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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed. I can't marry him.

101 replies

Ivenocluewhatimdoing · 10/07/2018 01:56

Myself an dp have been together 4 years. We tried a long time for our dd and then unexpected our contraception failed and I'm suddenly pregnant again with my boy. He's great, I wouldn't change him.

We live together. Finances are okay, kids are happy but I'm not.
So now I'm really struggling to even get along with him or even talk to him. We don't talk to each other. It's like we're roommates who sleep in the same bed. Today for example, we've probably only said two words to each other and that's it. He says it's a comfortable silence and he still loves me. I find it awkward.
In his free time, he likes to game, which is fine. But we haven't had time to ourselves in a long while and I feel so distant and I'm falling out of love with him.

I tried to tell him yesterday how I felt and he brushed me off with "no. We're fine. Everything is fine" but it's not.
My parents are giving us the gift of getting married as my dad is ill and not sure how long he has left. We were saving but they want to pay so he can at least be there. (else we'd be waiting 30 years) an the other day it suddenly hit me.
There's nothing in common.
We don't talk to one another.
We aren't even in the same room majority of the time we are together
An he prefers gaming to spending time with me. But that may be again, we live together. I try to make conversation but it just doesn't work anymore. I told him recently I don't feel like her my dp anymore an there's nothing for us in common and we don't want the same things anymore but again, I get "we work. That's it."

It's just getting so difficult. I've come down so ill tonight and I feel so neglected. I wanted him to come to bed and or help me with the kids if they wake up. (I can't sit up, I keep fainting etc) an he told me he wanted to game instead. (which he has been nearly every night til 2am) I was awake when he came to bed just and he looked at me, rolled over and went to sleep.

Please talk me through this. I can't see myself loving him to the point I want to be married anymore. I can't even see this being long term. He just brushes me off whenever I try to talk about us.

OP posts:
Souledout · 10/07/2018 07:45

Tell your parents there will be no wedding.

Tell his family nothing.

Tell your friend everything.

Tell your parents you need their help to start a fresh.

I think he is a cocklodger & I wonder if he engages in online chat until 02.00 a.m with the same person? Possibly female.

Aus84 · 10/07/2018 07:47

Don't worry about them or anyone else just yet.

I think the best way to deal with it is to not give any reasons that could be fixed or turn blame back to you. Eg. we never talk anymore, you game too much, we have nothing in common. He'll have something to say back to all of that.

You don't love him. Simple. You care about him, you've been through a lot together, but this impending marriage has made you realise that he is not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Original poster
Ivenocluewhatimdoing · 10/07/2018 07:49

What female?

OP posts:
Aus84 · 10/07/2018 07:49

And for what is worth OP, I think you are incredibly brave to not go ahead with this wedding when so many people are pushing for it. It'll take time, but one day you'll look back and realise how lucky you are.

Original poster
Ivenocluewhatimdoing · 10/07/2018 07:51

I think so too. It was perfect when we got engaged. Expecting dd. I was so happy. But it went downhill very quickly.
I'm so thankful for my two babies. They're everything to me and I'm trying to hard to better myself for them, so try can have a good life, I can leave something to them and help them out in future if needs be. It's not all about that, but I just want them to have that security too. Once I leave his life will fall apart. But I can't stay because of that. They need stability.

OP posts:
LuvMyBubbles · 10/07/2018 07:51

Ok OP if you want to leave you need to have a plan.
First thing where do you want to live? Will you need to move?
Do you own or rent?

Get this sorted before you tell him. You’ve tried talking and he just brushed you off, can you ask him to leave?
His family beg for you not to leave him so they must know something?

NameChange30 · 10/07/2018 07:55

Oh OP, this is absolutely the right decision. I agree with everything that DownTownAbbey said.

Tell your friend. Your comment about your friend was so sad but it’s also a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. How your life will feel after you leave him.

“I went to see my friend today, I haven't seen her in a long time and for the first time in so long, I felt alive. She wanted to listen, she wanted to have adult conversation.”

Aus84 · 10/07/2018 07:56

His family beg for you not to leave him so they must know something?

Yes, they know he is useless without her and he has messed up a good thing.

His life might fall apart for a little while, but he has family support too by the sounds of it.

Original poster
Ivenocluewhatimdoing · 10/07/2018 07:59

Ah, that's what I think. They must know something. It's been since day 1.
I also think there's a reason his ex girlfriend chose to cheat on him too. At the time apparently he was suffering from a bad bout of depression. I know how it feels so I sympathised with him here. Apparently all she did was cause arguments but then he says he got back from working 60 hours a week and wanted to have a bath and unwind on a game. No wonder she was pissed off. I would be too. Well, I am, aren't I?
Its looking like the house will have to be sold and I'll go on the council with my children. They're staying with me. I came home from seeing my mother yesterday an he told me from the time dd got up til 1pm he just gave her biscuits. I was livid.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 10/07/2018 08:06

For God's sake don't marry him it will be a disaster.

I married my first husband because I thought I ought to, I didn't love him or even like him and the resulting divorce was very traumatic for our children.

