Oh dear MIL really upset me!

[jenwa]

Posted while back about my dd's name being abrievitated. Anyway, had conversation with MIL last week re daughter starting to talk with lisp (19 months) and that it is prob just how she is learning to talk at mo. Anyway MIL argued that dd DOES NOT have lisp and we went back and forth and I said it clearly did not matter if she does as it will get sorted, anyway she continued to say she does not have a lisp and if she does it never hapeens at "Grandmas" Anyway, was really upset after conversation and also how she changes daughters name. DH spoke to her and now she is really upset. Does not think she has done anything wrong and upset that we dont want daughters name abbrieviated but they will still do it!
Emailed her yesterday to say it was not our intention to upset them but just did not want to be argued with about issues concderning my dd and also how I dont want dd name abbr as I dont like it and know a family member with that name and how I was brought up to use a name and not abbr until told by that person (out of respect)
Alos said they were excellent grandparents and looked after dd well.
Had email this am very curt and upsetting, saying this was their name for her since birth, we will contiinue to refer to her as this even though it upsets you and is baffled about the phone conversation that upset me! oh and "we know we are excellent grandparents"!
Emailed back upset saying that is was upsetting to think they could not respect my wishes on dd's name and carry on calling it her even though it upsets me! Emailed be back saying they wanted to call it her as it is special for them and bring backs all the wonderfull memories of her birth (not sure how a name does that and it bloody was not special/wonderful with a 3rd degree tear!)
Meant to be having bbq today and they are coming but now dont want to if we are upset as may get upset if they call her abbrv name when here! Why cant they just call her what her name is.
They are the ones who are upsetting me and if they dont want to upset me then dont bloody well do it then! IT drives me insane and yes I knowitas a name but I have valid reasons and would appreciate them to respect my wishes rather than say tough we will call her waht we want even though it upsets you.
I have spoken to my friend who all think she is being very unreasonable and disrepectfull.
So sorry about spelling on here so quick that not really looking properly and anger fueling inside me!!!!!!!!!!!

I would be very upset too if I were you, but you're going to have to come to some sort of compromise. Just grit your teeth. Your dd will probably put them right herself when she's older in the way that children do -
'Actually my name is ....'(not suggesting that you prompt her or anything!)

Just out of curiosity what do they call your dd if you don't mind saying.

I can see why you feel a bit upset about them using a nickname & that they have said that they will continue to use it, that is insensitive.

Try & ignore it, like other people have said it really isn't worth getting upset about.
There will be other issues that you can save your energy for.

I would say something like so many people have commented on what a lovely name --- (dd) has

what does your little girl call her,say she calls her nanny,well i would say oh here is granny.I know some people think its silly,but if it is upsetting you its not right.I gave my children names we like and i dont like them to be shortend,our youngest is william which i like and he suits,but billy is not nice and that isnt his name,and any one call him it and id say who is billy this is william..she sounds very wilful..Do as the other person said and shorten her name...i would.

My dd has a 4 letter name. Since she was born my Ils have called her by the first 2 letters. Now we do too

Or we call her the first name followed by her second name initial... ot her 2 fore names... she's 5 & half and does not get easily confused! She will answer to almost anything!

I even heard her friend from school call her the 2 letter name last week!

Chill out, it's not hurting your dd one bit if her grandparents want to call her a shortened version, maybe they see it as a special bond they can have with her? Have you told them before you don't like it?

My sister has a Jake & she hates anyone calling him Jakey. I have a friend who has a Jake & she will only refer to him as Jakey! I also have a friend whose son is called Ben & she calls him Benny, yet detests her MIL calling him Benjamen!!

Names are a minefield

You say it's not a control issue but, the last time you were on here, I remember you clearly stating that it wouldn't bother you if your dd wanted to be called a shortened version when she was older. So it clearly is all about a power struggle with your mil. I'm not being harsh but one day, YOU might be someone's mil, put yourself in her shoes, it might help.
And lilimama, read your post back to yourself, wilful!!

Lilimama, if you lived in NI like me, he would be either Billy or Liam depending what side of the city you lived

seems hole is getting bigger and bigger, sorry you are getting pettier and pettier. i remember your previous thread, and felt sorry for you.

