Advice needed. I can't marry him.

[Ivenocluewhatimdoing]

Myself an dp have been together 4 years. We tried a long time for our dd and then unexpected our contraception failed and I'm suddenly pregnant again with my boy. He's great, I wouldn't change him.

We live together. Finances are okay, kids are happy but I'm not.
So now I'm really struggling to even get along with him or even talk to him. We don't talk to each other. It's like we're roommates who sleep in the same bed. Today for example, we've probably only said two words to each other and that's it. He says it's a comfortable silence and he still loves me. I find it awkward.
In his free time, he likes to game, which is fine. But we haven't had time to ourselves in a long while and I feel so distant and I'm falling out of love with him.

I tried to tell him yesterday how I felt and he brushed me off with "no. We're fine. Everything is fine" but it's not.
My parents are giving us the gift of getting married as my dad is ill and not sure how long he has left. We were saving but they want to pay so he can at least be there. (else we'd be waiting 30 years) an the other day it suddenly hit me.
There's nothing in common.
We don't talk to one another.
We aren't even in the same room majority of the time we are together
An he prefers gaming to spending time with me. But that may be again, we live together. I try to make conversation but it just doesn't work anymore. I told him recently I don't feel like her my dp anymore an there's nothing for us in common and we don't want the same things anymore but again, I get "we work. That's it."

It's just getting so difficult. I've come down so ill tonight and I feel so neglected. I wanted him to come to bed and or help me with the kids if they wake up. (I can't sit up, I keep fainting etc) an he told me he wanted to game instead. (which he has been nearly every night til 2am) I was awake when he came to bed just and he looked at me, rolled over and went to sleep.

Please talk me through this. I can't see myself loving him to the point I want to be married anymore. I can't even see this being long term. He just brushes me off whenever I try to talk about us.

Hey. I'm half asleep so forgive me if this doesn't make sense but I'm going to say to you what I wish someone had said to me.

You don't have to marry him

Being married to someone who doesn't listen to you will break you

Give yourself permission to say no. To do the things that you need to do to help preserve your sense of self

Trust yourself. Don't marry him when everything is internally screaming and telling you not to do it.

Don't marry someone who treats you like this

Just don't do it.
Who are you doing it for, your parents?
Explain to them how you feel, you might be surprised at their reaction of relief.
That sounds like a lonely life op. Why would you spend your DPS savings to sign up to it?
As for DP, he needs to be a team player or go away. I would be telling him but tell your DPS first. They deserve that.
Do you work?

It's just so difficult. It's my children. I don't want to split our family up but I don't think marriage is right long term for us. I'd love to get married. But not to him. Yesterday we were meant to have a night together when the kids were asleep. He chose to game with his friends :( I feel so pushed aside

I'm going back into education but I'm currently on mat leave.

This is more of a bump than helpful advice, but here it goes:
Tell your parents how you feel. I doubt your DF would be happy to see you marrying because of him. If you were my DD, I would gladly use the wedding money to help you get established after separating.

I don't particularly agree with keeping together for the children. How much time does he spend with his children, anyway? Like you said, you are more housemates than a couple.

It just seems like the thing to do. We have a family together etc, you know what I mean? This big happy family I committed to.
Just I'm not happy anymore. I don't think I want him to move out and I don't want anyone else. I don't exactly want him either. I just want to know where I stand.

Loads of time with the kids. He's a really good dad, ill give him that. But they go to bed at 7 :(

I know. They've given us a budget of 5k. I'm so fortunate. I'm studying to work for myself to make it on my own if needs be. My babies can have a good life with love and won't be short of anything. It could help me with that. I dont want their money but they're just pushing for a wedding :(

He's not a good dad. He's a rubbish partner.
Your DC's are his as well? Whose property is it?

He gives them the time, just not me. Yeah both his. I was more than happy to settle down but now I'm not sure what to do. Both of ours :(

It is a bloody long and lonely life, getting married for your kids/family tbh

I already feel so lonely.
I went to see my friend today, I haven't seen her in a long time and for the first time in so long, I felt alive. She wanted to listen, she wanted to have adult conversation. I don't see her much cause she's away with work a lot but it's making me realise more so that my life apart from my babies is pretty.. Shit.

Where there's doubt leave it out.
Do you still love him? Fancy him?
How do you think things are going to improve op because it's unlikely.
If you do still have feelings for him then tell him the wedding is off for now until you see commitment.
How the hell are you going to study? It won't work.

I was married for 15 years to a man I did not love and I wish so much I hadn't stuck it out for the "family" and what they think.

You have to live with yourself and the pain of it and I will guarantee you right now, it is not with it

Well, I'm usually a big supporter, for legal and financial reasons, of women getting married, particularly those who have or who intend to have children.

However, your man needs a kick up the arse. Essentially, he's living a kind of teenage lifestyle. Nice home, mum (you) there to arrange everything, kids in the background. But he's not actually engaging with the family, is he? Gaming until 2am most nights? Is he 17? He shouldn't be 'helping' with the kids - they're his kids. His responsibility as much as they are yours. Does he do his fair share of housework? Or does he 'help out occasionally' there too?

