Advice needed. I can't marry him.

[Ivenocluewhatimdoing]

Myself an dp have been together 4 years. We tried a long time for our dd and then unexpected our contraception failed and I'm suddenly pregnant again with my boy. He's great, I wouldn't change him.

We live together. Finances are okay, kids are happy but I'm not.
So now I'm really struggling to even get along with him or even talk to him. We don't talk to each other. It's like we're roommates who sleep in the same bed. Today for example, we've probably only said two words to each other and that's it. He says it's a comfortable silence and he still loves me. I find it awkward.
In his free time, he likes to game, which is fine. But we haven't had time to ourselves in a long while and I feel so distant and I'm falling out of love with him.

I tried to tell him yesterday how I felt and he brushed me off with "no. We're fine. Everything is fine" but it's not.
My parents are giving us the gift of getting married as my dad is ill and not sure how long he has left. We were saving but they want to pay so he can at least be there. (else we'd be waiting 30 years) an the other day it suddenly hit me.
There's nothing in common.
We don't talk to one another.
We aren't even in the same room majority of the time we are together
An he prefers gaming to spending time with me. But that may be again, we live together. I try to make conversation but it just doesn't work anymore. I told him recently I don't feel like her my dp anymore an there's nothing for us in common and we don't want the same things anymore but again, I get "we work. That's it."

It's just getting so difficult. I've come down so ill tonight and I feel so neglected. I wanted him to come to bed and or help me with the kids if they wake up. (I can't sit up, I keep fainting etc) an he told me he wanted to game instead. (which he has been nearly every night til 2am) I was awake when he came to bed just and he looked at me, rolled over and went to sleep.

Please talk me through this. I can't see myself loving him to the point I want to be married anymore. I can't even see this being long term. He just brushes me off whenever I try to talk about us.

Yes maybe he is feeling the same. Arun has pointed this out.
Now that you have given more info. Are you in UK, watching the world cup in the heatwave?
And yes when DC's are tucked up how do you spend your time?

I'm in UK but none of us have interest in the world Cup..
I just clean :( even things I didn't know needed cleaning. Always something to do. I have a kitten and he's always making a mess

When our kids were little, ex and I had a rule, particularly for things like date night: "No talking about the kids". It really easy to fall into being mummy and daddy, not Linda and Steve, and when you're on a date, you need to be Linda and Steve.

You've become mummy and daddy, full-time. He's okay with that, you're not. He's got his gaming, which I presume he plays with his mates, ie he's still doing some non-daddy stuff. You haven't got any non-mummy stuff. You don't share his passion for gaming, so even if he wanted to talk to you about his only other outlet, you would be bored. You have lost the art of talking to each other about anything but mundane, boring crap. He's not deliberately ignoring you, more like he's trying to get something like you got with your friend the other day. He's happily accepted that you're boring.

This is what you need to talk to him about. You don't want a row, you want time, attention, wit, interesting anecdotes! And you would like to give him the same back! You need to switch out of the mummy and daddy headspace and actually talk like adults to each other, because right now, you bore each other. It's actually quite difficult to do, and there will be lots of silences and staring blankly at first. But if you try making it a rule, say four nights a week, no gaming, no talking about the kids, and see where it gets you.

Someone please tell me this is what happens once you have children? Things just get dull and you don't talk to one another? This isn't normal is it?

I think this is pretty common actually. Not normal exactly, but common and it's one of the things that leads to people splitting up. Because it is kind of shit. It's difficult when you have little ones and if you're a SAHM it can be really difficult to have anything outside of that. Most men still go out to work and your DP is gaming too. He doesn't quite see how lonely your life is. He's not feeling the great chemistry anymore, but it's working for him because he can turn to his colleagues at work and his gaming in the evening. But it sounds like you're currently focused entirely on the domestic sphere and one person who used to make that a great place for you, your DP, is basically AWOL.

So I agree with others who say you have to be more assertive about telling him there's a problem. But I also think you have to not just look to him to change in order to solve it. You could probably do with getting something concrete to work on outside the home. Maybe a couple of evenings a week you leave him with the kids and take up a sport or a craft or a course or something. Arrange to see a lot more of your friends. Make your life so it isn't lonely even without your DP paying attention to you.

