Question for the OW

[purplelass]

If you were the OW and the 'man' left his wife / got kicked out and you're now with him, are you happy?
Is living with him how you thought it would be when you were sneaking around having covert liaisons?
And knowing he's capable of lying and cheating to someone he loves how do you ever trust him?

Believe me in this tragic triangle you are the best vertex. Cherish this...

Thank you, It turned out the OW was being cheated on by her DH at the same time she was cheating with mine, so I have held the moral high ground from the start

Fwiw I have been the wife to a man who cheated. I trusted him, I must have done because I married him. We all trust our partners otherwise we wouldn't be with them. It took a long time to trust this one, not because it was an affair, but because of my devestation at the end of my marriage. We are in our 50s, older wiser and as someone else said we communicate totally. 99% of people are susceptible to having an affair. It can happen when you least expect it and it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.

I wasn't the OW, my DH had an affair when he was married to his exw. The affair with the OW lasted a year, which resulted in him leaving . DH said he didn't leave the exw due to the OW however I don't know and really it doesn't impact on me. However the exw treats me as the OW even though the divorced process had started. The divorce was very high in conflict. In fairness I don't believe the exw wanted to be the ex and still hasn't come to terms with the marriage ending.

I think any relationship where there is an exw and children ... the new partner / wife will be viewed by the ex as the OW unless the ex is in a healthy place and it was her decision to leave.

In my xh's case he is with ow because I threw him out, and he spent a long long time asking to come home. OW doesn't know this of course, she thinks she was chosen and I'm not going to tell her otherwise

This is almost the scenario happening with my work friend except she's now found out and is so very upset and bitter.

I find it hard being in touch with her as she now only has a 1 track subject and it's become tedious.

If you cheat with a MM then later he tries to get back with his ex (the one he fell out of love with, hadn't had sex with for years, was crazy, whatever the story that got you to sneak around with him) or cheats with someone else - why is the OW aggrieved?&/or surprised or upset at history repeating itself?

It surely can't be because he said "I love you"; he'd have said that to his wife too.

Leaving him for cheating would be ironic, wouldn't it.

Perhaps it's indicative of life. Plenty of people will want to share in what another has. They themselves aren't of a sharing nature though.

I've nerve been there but had a friend who was and whilst she now appears happily married except she appears overly happily married which frankly rings alarm bells
For me.....

Could you really trust someone who started the relationship with cheating ???

The issue I would have is that you are with someone who sees cheating as a valid response to a relationship problem.

It's one thing to have a brief fling, end it, be remorseful and work out why this was a path you chose, regardeless of whether you stay in the marriage or not

It's quite another to feel unhappy for years (as so many appear to claim), do nothing to make it better nor end the marriage and then have an affair because it's easier than making any real changes. Pretty passive and weak to rely on someone else to force you into making changes that you should have made years before so they you end up making your move in the most painful way possible.

What I love about this thread is the Other women justifying their actions.
There is no reason to be the OW, there is no reason to cheat.
If you have lost love, or lost the spark and these are important to you - move on! Do not be dishonest and disrespectful by cheating.
The OW are here saying 'oh yes, we are happy, we realised where our past relationships went wrong' etc. Does it ever occur to you that one day your Dp could wake up unhappy and go and cheat on you...whilst you are still having a sexual relationship.

The worst thing is you all seem very happy with your decisions to have an affair. To hell with who gets hurt! Cos you just can't seem to think beyond your sexual urges - yes it becomes love but lets face it, it is lust first. How can your feelings trump a childs feelings?
I love cheaters, they justify their dishonesty with so many little things they have to tell themselves! No! You're a selfish person...end of!

I wasn't the OW woman but I was the spouse that left

I ended the marriage because of the horrific toxic relationship and the effect on the kids BUT I have enough self awareness to admit I had also fallen for my DP

Nothing had happened and I tried extremely hard to avoid EA as well...but if I'm honest I had started to have feelings for him and he for me

Are we happy? I think it's a complex question...yes is the biggest answer but some pp are right...there is a level of suspicion ....dp knew I was married and I knew that he would have made a move if I had green lit it...like any other relationship we have to work on our relationship

And yes ...although we didn't have an affair my interactions with him were tinged with similar feelings....speaking to him whilst making a coffee at work would give me butterflies and if I'm honest it did add some excitement in the he'll hole I was in