Of course he thinks everything is fine! He's got a very nice life. You need to break through his little bubble, because he currently thinks that if he can go on denying there's a problem, he'll be able to keep doing what he's doing. Tell him the wedding is off. You're prepared to let him stay for a while, to see if this is salvageable. However, big changes in his life are going to have to happen. Starting with cold turkey on the gaming. He starts talking to you. You go places and do things together. He co-parents, and does his share around the house. Basically, he either proves he can act like an adult man, or he buggers off back to his mum's. That's it. You will revisit the wedding question in a year, when you've seen if there's any hope here or not.

So what do you say when he shuts you down?

How about saying with all due respect, I am communicating my reality to you and you are shutting me down. I have listened to your reality, now listen to mine. Then list concretely the changes you want. Be specific and factual.

Be prepared to keep reinforcing the message with actions and repeated reminders. Think of it as training him to consider your needs.

He is the father of your kids, he doesn't hit you or have an alcohol problem. The relationship is worth fighting for. You do that by training him to behave differently.

"He is the father of your kids, he doesn't hit you or have an alcohol problem. The relationship is worth fighting for. You do that by training him to behave differently."

With respect, this is bollocks. If he won't even acknowledge how you feel on a simple, fundamental basis...?

It's not your job to fix him. It's not your job to train him or change him.

You need to talk to him about this. And you need to lay out your expectations of change very clearly. If he was supposed to be spending a night with you and chose to game instead that is very rude.
I would be telling him you need at least one "date" night a week and he needs to stand to it and not choose last minute to do something else.
It sounds a lot like he is taking you for granted.
Is he helping you out with household chores and cooking, or leaving all of that to you also?
If he isn't you need to lay out your expectations around this as well.
I would be absolutely appalled if my partner treated me this way, and if I was ill to the point of fainting he most definitely would be looking after both me and his child.
Unfortunately he might not see there are any actual issues and without communicating them to him then he has no chance of making it better.
(Also as a last resort you could always just turn the wi-fi off or change the password and then he would have to at least talk to you to ask what it is.. although this could cause more issues :p )

I keep chipping and chipping and chipping. He does help with house work. He cooks, he cleans and 9/10 he looks after me like I do him. I think it's tonight that's thrown me off because its more so I've noticed it being a problem this past month. But why didn't he give a shit tonight when I was shivering with a high temp and hallucinating? Why didn't he care? I feel like he's kidding himself. Either that or like pps say, he's in a bubble. A happy one. Family life bliss etc. But he won't admit there's problems and won't accept it. He sees this as normal when couples have children.
Please tell me this isn't normal? I love my children. So so much. I'd die for them. But I'm just mom at the moment. There's no excitement in my life. No thrill anymore. No love anymore, nothing. No life other than mom.
No, he doesn't hit me, he's always been very respectful of me. Been with me and stuck with me through so so much in short 4 years. Through a loved ones suicide, supporting me with jobs. Supporting me financially, being there 24/7 through both pregnancies. He's not a bad guy. But just the past month. I'm getting nothing from him. But he says he's comfortable.

Someone please tell me this is what happens once you have children? Things just get dull and you don't talk to one another? This isn't normal is it?

I'd start by disconnecting the sodding games console!

Salvageable - but only if he will listen.

What exactly have you said to him? I would be very clear using small words:

Stop ignoring me
I'm seriously considering leaving you unless you change
This is what I expect of you

And then tell him clearly what you want - good for you to think about and be clear on this too.

But if he won't listen and keeps being dismissive, I'd leave. His not having addiction or violence issues is a really low bar to assess things on.

What's he playing? Is there something on these past few weeks that you don't know about, or is 'significant' in a way you don't understand? My kids game, and I know it's this entire other world where... shit goes on. I don't know. But it's terribly exciting at certain points, because... something or other.

From what you're saying, he sounds quite a decent bloke. This seems to be more about you feeling unfulfilled, and having lost your identity in motherhood, than that he's a fuckwit? Motherhood is rarely exciting, you're right, but you need to look at working on yourself, maybe, rather than blaming him for being bored and lacking any outside identity?

Yesterday for example "I feel like we are just roommates and I hate it. I don't think this will last much longer. We don't talk to eachother"
Him "well. We're fine. It's comfortable. This is what happens when people have children"

We did go on a date night a few weeks ago for our anniversary. I had no clue what to say to him. We were alone for the first time since having dd and I wanted to go home to be with my dcs. Not there with him. The food was decent though. Only thing worth going for.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but maybe he feels the same way, it's just that he's accepting it as a part of the marriage/kids package he's signed up for? Like what do you talk to him about, is it mainly the kids? Is he finding you a bit boring, which is why he's gaming? What was different when you went to see your friend? What did you talk to her about, and what did she talk to you about?

Yep. Mainly the kids. The occasional sex talk but that's it really. No deep conversations etc. Nothing. Always gamed but always made time for me. Now I don't get a look in. She just spoke to me. Adult talk, we had a laugh together. It was nice