Oh dear MIL really upset me!

[jenwa]

Posted while back about my dd's name being abrievitated. Anyway, had conversation with MIL last week re daughter starting to talk with lisp (19 months) and that it is prob just how she is learning to talk at mo. Anyway MIL argued that dd DOES NOT have lisp and we went back and forth and I said it clearly did not matter if she does as it will get sorted, anyway she continued to say she does not have a lisp and if she does it never hapeens at "Grandmas" Anyway, was really upset after conversation and also how she changes daughters name. DH spoke to her and now she is really upset. Does not think she has done anything wrong and upset that we dont want daughters name abbrieviated but they will still do it!
Emailed her yesterday to say it was not our intention to upset them but just did not want to be argued with about issues concderning my dd and also how I dont want dd name abbr as I dont like it and know a family member with that name and how I was brought up to use a name and not abbr until told by that person (out of respect)
Alos said they were excellent grandparents and looked after dd well.
Had email this am very curt and upsetting, saying this was their name for her since birth, we will contiinue to refer to her as this even though it upsets you and is baffled about the phone conversation that upset me! oh and "we know we are excellent grandparents"!
Emailed back upset saying that is was upsetting to think they could not respect my wishes on dd's name and carry on calling it her even though it upsets me! Emailed be back saying they wanted to call it her as it is special for them and bring backs all the wonderfull memories of her birth (not sure how a name does that and it bloody was not special/wonderful with a 3rd degree tear!)
Meant to be having bbq today and they are coming but now dont want to if we are upset as may get upset if they call her abbrv name when here! Why cant they just call her what her name is.
They are the ones who are upsetting me and if they dont want to upset me then dont bloody well do it then! IT drives me insane and yes I knowitas a name but I have valid reasons and would appreciate them to respect my wishes rather than say tough we will call her waht we want even though it upsets you.
I have spoken to my friend who all think she is being very unreasonable and disrepectfull.
So sorry about spelling on here so quick that not really looking properly and anger fueling inside me!!!!!!!!!!!

Meant like the name Lydia!

Jenwa - just wanted to let you know I have had a very similar situation with my in-laws. They however have taken my ds name that cannot be shortened and made a longer name out of it that sounds better in their language...only problem is that it makes word that really is not in English. After 1 year of trying to be non-controlling and letting it go I asked DH to talk to them about it..I just couldn't live with it any longer. Everytime they said the name my skin crawled and I wanted to scream. Was I being controlling - yes. Do I care - no.....its a small thing for them to change and it has certainly helped reduce the stress factor in our house. IMO Your MIL is being controlling by not being willing to say we understand this little thing is causing you stress and its not worth doing that if we can change something easily. IYKWIM

meant to say they make a name that is really not NICE in English....

After reading what lots of other people have written it really has swayed me from thinking 'just ignore them' to call mil something she doesn't like. She is being insensitive and two can play at the game can't they - is this stooping to her level though or making a point, making a point i'd say

I would make sure your dh will stand by you on doing this too rather than sticking his head in the sand.

What would happen if you called MIL bluff and spoke to FIL about it in front of her, he either has to admit he doesn;t like it and you explain to him that it really upsets you and MIL has said she doesn;t mind but it upsets him or he will say he doesn;t mind and you can say to her welll thats all sorted then - Lydia it is!!!!!

Play her at her own game

sobernow - I wrote that whilst feeling shit so yes used it alot! was writing what I felt - UPSET!

sobernow- that was not an agreesive response to you by the way, just highlighting i was upset!

My DD nearly 7 is called Lily after my beloved Nan. She gets called LIL by all her school buddies.(our other choice was Lydia!)
DS1 nearly 3 is called Thomas and gets called Tom, Toe-mas, Tommo, Tombo by everyone.
DS2 1 and a bit is called Ned. He gets Ned, Neddy, Neddy-boy, Noodle Noo, Noo Noo, Noo by US.
I changed mine and DD surname by deed poll. We are now double barrelled(which I hate). I wanted her to be the same as her brothers for when she started school. My ex DH said I could change it if I added to her original surname, rather than got rid of it.
Now all my kids have my ex DH and my present DPs names.
My in-laws hate it and will not call the boys(their grandchildren) by their name.
Names cause so many problems. I would say tho that you really need to get your DH behind you on this one, otherwise they will think that it is all one sided, which it does seem to be.
never mind he doesn't want to upset her. Its you he will be waking up next to for the next 50 odd years, not her, the old trout.
God I hope my kids can talk to me whether it be criticism or whatever.

