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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How am I going to tell people the wedding is off? :(

91 replies

sadsadsadsadsad · 10/07/2018 20:48

I am so sad Sad

I've been engaged for a while. We chose the ring together and I suppose I should have picked up he wasn't into it from the start. He never wanted to talk about planning, and whenever the topic of a wedding came up he would moan about not wanting to spend any money.

We booked a cheap registry office ceremony and didn't plan on doing anything else after, he said he didn't want to spend money on it. The other day I went to another wedding and it made me realise I want to have some sort of get together with my family.

I found a cheapish reception which could do food and disco for £2000. I told my partner and he said I would have to pay for it. I agreed and started getting excited, looking at various things online.

Today I was looking at wedding dresses and he came and said "You would look a f'ing state. You would have to get down the gym if you want to wear that." and then started saying I shouldn't waste money on a dress.

This has really upset me and made me see he doesn't actually want to get married at all. He's become much meaner to me in the last year and I've realised after that comment this was a bad decision Sad

I told him maybe we should cancel and he said "I don't care, I didn't want to do it anyway."

I want to marry someone who loves me enough to want to marry me. It's not about the money or a party, but he doesn't want to do it at all. I now face the prospect of cancelling the registry office, and worse, having to tell my family it isn't happening. How am I going to do it without looking a complete fool?

I feel so sad as getting engaged/married should be a happy time for me but this has been so awful Sad

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 10/07/2018 22:21

I know someone who cancelled two weeks before the wedding.

No one thought they were a fool. Everyone, even their OH’s family thought it was better to be honest before the wedding.

They are happily married to someone else now.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/07/2018 22:22

Oh OP, one day you'll have a lovely time planning a wedding with a gorgeous man who really wants to marry you and this nasty piece will be a vague, slightly unpleasant memory.

eyestightshut · 10/07/2018 22:23

Can you afford the reception? If so, keep the date and use it to celebrate all the wonderful things in your life. Celebrate your family. Celebrate your friends. Celebrate YOU - how strong you have been to recognise he's ultimately not what you want or need and to get shot of him. You are sad now, but believe me, how you feel now would be nothing compared to how sad you would feel if you went ahead with this wedding. Well done Girl!!

Gruffalina72 · 10/07/2018 22:24

Leave him. No one who loves you would speak to you like that. Would you speak to someone you loved like that? Your family and friends will probably be delighted that you've dropped him. And he'll be amazed, because I'm sure he's convinced he's ground you down so far that you'll never leave him.

This. And then do the Freedom Programme so you never get entangled with another specimen like this one. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I don't see you as a fool, I see a smart woman who's listened to her instincts and made a brave decision instead of burying her head in the sand.

PrudenceDear · 10/07/2018 22:25

There’s no way anyone will think you’re a fool, they’ll be glad you’ve seen sense before it’s too late. Sounds like you could do with a party to celebrate your lucky escape, he sounds awful and you are definitely worth so much more

Ahardknocklife · 10/07/2018 22:26

I've just cancelled a my wedding. Well 2 months ago. Youre not going to look a fool. You'll be surprised the number of people who told me what a brave decision I'd made..You'll look a fool if you stay with a man who clearly has no respect for you!

QueenOfMyWorld · 10/07/2018 22:27

Keep the venue and date and have a "lucky escape" party

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 10/07/2018 22:28

It’s not clear from your op whether you’ve actually sent the invitations yet?

NordicNobody · 10/07/2018 22:29

I have a friend who married a man who speaks to and treats her like that. I hate him, her parents hate him, everybody hates him. I'm not even sure she likes him very much. Even on the morning of the wedding she was saying she thought she'd made a mistake. If she'd cancelled the wedding at any point every single person she knows would have breathed a deep sigh of relief. Hell, I'd have helped her leg it out the church when she was half way down the aisle if she'd given me the signal! I suspect you'll find out very fast that no one is sad to see you leave this tosser.

PolkaHots · 10/07/2018 22:30

Just prepare a stock phrase such as, ‘I’ve realised that we are looking for different things in life, so thought it best to call it a day.’ And leave it at that. The beauty of such phrases is that they mean everything and nothing, and apply to all sorts of issues.

spugzbunny · 10/07/2018 22:32

Oh my god! Leave him! Everyone deserves to marry someone who loves them and wants to be with them for the rest of their lives! Dump him and have a 'I've sacked that nob head off' party! I imagine everyone will be very happy for you by the sound of him!

seastargirl · 10/07/2018 22:33

The likelihood is that most people who love you will have an idea what he's like and be happy to hear you're ending things. Confide in someone who you can trust to deal with cancellations, I did it for a friend and was pleased to be able to help in such a practical way.

