How do I get over this?

[AnxietyKilledTheDog]

Hi guys,

This may be a long one!

Basically, I am wondering... How on earth do I get over this situation?

A month ago my boyfriend of 3 years walked out on me. We lived together, we had a dog and a cat but thankfully no children. When I say he walked out on me, I literally mean I was in bed one night when I heard the gate go and pew, he disappeared. How do I ever move on from that?
How can a person with a conscience end a fairly long term relationship in this way? No discussion, no conversation?

We are both in our early to mid 20's and I KNOW I'll get over it. But how?

There really is no more to it, he just left. I have so many questions and so much anger inside of me. He was abusive in a few different ways and of course I am better off without him... But when will I see that?

Any advice, help or even just a chat would be appreciated. I am keeping busy as best as I can.

It just hurts.

Thank you x

I think he stole all of my strong woman moments full stop
In the very far off future I can try them again with someone else!

The amount of times I packed a bag and went to leave... One time I packed my bags and rang my dad (before I had a car) and told him to pick me up. He came for me and when he got there he mentioned something about do I have enough dog food. I obviously wasn't feeling great and I had a go at him, told him I was fine (which I always do!) and told him to leave. My ex then returned a few hours later with a bag of my favourite food and a smile and I took him back. One time I had planned to leave him and that day he sent me a huge bouquet of roses into work... I absolutely hated it. But everyone at work was saying oh, whatever he's done he must be sorry, he must love you, etc, so I stayed.

That's exactly what hurts the most, him leaving. I miss HIM. Not the arsehole he turned into, but him. The person he never was, but the person who would do anything to make me happy... I know it wasn't real. But it was for me.

Thank you Gruff.
Brainwashed is spot on. I don't necessarily think I deserved the abuse I just think it's partly my fault for not leaving? I could have so easily left (not at the time though as he would lock me in and take away my phone) But the following day I could have taken my dog and left, he wouldn't have even known. I don't know how to explain it.

I will be sure to write things down, I think that will help, thank you. I don't want to waste anymore space than I already am thinking about him, so if I'm feeling particularly low/bad it would be nice to scribble my thoughts down. In a week I bet I'd be feeling completely different. The first week he left I didn't eat all week, apart from walking the dog I didn't leave the house. (I was already on annual leave) Now, I go to work everyday, I have restarted my favourite hobby, I am trying new things, I am seeing more of my family than ever... I am okay. It is just when I'm not okay that I wonder how I'll cope and how I'll ever move on.

But he cant make me feel the way he has done previously again and that's bloody brilliant.

I do think a good outlet for my anger would be beneficial. My hobby includes an animal in the countryside... When I am there I dont once think about things and it is quite physical, I could use that :)

Ah, I am having a bit of a bad day today. Today exactly is a year since we picked up our/my dog and on Tuesday it will be a year since we finally moved into our/his house, after having worked on it for a year! I know it's just a number, but I have so many memories ):

Just stay positive and keep looking forward to a better, brighter future. I'm a great believer in the philosophy that people, events, circumstances don't make us feel a certain way be that happy, sad, angry etc. We choose our emotional responses, albeit often subconsciously and we can, with time and practice, take much more control of how we feel. Work on feeling positive, confident, happy and no matter what is going on in your life that is how you will feel.

You're stronger than you realise, that is clear to me from reading your posts. Stop putting yourself down, stop blaming yourself for his disgusting behaviour. Believe that you deserve so much better and you will never accept being treated like that again. Today is not a memorial day for your relationship with him, it is the first day of the rest of your wonderful life. Believe that and make it happen.

Thank you Too. I'm trying as hard as I can :) I've even been applying for new jobs, I want to make this positive.

I've just received a text from his grandparents (bad things come in twos!) I wrote some of his family letters a few days after we broke up, I know it's silly but I didn't want it to be left with bad feeling as I grew close to them all. His nana must have just been given the letter (I left them at the house) and she said she loved getting to know me, I'm young and beautiful and intelligent and I have a whole life ahead of me so I need to be happy. She says we all were close so it is hard, but it's bye for now and maybe we can get in touch sometime in the future.

It's made me feel better/worse. But I'm going to get ready and go out with my grandparents for the day.

Hi OP, reading your thread and the emotions you are experiencing is like someone has read my mind. I split up with my abusive ex three weeks ago (and posted on here about it) so I really feel for you, we're also a similar age.

Keep using mumsnet and take on board all the advice on here, it really helped me get things into perspective. It's so so very hard and it's a confusing time but your positive attitude is really admirable so keep it up (or fake it til you make it).

You sound like you've got a great support network around you and you'll probably have a new found appreciation for the lovely people in your life now. I would recommend telling your family if you feel able to, I couldn't handle the questioning from people who wondered that had happened and getting it all out in the open was such a relief. Take care of yourself because as someone told me on here "YOU are the prize, 1st prize!"

He sounds disrespectful and incredibly childish. Unable to treat partners kindly and face up to responsibilities. You deserve better, you will meet someone better when it feels right to. One day you'll look back at memories with him and laugh at his patheticness. Best of luck

You did his house up for a year despite having no financial stake in it? I wouldn't do that again if I were you.

