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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How am I going to tell people the wedding is off? :(

91 replies

sadsadsadsadsad · 10/07/2018 20:48

I am so sad Sad

I've been engaged for a while. We chose the ring together and I suppose I should have picked up he wasn't into it from the start. He never wanted to talk about planning, and whenever the topic of a wedding came up he would moan about not wanting to spend any money.

We booked a cheap registry office ceremony and didn't plan on doing anything else after, he said he didn't want to spend money on it. The other day I went to another wedding and it made me realise I want to have some sort of get together with my family.

I found a cheapish reception which could do food and disco for £2000. I told my partner and he said I would have to pay for it. I agreed and started getting excited, looking at various things online.

Today I was looking at wedding dresses and he came and said "You would look a f'ing state. You would have to get down the gym if you want to wear that." and then started saying I shouldn't waste money on a dress.

This has really upset me and made me see he doesn't actually want to get married at all. He's become much meaner to me in the last year and I've realised after that comment this was a bad decision Sad

I told him maybe we should cancel and he said "I don't care, I didn't want to do it anyway."

I want to marry someone who loves me enough to want to marry me. It's not about the money or a party, but he doesn't want to do it at all. I now face the prospect of cancelling the registry office, and worse, having to tell my family it isn't happening. How am I going to do it without looking a complete fool?

I feel so sad as getting engaged/married should be a happy time for me but this has been so awful Sad

OP posts:
PeanuttyButter · 10/07/2018 21:44

Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet there. It will be easier to tell them the wedding if off and why rather than getting married and then having to go separate ways. Your family will want you to be happy

fluffiphlox · 10/07/2018 21:46

I suspect most of your guests are hoping that you will cancel as they probably think he’s as awful as he sounds. Don’t waste yourself on him.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/07/2018 21:46

That is good that you cancel the wedding, best thing you could do, now cancel him.

Charm23 · 10/07/2018 21:48

HE IS A DESPICABLE EXCUSE FOR A MAN.
You deserve better than him and you know it. GET RID. NOW!
Put yourself first. Make a plan and leave (or make him leave!)
You can deal with the cancellation later and although it is sad and disappointing, you will meet someone better than him (won't be hard!)

TwoGinScentedTears · 10/07/2018 21:53

Your family and friends love you, they'll understand and they'll be nice.

This man doesn't love you, and isn't nice.

No brainer. But in practical terms get your best friend/sister/mum/dad to get in touch with everyone to tell them so you don't have to. Make a plan for what would have been the wedding day. And know that the rest if your life is waiting for you!

bubbles108 · 10/07/2018 21:55

Gosh - YOU don't look a fool at all.

You look like a sensible woman who's decided to end a relationship before making a mistake which would ruin her life

Huge respect to you

FredSheeran · 10/07/2018 21:59

agree with all the others saying that as soon as you tell people 'it's off', they'll throw their arms around you and tell you they're SO relieved you've come to your senses. Then they'll hold you at arms' length and add, 'You do mean the whole relationship is off, not just the wedding, don't you? Please say you've ended it.'

Because he sounds a total knob. And he is stopping you from meeting someone who would marry you in your worst PMT day clothes and still think he's the luckiest bloke on this earth.

Be brave. You deserve more than this.

ElectricSeal · 10/07/2018 21:59

Well I'd be proud of you for realising that he is a shit and you deserve so much better.

It is better to be single than to stay with a bastard

As Two says, you tell one or two people and they contact people for you. You don't have to tell all of your guests yourself.

Read the sticky thread at the top of the relationships board called Right Listen up.

I had really low self esteem and s ended up in long term relationships with shit men. Finally at the age of 22 I met my now Dh. He treated me like a princess, I kept thinking it would stop at some stage, the honeymoon stage would wear off and it hasn't. We have been married almost 20 years. We still laugh our heads off everyday, he is sweet and kind to me as am I to him.

That is out there for you. But you have to be single to be open to finding it.

Jaxhog · 10/07/2018 22:00

It will hurt for a while, but you are really getting a lucky escape.

Don't worry what other people think. Although you may find they are secretly relieved for you. True friends will be supportive.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 10/07/2018 22:03

I'd be so damn proud of you.

Celticlassie · 10/07/2018 22:04

Leave him. No one who loves you would speak to you like that. Would you speak to someone you loved like that? Your family and friends will probably be delighted that you've dropped him. And he'll be amazed, because I'm sure he's convinced he's ground you down so far that you'll never leave him.

