn’t.

We DID eventually, after 11 years, get married. No proposal though, just mutual agreement and did it on the quiet. We had no family there.

We did have a baby first, through IVF, and got married a year after she was born.

My DH’s brother did propose to his GF after 6 years I think. This was four years ago and she’s still trying to get him down the aisle. Being engaged means NOTHING.

Maybe try and find out what it is that is causing him to stall. Your future and any potential family depends on this. He needs to understand that he has to be honest. My DP (now DH) could never understand why I needed to know what his intentions were. I’m glad we had our baby when we did otherwise we may have left it too late if I waited to get married first. I’d probably still be waiting!

timeisnotaline · 12/07/2018 17:14

A gentle discussion is not going to cut it at this point . Honey, I’ve been thinking and chatting with friends and have realised something. Any man who said I want to marry you to a woman and 4 years later hadn’t done anything about it doesn’t really want to marry her. I’m really upset about it tbh why couldn’t you be honest with me? When were you going to tell me? After my eggs have all shrivelled up and died? That feels really cruel

You’ve had 4 years? You’ve seriously not had a good enough moment in 4 years? Then you’re too hard to please.

Joysmum · 12/07/2018 17:16

Have you realised everything you’ve said about this is all about his wants and being dismissive of yours!

Is this the case in all aspects of your relationship where he calls the shots and you remain passive and pander to him?

TiltedTowers · 12/07/2018 17:19

Dont mention the friends. This is about what OP needs. She doesnt need to add weight to her right to move forward "verified"

wagil · 12/07/2018 17:21

You need to get retested OP, that may focus your mind if you actually want children.

My lovely DD cannot have the baby she longed for, due to similar reasons.

Gruffalina72 · 12/07/2018 17:27

I just feel I have invested so much time, and it's clear that he DOES really love me and want to be with me at some point...

Sunk costs fallacy strikes again.

He knows you have fertility issues that mean if you didn't start trying to have children by the age of 27 you risked never having any.

He knew years ahead of time and agreed to make sure that happened.

He told you that was important to him too.

Instead he's spent 7 years stringing you along, is 2 years past that deadline and has continued to string you along, and worse still whenever you try to raise it he is so emotionally manipulative that he makes you apologise instead of actually engaging with the extremely reasonable point you are trying to have a mature discussion about.

I'm sorry, but those are not the actions of somebody who loves you. He's being manipulative and dishonest. And disrespectful.

What's more important to you? Being able to start a family of your own, or staying with someone who has happily spent years stringing you along, does not have enough respect for you to discuss any of your concerns, and is actively sabotaging your desire to have a family?

How are you going to feel if you stick around and never manage to have children because you keep telling yourself that you've invested too much time in him to bail now and/or that he loves you so you can't bail?

Seriously, this isn't the behaviour of someone who loves you. He's clearly very good at big shows of affection and telling you what you want to hear, but the things that really count - listening to you, respecting you, open communication, not manipulating you, honouring his promises to you, acting on all the talk - they're absent. He's not showing any signs of ever acting on all his talk. It's just empty words to keep you around.

He's never going to keep his promises, and I think you realise that, but have been so manipulated and feel so invested that you're scared to act on that realisation. But surely better that scary decision now than never having children?

Bail. Take control of your life.

TiltedTowers · 12/07/2018 17:31

Yy.
At this point, marriage or all over .
Be independent. Be proactive. Dont let him let any more time slip past.
Donor insemination is preferable to being strung along.

fridayrain · 12/07/2018 17:41

He knows about your fertility issues. He agrees he wants to be engaged/married before having children and yet it's 2years past the deadline the doctor gave you and still Nothing. What does he say about your fertility now??

I would totally resent him at this stage. Do you want to get engaged to someone you've had to coerce into?

ohh · 12/07/2018 17:43

I've been there almost. We were engaged. We had already 1 child together (planned) so the proposal on his part was a surprise.

No mention of marriage yet lots of discussions. Gave ultimatation. Weddding booked next day. Happily married for 6 years.

Just thought it would be a horrible huge event. It wasn't.

Some men just need a push I think. If still says no then its a go I'm afraid.

Original poster
CityTeacher · 12/07/2018 17:45

O.K, so, since reading all of your response I have written out a kind of "timeline" of our relationship. I have colour coded it with every time I have given him an ultimatum (and then caved), every time he has set HIS OWN END DATE and then missed it, and also in general just big events or opportunities he had to propose.
He'll be home from work in the next hour or so - I'm going to give it to him.

Not really sure what my end goal is though, I think I just need to actually confront him with it. I think he has been a bit controlling in terms of how things have panned out, and what routes we've taken, and that if for nothing else, I need to actually just make sure he understands that it isn't ok? I feel like I've been robbed of something whichever way it goes. Either I've spent all this time with him for nothing, or we move on and I have to accept that he dangled me about for so long. Sigh sigh sigh...