MimpiDreams · 10/07/2018 22:38

I think cancelling your wedding makes you look incredibly brave and strong.

I wish I'd had the courage to do it with my first marriage. I was weak so went through with a wedding I didn't want to a person I had realised I didn't even like. It took a further 2 years of hell and a horrible divorce to finally get away.

chocolateworshipper · 10/07/2018 22:40

I'm so sorry OP. I have a very strong feeling that when you tell people, their reaction is going to be "oh thank goodness for that." And I agree with the poster that said if you were their daughter, they'd be proud of you for making a difficult, but correct, decision.

Goodasgoldilox · 10/07/2018 22:41

From what you say it is more likely that you would look a fool to everyone if you did marry him.

Despite all your kisses, he is showing every sign of being a toad. You don't want to be married to a toad.

He wouldn't match your beautiful dress or fit into the lovely family party.

Leave him out in the cold -under some wet rock.

Fernweh · 10/07/2018 22:42

I'm in awe of your strength, you know that you cannot go through with this.

My poor long suffering dh loves me even though I've gained baby weight (my youngest is 12 🤦🏼‍♀️), knows that I'm cranky come a certain time of the month, he still gets butterflies (as do I) when we see each other. We've been together 27 years, married for 18. We've been though difficult pregnancies (early labours 27 weeks), have a SEN child who has epilepsy, DH has had cancer (and beat it) and we've had to deal with elderly parents becoming terminal and helping nurse them until the end. He has NEVER said a nasty word to me, he treats me like a Queen, even if I can be a nasty hormonal wreck around him

This child of a man doesn't deserve you.

Grab your life back and walk out with your head held high. He DOES NOT deserve you.

💐

Pollaidh · 10/07/2018 22:43

DH's friend cancelled his wedding abroad with just days to go, and that was a case of both people being nice but just not well enough suited. Even so, and with massive travel expenditure lost, people were supportive and preferred their friends to be happy.

If your finance is as big an arse as he sounds - cruel, demeans you etc - then I expect everyone will be delighted when you cancel. Think you've dodged a bullet there. You should not be treated like this by anyone, let alone the person who is supposed to love and cherish you. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Inch · 10/07/2018 22:45

You know what? The people who really know and love you will support you in your decision, because they will want the best outcome for you. So please, don’t ever feel that you will be seen as a fool if you cancel your wedding. Please believe you are worth loving, and I am so sorry you are going through this.

For what it’s worth, I think you are doing the right thing in not marrying this man. Hold up and keep going. Attagirl !

Cheddarsmedders · 10/07/2018 22:46

What a complete and utter dickhead. Kick him out!

Agree with rest of the PP - all your friends and family will probably be praising the day you’ve realised your own worth.

It will get easier and you’ll find someone who deserves you.

What a fuckwit

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/07/2018 22:46

Dump his ass. You’d look a fool if you stayed with him! Your family will be relieved he’s gone.

Tell them, “I realised he was treating me badly. I’m worth so much more.”

And hold your head up high.

MustShowDH · 10/07/2018 22:47

If I knew you and you cancelled, I'd think you were very brave and I'd be proud of you.

Don't marry a man that doesn't adore you, (or even like by the sound of it.) It's miserable.

NWQM · 10/07/2018 22:54

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'd say that all you need to say is that you've decided not to go ahead with the wedding. Keep it simple.

byanyothernamerose · 10/07/2018 22:54

I knew someone who cancelled a wedding because she realised she didn't want to marry him as he was controlling. All she got was my complete respect for her honesty to herself and courage to walk away. I know nobody who had a bad word to say. Some people might hear and have a gossip/bitch but you deserve to hold your head up high and ignore. Well done OP...onwards and upwards because you deserve much much better..Thanks

Melanippe · 10/07/2018 22:58

He sounds awful, I think you've dodged a bullet here.

There is a good chance that your friends and family will be happy to hear the news that you're ridding yourself of this man.

You will be sad for a season and then you'll be fine and one day, when you're settled and sorted you might want to find and marry someone who won't be vile to you. Someone who deserves someone as great as you in their life.

InfiniteVariety · 10/07/2018 22:58

You are not going to look like a complete fool - you are going to look like some who has the courage to recognise it would be a mistake and to take control of the situation. This decision will make you stronger and you will be filled with relief the moment you've acted on it because you know it is the right thing to do.