I think the post about passive agressive mils is right.

My mil insists on calling my ds by his name in her language. Yep, it does wind me up and yep it is done on purpose. It also goes hand in hand with telling him he's not english but their nationality (26 times in one day when he was 5 weeks old - get them young!)The aim is to get him to drop his english name and use their version (I am but a uterus after all). Very rude given we picked a name that they could pronounce.

BUT - honest to goodness, it makes them look petty and as long as kids don't care and it doesn't hurt don't waste energy on worrying about it.

I also wouldn't use email to battle - nothing ever good comes of it.

Bloody hell, there are some nasty people on here, comeon here to rant my anger and did not do on "am I out of order" as knew I would get "yes"from several people. I am not asking that as I am not at all out of order for asking for something I want. And dont tell me that they can choose her name as it is not their child. They have had 2 of their own who never were given nicknames!

Its not getting petty. I did ask my inlaws well over a year ago that I did not like name and was told "tough we will call her what we like" and "she can decide when she is old enough if she does not like it" Dh has been meaning to talk to them ever since this! (never quite got round to it) he is always on tiptoes around his mother as does not want to upset her!
rantinghousewife- NO its not a control issue! i said I dont mind my daughter being called something different SHE chooses when she old enough but until then it is my choice (whoever decides to shorten it) I bloody chose the name!
PinkTulips - I am not concerned about the lisp! I mentioned it in conversation to MIL and she argued it with me that she does not when dd clearly says "yeth" (yes) and Dipsthy (dipsy) and many other things. I was saying it in a passing comment and she argued it with me. I dont expect anyone to understand as they dont know her, she sees her grandchildren as perfect and that was obviously what she was trying to put accross but it is upsettingwhen you tell someone somethingyour child is doing and they tell you they are not doing that! (it has happened with other issues but I ignore it as I am her mum and know what she is doing)
on funny side thought make get dd to change Grandma (which is waht she wants to be called) Gammy!!! he he, she would not like that! I will say "Oh its a pet name for you so tough!! I could not really do that though, could I
mylittlestar - I am so sorry you are having a horrible time. I have been following your posts and really feel for you. My issuesa re niggling ones, yours make me feel so sad yet feel you are sooo strong. I hope you are ok. Thank you for posting on here though and good distractions for you!
Anyway, she has been here today after not wanting to come incase we were upset if she shortened name (dont do it then!) but all ok. First thing she said was a sentance to me aabout dd and bbrv name (made me think she was dying to say it) I just answered back with dd's full name in sentence. It was funny as when she spoke infornt of me and my mum she said abbrv then corrected herself and said dd's name!
Oh well seems ok today. She came bearing gifts for dd!
I do love her, she is good, she is a massive worrier and anyone who has ever met her completely understands my reasons. My sis in law has been wonderful today and cant understand why mil has been this way but also knows what she is like.
Thanks for those who have been kind, those of you who can say its petty means these things dont bother you but prob things that do bother you dont bother others.We all have our own issues. I just hope you dont come on here looing for reassurance with issues and get jumped on with nasty comments saying how petty you are as it actually makes you feel more crap, so thankyou!

re email thing
Yeh, some hurtful things said but I think considering I got a mouthfall back last year when I spoke to her it was easier to write it in an email so she could not bite my head off in mid sentance. DH spoke to her about it. Very strange though as he had to go through his dad first to make sure all ok. There have been issues in past with family and everyone treats her very carefully now so not to upset her so it all has to be done in a certain way! ANyway she was upset and said she would still go ahead with abbrv name. Thats why I emailed to put it in writing really but she was not so nice on email.
Today was fine. She was lovely all pm and wants me to go looking for houses with her, so hopefully all forgotten.
Also, will put name thing behind me now. Cant change what she says and do feel upset she wont respect my wishes but nothing I can do apart from telling her to stick it up her arse and never see dd again...but I would not do that as she would still refer to her as abbrv name anyway!!! NO all ok now...for now......

i wish i knew 'the' name, and what the abbreviated name is, to get a handle on what bugs you about it.

