How do I get over this?

[AnxietyKilledTheDog]

Hi guys,

This may be a long one!

Basically, I am wondering... How on earth do I get over this situation?

A month ago my boyfriend of 3 years walked out on me. We lived together, we had a dog and a cat but thankfully no children. When I say he walked out on me, I literally mean I was in bed one night when I heard the gate go and pew, he disappeared. How do I ever move on from that?
How can a person with a conscience end a fairly long term relationship in this way? No discussion, no conversation?

We are both in our early to mid 20's and I KNOW I'll get over it. But how?

There really is no more to it, he just left. I have so many questions and so much anger inside of me. He was abusive in a few different ways and of course I am better off without him... But when will I see that?

Any advice, help or even just a chat would be appreciated. I am keeping busy as best as I can.

It just hurts.

Thank you x

What do you mean?

I mentioned abusive behaviour in my first post, I used plural as he was abusive in other ways too.

If you disbelieve me please report me, I have name changed. I thought this was somewhere you could come and speak freely without fear of judgement! It is something I haven't told anyone else.

Or have I completely misread this? If so, I apologise.

Thank you June. I know, the sticker book thing is ridiculous. He didn't even take his phone charger?! He left with the clothes on his back.
I think I need to accept that I'll never get the answers I need/deserve. I do feel slight relief already, but the negative feelings are overwhelming.

Thank you Rabbit.
I know this time he won't come back and even if he did, for my families sake I couldn't go back. He has left me before and then returned, each time I stupidly thought it may be different. It never was.
I like the thing you said about no conscience, that puts things into perspective. Sometimes he wouldn't even be remorseful, of course he has no conscience.

I apologise. I didnt see it. If he is abusive then he did you a massive favour. Goid riddance to him and his sticker book!

Wow. I'm early 20s, been with DP 4.5 y. If he did this ... I'd be heartbroken and confused.

All I can say is clearly you've had a lucky escape ... who fucking does that??

Thanks, I think when the initial shock subsides I will feel like I had a lucky escape.
The way he did it has just left me with so much confusion.

Lemony - I know, heartbroken and confused sums it up nicely.
I am a decent person, if he sat me down and told me he didn't want to be with me, I'd be okay with that. It's just the shock. That afternoon we were out with both of our families, all together, and then a few hours later he does that. I didn't see it coming.
I have spoken to a few of his family members but I found them useless. If it was me I'd drag him to meet me, if only to give me a sense of closure.

I just didn't know the person he turned into. Or the person he hid all along! I used to tell him it's like sharing a bed with a stranger, the last few months!

From your various posts it's clear that he is a nasty, despicable human being. Focus on that as all the reason you need. It concerns me that in one of your posts you speculate that he might have had some kind of breakdown. If this is a part if you trying to find some kind of sympathy or acceptable excuse for him you need to kick that to the kerb. He's an abuser, you know this. If you find ways to excuse this latest abuse you risk letting him worm his way back into your life. He's a nasty, despicable human being, that's the be all and end all. You won't fix him, he won't change for the better, he will never make you truly happy.

Look at this as finally being able to break free of someone who has had a control over you for far too long. This is the start of a brand new period in your life, there are so many things you can do now you are rid of him.

Yes it happened in a bad way, ideally it would have been your decision but leaving an abusive relationship is always hard. Use this opportunity to rebuild yourself and go on to do lots of fun things. I agree with the Freedom Programme or maybe look into some books if you don't feel up to that to start with but you need to protect yourself so you don't get into another relationship like this one.

Please get some counselling too OP. I'm worried from what you've written that you will get into another abusive relationship if you don't address what happened this time and make sure you know the warning signs another time. It will also help you to explore your feelings of anger and frustration. You need to learn from this truly awful experience so you can keep yourself safe in future.

TooTrue - thank you. Deep down I know this, it's just that it's so hard to believe I shared a bed for years with someone who is so twisted. The reason I ponder a breakdown is because my family have tried to find excuses for him (they don't know 'him' - just the person he portrayed) He has previously shown signs of some form of depression and my family believe that deep down he is a good person. I know that he isn't but I don't want to tell my family everything, I'm protecting myself, not him. Because I could never even think of harming someone it is so difficult to get my head around the fact that others can.

I won't let him back in my life. I know he won't have the shame to come back this time, anyway.

Another one to echo the counselling route. The problem is not that he left (thank Christ he did) but that you stayed with him. You need to understand how he was able to tap into your insecurities like this and how to build up your self-esteem and boundaries so this never happens again. If your work is a large organisation, they probably offer counselling. It will be totally confidential so you don’t have to tell anyone why - just ask your boss or HR if it’s available for a ‘family issue’. Otherwise speak to your GP - but there may be a waiting list on NHS.

I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t tell your family. Maybe being honest about this will be the first step to healing - but you know them best.

It's not for me or anyone else to tell you what to do so please only take this as something to think about. Maybe you should tell your family. I can understand why that may be hard for you but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are by a long way, sadly, not the first abuse victim who has kept their abuser's behaviour secret from family and friends and it is one of the major reasons why abusers get away with what they do. It is his dirty little secret though, not yours, and you don't owe him the benefit of keeping it secret. You will probably get a pleasant surprise if you open up to those closest to you.

We went through this with one if our daughters. She was in a LTR, house, kids and we thought her partner was a sound guy. I even socialised with him and considered him a personal friend as well as my daughter's partner. When she came to us and told us she was leaving him, but wouldn't tell us why, we were devastated and confused. We thought she was throwing away her nice life and that of the kids and as far as we knew there was no reason for it. I was even a shoulder to cry on for her exOH who was gutted obviously and claimed to have no idea why she had ended it. After a couple of weeks though she finally opened up to us. He had been controlling, dictating pretty much everything she could or couldn't do, who she could socialise with, what she could spend money on etc. He wasn't violent or aggressive but would use huffs, silent treatment and put-downs to keep her in line. She said she just felt suffocated and couldn't take it anymore. She was nervous as hell telling us, especially me, as she didn't think we would believe her. I didn't doubt her for a second, nor did my wife. I was so proud of her for finding the strength to get out. I was saddened she hadn't felt able to open up to us earlier but I understand why and didnt judge her for it.