Of course real life isn't like that and nothing happened between us for months after I left the marriage and he didn't meet the children for 18 mths

I was clear with him...real life is hard...if it was a fling then fine but if not then he had to be prepared

It's not sunshine and roses and anyone who claims it is is either lying or deluded...when the attraction started before a marriage ends there will always be some issues

But am I in love ?yes and more than I ever was with Exdh, do I regret leaving ? No it was not a healthy marriage for my children to grow up seeing....ive asked DP and he does ultimately know that I left my marriage because it wasn't working and hadn't been for a long time, I didn't shag the first guy I saw,I fell in love ,had done nothing like it ever before and wouldn't ever again

It's never black and white and never simple...yes we are happy and yes we love each other and all parties get on well now...but it took work and being adult to get there

For all the people who judge...crack on but you identify yourselves as extremely short sighted..no two marriages are the same and no two people are the same

I read somewhere, and I realise this is vague and cannot be corroborated, but I read it and it stuck with me : married people who are genuinely miserable and desperate to escape will do so within four months of meeting ow/om. For every month that passes after that, it is less likely that s/he genuinely wants to leave or is being truthful about the intolerable state of the marriage.

So why affair partners stick around, crossing their fingers for years, I don't know.

Or accepting them when the affair is discovered and their hand is forced.

It's sad isn't it, that some people will just wait and wait, bending reality in front of their faces to match their world view.

I think that people who have been cheated on like to think that history will repeat itself and their ex's will definitely cheat on the other women. It is understandable as it seems unfair that some people get to cheat and then go off into a brand new relationship leaving the person who didn't cheat heartbroken. However, life isn't fair. Some people behave terribly and then go on to a relationship that they are happier in and never cheat.

I just think a lot of people want to have their cake and eat it. That's why many don't bail out until they are caught, or turfed out

I've no moral stance on the cheating aspect particularly, as Im of the mind human beings are not swans, naturally inclined to be with one mate for life. Hence all the difficulties, divorce, sneaky affairs. People get bored, jaded, restless. Not everybody, of course. But a good number of people.

I roll eyes when it's presented as some big happy ever after story with the 2 people who've now found each other, in each other's thrall forever.

Looking at the relationship and the stepmum boards of MN even if you didn't see it around you in real life, how many are on there moaning as Prince Charming who they've married, can't leave his ex alone to live her life?

Once you're past mid-20s it's not loves young dream anymore, and starting relationship from a cheating aspect must have an impact iff not immediately, then eventually. But you'd never know as it's all sweetness and light talk in the main

I was the OW (very briefly just for about 3 months). He/We decided we wanted to be together within 2 weeks of our first kiss. We always claimed we were not the reason for leaving our respective marriages. It was not even a very sexual affair and we definitely didnt like to hide at all.

Are we happy? We sure are. Is his ex happy? Definitely not she literally hates me. Is my ex happy? He’s mostly ambivalent by now.

has our life together been as we expected? yes, for the most part it has been. Of course tehre’s the massive fallout that it has had on his DC (mostly DS). I’ve been publicly shamed....

BUt in the end every morning seeing his smile has made it worth it. I get his ex’s pain, I really do it must be heartbreaking. but there’s nothing I can do to fix it now. And in her own words, even if we had waited she would had always blamed me.

BUt in the end every morning seeing his smile has made it worth it. I get his ex’s pain, I really do it must be heartbreaking. but there’s nothing I can do to fix it now.

Gosh you're all heart, aren't you?

For all the people who judge...crack on but you identify yourselves as extremely short sighted..no two marriages are the same and no two people are the same This is very true.

Affairs are relationships and can't be lumped together any more than any other set of relationships can. No two relationships are the same as no two people are the same.

As ever when this topic arises there are some who cannot separate their own experience from that of others, who are unable to do anything but project.

It is interesting though that it's never those who have been in an affair relationship (whether already partnered themselves or not) and are happy/won't cheat again/etc who insist that all affair relationships are like theirs.

I don't know how anyone can seriously trot out stuff like 'marrying the mistress creates a vacancy', 'once a cheat, always a cheat' and so on.

MistressDeeCee It may not be 'loves young dream' past mid-20's but it can be loves middle-aged dream. You're right that there are impacts but they're not necessarily what's been stated so far. For me the impact was at the start of our relationship because of the guilt he felt, we had to work that through.