I hope he made up for it with low rent/bills for you.

Rabbits - I didn't pay a penny in rent/bills.
My dad actually did his whole house, top to bottom, including kitchen, bathroom, flooring, all timber etc. My dad organised and ordered everything and also sourced his friends/family who are plasterers, electricians, gas men... They were all paid but at an extremely "mate rate" wage, including my dad who did it for a nominal amount.

That's what I mean. My dad did that because he thought my ex was ace, everyone thought "this is it." My dad thought this would be my home for a good few years, he wanted to help do it as cheaply and well as possible. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I helped strip walls, paint, etc but I didn't do much. My ex did zilch, it 'overwhelmed' him.
I contributed for food, meals out, holidays etc, and would give him money but to be fair to him he paid for the whole house himself. I did buy things for the house and filled the house.

Thanks Nothing, I have messaged you. I still don't feel ready to tell my family, if I ever will. He doesn't feature in many conversations now. I think I'm probably covering how I'm feeling with regards to the violence and one day it may come spilling out. I don't want him to get away with it but feel there isn't much I can do!

I'm sorry to hear you've been through similar, you sound like a lovely, strong person and I'm sure great things wait for you! One step at a time, that's all we can do, we have no option other than to keep going :) The light at the end of the tunnel gets closer everyday.

I ended up going out again last night from 10 to the early hours. Had been out earlier to watch the match and for a meal and got home early evening. A few months ago I would have said no to going back out but I'm trying to change my attitude! Ended up having a lovely night and since I don't drink - no hangover this morning

I have joined the Freedom Programme and i start on Thurs, a little nervous but I can't wait. I'm sure everyone will be lovely and welcoming.

I've not contacted him and he of course hasn't contacted me.

Wonderful. Good luck.

I need a kick up the arse. Feeling rubbish and I have messaged him a few times. He hasn't replied and he won't reply, thankfully, because I regret it already.
Feel like I've regressed a few steps.

I'm just sick of feeling like this, it's hopeless. I'm not usually such a wallower!

Hang in there.. lots of people here to help support you. Your freedom programme starts tomorrow and that will help. Keep going...you are doing the right thing

You covered up for his abuse for too long. This is a very lucky escape for you.

Start thinking why you still love a man who strangled you and would kick you in the back. He's dangerous and doesn't deserve any woman in his life with that behaviour.

I have to say I'm very saddened you'd be texting a man who would viciously attack you and walk out on you like this. I can only imagine you're trying to get him back

This man neither loves you or wants you. You understand the violence would escalate , and that men who strangle often go on to murder their partners? The violence would escalate or be so persistant, until you reached the point where, as a police man sadly described to me the victims of domestic violence they see as "no longer women, they are barely human any more". Count yourself lucky you're out before you become barely human too.

You're young and can meet someone else.

Tell your family. If only as a way to protect you from yourself. I'm worried you are not telling them because you hope to get him back. So sit them down now and tell them.

If you're contacting him, then it shows you've already descended into an abused persons persona. Don't descend further. Because one day you will look back at your younger self and wonder why you didn't run like fuck.💐

Thank You Blunt, I don't know who I am anymore. Maybe I'm still human, but I'm certainly not me. I'm intelligent and logical and I've lost myself. I havent even fully admitted it to myself, I'm trying so hard to be strong, to pretend it wasn't abuse.

I know it's stupid, but because I never went to hospital, because nobody ever saw the abuse I can almost convince myself it wasn't real.

I have read the statistic about men who strangle their partners are more likely to go on to kill them, yes. I think it's even more common than men who break their partners bones etc. I read it and shuddered and I still didn't leave, I didn't think that was me. I didn't think I was in danger.

I don't want him back, of course for 5 minutes I would feel my warped version of 'happy' but I know it isn't healthy. My messages weren't trying to get him back, they're trying to get answers, to understand. My head is messed up, I don't know how he could hurt me, how anyone could hurt me, I wouldn't hurt a fly. Aside from him I have truly never had an argument with another person. I don't know why he's done this to me and my family, who are all amazing.

I can't tell my family because I feel it would change the way they view me. They view me as this strong woman, who is confident and opinionated and knows their own mind, I was always such a straight forward person. They think I'm intelligent and funny and loving. I don't want them to see who I am now, broken and empty. I don't want them to know I went back to him after he continually hurt me. I don't want them to think I didn't want to tell them (even though it's true) because I know they would do all they can to help me.

My friend is blackmailing me though She has my mum's number and if he contacts me again and I reply she is going to tell her.

I have been thinking more about telling the police, I am thinking of writing letters to my old neighbours to see whether they would give a statement, they will have heard me screaming, just in case I do decide to go down that avenue.

Thank you for all your advice. I know it's stupid to contact him. I even know while I'm doing it. I've been pretending I'm okay, going to work as normal and keeping myself distracted. I think I'm just having a little crash and I'll be okay again soon.

You will be you just need to stay away from this man. The longer you're away the easier it gets and the fog will clear.