CrackerCrisp · 10/07/2018 22:05

Your friends and family will be glad you aren’t marrying the wrong man. You will not look a fool.

Ginkypig · 10/07/2018 22:06

Sorry but your post hasn't made it clear.

You are talking about ending the whole relationship (and not just the wedding) aren't you?

If not please at least consider it. you absolutely deserve better than a partner who could treat you so disgustingly the comments about you in your dress are massive red flags for example.

As for what you tell people, simply put you say you realised things weren't going to work out. Or tell the truth, he was starting to treat me like crap and I'm worth more than that!

bluetrampolines · 10/07/2018 22:06

I'm not So, so sorry for you.

Im delighted that you are now free to look for someone who is devoted to you and your relationship.

Im getting divorced. Telling people that wasn't easy either.

Dimael · 10/07/2018 22:06

I know it’s tough but cancelling this wedding is definitely the right decision to make. If you have more than a few months to go till the proposed wedding I would just email/text distant friends and relatives and call close family and friends to let them know there will be no wedding. You don’t have to go into details of why and who did what. Just tell them it’s not what either or you really wanted, it’s true after all!
Don’t feel ashamed - it’s better to end the wedding now than have to divorce in the future! That would be more expensive I inagine.
Stay strong - you are doing the right thing!

ThinkingCat · 10/07/2018 22:08

Sorry for your sadness and having to cancel, but the first thing you need for your wedding is a much nicer groom.

So forget about this one, and look for a much nicer one.

You sound like a nice sweet person and you deserve a nice sweet man.

Alicialflorrickshair · 10/07/2018 22:09

I've done it in not dissimilar circumstances.

It's much easier and not as embarrassing as you think.

Bit like ripping off a plaster, painful at first but needs to be done.

I'm much much happier now than I would have been going through with it. I look back now and thank my lucky stars that I didn't go through with it.

SamHeughansLeftEyebrow · 10/07/2018 22:10

Sounds like a lucky escape, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Just tell them all that it turns out he was an unreconstructed arsehole and that you are worth more than wasting your life with him.

Flowers
Leyani · 10/07/2018 22:11

Friends of mine cancelled her wedding and broke up with fiancé. Took her a while to grieve for the dream that didn't come true, but she's now with a lovely gentle and gorgeous looking chap who adores her. She's so glad she didn't get stuck in a loveless marriage

Send him on his way...

Doilooklikeatourist · 10/07/2018 22:12

Send a mass text or email to all people who know about the wedding along the lines of

Sad news , I’ve realised I don’t love Dick Head enough to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him
I’m very upset , and don’t want to talk about it at the moment
I’ll be in touch in real life soon

Sooner you do this , the better for you , you can grieve the relationship, recover and move on to find someone who will really appreciate and love you

diddl · 10/07/2018 22:16

Thank goodness you've found out now what an utter, utter bastard he is.

If you are doing the right thing for you having a lucky escape your family will be supportive.

They can't be so desperate for a wedding that they would want you to arry someone so awful.

Babynut1 · 10/07/2018 22:17

I’ve cancelled two weddings op. I received nothing but support.

The first I was just too young and realised I wasn’t ready to get married (I was 20) we later split. He’s lovely and we’re still friends 17 years in but he wasn’t for me. Everyone was just glad that I was doing what was right for me.

Second time I got dumped right in the middle of wedding planning. Had paid deposits on everything. The thought of phoning everywhere to cancel was humiliating but when I did it, no one asked questions and it was fine. The only people who caused me issues were the bridal shop. All my friends and family were of the opinion that it was better to have this happen before we got married rather than after. He was an immature man child who was still very much attached at the umbilical cord to his beloved mother.

It turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. I spent a few months shagging around and a few months later, a chance work encounter ended up with me marrying the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. We’ve been together 10 years this year, married for 6 and have 2 beautiful children.

Marrying this man isn’t right, cancel it and don’t look back.

katseyes7 · 10/07/2018 22:17

Bless you, get rid, if you haven't already. He's a dick and you deserve much better. Walk away with dignity and leave him to his sad, nasty little life. On his own. And as nuttyknitter said, if you were my daughter, l'd be bloody proud of you too. xxx

Apileofballyhoo · 10/07/2018 22:19

He's a nasty person. Flowers for you.

Pluckedpencil · 10/07/2018 22:20

Bloody hell. He sounds like a nasty piece of work, and I promise you true friends and family will have worked that out by now and be relieved you are splitting when you tell them. Do not stay with someone who can so casually put you down and hurt you like that. He is ugly ugly ugly inside.

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