DON'T DO IT - not to please anyone. It's pretty easy to escape now but it certainly won't be if you are married.

lifeisabeachsometimes · 10/07/2018 08:10

You have one life that is it. You can not waste it married to someone you are barely friends with.

Tell your dad the truth, tell them how deeply unhappy you are. The money would be better spent on setting you up in a home of your own.

You have tried to tell your dp over and over again how unhappy you are, and guess what absolutely nothing has changed, he doesn't even listen to you. Your answer is there.
If he truly loved you he would chuck the console in the bin and take you out dancing/dinner etc or at the very least make some sweeping changes to keep you. He hasn't because he doesn't care very much.

He is like a man child playing games all of the time, and you are expected to be mother to all. Ask him to leave and start a life with a real man.

Ellie56 · 10/07/2018 08:10

"This big happy family I committed to."

You're not a big happy family though are you? You're not happy. If DP is spending so much time gaming he is not spending time with you. We've had 3 children, two with SEN (all grown up now) but we've never stopped talking and laughing together.

Sit your DP down and tell him very firmly that while he may be fine and comfortable, you are not. Tell him as things are, you don't want to marry him, and if things continue as they are, you will be leaving.

And tell your parents to stop pushing about the wedding as you are not happy with DP at the moment, and before any wedding goes ahead (if at all) you need to see if you can salvage your relationship.

I think I'd sabotage the games console.

Pictureiswonky · 10/07/2018 08:23

You are both clearly unhappy and he's using the games console as his way to escape the reality. One of you is going to have to take the difficult decision and it sounds like you are the stronger person.

Just split up and move on before you get too bitter to think straight

NameChange30 · 10/07/2018 08:42

It’s not just about the constant gaming (which is bad enough). It’s the fact that he didn’t / doesn’t care when you’re ill, and he was so nasty to you when he had toothache and you were helping him.

I suspect the examples you’ve given us are not the only examples of his inconsiderate, unpleasant behaviour.

Original poster
Ivenocluewhatimdoing · 10/07/2018 09:01

Definitely not. There's been worse. This is why I ask what to say.
He just flies off the handle and makes me think I'm in the wrong all the time.
God forbid someone says he can't do something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenocluewhatimdoing · 10/07/2018 09:03

He will be out of his misery soon thanks to me booking him in and repeatedly calling 111 throughout the night.
He's got a shock when he comes home.

OP posts:
anappleadaykeeps · 10/07/2018 09:06

How bad were the other things?

NameChange30 · 10/07/2018 09:07

“He just flies off the handle and makes me think I'm in the wrong all the time.”

Sounds worryingly like emotional abuse Sad

I’m so glad you’ve decided that you’ve had enough

Be careful though

LyndseyKola · 10/07/2018 09:29

Good luck extricating yourself OP 👍🏻

Blobby10 · 10/07/2018 09:32

I could have written your post 3 years ago - but my (now ex) Dh and I had been married for 20 years! He too couldn't see a problem 10 years ago when I did and over the course of time I got tired of always being the one to plan time together, holidays, making the effort to talk etc.

Please please please dont marry this man - you may love him, he may be the father of your babies but you will be miserable. You are worth more than that.

Blobby10 · 10/07/2018 09:32

Sorry - hadn't RTFT when I posted and obv missed an important update. Good luck OP x

FaithEverPresent · 10/07/2018 09:54

IME, having a sick parent makes you re-evaluate your life. It makes you rethink your priorities because you realise life is short and it’s definitely not good to spend your life with someone who makes you miserable.

It sounds like your partner is unsupportive at best. You move heaven and earth to help him when he’s ill but when you’re ill he doesn’t even ask you how you’re feeling?
He just flies off the handle and makes me think I'm in the wrong all the time. That is a worrying statement.

I don’t blame you for wanting to break up. In your position, I would go to the CBA to see what I was entitled to as a single parent, get myself organised. Explain to your parents that he’s not supporting you and you are miserable. Then prepare to talk to him. He will inevitably say ‘We’re fine’ so you need to say ‘I am not fine. I am unhappy’ until he actually hears you. It’s questionable if he can change (or if you even think that’s enough at this point). Definitely don’t marry him for everyone else’s sake though.

bastardkitty · 10/07/2018 10:11

He's selfish, he's addicted to gaming and he's not a great Dad at all. Posters really shouldn't confuse your relationship with one where a couple has just lost their sparkle and need to work on things. It's awful to tell your partner how unhappy you are and be ignored. It doesn't matter whether the addiction is gaming, porn, alcohol or weed. If the primary relationship is with an addiction, the couple relationship suffers. Please respect yourself and no not get married to please other people. This is your one life and you do not need to live it like this.

Ooogetyooo · 10/07/2018 11:20

Don't marry . Leave him .

dirtybadger · 10/07/2018 11:33

If youve only been together 4 years, and have 2 Dc, plus had to try for a while before 1st DC, then things must have moved pretty fast. Perhaps you are just discovering that you actually arent so compatible. Unfortunately thats not likely to change. It sounds like you are staying through guilt rather than desire. Let go of that guilt. If your DC can have happy parents, together or seperated, they will be better off long term than with you together and a frosty atmosphere. Also, theyre young, so will adapt quickly.