Oh dear MIL really upset me!

[jenwa]

Posted while back about my dd's name being abrievitated. Anyway, had conversation with MIL last week re daughter starting to talk with lisp (19 months) and that it is prob just how she is learning to talk at mo. Anyway MIL argued that dd DOES NOT have lisp and we went back and forth and I said it clearly did not matter if she does as it will get sorted, anyway she continued to say she does not have a lisp and if she does it never hapeens at "Grandmas" Anyway, was really upset after conversation and also how she changes daughters name. DH spoke to her and now she is really upset. Does not think she has done anything wrong and upset that we dont want daughters name abbrieviated but they will still do it!
Emailed her yesterday to say it was not our intention to upset them but just did not want to be argued with about issues concderning my dd and also how I dont want dd name abbr as I dont like it and know a family member with that name and how I was brought up to use a name and not abbr until told by that person (out of respect)
Alos said they were excellent grandparents and looked after dd well.
Had email this am very curt and upsetting, saying this was their name for her since birth, we will contiinue to refer to her as this even though it upsets you and is baffled about the phone conversation that upset me! oh and "we know we are excellent grandparents"!
Emailed back upset saying that is was upsetting to think they could not respect my wishes on dd's name and carry on calling it her even though it upsets me! Emailed be back saying they wanted to call it her as it is special for them and bring backs all the wonderfull memories of her birth (not sure how a name does that and it bloody was not special/wonderful with a 3rd degree tear!)
Meant to be having bbq today and they are coming but now dont want to if we are upset as may get upset if they call her abbrv name when here! Why cant they just call her what her name is.
They are the ones who are upsetting me and if they dont want to upset me then dont bloody well do it then! IT drives me insane and yes I knowitas a name but I have valid reasons and would appreciate them to respect my wishes rather than say tough we will call her waht we want even though it upsets you.
I have spoken to my friend who all think she is being very unreasonable and disrepectfull.
So sorry about spelling on here so quick that not really looking properly and anger fueling inside me!!!!!!!!!!!

god liddy would piss me right off.

its nice as Lydia.

I am polite and dont say anything to her. I jsut answer back saying Lydia when she asks a question saying Liddy.
I feel they are very different names. Lydia and Liddy. My aunt was Tante Liddy (dutch)and my daughter Lydia .

Let go of your Aunt..your precious dd is a new person, and I think it's vitally important that you don't let your hang ups interfere with the wonderful relationship between your dd and her grandparents.

I have issues with my own mother, but I have realised (over the course of 4 years) that in order to seem reasonable, you need to pick your fights. IMO, having a cute pet name for your dd is not the end of the world, and you are in danger of losing your IL's respect for you if you blow up over trivialities.

Jenwa, you can't control what one person calls another - no matter what your relationship is to either person. Lots of people have pet names/special names for their grandchildren (or grandparents for that matter). I think you have to let this go.

Also, if you hugely objected to Liddy was it not slightly asking for trouble to call your daughter Lydia? She is pretty much bound to get called Liddy at some point - if not by her gparents then by her friends at school, teachers, colleagues, whatever!

I think getting your anger out on MN is a healthy way to deal with this - sending your inlaws cross emails probably isn't.

I think if I hated Liddy so much I wouldn't have called my dd Lydia. Seems like such an obvious shortend version.

I don't know why you say there are nasty people on here, I haven't read anyone being nasty to you

It's one tiny syllable different - "a".

Unless you say "Lid-yer" rather than "Liddier"?

I do think that your DD and your MIL will build their own relationship, if allowed - and unless it's abusive, I don't think you ought to interfere. Part of that relationship will be pet names, others will be silly jokes, games, favourite stories, shared memories, etc, etc. I think it's a shame to make that awkward by digging your heels in over her name, a name which you admit yourself you might have to accept in future if she decides she likes it.

Also, I would look at it as a positive thing - so you didn't like your aunt - but your DD is a totally different person and you obviously adore her - so why not have positive images of the name and let go of the negative?

Right, I have the MIL from hell so I feel I can advise. Jenwa, I know it sounds on here that what you are upset about is petty, but if it is against a backdrop of 20 months of her basically being a b*tch towards you, then of course you are wound up. My MIL takes great pleasure in winding me up. THats how she gets her kicks in her sad, empty little life. So, just STAY OUT OF HER WAY as much as you can. If I were you, I would let her see your daughter when you are not there. Drop your daughter off, pretend you have things to do. DO not get emotionally involved with this woman. I read a line that sums up my MIL pretty well; "as long as you are present, she will abuse you", abuse as in undermining comments, criticism, mockery and control freakery. Just stay out of her way. That is what IVe done and I feel so much better for it. THese people <span class="italic">prefer</span> you to be angry at them than ignore them. If you ignore them, you arent giving them fuel for their negative energy. YOu don`T have to make a big thing of it, do it gradually, until you reach a point where you barely have to see her. It is the only way. She will NEVER change.

