How do I get over this?

[AnxietyKilledTheDog]

Hi guys,

This may be a long one!

Basically, I am wondering... How on earth do I get over this situation?

A month ago my boyfriend of 3 years walked out on me. We lived together, we had a dog and a cat but thankfully no children. When I say he walked out on me, I literally mean I was in bed one night when I heard the gate go and pew, he disappeared. How do I ever move on from that?
How can a person with a conscience end a fairly long term relationship in this way? No discussion, no conversation?

We are both in our early to mid 20's and I KNOW I'll get over it. But how?

There really is no more to it, he just left. I have so many questions and so much anger inside of me. He was abusive in a few different ways and of course I am better off without him... But when will I see that?

Any advice, help or even just a chat would be appreciated. I am keeping busy as best as I can.

It just hurts.

Thank you x

I didn't want to read and run, you poor thing! Has he not given any indication why? Not been in touch to collect stuff?

for you xx

God what an arse! There is no excuse for such shoddy behaviour, so sorry to hear that OP. I've no real advice but didn't want to read and run.

So sorry to hear this; what a shitty thing to do. If you're struggling with sleeping and everyday life, have a chat with your GP. If you were treated badly, it might be an idea to get yourself referred for some talk therapy.

It does pass, believe me

Thank you.

I have no idea why. The house was his (mortgaged) so after a few days I got my things and left and posted my keys. He isn't living there as far as I'm aware.
He emailed me a few days ago (3 and a half weeks after walking out) saying he's sorry for the way he left me, as you can imagine that's not done a smidge of good!

I'd say "Cherchez la femme."

It must have been a hell of a shock, but a man who could do that to you really isn't the man for you.

What the fuck???

Did he even expect you to move out?! Like, was he just going to leave you there?

To do that to someone shows they seriously lack empathy of any kind. Really mean blessing in disguise

MadMags - if I told you it all the madness would blow your mind. He would have told me to stay there if I didn't move out, he literally would just not go home and avoid the situation! I got my things 2 weeks ago and he hadn't been home since that night... He hadn't even got his work suits. It really is bizarre. The night he left all he took with him was his world cup sticker book. He is mid 20's. If I wasn't sat here typing it I wouldn't believe it myself.

I am managing to eat and sleep and I'm still going to work, so I'm okay. I do think I need some sort of therapy but I'm unsure how to access it, I work for a big organisation so they could possibly refer me, but I don't really want people at work to know. I don't feel ill enough anymore to visit the GP for therapy.

It's just unjust. He's got away with the way he treated me, he was violent and I continually took him back. I'm not this person, I don't know how I've ended up like this.

That sounds more like some sort of breakdown to be honest. Do you know anything about where he's living now?
In terms of how you get over it - I'm afraid the cliche "one day at a time" is a cliche because it's true. One day you'll realise suddenly you haven't felt crap all morning, and gradually it gets better. It's hard but know that it does get better x

I obviously do suspect another woman. But I think there is even more to it than that. His family have been useless. If there was an OW I would have preferred to know anyway. It's the lack of closure that is killing me!

By labelling it correctly: another act of abuse.

People with consciences don't commit abuse. People who love you don't abuse you.

I know it's still hard, and it will hurt for a while. But you will come through it. You don't need to instantly be over it, or consciously wondering how to get over it. It's something that will happen naturally if you focus on building a stronger, better happier life free from abusive men.

I honestly think he's done you a favour though, and it will help to focus on that. If he reappears please don't take him back - he will then know he can do whatever he wants to you and get away with it, so his blatantly abusive behaviours will become even worse.

Have you found your anger yet? Anger would be good here, it would show that you recognise you deserved better than how he treated you. And that would stand you in good stead for your future.

You're very young, so obviously even younger when you got into this relationship. That will probably make it feel even more painful, but it's worth remembering that you still have your whole life ahead of you to break this pattern and build something better for yourself.

Him leaving has given you the opportunity to meet a decent human who will never abuse you. (There is no such thing as a slightly abusive or intermittently abusive relationship, just that we haven't identified or recognised the rest of it. Men who abuse us do not love us, no matter how much they say otherwise - abuse is not compatible with love.)

I would recommend you go on the Freedom Programme. It will help you heal from him by teaching you how his decision to do this fits into his pattern of abuse, and show you what a healthy relationship looks like. That way, it will give you hope for your future again, and the tools to make sure you can spot and avoid men who'll behave like this.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You can do the online course or go to a group and get support and solidarity from other women. If you go to a group nobody will ask you to share your experiences unless you want to, you don't have to stand up and speak in front of everyone, you can just listen. But it's information that will give you back power over your life.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Be kind to yourself. It will get better.

Thanks, some sort of breakdown was my first thought and something that would fit. He's always had quite bizarre behaviours. Sometimes, I am happy. But it's a different kind of happy and not happy 'enough.' I gave away too much of myself, I guess we learn from experience.

I think he’s done you a favour. Leaving in such a cowardly avoidant way has shown you his immaturity, and that he’s probably incapable of being a decent partner long term. The The night he left all he took with him was his world cup sticker book made me wonder if he’s very immature and has just hidden it well.

