Advice needed. I can't marry him.

[Ivenocluewhatimdoing]

Myself an dp have been together 4 years. We tried a long time for our dd and then unexpected our contraception failed and I'm suddenly pregnant again with my boy. He's great, I wouldn't change him.

We live together. Finances are okay, kids are happy but I'm not.
So now I'm really struggling to even get along with him or even talk to him. We don't talk to each other. It's like we're roommates who sleep in the same bed. Today for example, we've probably only said two words to each other and that's it. He says it's a comfortable silence and he still loves me. I find it awkward.
In his free time, he likes to game, which is fine. But we haven't had time to ourselves in a long while and I feel so distant and I'm falling out of love with him.

I tried to tell him yesterday how I felt and he brushed me off with "no. We're fine. Everything is fine" but it's not.
My parents are giving us the gift of getting married as my dad is ill and not sure how long he has left. We were saving but they want to pay so he can at least be there. (else we'd be waiting 30 years) an the other day it suddenly hit me.
There's nothing in common.
We don't talk to one another.
We aren't even in the same room majority of the time we are together
An he prefers gaming to spending time with me. But that may be again, we live together. I try to make conversation but it just doesn't work anymore. I told him recently I don't feel like her my dp anymore an there's nothing for us in common and we don't want the same things anymore but again, I get "we work. That's it."

It's just getting so difficult. I've come down so ill tonight and I feel so neglected. I wanted him to come to bed and or help me with the kids if they wake up. (I can't sit up, I keep fainting etc) an he told me he wanted to game instead. (which he has been nearly every night til 2am) I was awake when he came to bed just and he looked at me, rolled over and went to sleep.

Please talk me through this. I can't see myself loving him to the point I want to be married anymore. I can't even see this being long term. He just brushes me off whenever I try to talk about us.

Rememeber what marriage is fundamentally about.
Love.
If there isnt love, an inherent fondness, scrappy pointless arguments, making up, laughter, shoulders to cry on, ears to vent to, disagreeing over what colour to paint the landing, agreeing on what to have for dinner, asking if your bum looks good in this or if your tie is straight and just putting the kettle on for someone other than yourself, then that isnt a marriage. Its the small things. If you notice, all of the above REQUIRE communication. Even the most mundane kind.

Personally, id cut my losses and leave.
And if he thinks theres nothing wrong, then it shows how he views his relationship with you. He doesnt need to talk to you or spend time with you. You're just another peice of furniture.

Please do not waste your parents' money by marrying this man.

It'll just keep going downhill.

You need some time apart to clear your head. Please talk to your family about how unhappy you are in this relationship.

Sorry to be be blunt but you would be an absolute idiot to marry this guy, you know you don't want to so don't bloody do it. If you do and your life ends up miserable, it won't be his fault it will be your own

Start thinking about the practicalities

Who will live where
Will it be 50:50 parenting
What maintenance will be paid
Who will you tell first
When do you want to separate

Seems he is giving you the silent treatment a tactic to get you to jump through hoops, the reason why he seems to get on with kids is to make you feel unloved and bad.. Research Narcissistic abuse and go from there..

I’m sorry to read how badly he has treated you. He has toothache, which I’m sure is horrible. You have a diagnosed medical condition. I know it’s hard for our other half’s to see that pain - unless you get swelling - but to treat you as he has is appalling. You know you need to get away from him for you and your children. They should not be brought up in the belief that this is how a man treats a woman.

Fgs he gave your dd biscuits! How did it go yesterday?

Oh dear OP, this might happen sooner rather than later.. it’s hit the news.

Don’t want to armchair diagnose.... but have you considered he could have a disorder like aspergers?

There has been a thread on here about the partners of people with ASD and how hard it is for them. The signs include:
Limited and obsessive interests
Difficulty seeing things from others point of view
Difficulty with self care
Always being ‘right’ and having to have things their own way.

It’s not normal as a father of two to spend 7 hours gaming a night, when your partner is ill. The long silences and not talking about anything aren’t normal either.

BUT happiness does come from within. It sounds like you are on the younger side - before you had kids, what was your job? Did you go to uni? What are you interested in?

You need to build your life up again. I’m not sayin don’t separate, it sounds like you are done with the relationship. But you need to focus on your own happiness, no one else can make you happy. You’ll need interests and focus as a single parent, otherwise you’ll just rebound into another unsuitable relationship.

Good luck Op!

Yellowcrocodile I read that thread too...I have Asperger’s. I’m not convinced this behaviour indicates Asperger’s, more just lazy, selfish behaviour. In some ways, it doesn’t matter. His behaviour is unlikely to change so Ive needs to make a decision about the future based on this.

Wasting 5k of your parents money to marry a man you don’t love. No. Speak to your parents and tell them how you feel. Take your kids to your parents if you can and then go home and tell him it’s over. Then get some legal advice . Ask him to leave the family home. You need to bite the bullet.

It's hit the news? What? 😩 This worries me as I've seen newspapers steal stories from here.
He does have autism. But honestly. I think it's a bit of both. He can be lazy and selfish at times and other times he isn't. (he isn't majority of the time)
Well. He says he has autism but his family have his medial letters. Apparently he doesn't?

honey.nine.com.au/2018/07/10/11/57/woman-marriage-children

:o is there anything I can do about this!? Cheeky bastards. I put it online obviously but using it is ridiculous

No clue why a shocked face comes up as a smileu

It's an Australian site so hopefully not likely to out you to friends and family if you're not in Aus...

Absolutely shit attempt at reporting though, Jo Abi - taking someone's difficult time and just reproducing it wholesale online. That's not journalism, that's parasitism.

It's ridiculous. It's online. Anyone who knows me could stumble across it. They most likely won't but still..

I've emailed them. You'd think they'd at least ask.

Well done for not getting swept along by this family pressure and marrying him.

It just sounds like you both moved it along far too fast. You’ve got 2 children - there’s no way you tried for a long time for #1! (I think when people want children they get impatient and think it’s a long time when it isn’t)

Fortunately, you don’t have to “repent at leisure” because you’re allowed to leave this relationship, which doesn’t work.

There is a lot of adjustment after children. But from everything else you’ve said, it’s not just that.

Leave or ask him to leave. Just sounds like you're not in love any more, which happens. Sounds like you've drifted too far to reconnect or want to. And you've tried to have discussions and he's dismissed you. Hope your studies go well.

Jo Abi 961 it is such a shame that you can't be a journalist

Op be strong, be objective,
believe in yourself

a real journalist

I've emailed the company and messaged this jo over Instagram.
Pissed off isn't the word.

Op that’s terrible that article. Poor form.

You would be absolutely amazed by how many mumsnet threads are picked up by Aussie media, I see them all the time!

That link takes me to "page not found" so at least that's some good news.

I did email them and message Jo. I'm so disgusted by it. Using people's problems for an article of their own gain without permission that others can stumble upon. It is online. But you know.. At least ask. If people I know would've seen it they'd have easily put 2 and 2 together