Sakura thats what i did, took me a miserable year to realise. But it has worked a treat. I let dh do all the phone calls - after it is he who is her son - and try not to be here when they pick up ds. I let ds go over there and play without me. This woman seriously wound me up at the beginning and now the anxiety has gone. totally gone! Its a much better way to live imo and iIm not controlling her relationships with her family at all. It is better for you and dd for you to be happy.

sobernow, i hate people using my full name because my mum used to use it when she told me off! If my dh calls me it i tell him off.
how funny!

When we were looking at names we looked at what they can be abbr or lengthened to - if we didn;t like all the variations we didn't go with that name - indsight is wonderful I know!!!

I love William, however I knew DH family would call him Billy so couldn;t have that name as I don;t like it (no offence to all the parents of Billy's out there - you might not like the names I went with!) any all is OK as both DC were girls, but we went through lots of other names and eventually went with Matilda, though she's known as Tilly or Tills and if she wants to be known as Mattie when she's older that fine too.

So far only one person has come up with a version I didn;t like and that was Tilda - though to be honest it was probably more about the woman who caled her that - I couldn;t stand her!!

I do sympathise with the OP but it sounds like you're fighting a losing battle - it may not be a control issue with you but it sounds like it is with MIL. Ask yourself this question - is it worth ruining what you say is a pretty good relationship with your in laws?

And I agree with the others - find out what version of Granny your MIL hates and refer to her as that - but only to your DD not in front of her!!!! Petty I know!!

Gawd... you really need to let this go Jenwa! In the big scheme of things, it is totally and utterly unimportant.

What is important, is the relationship your inlaws have with your DD - that is what matters. I envy posters on here whose parents and inlaws show such care and love and interest in their children. It is something to be treasured (having had grandparents who had very little interest in my children). For your MIL to think that your DD is so perfect that she can't possibly have a lisp is really sweet and wonderful.

Just treasure the relationship and forget all about this name nonsense, it is irrelevant.

I think grandparents should be able to call their grandchildren whatever they like.

You have to accept there is a special relationship there which bypasses you to some extent.

If somebody tried to stop me using a pet name for someone I would see it as highly controlling. Some of your behaviour will be seen as spoiling for a fight.

She sounds like an argumentative old cow to me and probably gets much more out of getting a rise out of you than she does out of making you happy.
My FIL is a bit this way and I have found (after years of tension) that the best way to deal with it is to just give a patronising silly-old-man kind of smile (practise this one in the mirror) and just say uh-huh or something equally dismissive.
Drives them nuts! Just don't let her push your buttons.
If she's anything like my FIL you'll never get so much pleasure out of saying things like "You are entitled to your opinion of course" or "I'll keep that in mind" with just the right tone of voice to make it clear that you think she is bonkers.

Havent read the whole thread sorry, But..

If it's any consolation my IL's call my dd by their surname, not her surname (which is mine) and also change the spelling of her first name!? why? I think it's because, as they have said themselves, they dont fully approve of dh's choice in dw! He he! If i had known the IL's when i met dh i might not have got together with him!
And it's their way of having a dig and asserting a bit of authority or something... any way we find it very funny that they cannot acknowledge her real name!

I think people get a bit mental when it comest to grandchildren, quite teritorial.

I dont agree that it is unimportant,or silly,if something annoys you.As I said before my son is William and if he was called Billy,i wouldnt be very happy,my fil was called billy so it is in the family but i prefare William. Lydia is a nice name,her name is lydia not liddy,so i can see why she is upset.It reminds me of a lid that goes on a can !! just because she is the granma, it doesnt give her an automatic right to change the childs name,and as some of you say,she shouldnt have had a name that can be shortend,that is rubbish,so therefore we all have to give our children one syllabal names so no one can shorten them..I sometimes shorten my childrens name,like will,which i dont mind,but if someone called him something i didnt like whoever they are,they have no right to think well im going to say this, because i feel i want to,no way,i think everyone tip toeing around her and dh going through his father first shows the kind of person she is,even though you say she is a lovely person,i think she is a bit controlling and as you have stood up to her,she is doing it all the more,knowing it annoys you,next visit when she says hi liddy ,say hi granny wanny,thats your new name lol.good luck..