He hurt you continuously. Then he was nice. That's how abuse works. They break you down. Make you think it's you. They you deserved it. That they loved you. Then they do it again and again, until one day you really are just a shadow of a human, begging a saddened police officer not to charge him, because "you love him" whilst both of you knowing it's only a matter of time till the next assault and that one may be the last.

What answers do you need? His abuse shows he never loved you. Contacting him is simply a way to stay in touch with him. To open up the channels of communication.

Your family won't think less of you, in fact they would be appalled if they knew you were not telling them. Tell them. Because it really is likely to be the one thing that will stop you going back there if you're ever given half a chance.

You're young, picking a life of abuse for yourself is very saddening. Do your course. Tell your family and move on. Block him on all devices.

Oh sweetheart. This is so sad to read

I know you don't want to, but I really think it would help to reinforce things in your head to tell your family so that they can support you and help you move forward and heal. It's sounds like you're close to them and they would be 100% supportive of you and from what you said I don't think anyone would think any less of you.

I was with my ex for 10 years and he was a people pleaser to friends and family but a verbally and emotionally abusive angry bully behind closed doors. My family were shocked when I left and were worried about my future but completely understood and supported me when I told them the full story. I didn't realise how miserable I was until I was a few years out. It feels like I was a different person then, he pushed me so much I was a shell of myself and it did take a while to get 'me' back. But once you get that feeling there's nothing that can compare.

I think you could be romanticising him in your head when you're feeling low and remembering the good times, in no way could anything balance how terribly he treated you though. Remember that.

You absolutely should not be hard on yourself. In no way was any of his behaviour your fault. You sound like such a lovely person, you deserve all the support and happiness in the world.

I’ve been where you are, but have fessed up to my family after 21 years of (controlling abusive) marriage. I’m still in it, but my family have been absolutely wonderful. Really really wonderful. And soooo supportive. They had known all along. People are not as stupid as they think they are!

Talk to your family. You’ll find them a HUGE help.

Thank God he left you.

I’m glad you’re doing the Freedom Programme, people always recommend it so I’m sure it will be helpful to you.

I think you should also get counselling/therapy. You mentioned the possibility of getting some through work - if there’s a staff handbook the details might be in there, or you could just ask HR. You don’t have to tell them what it’s for. Alternatively you could call your local Women’s Aid and ask if they offer counselling or can point you in the right direction.

I think it’s crucial for your long term healing and wellbeing that you tell your loved ones about his abuse, but if you don’t feel ready to do that, it’s ok. Just make sure you’re getting the professional support to help you feel ready sooner rather than later.

And block him on everything, delete his number etc so you can’t contact him even if you’re tempted. Don’t contact his family either.

Oh I forgot to also say, you might also find it helpful to read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft.

Thank you everyone, for your help and advice.

I am excited about going to the group tonight, but also extremely nervous. I have a number to ring to organise a 1:1 session to find out any extra support I may need, so that's something I'm going to look into over the next few days. I will also look into that book that has been recommnded, thank you.

As someone mentioned upthread, he too was a people pleaser, to mine and his own detriment. I have been opening up to my family about the emotional and psychological abuse and they can't believe it, they are so shocked.

I need to think less about why he left me, it's irrelevant, I just feel that the way he did it was so cruel and unnecessary. How am I going to trust anyone ever again? I just didn't deserve it. I'm slowly realising that everything he did was for himself or to use against me. He would cook our food and do our washing, for example. But he'd do it without me asking and throw it back in my face, calling me lazy and saying I do nothing around the house (I did)

I remember a stupid argument. He was unemployed at one time and he met me at lunch. He asked what food I wanted and I told him what I really fancied. He picked me up and hed got me the exact opposite to what I asked for (think, I asked for a hot drink and got a cold drink, I asked for beef and got chicken - just the exact opposite to what I asked for) i got in the car and said oh, I didn't ask for that. He went completely mental at me, called me ungrateful, physically forced me out of the car (outside work) and locked all the doors. I left without eating and then i got a text from him, "you could do without the food anyway." I know that's something so petty and small, but it always blew up with him personally and physically attacking me.

Someone else is spot in, I am romanticising the good times. It was a cycle of being 'perfect' and then horrendous, I was clinging onto the person he was when we first met, the person that didn't exist.

I purposefully got a new phone and number so he and his family couldn't contact me. Then I stupidly texted him from it, but he won't reply thankfully and his family haven't got my new number.

I'm sorry for everyone who has been through a similar hard time. It really is just awful.

Anyway, thank you again!

I've just read through all of your posts. Gosh, he's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

You keep saying you want to understand how he could leave like that, how he could act like that. But what you need to understand is why you stayed, when he started acting like that. Because you don't WANT to understand a mind that is so twisted that they will deliberately hurt the person they 'love'. You really don't want to enter into the crazy that is in his head. Just be grateful that he gave you the gift of freedom.

I know that's something so petty and small

Holy God woman! That is not petty or small.

If that happened to me or my mates we would still be telling the story of that crazy lunch guy thirty years later.

In fact, we do all tell each other much milder stories of crazy men we dumped over much much less than that!

What the hell is big if that is petty and small in your mind?