I know this discussion is probably over but I've just read it and am cross on Jenwa's behalf. Names DO matter very much, and no-one has the right to decide that they would prefer to call you something different. (It's not the same thing, but there are parallels - I didn't change my surname when I got married, but there are plenty of people who, despite knowing this, insist on calling me 'Mrs Husband's-name' because it's what THEY prefer.)

I can entirely understand that Jenwa is happy for her DD to make a decision for herself about shortening her name in future - but until then, Jenwa and her husband are quite right to say firmly what their daughter's name is and stick with it. It's nonsense to say that you shouldn't give your child a name unless you like every possible permutation of it. I have a friend called 'Elizabeth' who has spent her life successfully resisting all attempts by acquaintances to abbreviate her name - so it can be done!

The bottom line is that it's a question of respect - it's simply not respectful to disregard what people wish to be called (or in the case of a young child, what their parents wish them to be called). And grandparents are no more entitled than anyone else to go around re-naming people.

Jenwa, your MIL sounds like a right handful - you have my sympathy.

smalltowngirl and Treeny - thank you so much. Those posts made me feel better and smalltowngirl PMSL at the old trout bit! She is actually lovely and generous but she hates to be told what to do where her grandchildren are concerned.
Went there today as sis in law dopped her son off then had car probs so went to collect her and her DS2. She went to garage and I was in house with inlaws, my DD, and both sis in laws sons. Her DS2 ( 4months) fell asleep I was in lounge with DD and Nephew (both 20 months) and FIL. MIL went out room and told FIL he could not go out until she returned from kitchen, I said its fine I can stay in lounge with kids, she turned to FIL and said "No Stay here until I get back" I know she is feeling responsable for care of her grandson but I am also his aunt and can look after 2 children in the same room! It makes me angry as I feel she does it on purpose to make out Im crap! I also told DD not to play with dog biscuits then 5 mins later MIl said to kids, lets count the dog biscuits, I for the first time spoke out and said actaully no DD not allowed to play with dog food as it is only things our dog has that DD cant touch as I dont want dog to get nasty etc. She never really listened to my point but actaully did stop them playing. It just annoyed me that she did it in the first placde which was unfair on DD when I had already told her not too! (if that all makes sense!)
Sorry just rambling and hijacking my own thread!!!!
I do love inlaws it is just MIL has some very dd habits and can come accross at times as if me and SIL are not good and dont know anything!

meant - responsible
Sorry type to fast and dont check it!

have read this with interest as i really dislike my own mil! - you mention a few times you love your il's but this seems a contradiction - if your mil is such a cow how can you really love her? she is clearly not great and if i were in your shoes and my mil woudn't leave my nephew alone with me i'm afraid i would want nothing or as little as possible to do with her - i think life's to short to get stressed out over this woman - aslong as your dh loves you and you are happy this is all that matters. personally i find it very stressfull being 'polite' for that sake of it with my mil and much prefer to have minimal contact. good luck!

I cannot believe how heated this discussion is...

Jemwa - I think you are totally in the right. You have explained that you don't like the shortened name, it doesn't matter whether your explanation is rational or not, as it is your duaghter, you should expect her to respect that! I can't believe that she argues back.

Honestly, if it was me I would be considering withdrawing access to my daughter. I know that sounds harsh but this IS a control thing. She knows it upsets you, she could change it, but she doesn't. It has nothing to do with your daughter, it is to do with not respecting you. Any MIL who doesn't at least respect you (they don't have to like you) is a total nightmare... and you need to put your foot down.