I'm nothing special, just an average Joe who loves his family and has seen enough of life to know there's a lot of truth in the old saying about nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. Your parents and close friends will probably be the same, but you know them and I don't. Have a serious think about opening up. Real life support and understanding will make this so much easier for you.

Cake - thank you. I have emailed the person who runs the programme in my area and I may look into the online course also. I have already started changing my life for the better, more so as a distraction, but it is nice to not be constantly on edge.

Thank you June. I may sound dim but I can't imagine myself getting into this situation again... Yes, it does sound dim! I just can't believe I am in this situation and I also can't believe the last 3 years of my life. It doesn't seem real.

I too recommend counselling. I’m sure if you contact your work one they have to treat everything you say confidentiality. You keep agonising over how he left which is really completely irrelevant. What’s relevant is that he was a violent abusive piece of shit, and you should be thinking who cares how he left, just thank fuck he did. You should write that down and when you can look at it and think that’s absolutely right then you are free of him (and ready to find someone decent who treats you well)

Thanks Felicity. I understand that, I need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself for the first time in 3 years! We got together at an awkward time for me, I had my last couple of months of uni and was going off into the world, to find a job etc. It was a vulnerable time for me, the stress of exams and I didn't know what I wanted to be/do. The first 8 months or so he was wonderful. He'd whisk me on trips abroad, we'd talk all day and all night, he just seemed like a genuinely nice person, my family thought he was brilliant. I just wanted to get that back, I internalised his behaviour and wanted the person that I fell in love with back. He was clever at manipulating me and making it out to be my fault. Everyone who knew us will have thought I was hard work and he treated me far better than I deserved!

There are a few reasons I won't tell my family. They will view me as a different person to how they view me now. I think my dad/grandad/brother would drive up to him (they aren't violent at all, but they're protective and I don't know how they'd react) I just don't want them feeling sorry for me, I don't deserve it as I continually went back!

Thanks for your post Too. I am sorry to hear what your daughter went through.
I know my family will believe me, I am very close to them all and I know they'd do whatever they could to help me. As per my previous post there are a few reasons I don't want them knowing. Yet.
I understand what you say about abusers getting away with it and that annoys me a lot also. I keep thinking about telling his family but it would be for the wrong reasons. I feel the same about telling the Police.

I had the same situation, my dad was close friends with him, I'd go out on my own, or even on holiday alone, with his family and he'd spend time with my family without me. My family made excuses for his past bizarre behaviour. He convinced everyone.

I have told a close friend the truth and she is supportive.
I made excuses for his behaviour and she said, if I lost your dog accidentally, would you beat me up? I said of course not! She said exactly, a normal person would never hurt another, no matter what the reason.

I'm most ashamed that I went back? Also, the violence never bothered me. I don't know. The emotional/psychological abuse hurt me more.

Thanks time, I agree wholeheartedly and I like what you say about how he left being irrelevant. I have focused on that so much. But really, his behaviour for 3 years showed what he was capable of, it shouldn't be that much of a shock really. I need to stop focusing on the way he left and then maybe some of my anger will fade away.

I don’t think you should lose your anger! You may need it to help you be glad he’s gone? Just make it for the right reasons!

Yes, I need a bit of anger but I don't want too much so that it's detrimental. I can't see it fading anytime soon though! Thank you :)

Has anyone got anymore advice? :)

I just don't want them feeling sorry for me, I don't deserve it as I continually went back!

If I might be so bold, I think you deserve all the compassion in the world. You went back because you were trapped in his cycle of abuse - you'd been manipulated and brainwashed within an inch of your life.

You seem to be saying you deserved his abuse because you went back. And I have to strongly disagree with you on that too! There is nothing you could have done that would mean you deserved all he's done to you (and I understand what you mean about psychological abuse leaving deeper wounds). Your friend's comment was spot on.

I know I'm just an online randomer to you, so it's probably easier to dismiss me for saying that. However, I know women offline who went back to violent men repeatedly and I feel the same about them. I have the same compassion for you as I do for them.

Have you ever tried any kind of journaling? I wondering if it would help you. Could be just to splurge all your feelings onto paper with no structure for 10 minutes at a set time each day (followed by something kind to yourself), or recording the things you've managed to do that made you feel good/better/stronger/that you'd achieve something (eg emailing FP), or recording ideas you've had about your own future...

I have different notebooks for different things. One for splurging anger or distress, one for achievements, one for hopes/ideas, one for doodles... It can be helpful to have things written down for when things start to feel unreal or you're second guessing yourself. (Although you also have the benefit of being able to re read the posts here - both your own and other people's.)

Your post at 11:07 made me smile. It's good to see you taking charge and noticing things that are better now. You appear to be moving forwards from your posts, and that is something to hold onto.

Also, if you feel the anger is getting too much it's ok to release it in small bursts - do you have anybody with a garden that needs weeding? Ripping weeds out of the ground for a while might not be a bad way to get some of your frustration out of your system! (Or something else that works for you - some people punch cushions or rip paper into teeny tiny pieces.)

I think you should focus a lot more on why him leaving like this hurts you so.

If it were me I would be livid that he left me when clearly it should have been me who flounced.

He stole your I'm a strong woman who is kicking you to the kerb moment. Bastard.

I like Rabbits' take.