Oh dear MIL really upset me!

[jenwa]

Posted while back about my dd's name being abrievitated. Anyway, had conversation with MIL last week re daughter starting to talk with lisp (19 months) and that it is prob just how she is learning to talk at mo. Anyway MIL argued that dd DOES NOT have lisp and we went back and forth and I said it clearly did not matter if she does as it will get sorted, anyway she continued to say she does not have a lisp and if she does it never hapeens at "Grandmas" Anyway, was really upset after conversation and also how she changes daughters name. DH spoke to her and now she is really upset. Does not think she has done anything wrong and upset that we dont want daughters name abbrieviated but they will still do it!
Emailed her yesterday to say it was not our intention to upset them but just did not want to be argued with about issues concderning my dd and also how I dont want dd name abbr as I dont like it and know a family member with that name and how I was brought up to use a name and not abbr until told by that person (out of respect)
Alos said they were excellent grandparents and looked after dd well.
Had email this am very curt and upsetting, saying this was their name for her since birth, we will contiinue to refer to her as this even though it upsets you and is baffled about the phone conversation that upset me! oh and "we know we are excellent grandparents"!
Emailed back upset saying that is was upsetting to think they could not respect my wishes on dd's name and carry on calling it her even though it upsets me! Emailed be back saying they wanted to call it her as it is special for them and bring backs all the wonderfull memories of her birth (not sure how a name does that and it bloody was not special/wonderful with a 3rd degree tear!)
Meant to be having bbq today and they are coming but now dont want to if we are upset as may get upset if they call her abbrv name when here! Why cant they just call her what her name is.
They are the ones who are upsetting me and if they dont want to upset me then dont bloody well do it then! IT drives me insane and yes I knowitas a name but I have valid reasons and would appreciate them to respect my wishes rather than say tough we will call her waht we want even though it upsets you.
I have spoken to my friend who all think she is being very unreasonable and disrepectfull.
So sorry about spelling on here so quick that not really looking properly and anger fueling inside me!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry - I think you're getting very wound up over very little.

If they are excellent grandparents, surely you can overlook their pet name for your dd?

Next time MIL starts disagreeing with you over something inconsequential (like whether or not dd has a lisp) you could always agree to disagree.

Hmm...I would stop continuing the argument by sending more emails, tbh.
I think it is rude of your ILs to disrespect your wishes by abbreviating your DD's name, but you have raised the issue and they have refused to co-operate, so I think you're going to have to grin and bear it.
They clearly know it winds you up, and I think they are arses for continuing to do it, but I think you need to try really hard not to let them see that you are wound up about it.
Perhaps you could think of a term of endearment for your daughter (we call one of our DCs 'Boo' , for example), and hope this other name catches on within the family.
MILs can be very good at the passive aggressive behaviour when they feel they want to try and maintain a bit of control - call her bluff by saying that it doesn't matter to you anymore, and that you have other things to worry about.
Take the steam out of her sails by being calm and unreactive.
Good luck.

This sounds much more than a disagreement over a shortened form of a name!

It sounds like a full blown battle for control. The call her the full version of her name because I say so. Don't disagree with any views I might have about DD etc etc.

Is control important for you? Is being unquestionably dominant over DD's care so important that you can't tolerate a different point of view?

Is this a battle about DH? Proving he is your husband rather than her son? Is it important for you that he is seen to take 'your side'.

As I say, this is more than just a name, imho, and you need to get to the bottom of why you feel so strongly about such small things before you will find a resolution.

You seem to expect a lot of respect from others, but don't seem to profer much in return.

I really think you need to look at the bigger picture. My MIL calls my DD a truly irritating pet name, god knows where she got it from, but DD knows it is not her name, she won't answer anyone else who calls her that, only MIL, so I think it is a small price to pay.

MIL knows it winds me up but I know I do things that wind her up so it's a fair play off.

I think neither of you wants to back down now as you both think the other one is being disresectful so one of you is going to have to be the bigger person and swallow your pride. And unfortunately it may have to be you, or this could become a very nasty battle that will cost your DD her grandma.

i think you are overreacting, but they are being unreasonable too. accept they will call her the name, but start calling mil george and fil elsie (or similar). see how they like it.

Good lord they are bonkers aren't they? You are not going to win this one I am afraid. How odd of them.

They sound like they would completely drive me insane:

"she doesn't lisp at Grandma's"

I think you will have to concentrate on being very very calm and letting it all wash over you. And trying not to see them very often

With the glorious benefit of hindsight, perhaps you should have called you dd a name that couldn't be abbreviated.

If this is going to be a touchy subject for you, you're going to mad for years, because people will abbreviate names.

You don't have to like the old bag, but I honestly think you should lighten up a little.

Agree that it is a bit silly to fall out over this...MIL is clearly bonkers. Maybe you should abbreviate her name and see how she likes it!

Message withdrawn

yes it may sound petty and no I am not at all a controlling person (dogsbollox)at all. I just was upset that she has actually said some nast things and in the 20 months of having my dd there have been just these 2 disagreements! Why has this anything to do with my dh, I have no control over him and no he is in the middle and clearly wants to be expect when something annoys him. HE understands about the name situation and was the one to talk to his mother about it!

Anyway, it is just the person she is, she want to call her grandson something really strange (notlike his name) and his mother is not happy about that!
She is very controlling if you ask me and the whole family tread very carefully around her so I think maybe it has annoyed her that for the first time she has been confronted about something!Apart from all of the above we have always got on very well but luckily friends of mine have met her and have said afterwards that she can be quiet rude and disagree with matters to make arguements (especially after afew glasses of wine!)

