How do I get over this?

[AnxietyKilledTheDog]

Hi guys,

This may be a long one!

Basically, I am wondering... How on earth do I get over this situation?

A month ago my boyfriend of 3 years walked out on me. We lived together, we had a dog and a cat but thankfully no children. When I say he walked out on me, I literally mean I was in bed one night when I heard the gate go and pew, he disappeared. How do I ever move on from that?
How can a person with a conscience end a fairly long term relationship in this way? No discussion, no conversation?

We are both in our early to mid 20's and I KNOW I'll get over it. But how?

There really is no more to it, he just left. I have so many questions and so much anger inside of me. He was abusive in a few different ways and of course I am better off without him... But when will I see that?

Any advice, help or even just a chat would be appreciated. I am keeping busy as best as I can.

It just hurts.

Thank you x

I meant the argument started over something so petty and small, i.e the wrong food, but he always blew it up. But yes, I forgot about that instance for the past 5 weeks because that was an insignificant fall out of many. And there was much worse!

I know that's not normal at all.

I'm having a really bad night, I'm just sick of feeling like this. It seems to have come back with a vengeance 10 x worse but I have no idea why.

I don't know how I can miss someone so vile. I'm just really struggling and I don't know what to do.

I've had the past 2 days off work and I have to go back in tomorrow and I'm absolutely dreading it.

Work might be a good thing (I hope it was!) to take your mind off him. Can you plan anything nice, like going out with friends, for a coffee or a massage, shopping, meal. Honestly whatever floats your boat. Treat yourself to a nice new outfit, get your nails done. Bubble bath. Just be kind to yourself and do something enjoyable.

I think talking about it is definitely the best way to get it off your chest, I'm glad you've opened up to family. Let friends and family reassure you and emphasise just how badly he treated you. None of that is normal.

Torturing yourself by trying to find a reason why he left won't do you any good. Maybe he met someone else, good for you, bad for her. Maybe he grew a conscience and realised what an utter cunt he was and decided you deserved better (doubtful, but still a possibility.)

He just sounds very unhinged to me. None of that behaviour is right and I'm betting he's a little unhinged. The bottom line is that it really doesn't matter why he left, you need to focus on you and start planning for your future and life without him. Honestly, one day you will wake up absolutely euphoric about being free from him. I know it sounds like madness to you but you will. I promise. Just hang in there

Thank you Jeff.

I'm glad I went into work but I did have to leave my desk a few times while I had a little cry. I have no idea why, I didn't need to do that 2 days after we broke up!

I have contacted him a few times these past few days and he has emailed me back a few times. It is nothing to do with getting back together at all, that is not an option. I know I can't message him anymore, so today is a new day and I have done it before and I will do it again.

I've had a lovely morning taking my new horse for a ride and i definitely forgot about everything for a while.

It's just a bit rubbish, isn't it?!

It is shit. It's still a huge shock that you didn't see coming. You'll be grieving the relationship and the routine of having someone else there 24/7.

My first boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere after a year, and even though I knew it wasn't a good or healthy relationship and that splitting up was a good thing, I still bawled my eyes out at college the next day. It's just transition and it all takes time to adjust and process everything.

I'd definitely avoid emailing him, did he give you any closure on the reason for leaving?

New horse sounds amazing, that will definitely be a great way to spend time

I got no closure, no, I think that's what's been so tough. He drove off one night while I was in bed and just left me there alone wondering what on earth was going on.

He still hasn't given me a reason in the email.
But as you said, even when you know it's for the best it's still so difficult.

Have downloaded the Lundy book.

But but but surely the reason is that he is a nasty abusive cunt.

Have you been able to identify him as any of the Lundy types yet?

I haven't started the book yet, just got in now so may have some light bedtime reading!

I really struggled with my first session if the Freedom Programme because I couldn't relate to anyone at all and none of the personas were his. There was only 3 of us and the other 2 had been going for weeks and I wasn't able to get a word in edge ways. One of them actually said to me I should get back with him because I said he would do everything for me! I do know that is a different type of abuse, but my experiences were just so different. He would do all of the cooking, washing, cleaning, he would go to the supermarket for me at 2 am for a hot water bottle, when he wasn't working he'd get up and take me to work etc. But I realise he was firstly trying to make it look like he was a nice person to the outside world but he was also possibly making it so that I was completely dependent on him. He also wasn't controlling, I could go out whenever I wanted with whoever I wanted, dressed however I wanted for as long as I wanted etc etc and I know that's just a normal thing anyway, but I just struggled to relate. I will definitely be giving it another go though.

I know that's the truth Rabbit. But it's hard to believe I shared a bed with an abusive arsehole for those years and there was no other reason!

“ One of them actually said to me I should get back with him because I said he would do everything for me!”

😱

Was there no facilitator?? Surely there should have been a facilitator to challenge this comment and to make sure you got chance to speak as much as the others?

I think doing everything is a form of control under the guise of being the “perfect” partner. He kept you dependent on him that way and he could throw it all back in your face, as he did in the example you gave.

Anyway well done for going and I’m sorry it wasn’t as helpful as it should have been.

The facilitator did challenge that comment and say err no she shouldn't but that was pretty much all I got to say. I went with an open mind wanting to speak about my experiences of a different type of abuse but one woman just spoke about herself constantly, even interrupting the facilitator mid sentence. If that helps her then I suppose that's great, it was just far less structured than I thought.
There was also a comment that I didn't fit there because I was too happy and smiley!

Thank you, yes, I understand now it was all a control ploy. At the time I almost couldn't believe my luck, but he'd constantly throw it back in my face, call me lazy, say I don't do anything etc!

Had a better day today, feeling a bit more positive about the future, probably because I haven't contacted him in a few days.

I have mixed feelings, my friend has contacted my mum to say that I may need professional help due to the toxic and dangerous relationship! I don't feel quite ready to share everything with them, maybe I never will and that's okay too. I know she has been in tears when I've told her some things he's done to me so she is definitely trying to look out for me.

It's weird, the hardest thing is remembering the good times and everything that I felt was positive about the relationship. It doesn't upset me to remember the bad times. It does break my heart though every time I remember anything nice he did for me, the places we went to, the things we did etc.

Hopefully I was having a bit of a blip and this week will be better than next. I'm not sure it can get much worse!

Had a really good few days but now I miss him so much I feel sick.

Ah, when will this end!

Quick, remember all the bad times. Did you make a list yet?

I haven't made a concrete list yet, I didn't want to focus so much intense energy on him! I will think in my head though. Thank you. I am just sick of feeling like this!

Had a really good weekend full of things that I enjoy.

Maybe it's with work looming but I feel really low again. Just can't see a way out/end to this. I'm exhausted and feel like I could sleep for a week! Just struggling.

You've just got out of an abusive relationship! That's going to take a while to recover from.

The Freedom Programme will help eventually. Have you found his persona in the book yet?

I suspect really he left after realising what he was doing and deciding to stop. And likely a breakdown occurring at the realisation of what a shit he was to you.

That's probably why you won't get closure - he at least hopefully doesn't want to risk you persuading him you can sort it out

At least I think in your shoes that is what I would want to believe

Thank you, writing it down helps.
I haven't got very far in the book yet, I'm keeping myself so busy I don't have time to read and when I get in I fall straight asleep!

Have a small holiday with my friend planned and a few other things, so plenty to look forward to.

One thing that makes me feel a bit sick is that when I eventually meet another person - someone who has never hurt me - I worry that I will flinch away from them when they get too close etc. I don't know why but that bothers me! Maybe it's because 'he' has taken a part of me I will never get back and he has changed everything.