Cos I was tyhinking about names, and my daughter'sname gets shortened but it sounds natural, and sort of a lazy version of the whole name, and I use it too.

But say, if my daughter was called Katherine, and people were calling her Kate, that would prob grate a bit, if I really liked her to be called Katherine, cos Kate sounds totally different iyswim??

erm, not read previous threads etc but I'd have said all comments on here were pretty mild but you seem very very angry at anyone who disagrees with your pov. makes me wonder if it's just being contradicted that makes you so mad? just a thought

How are you going to feel when teachers, other kids at school, boyfriends, husband, colleagues, call your DD by a different name?

Honestly, the only way to get a name you like, is to choose one where every derivative is one you like. And even then, some fucker will come up with a variation that didn't occur to you and you will hate. That's life, a name doesn't belong to you, like a child, as soon as it comes out into the world other people have an influence on it.

It's a really basic fact of life imo. People who can't get used to that, are destined to spend their lives in a permanent state of irritation.

oh better add, me and my mil have similar issues, with us I'm sure it is the battle for control and being the one who is 'right'. I'm a total control freak.

I've had control issues with my mil aswell, but I recognise them as such which makes the whole issue easier to deal with imo.
Obviously touched a chord there!!

dds name is Lydia and they cal her liddie/liddy/lidde/ they always spell it different.

I dont like Liddy as I told them I have an aunt who I am not at all close to with this name and when we were expecting Lydia we said she was not to be shortened to Lyddy until she was old enough to want to be or decided on Lids or whatever. I think it is the case of knowing someone with a name that you dont want your child referred to.
I except it will change in the future and have no issues with this but until she is old enough then I will continue to stand my ground. Its was drummed in to me as a child that my name was not to be shortened and when friends did my mother corrected them. If they rang for me and asked to speak to me and used abbrv name my mum would say wrong number unless you wanted [full name].

both me and dh dont shorten it and correct people when they do (which actually has only been afew people) most people I know dont shorten names unless they know someone is referred to as something else.

Oh i can see why it irks you

Seriously though - not worth a fight over.

Although do insist on calling MIL "mummy" or "mother" from hereon.

I think that if I'd really, really loathed an abbreviation of a name and knew my MIL was intending to call my child it before my child was born, and I KNEW it would wind me up so much, I might have chosen a different name altogether.

I'm not quite sure why you posted though - just so people would agree with you? MN doesn't work like that, I'm afraid.

Morocco - Sorry, dont mean to come across like that just gets me when some people say its petty and deal with it, why bother posting. If I read someones thread and did not agree, I would at least say it in a nicer way or would not post at all, makes it easier and not turn in to something else. Only as I have seen it happen on so many other posts taht someone asks/states something and someone says they are petty/stupid/nasty etc. I am really not a nast or controlling person. I may have OCD as my husband keeps telling me about tidying but that my only control issue!!!

hunkermunker - prob posted to get off my chest as was really upset earlier and now am shattered!
Never though MIL would change it but it wont matter what any future children are called as she wants to call sis in laws child comething completely diff and that annoyed sis in law so whatever, if next childs name cant be abbrv then it will get called something else anyway!

Liddy would piss me off too

Would have chosen another name.

But MIL would have found another irritating abbreviation, you can bet on it.

hunkermunker - sorry we never knew if baby was boy/girl so obv if girl was going to be called Lydia but never stated to MIL about abbrv name as never though she would. She never really knew all name choices.

giantsquirrelspotter - like your name, made me chuckle!

Why thank you I'm getting used to it and feeling all David Attenborough-ish

Jenwa, my MIL calls DS2 (16mo) an abbreviation I'm not keen on - I don't loathe it, it's just not my favourite abbreviation of his name.

But they so clearly adore one another that I really wouldn't dream of saying anything.

It's about being polite - and I know you say you don't like the abbreviation, but it's really SO similar to her name that I am amazed you don't mind the full version if the relative was so loathsome that you despise the abbreviation so much.

For instance, I used to know a particularly unpleasant Carol. I wouldn't use the name Carol, nor would I use Karen, because it sounds similar. And I had boys, so I'd just have set them up for all kinds of abuse had I called them Carol...