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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How am I going to tell people the wedding is off? :(

91 replies

sadsadsadsadsad · 10/07/2018 20:48

I am so sad Sad

I've been engaged for a while. We chose the ring together and I suppose I should have picked up he wasn't into it from the start. He never wanted to talk about planning, and whenever the topic of a wedding came up he would moan about not wanting to spend any money.

We booked a cheap registry office ceremony and didn't plan on doing anything else after, he said he didn't want to spend money on it. The other day I went to another wedding and it made me realise I want to have some sort of get together with my family.

I found a cheapish reception which could do food and disco for £2000. I told my partner and he said I would have to pay for it. I agreed and started getting excited, looking at various things online.

Today I was looking at wedding dresses and he came and said "You would look a f'ing state. You would have to get down the gym if you want to wear that." and then started saying I shouldn't waste money on a dress.

This has really upset me and made me see he doesn't actually want to get married at all. He's become much meaner to me in the last year and I've realised after that comment this was a bad decision Sad

I told him maybe we should cancel and he said "I don't care, I didn't want to do it anyway."

I want to marry someone who loves me enough to want to marry me. It's not about the money or a party, but he doesn't want to do it at all. I now face the prospect of cancelling the registry office, and worse, having to tell my family it isn't happening. How am I going to do it without looking a complete fool?

I feel so sad as getting engaged/married should be a happy time for me but this has been so awful Sad

OP posts:
Cleo2628 · 10/07/2018 20:51

I am so so sorry :( but so much better to realise this now than to have to go through a divorce!
You don’t want to spend your life with someone like that. You’ll be upset and miserable for years. Leave him now, everyone will understand and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone that you don’t want to Flowers

Mayhemmumma · 10/07/2018 20:52

You'll regret marrying him far more than the agony of cancelling it all. He sounds awful and those closest to you probably think he is too.
Honestly, hold you head high and tell them you've nothing to be ashamed about.

Chippyway · 10/07/2018 20:53

I’m so sorry Sad

I think you’ll look back and realise that cancelling the wedding was the best thing you’ve ever done because he sounds like a horrible man and you are FAR better off without him

tribpot · 10/07/2018 20:55

It sounds as if you're planning to stay with him, just cancel the wedding. You aren't planning that, are you? He sounds awful.

Jb291 · 10/07/2018 20:55

He sounds utterly vile OP. Much better to get rid of him now than end up married to him and miserable and abused by him.

Rebecca36 · 10/07/2018 20:57

I feel so sad for you. My son was engaged and due to be married this time last year but it was cancelled at last minute. He composed an email which he sent to everyone who was invited. People were nice about it.

dirtybadger · 10/07/2018 20:57

Bloody hell, his comment!!

Your family will be glad you are rid of him hearing that, if they are nice people. Spend some money on some nice days with your and family and friends instead (food, drinks, spa if youre into that, etc). Fuck this guy. Seriously. I am full of rage for you, thats no way to speak to someone you dont even like let alone someone who is supposed to be your partner!

ParkheadParadise · 10/07/2018 20:58

sadsadsadsadsad
Sounds like you've had a lucky escape.
I'm sure everyone will understand.

BackforGood · 10/07/2018 21:00

Hav to agree with everyone else.
It is a difficult thing to have to do, but MUCH easier than going through with it and then getting divorced.
You will look back and know you have done the right thing in getting shot of him. You need to love yourself, and understand that someone who loves you doesn't speak to you like that. You will be far better without him, and, one day will meet someone really nice who actually does love you.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 10/07/2018 21:11

You won't look a fool. You're doing the right thing.

ConstantStruggler · 10/07/2018 21:15

I want to marry someone who loves me enough to want to marry me. It's not about the money or a party, but he doesn't want to do it at all.
Then don't. This should be the time when you plan your future together. It doesn't sound like he is. He should think you're the bees knees even if you wear pink flipflops and an unflattering pair of PJs.
Cancel the wedding. Cancel the registry office and the venue. And cancel the relationship.
Then have a party for you. Invite those that matter to you. Do a BYO picnic in the park while the weather is nice. Doesn't need to cost much.

Chapterandverse · 10/07/2018 21:16

Op I hope you don't meant just cancelling the register office? You do mean finishing the relationship don't you?

hiddenmnetter · 10/07/2018 21:25

I’d bet your family know what he’s like and will be relieved.

KinkyAfro · 10/07/2018 21:30

Cancel and leave him, he sounds awful

TurnipCake · 10/07/2018 21:33

Your family will support you and probably breathe a collective sigh of relief

This isn't the person you want to spend another minute with, let alone the rest of your life

Tentomidnight · 10/07/2018 21:38

My heart is breaking for you OP Flowers
Your title implies that you have made the decision to call off the wedding, but need to know what to say to others. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but if you tell people that his verbal abuse killed your relationship, they will understand.

Lana1234 · 10/07/2018 21:40

Cancel and leave him. It’ll probably be the best thing you’ll ever do and when you do eventually marry someone who wants to marry you just as much as you do them you’ll be so glad you did.

calzone · 10/07/2018 21:40

Dump him please.

He sounds hideous.

HoneyBloom · 10/07/2018 21:40

Run while you can! Confused

Flyingpompom · 10/07/2018 21:41

Get rid of him. No-one will mind.

I've cancelled a wedding, it hurt like hell at the time but honestly, it was the best thing I ever did. Within a year I had met a wonderful man. One who loved me for who I am, did not try to control me and, most of all, was great fun to be around. 15 years on, he still is! We had a great wedding, nothing like what I'd originally planned, but perfect.

You don't know what's around the corner- you only get one life, don't waste it on a dickhead.

bobstersmum · 10/07/2018 21:42

What an absolute arse he is. Hold your head up high, expose him to your family for what he really is, a nasty bastard who doesn't deserve you. They will all be relieved. You deserve someone far far better op!

MissTulipan · 10/07/2018 21:42

That’s heart breaking to hear and not the way to start married life IMO. How mean and horrible of him to say that. That is not love and you definitely deserve better. Do you have a close friend or family member that could tell people on your behalf? Really sorry you are going through this, but well done for getting out now.

RabbitsAreTasty · 10/07/2018 21:42

They will all already know he's a dick. You dumping him will likely come as a relief to them.

What does this mean for your housing situation? Who moves and when?

nuttyknitter · 10/07/2018 21:42

You won't look like a fool, you'll look like a strong independent woman who knows her own worth. If you were my daughter I'd be proud of you.

Gigis · 10/07/2018 21:43

Oh my love, I am so sorry you feel so sad. But really you should be throwing a party - you have escaped what would have undoubtably been a deeply unhappy marriage and got rid of an uncaring, rude, dreadful man!
You won't look a fool at all - tell people as little or as much as you want. If in doubt a simple email to your family saying that you realised it wasn't working and it was better to call it quits now will do. As for cancelling the registery office: you won't be the first!
Chin up, it's a tough time but you have made the right call. Flowers

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