I will rise above it and do know how lucky we are to have them about. I also have my family who are upset about the way she has been towards me but have also said that she is not being very nice, but ignore it. HOpefully when dd old enough she can say what she prefers to be called. That does not bother me at all. I was the same.
If you think I am over reacting please dont as it has just gone on for 20 months now and I have bit by tongue and now DH brought it up with them they ahve turned quite nasty and said they dont care if I am upset!
Nice hey!
Never mind, move on and get today over with (if they turn up!)

by the way, its not so much the shortening of her name, its what they shorten it too I dont like!

I don't think it is worth risking a fall out with your IL's over this. Also, it is your daughter's name and not yours. WHat are you going to do when she grows and up and decides she quite likes the abbreviation herself?

sorry x-posts.

Biting your lip for 20 months is bound to bring up a few surprises eventually

Spagblog is quite right though. Abbreviate her Christian name ... or elongate it if it's already abbreviated.

Go on .... dare you

So is this right, they have been calling her the shortened name for 20 months and you have only now said that you don't like it?

If that's the case I think you will have to just swallow it. Like it or not, that IS their name for her now.

I think if you had a problem with it you should have said the first time they used the different name. But apologies if I have misunderstood.

I remember your previous message about this, and was sympathetic about how you were feeling.

My FIL called DS by his wrong name (added his middle name to his first name) for the first year and a half. It wound me up no end and I got DH to speak to him (eventually - took 18 months of persuading for him to do anything!)

I personally think it is disrespectful of her to not call your DD what you want her to be called. My own way of dealing with it would be to refuse to see them until they could use her correct name, but then I am very obstinate and difficult!

Or, I would call MIL an abbreviation of her name every time she did it to DD.

I don't think it's a control thing; I think you have every right to have people call your DD by her proper name, especially if you really dislike the pet names that others are choosing for her.

Stick to your guns and batten down the hatches for a full-on battle, I say!

I think she (mil) should be allowed to call your dd whatever she wants, within reason.I really strongly feel it's not worth getting het up about. Like you sadi, maybe when she's older your dd will be able to deicide for herself.

I went through something similar with my mil, but it was about her name rather than ds's. She wanted to be caleed 'nanny' which I loathe, I really do. Sorry, I know ther'll be plenty of people here who use it. It's really just a matter of what's used in your family/personal preference. I was brought up with 2 grandma's. So I thought ds would have 2 'grandmas' I really hate nanny and cringe every time I hear or have to say it.

I tried for the 1st month to enforce my preference, did get wound up about it. Bbut came to the conclusion it's her realtionship with him. She considers herself to be nanny, she wants to use it. Why the hell should I call the shots? So I let it go, accepted 'nanny' let her win her little battle.

But still cringe when I have to say it, lol.

I agree with the dogsbollox. OK, you might not agree with her conclusions, but this whole thing between you & mil is MUCH bigger than shortening your dd's name.

Maybe you should spend some time putting the name to one side and trying to work out what it is, then resolving this, or it'll be countless battles but the war will never end.

I do think its a bit of a shock for you to find out they dont really care one bit if you're upset. Especially if you've been trying to keep the peace for a while. But then.....
I also think email arguments have a habit of spiraling into disagreements very quickly as tone and meaning can often be misconstrued.

Jenwa, get your dd to call grandma grandmonster! Friend did it with her ds, it soon put a stop to pet names!!

ofgs... my dad can't pronounce my dd's name at all, so what? most grandparents have a paticular ay of saying grandkids names, or shortened versions.

you might be her mother but she has a right to call her whatever the hell she wants and i do think causing a fuss is out of order.

as for the lisp, every 19 months old has a lisp, they're supposed to. that's probably what she means.... she probably speaks perfectly well for a 19 month old and your making an issue out of it which MIL doesn't see the point of.

they clearly don't have any regard for your feelings if you have said you're upset and they don't care!

this is a battle I don't think you can win I'm afraid.

I would start calling them different names. And probably get dd to call them something that they hate too! They have no regard for your feelings as a parent and seem completely insensitive. Give them a taste of their own medicine!

(btw having a bad day so probably not the most rational or sensible idea! but it's what I'd do!)

Sorry I think you are being very petty.

She probably is too, but she's a MIL, it's in her job description to be a PITA. You can choose to get wound up by it or be a bit more adult than her. Your choice.

hi, you're lucky that your in-laws want to have a relationship with your dd, i have 4 children youngest being 12weeks and my in-laws haven't seen her, they don't phone unless they want something, and i cannot remember the last time that they saw my other children.
my dd2 is hyper-active and we have to watch everything that passes her lips, so everytime we go there mil will give sweets chocolate, coke, even with me in the room saying that she's not allowed that, she not allowed them, the response i get is 'one wont hurt' i think mil were given the sole duty of being evil!! although my mum is really good to my dp and he will even admit it.

I am kind of taken aback by the frequent suggestion that you call them names that they don't like

I mean I really wouldn't appreciate it if people chose to shorten my dc's name to something I didn't like, but that's hardly going to improve matters between you, is it?

Presumably your dd calls your mil and fil by the names they like to use? It's a simple matter of respect for them to call dd by her real name.

When my kids were small, one grandmother was very clear about what she wanted to be called. I respected that, though I didn't like her choice. I would expect my choice to be respected too.