OP posts:
AtreidesFreeWoman · 12/07/2018 17:52

Princess Beatrice.......

10 years with Dave, she gives him an ultimatum and he bails. 18 months later he's proposed to someone else.

Frankly it's a common theme.

I've seen friends in long term relationships that end up coming to nothing - only for the man to marry shortly after.

I think some men know they don't want to commit but struggle to leave a "comfy" relationship.

I'm not sure what to advise.

Tbh it feels like he's blown it. Even if he got down on one knee tonight it's based on your "chart" rather than his "heart".

wagil · 12/07/2018 17:52

Good luck OP.

ohfourfoxache · 12/07/2018 17:55

Ah crap Sad

He sounds very cruel and selfish. As pp’s have said, everything is about what HE wants

TurnipCake · 12/07/2018 17:57

I think his reaction will tell you everything

A friend did something similar, her partner went spare and he ranted that he was going to propose and she had just ruined it. They went on one last holiday, no proposal and she ended it.

My ex who didn't propose after 4 years told me he would have done it at x date at y location had I not dumped his sorry arse. Yeah right.

8 years later after living my best single life I married the most wonderful man and there was never any effort or doubt that we would get married

Neptunesgiraffe · 12/07/2018 17:59

I'm sorry this is happening. I imagine the time line is a bit of and eye-opener for you, and hopefully for him.
I don't have any relationship advice I'm afraid, but because of your fertility issue, I would see about having some eggs frozen ASAP.

fridayrain · 12/07/2018 18:01

Thats a good idea with writing it out. However, if he tries to say he wants it to be special blah blah blah then you need to say that unfortunately he has now ruined the whole special engagement scenario & the times past for dicking about any longer. Your optimal time has past fertility wise and you're not prepared to carry on wondering. I would actually tell him ur having second thoughts on getting engaged at this stage now. Maybe he needs to be concerned at whether You want to marry Him, nevermind the other way about.

Good luck for when he comes home.

FoxAndBear · 12/07/2018 18:02

I would sit down and tell him properly how you feel. Maybe don't have a regular engagement, just decide you're getting married and go from there. If he's not up for that, he's stringing you along.

MikeUniformMike · 12/07/2018 18:04

He loves you OP but he doesn't love you enough to marry you. The Princess Beatrice story. Seen it many a time.
Move on if you want kids.

Shortstuff08 · 12/07/2018 18:04

Engagement is when you officially say ‘I know for sure I want to marry you and set plans to do so in motion. Will you marry me?’ ‘Yes!’ Or ‘no’.

Lots of people get engaged, and don't set plans. They have agreed to get married.

FinallyHere · 12/07/2018 18:04

Not really sure what my end goal is though, I think I just need to actually confront him with it.

Are you really sure that 'confronting him' is your end goal? If so, then fair enough, by all means give him your colour coded diagram. I love a diagram, especially to get things clear, but I am sorry to have to say this, but he already knows, he has lived through it, as each deadline, set by one or the other of you, whooshes by while you have caved.

In your shoes, I would be saying put up or shut up. I would set a deadline for being married and then, starting children.

I would add this (in a new colour) to the diagram, i would talk him through it... and then i would stick to it. My deadline would be days, or even hours rather than weeks. The key is to stick to it, more in sorrow than in anger. It really is up to him, and up to you on how you respond. If you let him get away with it, then fair enough but I very much hope you decide to set a timeline and stick to it.

All the very best,

AtreidesFreeWoman · 12/07/2018 18:09

Whatever happens he's buggered up the special proposal, so you need to tell him to shit or get off the pot.

Tonight.

You agree to get engaged and go ring shopping this weekend or that's it.

LyndseyKola · 12/07/2018 18:11

Lots of people get engaged, and don't set plans. They have agreed to get married.

Well, OP has neither. They are neither engaged without plans, nor are they planning without a formal proposal :P

I’m not usually a game player but I like PP who said maybe you can approach the whole thing with sorrow as if you’re not even sure you want to marry him anymore. Maybe change the dynamic a bit. He’s had four lovely years of knowing all he has to do is ask and you’ll say yes and an engagement will ensue, while you’ve been on tenterhooks. You’ve given him all the power.

Toodamnhot · 12/07/2018 18:11

There have been many threads like this over the years. There was one where he took her ring shopping 25 times until he finally admitted he didn’t want to get married at all.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 12/07/2018 18:13

Oh and as Finally put it, that includes a wedding date - not at some time in the future but in 3 months.

You both start planning it tonight.

After that you expect you both start TTC.

He falls at any of these hurdles then cut your losses and move on.

He's the master of procrastination so nail the details now or tell him you're done - and mean it.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 12/07/2018 18:34

To those saying they are engaged- If one of you isn't sure whether you're engaged or not, you are not. There doesn't have to be a proposal, but there needs some sort of consensus and agreement.