Can you find a hobby or something to do on your own away from kids and home. Just like he does with gaming?
I would talk to your parents about the wedding and say how wonderful the offer is but at the moment things are not solid enough to get married.
I think you need to give yourself a time line -say six months. Work in the relationship in this time. If you feel exactly the same way then separate, at least then you know you’ve given it 100 percent.
Yes things do change when children come along but your are lonely and alone in this family at the moment:

He's not a bad guy. But just the past month. I'm getting nothing from him. But he says he's comfortable

It sounds like he is taking you for granted, OP. Maybe the very idea of getting married has made he feel like he doesn't have to try anymore and you will be there forever.

I think you should cancel the marriage for the moment and arrange to spend more time alone together, if he is willing, to find each other again. And, if he continues to be uninterested, your kids will be fine if you separate.

You sound like my dsis op. She cleans to pass the time. They haven't slept together for almost 20 years. Great life style, cracking kids. Plenty of money. Double hotel rooms on every trip. The daughter shares with him and the son shares with her. It costs fortunes.
Lonely as anything.
Do you want that life?
No I would rather be what I am. A single independent parent and skint.

Graphista speaks sense.

Also I wonder - he may not have an alcohol problem, but his gaming behaviour shows addictive traits (putting it above you).

Could you do relationship counselling? In a formalised setting he would have to listen, or at least be challenged to more than he currently will.

You say you've been together 4 years, tried 'a long time' for your dd and now have an unexpected ds too. You must have been trying pretty much from when you were together. Why was that? Why did you not choose to spend time as a couple together first? I wonder if, as becoming or being parents has accompanied you throughout your relationship (and I am guessing you are on the youngish side too), he is feeling as trapped in his life as you are in yours, and using the gaming to escape/decompress? He shares at some level your sense that things need to change, but for whatever reason he can't/won't tackle it in the way you are exploring doing?

Seems to always be my advice on here, but it's probably time you both go some where neutral like a coffee shop and have a really open and frank conversation where he can't brush it off or be distracted by the comfort of going to play his games and really face this situation head on by telling him everything you've put here, if that's not enough of a wake up call for him then as hard as it is, it might be time for you to move on for your own happiness.

Been in a similar situation but went through with it and it didn't end well..

How old are your children? And you’re saying he’s only been like this for a month and was always really caring and wonderful and helpful before? Sorry, but I don’t think one month of selfish behaviour (after 7pm only) is enough to split up your family for.

Maybe he just needs some quiet/alone time? I feel exhausted at the end of a busy day with my kids, and even though I love my DP sometimes I wish he’d just go out for a while so I could listen to a podcast while tidying, have a glass of wine and watch a documentary ALONE. Instead I have to make small talk about my largely boring day over the dishes, consult about what he wants to watch... the kind of stuff that would have been fine a few years ago but now sometimes I just want quiet and not to have to think about anyone else at all. If your DP is such a good dad then he must consider his kids and put their needs first all the time. I’m sure you agree that’s tiring and plain boring after a while. No doubt he’s looking for a bit of an escape too.

All that said though, if he wasn’t up til 2am playing games he would likely have more to give. The games need to go or at least be reduced to one or two evenings a week while you’re out doing your own thing. Don’t you ever want to be alone? Get a hobby to help you escape a bit?

Do you not talk about anything? I’m chronically ill dh and I don’t talk much. I’m in bed a lot and he is at work, doing jobs, looking after dd etc. We text each other when he’s at work for example. First thing I did when I learnt bozo had resigned yesterday was text him. Not ideal. But communication all the same.

As for marrying. I’m sure your dad would be horrified if you told him you were only getting married to please him. My cousin did the same. Needless to say she is divorced. Sadly for her it’s more and more likely she will be childless.

It isn't enough. My only worry is from myself. I don't love him enough to marry him and I know this. An I don't know if its possible to be in love with him again. I feel like we've done what we needed to do and now, that's it. Time for something else. We 'get on' probably as friends who TMI just occasionally have sex. That's it. Barely talk, there's no other affection like a hug or a kiss anymore. Just that. We don't talk about anything. He tries to talk about games. I don't have the time with the kids to get into them, I don't want to anyway. My other hobby is art but by the time my kids are fast for the night, I'm tired.