My ex was secretly moving his things out for weeks before he finally dumped me, I didn’t even realise. It did me such a favour as when I realised after the split he’d been doing it (and lying to my face with the odd thing I noticed) I instantly lost all respect for him as a partner and a person. To be so cowardly as to try and sneak out of the back door while I was oblivious really showed his true colours to me and I got over him extremely quickly as my love and respect died for him that day. If he’d left in a less slimy more mature way perhaps I’d have felt I lost something good, if that makes sense?

You may never find out why, you don’t need to know though. All that matters is that he doesn’t want to be with you and didnt respect you enough to end your relationship with even a smidgen of love. That says it all, you’re genuinely better off without him though of course it’ll take some time to heal and it’s totally normal to be devastated.

What happened re social media? Did he block you or something? When?

The night he left all he took with him was his world cup sticker book

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh at that.

This man has been violent towards you? I would see this as a very lucky escape, then.

Do you know where he's been staying? Is he on social media?

I type too slowly, and too much, clearly.

Having read your update about violence, I am upgrading my Freedom Programme recommendation to a whole hearted endorsement.

It's not therapy, but it will help you get your head around why you took him back and how you ended up "this person".

The course is 12 weeks, 2 hours per week. The one I went to was in the evening. We had cake. The cake helped. (We also cried sometimes, vented, and laughed together.)

It will teach you all about how abuse works, how it affects you, why you stay, why you take them back, why you end up feeling you deserve it. It helps you make sense of the confusing, upsetting world you've been living in.

It will help you feel less alone to sit in a room with other women who've been through similar things to you. Nobody will judge you, they'll just care and want better for you.

The other women in the group I attended gave me so much strength, and courage, and hope. Listening to them helped me make sense of what had happened to me.

The really important thing, is that it also teaches you how an imperfect but decent partner would treat you and behave. It teaches you what a healthy relationship looks like and how that makes you feel. It teaches you to spot the subtle warning signs of abuse so you don't get sucked back in again (be cautious of the "oh but this guy is so different to the last one, so he can't be abusive" thought process - it doesn't work like that).

The FP helped me put all the pieces together and find some certainty so I could move forward. I suspect, based on what you've said and the experiences you've had, that FP would be a much better place for you to begin than therapy. Although that may still be helpful later on after you've gained the understanding and knowledge the FP can give you.

Thank you everyone. I am going out now with my family for food but I will reply afterwards!

P.s. Even I can laugh at the sticker book thing now! (That I bought him)

So he’s obviously done you a massive favour but he’s still a cunt.

At least he’s not your problem anymore

All he took was his World Cup sticker book and he's mid-20s?? That's the sort of thing my 7-year-old would do!

Whatever his motivation for leaving OP (and I can understand your upset and frustration at being left with so many unanswered questions), this weird dude has done you a MASSIVE fucking favour.

Hold you head high. Move on. Don't look back. He was crazy as a box of frogs and HE'S NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM. That alone should put a smile on your face.

How can a person with a conscience end a fairly long term relationship in this way? No discussion, no conversation?

You said he has been violent several times, therefore you know he has no conscience.

Tbh this is the easiest I've heard of a woman getting out of an abusive relationship. You should be thanking your lucky stars it was this easy.

Maybe this is just another power play. In a while he will want you back and will expect you to forgive and go back. And it will be worse.

Gruff - thank you. I will look into this more when I get in, but from what you've said I will definitely book on. I hope it has helped/is helping you.
He was so clever. Nobody knew what he was really like. My entire family fell for his facade, he's a con artist. If you met him he would talk you round... So clever. He would never hurt me where anybody could see, he'd strangle me and kick me in the back after shoving me over. At the end of the night I'd be crying and begging him for his forgiveness and for him to hold me. I'd apologise and say I know I do wrong etc but looking back I never once did a single thing to him! This isn't the first time he has left me, each time he came back and like you said, it got worse.
I have found my anger and I am so, so angry. About it all. More so, how he will get away with it all and how his family will continue to think he is the golden boy. But I am excited about my future without him, about being me again!
I just feel so confused, so empty. He changed to someone I didn't recognise. He truly was so clever. He would adapt perfectly to every situation, everyone would love him.

He isn't on social media. He doesn't have FB, he does have Twitter but we didn't follow each other anyway. He blocked me on Whatsapp/messages weeks ago.

Forgot to add, he is staying about 25 minutes away where his family live. I presume he is staying with his parents but who knows... The last I heard a week ago he wasn't living in his house.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Essence_of_the_Thing

Helpful fiction.

Best wishes OP

Lyndsey - thank you and I am so sorry to hear about your equally bizarre situation! Why do some men do this? Wy can't they respect us enough to have an adult conversation? Cowards.

I understand what you say about losing love and respect. I still love him but I no longer respect him. I need to come round to the fact that I'll never know, I tried so hard to get answers but I need to know I'll never get any. I'm just in shock, I don't understand.
He blocked me a few weeks ago, he doesn't have FB.

Eh? Where did the abusive behaviour come from?