I think the best thing to do is to train your DD to say 'I'm not called Liddy, I'm called Lydia' whenever your MIL addresses her in that way. It may cause hell for a while but how many other battles do you want to have?

i wouldnt worry about it, if they love her and look after her well then that is all that matters surely? We sometimes just have to grit our teeth when people shorten our childrens names, cos when they go to school they will pretty much decide for themselves what they want to be called, my DD1 (17) has different names for different social circles, its mad, i dont like any of them and always end up shortening her name to the one i like the least! Chose a name for DD2 that couldnt be shortened, or so i thought, now i do it all the time despite myself.

i can appreciate how inlaws can drive you nuts, dont see much of mine, like them but wouldnt want lots of contact.

How does your DP feel?

My opinion is - life's too short!

This thread has been very interesting and i'm amazed at the different views.

My DS has a name which can be shortened to a VERY popular boys name. DH and I decided early on that we would call him by his full name and he could decide when he was old enough if he wanted to shorten it. And i am TOTALLY with you jenwa, we have it shortened by SO many people, and they often add 'ie' after it too!
It drives me insane and my MIL is the worst culprit - my DH and I really try but they ignore us. It bugs the hell out of me and sometimes upsets me and i've actually given up because i'm sick of fighting.

They actually look at me like its me making a fuss over nothing but fgs its his name, we chose that name on purpose because we liked it, not the shortened bloody version .

Anyway, i'm going to take on board some of the suggestions on here and abbreviate her name because i know it'll REALLY wind her up! [evil devilish laugh from Nip]

blimey

my dd gets different abbreviations from everyone! It had never occurred to me to worry about what other people chose to call her, surely it is their relationship with her and they develop their own little idiosyncracies.

I can imagine I would get short shrift from my parents if I told them what they should call their grandchild.

Still if it bothers you so much then they should bow to your wished I guess.

(though it does bother me when people get her name wrong, her name has an A at the end, there is a more widely used version of it ending in E and I hate it when people get it wrong)

I think they are being very disrepectful and petty and are clearly doing it to wind you up.

What are your inlaws names?

Do tell us and we can help you think of some annoying abbreviations for them!

What does your MIL like to be called? Nana or Granny etc. I know that grandparents often have very firm preferences for titles (my mum hates hates hates gran for example)
so you could always change their titles to wind them up.

Grandma and Pops
Going to teach dd "Gammy and Poo"!!!!!! he he!!!!

Thankyou all.

What annoyed me is when they told me it was a name they had choosen for her since her birth and how it reminded them of a memoriable birth! Well they were not there and if they had have been they would have called her " bloody hell that hurt" as thats what I remember! Also Her name is Lydia and they cal her Liddy so thats a shortened name of Lydia not a name to rmind them of her birth!
I am rising above it all now. Just annoys me but dont want to fall out with them but I think now they realise I am not going to put up with shit anymore and will speak out when it comes to dd. MIL is actually controlling and they all tiptoe around her and she does not like to be told anything so I thnk this may have shocked her!
Anyway, she has been very lovely in the last 2 weeks. They are giving us and dhs family money to go on holiday! Well, its either to get rid of us for a bit or a peace offering?! She is actaully very kind and loving towards children but she has to always be the one who is right. It feels like because she has had children she knows best!
With the name issue I am hoping Lydia will tell her when she is able. Hopefully they will take it on board as they said originally that when she os old enough to tell them what she prefers then they will call her that but until now its Liddy!
Someone joked to me at work that I could if I wanted change DD'sname by depol! Not that I would but could you imagine if I did!!! Change it to something completley different! My Mum is dutch so could come up with something completely wild!! haha!!!

Agree MIL is doing it to wind you up, and it's Not Nice of her. But intrigued by your decision - if you had an aunt you detested called Liddy, why on earth call your daughter Lydia? Did you not think that people may well abbreviate her name?

Edam - Yes, if you read further down thread you will see I have put that I know it will get abbrv at some point but that will be Lydias choice. Until then she is Lydia. I dont dislike Lyddy it is just I did not want it shortened. I explained this to grandparents who obvioulsy ignored that! I know it will get changed when she is older and that is her decision but until then we will call her Lydia.