My mum used to call my dd 'Poppet'. Now, that's not too bad if it's just an affectionate name used every now and then, but she used it as if it was her real name. And her real name is something along the lines of Sophie or Kate or Emily for example. In every card ever written, in every e-mail, every letter and whenever we saw her it was 'Poppet, Poppet, Poppet'. You know, even out at the shops and stuff...we got some really odd looks.
Sooooo, anyway, I made some comments but she took no notice at all. Then we got a rabbit....and we wondered what to call it....then I had a fabulous idea. We would call the rabbit Poppet! And it worked!
My Mum treated me as if I was the weird one calling a sodding rabbit 'Poppet'. Grrr.

I know this doesn't help you much Jenwa, it woul be really obvious if you got a pet and called it Liddy...but might help others out there.

PS Have just realised how similar my posting name is to 'Poppet'. See, it's still in my head all these years later.

LOL Popple

Really some people are extremely control-freaky about names.

I can understand the owners of the names themselves being controlfreaky about them (I once had a friend called Amanda who would thrown a hissy fit if anyone ever called her Mandy), but other people getting upset about it on their behalf - man, that's a lot of stress you're taking on for not much reward.

I havent read the whole thread but I would be fuming by this point. Purely because of your MIL's attitude.

I think it is rude to abbreviate names. If she was named Lydia then Lydia it should be.

Liddy, ffs.

Jenwa haven't read all the posts by other people but I totally agree with you. I have had this the other way round. I was given a name at birth that was never really used by my parents (they used to call me and my sister collectively "you two") I was practising using other names when I was 6. Eventually I changed my name and was a "known as"

I came up against massive problems with my in-laws because I hadn't changed it legally even though my own parents called me by my known as name. I did change it by deed poll and to all those people who don't think a name is important IT IS.

This seems to be a huge control issue for your in-laws and we have had similar battles with my in-laws over things for our children.

My advice would be that if they cannot respect your wishes then you may have to think about not seeing them. It will start with a name and then it will be other issues. If they blatently ignore your wishes with regard to your daughter then you are on a slipperly slope.

It does appear to me to be a generational thing whereby parents somehow feel that you should abide by what they say like you are 7 years old. She is your daughter, you named her Lydia and they should respect that. Maybe you should start calling them by weird shortened versions of their names. I never shorten a name unless someone tells me I can. What is this obsession with shortening a name anyway? And by one syllabel FGS

I am behind you 100% on this one. You have specifically requested that they stop and they haven't, they are now making pathetic reasons as to why. It would seem that your opinion doesn't count. People can be soooo poisionous

Fizzy

Call ILs by other names. LOVE IT!

My in-laws want to call my son by their language version of his name in the hope he'll take it up (they are nasty little nationalists - it goes along with them telling him quite a few times per day that he's a national of their country).

So in future I'll call my ILs lucy and louis and see how they like it.

You're a genius Fizzy

NICE ONE!

Remember as they say in Danish, a sweet child has MANY names.

I think they started out by doing it out of love to your daughter. Now it seems like they are doing it out of spite, because you asked them to stop. You have a good argument for asking them to stop however, they are telling you that your feelings do not come into account. Bad news.

Would you compromise and allow them to give her another pet name?

It just cheeses me off that people think they can rename you. What gives someone the right to change something your parents took great pains over deciding.

Imagine meeting someone and deciding no, I don't like the name you were given I shall call you X.

So why should grandparents get to choose what name we call them, maybe Jenwa should teach Lydia to call them Nanny or whatever version of Granny/Grandma etc they don't like. It works both ways or even better by their first names.

It is just as disrespectful as them ignoring your specific requests to call your child a certain name.

Hi all
Thank you
fizzylemonade
maisemor
bubblymummy
Nbg
lilmamma
Popple (yes was funny with your MN name, I thought that too!) Great idea about the pet name!!

Its nice to know its not just me! Was thinking yesterday that maybe I was not normal but then I would not get so upset if it was trivial. I think
the main point was that I liked the name Lidia, yes i know it will change in the future and yes I am aware grandparents want a pet name but I dont want it to be Liddy and told them from the beginning and they chose to ignore me and tell me "tough". Thats more upsetting.
I just feel upset that something I feel so strongly about my inlaws cant comprimse. I was so upset as never wanted a fall out, angry with dh as he has been meaning to talk to them earlier and hence why it dragged on (he never wanted to upset them) it seems ok for me to be upset though. Its ok for me to get upset yet when his mum upset we have to all forget it and let her carry on calling dd by pet name! Thats what has upset me! MIL said that it was FIl who was hurt in all this yet he says its the other way (i clearly know its MIL and she wont admit it!)
Thank you fot those who are with me on this and thanks for letting me rant. It has actually really got on top of me (not so much the name but the whole arguement now) and everyone is happy and normal now (except me!)