I've been up all night with his moaning. He has a toothache and I've gone above and beyond for him to try and get him an out of hours dentist. None available. I'm trying everything and it isn't good enough. Needless to say, I'm a bit pissed off. I'm trying so hard to make him feel better and I know he's in so much pain, but he's just aggressive at the moment with it. I keep trying to stop him pulling it out as the nearest one isn't open til 8:30am. He's just so angry with me for trying to stop him.

Has he taken ibuprofen and paracetamol together - or preferably co codamol instead of paracetamol. Pain is horrendous when you’re not used to it - chronic pain sufferer here. I get very grouchy when my pain is bad. It’s not a choice.

I know. I have RA but I suck it up. I can barely pick my daughter up sometimes. I hate it but I have to live with it. I'm trying so hard to help. He's currently on diazepam? Relaxant? And he's taken Panadol, it was the only pain relief we had in aside from standard paracetamol. I'm getting him booked in for 8:30 at the emergency dentist

So he's got toothache and you've been up all night with him? And when you were ill he would rather game than help you or the kids? No wonder you don't want to marry him.

If he's gaming until 2am he won't be getting up with your young children will he? So it's you that deals with them every morning? Do you have them all day? Does daddy puree vegetables? Sterilise bottles? Bath them? Or just play with them before 7pm when the console calls him away? You're the one who gets up with them in the night, even when ill? No wonder you're depressed.

When you try and talk about your feelings he shuts you down. He pretty much tells you to shut the fuck up. His life in the real world is cushy and he gets to spend 7 hours a day in his fantasy existence whilst you clean house.

I wouldn't want to marry that either.

He bathes them and does bottles etc. He helps out with them. I'm still ill this morning and granted he's in a worse situation than I am, I'm trying to help, phoning 111 etc and he's just being a real bastard to me. Horrible.
I'm tired. I'm unwell. Looking after two under 1 in my own with him screaming at them cause he's in so much pain.
We don't drive. That's the one thing we don't do so my mother is taking him to the emergency dentist in half hour. Its driving me insane. There was no thought for me last night.

Honestly. I know he's in pain. I am day to day with RA. He doesn't care about that. Think I'm just best off telling him straight and leaving. I can't live like this. He was happy to let me wash and clean up after him last night (a mess I didn't make. He does usually clean up after himself) shivering and barely able to walk. He was more than happy. Then after 2 hours I got "no more jobs for you. Go to bed."

So my next question is, How the hell do I break this up? I've had it after last night. I'm so upset. I'm worried what he will say

OP, Ive been with my DH for a long time, I have three kids. I love him dearly, and he loves me. We have our ups and downs, sometimes it's like I'm raising 4 children, but he respects me, talks to me, we have fun together, we share everything. We can sit with each other in comfortable silence, reading, facebooking whatever, but it's not awkward and if someone has something to say, the other is ready to listen.

I think you need to talk to him, tell him you are not going to marry him yet. Ask for time each night/week whatever suits you two to just spend time together. Maybe you could 'game' with him one night in exchange for him to do something that interests you. Try to reconnect and then decide if it's going to work. If he doesn't make an effort even at the prospect of losing you, then leave. But do not marry someone you do not love, just because you have children and a history together. 4 years is really not a long time when you compare it to a 40 year marriage.

Sorry, you posted as I was typing. Seems like you want out. Can you talk to a friend or family member first before talking to him? It's so easy to get caught up in the moment and change your mind if he starts making promises to change. If you tell someone, you are more likely to go through with it knowing you have support on the other side.

I don't think I want it for 40 years. :( I can't live like this anymore. Only decent thing he's done for me is give me my children.
Missed my 21st birthday.
He provides, yes. But so did I when he was jobless and I had nothing for myself. I've bailed him out more times than you can imagine. Never asked for it back.
He's already said he doesn't want me to game with him so there's that too. It's really mucked itself up now. Ran it course I think

I have no one. My parents love him and want the wedding.
His family pressure me every single time I see them not to leave him
My friend.. I don't want her to know. Just me :(

Ok, well we know :) Plenty of support on here.

Your parents might love him, but they love you more. If they knew how unhappy you were there is no way they would want you to marry this man.

I could just cry. I don't know what to do or say to him or them 😭

You don’t love him and you have nothing in common. It’s time to end it. You get one life. Do you want things to be like this for the rest of it?