I genuinely think his XW is better off without him, she deserves someone who would never dream of cheating on her. Which takes me onto that rubbish about seduction. If you're genuinely committed to someone can you be seduced? No, you have free will to refuse or you've got absolutely no interest anyway. If you've only been faithful because nobody seductive enough has come along then how is that a good thing?

I've never been an OW but we were out for dinner recently with a married couple where is began as married man and OW. They have now been married for five years, have two DC and are very happy. I never knew the man's ex wife. He did tell my husband that he should have ended his first marriage long before he did as he wasn't happy but it took meeting someone new to give him a reason to go.

It's hard because no two situations are the same, some affairs will turn into long happy marriages and others won't.

You know what honestly, I think it depends on the man and OW etc.

I have a friend whose husband appears to be a serial cheater (she stays with him). I think if he left for another OW then of course he would cheat on her aswell. Its who he is (bastard). Similarly (sorry for spelling) I did know someone who was a genuinely nice guy and he fell in love with the OW due to an emotional affair and they are still together and seemed very happy.

So basically I think its all dependant on who the people are.

I try hard not to judge, I think karma does come back around like others have mentioned and I sorely hope it does on my friends husband. However I have hope and prayed before that she could meet a nice man that would give her the confidence to leave him, so if she announced she was having an affair I would be happy for her. I know that's wrong and I am sure people will be cross, she should be able to find her own strength but I don't think she can. (OP sorry for going off on a minor tangent then)

Mustang I said one thing you've mentioned eg impact, but the rest of what you've said related to what someone else said

Personally, I would find it very hard to be the OW (whether the relationship proceeds to being exclusive or not) . I think it takes a certain type of person to accept being second best , even if it's for a short period of time.
When I was in my early 20s married men coming on to younger , single women were considered to be pathetic and were laughed at. I suppose it's a matter of self esteem too. A confident, self pocessed woman would see the situation for what it is and if she felt genuinely attracted to the MM would say to him to come back when you're single.

I think Motherofchickens has had a name change. The lack of morals, gramma, spelling and so on reminds me of another poster.

One problem on these topics is difference of opinion is always seen as 'judging'. I don't care either way about cheaters. I do know having some guy sneak me around, hide me from his family mates colleagues etc wouldnt be a turn on ever for me.

I simply think that OWs tend to be dismissive of the wife and talk as if the man is a dream come true. It's ok to be with a man who's cheated if that's your thing. Hearing it described as if it's some kind of achievement is a bit cringe tho.

My DSis was the OW. She did marry him. He's not that nice to her child tho. & at times a pita to her. When they were secretly courting tho, he was brilliant

But as said you don't hear these stories. There's pretence that it's all magical now as he's happy with his true love and vice versa.

It's true every relationship is not the same. But no way will I believe 2nd time around affair love is as lovely as it's made out to be. All relationships have hurdles.

Yes all types of relationships, all types of people. You only have to look around you, or at reality tv such as Love Island, to know that there are predatory people who delight in prising couples apart but also decent people who behave badly and regret it or do everything they can to minimise the impact.

But I still maintain that, when getting into a relationship with a cheat, the only thing you know for certain about them is that they are capable of lying, cheating and betraying in pursuit of what they want.

Anything else you think you know is just words coming out of their mouth, maybe true, maybe not. But you do definitely unequivocally know that they're a liar. If you can live with that failing, or carry the trait yourself, or overlook it because you want to for whatever reason, or think they'll never lie to you, then good luck to you.

periwinkle I can imagine 'my' ow writing what you have. She and me ex are married and as far as I know very happy. Perhaps though they would be less so if it was them being woken several times a night by very distressed and damaged children, or having to answer difficult questions about why they always have to miss one or the other of their parents. You brush over the distress caused by your actions in one sentence but it will last years. I don't personally get how you can revel. In your happiness knowing that it came at such expense.

Because she doesn't give a flying fuck about anything except her own selfish desires, and doesn't care who she hurts, HugeAckman. I'm very sorry that you and your children have had to go through this.

Thank you. I can honestly say that a few years on I am totally fine, new life, new relationship etc but the kids really aren't OK and for that I can never forgive either of them. I am all for happy relationships but you don't get to do star crossed lovers crap when there are children to consider.