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Original poster

Question for the OW

94 replies

purplelass · 02/07/2018 21:43

If you were the OW and the 'man' left his wife / got kicked out and you're now with him, are you happy?
Is living with him how you thought it would be when you were sneaking around having covert liaisons?
And knowing he's capable of lying and cheating to someone he loves how do you ever trust him?

OP posts:
Cadencia · 02/07/2018 21:55

OP, I’ve never been the OW, but my advice is to try and put these questions from your mind and focus on yourself and your exH. He’s the one that has betrayed you, not her Sad. Hope you’re ok Flowers

Motherofchickens1 · 02/07/2018 22:00

I'm happier than I've ever been thank you. We are getting married and I love and trust him completely. Life is great and much better than I imagined. We started off as a fling but fell head over heels very quickly.

beachbodyunready · 02/07/2018 22:04

I work with a woman who was the OW and was instrumental in the man who also works with us leaving his wife and three very young children, I really dislike what they did and although I'm professionally polite I really truly dislike them both.

housewifedesperate · 02/07/2018 22:05

Motherofchickens.......ew

Nellia · 02/07/2018 22:08

sorry canencia but your response is a load of nonsense. Any woman who knowingly pursued a married man is just as responsible as the man is.
Saying she carries no burden is like saying someone who knowingly purchased stolen goods of a thìef shouldnt be charged.

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2018 22:10

Motherofchickens1 - smug much? 🙄

Motherofchickens1 · 02/07/2018 22:10

Ew ........ ? What do you mean?

Motherofchickens1 · 02/07/2018 22:11

Ginger not smug at all. The op asked if as the ow I was happy. I answered honestly

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/07/2018 22:17

I'd imagine in the love haze they believe he won't cheat on them but a leopard rarely changes their spots.

Quite how anybody could be with someone who cheated at the start of the relationship is beyond me. Who wants that as a prize.

Taylor22 · 02/07/2018 22:21

I have a friend who left his partner and children for his OW who he'd been having an affair with for years. They are now married with a baby of their own. She was also married.
They are very very happy.

It does happen. But that shouldn't be a factor in your grief or recovery. If you focus on their happiness you will lose out on your own.

MistressDeeCee · 02/07/2018 22:22

It's so boring when women absolve other women of blame, when it comes to being with married men. As if women are automatons incapable of free will.

Both are to blame. You don't have to help someone break their vows, you don't have to help them break up their family, have their cake and eat it. It's not compulsory.

I've known friends be the OW, in some ways I can understand how it's happened, especially in one particular scenario.

But of those who stayed with the men - no, it isn't happy ever after. Seems it's a 7 year itch - in 1 friend's case, 15 years..& she's now a ball of suspicion that he's met someone else.

Of course I think, but - what's your issue, you met him in the same way...! Why are you worried if he's cheating?

I wouldn't tell her that though. It's her choice to make a fool of herself and not recognise once a cheat always a cheat.

Even if never caught, or caught years later then that's how it is. Why don't OWs just live with it. I don't see the big deal.

OP if you're asking for personal reasons - if you're not the type to want to share a man then at least you've had a lucky escape, whether you or he did the leaving. It may hurt for now but trust that it won't forever. You'll be ok eventually and be glad to be rid of all the disruption. Do stuff you like, look after yourself, and make a conscious effort to move on even when you don't feel like it.

Original poster
purplelass · 02/07/2018 22:25

Just to clarify, I'm not dwelling on it and this isn't an angry post. It's just coming up to an anniversary and got me wondering...

OP posts:
SaveBandit · 02/07/2018 22:26

My SIL was the OW when my brother was engaged to someone else. Obviously they stayed together and got married etc but she doesn't trust him completely because she knows he is capable of lying and that he has friends who will cover for him.

I used to be so close to my brother but because he told his ex he was out with me on several occasions when he was with OW, SIL used to be constantly calling me with odd and random questions to ask him whenever I'd see my brother incase he was lying.

Motherofchickens1 · 02/07/2018 22:26

I'm a bit tired of the sanctimonious twaddle on here about affairs. All relationships are different and you can't possibly judge a person based on whether they had an affair. There is a huge difference between someone who has regular affairs and lies to both spouse and ow/om and the person who strays whilst in a miserable relationship and immediately finishes that relationship. But go ahead with your tunnel vision and hoik those judgey pants if it makes you feel better.

category12 · 02/07/2018 22:28

A relative had an affair and the man left his wife for her and they got married. They were happy together until he died.

userxx · 02/07/2018 22:30

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Original poster
purplelass · 02/07/2018 22:31

There is never justification for cheating motherofchickens
If a relationship is so bad that someone is looking elsewhere they should have the good grace to finish it before starting a new one. It's that simple.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 02/07/2018 22:32

Never really trusted him and with good reason. Anyone who does trust 100% is deluding themselves.

Japanesejazz · 02/07/2018 22:33

I have a friend who was OW he left his wife and children. They were happily married for 20 years. Then he left her for a woman he had known for 3 weeks. That was 3 years ago, the new OW thinks she is living the dream. And she is until the next OW comes along. Although she may be the one, just like my friend was for the first 20 years.

Gottokondo · 02/07/2018 22:36

What do you want to get out of this thread? Because it sounds like you want the ow to have a terrible time but if you were happy with your partner then she probably is now too.

I firmly believe in karma, it takes years but most people who do nasty get nasty back in life. Although not always how you expect it. And if they become unhappy you will be the last person to know.

The best revenge is to get yourself a happy life OP. I hope you do. Thanks

GlitterTit · 02/07/2018 22:38

I know two different people who were in very unhappy marriages and left for someone else.

Both couples are very happy, one married 40 years, the other 10.

Like another poster said there is a massive difference between a serial cheater who loves and wants to stay with the person they're cheating on and someone who is unhappy and falls for someone else.

greendale17 · 02/07/2018 22:39

I'm a bit tired of the sanctimonious twaddle on here about affairs. All relationships are different and you can't possibly judge a person based on whether they had an affair.

^Well @Motherofchickens1 considering you were the OW you would say that wouldn’t you? And by the way, I will always judge a person if they have an affair

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/07/2018 22:39

There is a huge difference between someone who has regular affairs and lies to both spouse and ow/om and the person who strays whilst in a miserable relationship and immediately finishes that relationship

No difference whatsoever. Both cheated. If a person is unhappy they can leave without having someone waiting in the wings.

userxx · 02/07/2018 22:39

@purplelass it doesn't happen very often though does it. Most men and a lot of women won't break away from one before another is lined up. It's pathetic that someone can't be on their own.

MistressDeeCee · 02/07/2018 22:40

Motherofchickens we aren't all judging. I wouldn't bother pointing the finger at an OW.

I just see nothing special at all about being an OW. All you're doing is accepting crumbs of time from man really, then seeing him as a prize when you've finally got a cheat permanently on board with you.

Same as the friends I mentioned, I find OWs tend to make their relationships sound like paradise. It sounds false, all that intimated idyllic stuff.

Everyday relationships between grown people just arent akin to loves young dream/star-crossed lovers. Maybe that's why I find it a bit cringe. Although I suppose the newness of finally being together properly is nice

Fair enough you were only answering the question tho but this is MN, an internet forum, where people will comment on your reply even if it's not your post. A place to be fed up, for sure