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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Question for the OW

94 replies

purplelass · 02/07/2018 21:43

If you were the OW and the 'man' left his wife / got kicked out and you're now with him, are you happy?
Is living with him how you thought it would be when you were sneaking around having covert liaisons?
And knowing he's capable of lying and cheating to someone he loves how do you ever trust him?

OP posts:

GorgonLondon · 03/07/2018 15:24

Huge Funny you should say that. I have never been in the position of being cheated on, but my dad was a serial philanderer and had several affairs while we were children. My parents are still together and reasonably happy in their old age, but it has had lifelong repercussions for us (their children).

I'm so glad things are better for you now.

Periwinklethekittycat · 03/07/2018 15:30

Wife I know that it was also because how it was dealt with by my DP’s ex. And yes, I know we’re both to blame here, but she could have handled things better (and I’m not saying this, counsellors and mediators have said the same).

My DP’s ex SIL said in no uncertain terms “I’ll make your children hate you” and that’s what she did, and her sister (so my DP’s ex) let her do it.

On the other hand, my DD has been very well adjusted and although I’m, sure there are things. That she won’t tell me, my exH has never bad mouthed me at all. We’ve always considered my affair had nothing to do with my own parenting skills.

Six months down the line, everybody on my the BS’s side kind of regret their initial actions as they’ve seen that a) that didn’t give them any comfort and b) they’ve helped damage even further a child who was not dealing with his parents situation that well to start with (my DP moved out before he came clean) and even then his DS decided he didn’t want to see him again.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/07/2018 16:01

Wow. So the wife who has had her family blown apart gets the blame for fucking up the kids?? I can't speak for your case but I certainly know that in mine I have, through gritted teeth been positive and kind about ex and ow, I have bought 'best dad ever cards' on their behalf on Father's Day.

I do agree that some of the damage done can be exacerbated by how both parents handle it but you clearly have zero empathy or understanding of the bomb that was detonated in her life.

GorgonLondon · 03/07/2018 16:03

Periwinkle My mother never said a bad word about my father - indeed she kept all of his infidelities secret for years - and although I love him very much, I think what he did is unforgivable.

At least he didn't leave us though, and he was remorseful.

It's beyond disgusting that you blame your partner's sister in law for how his children feel about him, rather than HIS - and your - actions.

You could at least take some responsibility for your behaviour and its impact on the children caught up in it, rather than trying - ridiculously - to blame people who played no part in it at all.

Sickening.

yousawthewholeofthemoon · 03/07/2018 16:17

Previous poster niteandfog isn't known for her empathy.

GorgonLondon · 03/07/2018 16:18

OHHHH is that who she is??

LoisSanger · 03/07/2018 16:19

XH is married to the OW - they’ve been together around 9 years now and married for 4 years. I think they are better matchd than he and I were and I’d rather they were happy and stayed together tbh.

Some people do find my attitude a little surprising though

RickOShay · 03/07/2018 16:36

Like Gorgon my dad was a a serial cheater. He was with the OW while my mum was having chemotherapy.
In the end he didn’t need to divorce my mum because she died. The OW played hostess at her funereal
and they married 6 months later.
It didn’t last.
It has had a huge impact on my relationships with men.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/07/2018 16:37

Ah NiteandFog.. Of course! Well I'll stop trying now then, having read previous. Going back to the OP of course there are affair relationships that do end well for the couple involved but depending on many other factors, most crucially the absence or presence of children, the happiest ever after in the world does not compensate for the betrayal and hurt caused.

Mustang1969 · 03/07/2018 22:10

@MistressDeeCee

Mustang I said one thing you've mentioned eg impact, but the rest of what you've said related to what someone else said

Yes, I know, I didn't intend to imply you'd said the stuff before I mentioned you - apologies if that's how it reads.

Alaaya · 03/07/2018 22:18

My mum was the OW. I always remember her and my DF being completely devoted - properly in love until the day she died. He talked about her lovingly and often said how much he missed her until he died too, quite recently.

I know this is a really contentious issue on MN and I know affairs do cause awful pain and I don't mean to ignore that. But the OP asked.

SpiritedLondon · 03/07/2018 23:54

Why is it always about the other woman and not the other man ? Women are unfaithful too .... I know at least 2 married women having affairs at the moment. The idea that men are the philanderers and other women are a special breed of slag / slut ( both terms I’ve read on MN for the OW) is ridiculous. It’s just people - muddling along - getting it wrong, making mistakes, fucking up, being dicks or being human depending on where you stand on the argument.

MistressDeeCee · 04/07/2018 01:16

That's ok Mustang 🙂

MistressDeeCee · 04/07/2018 01:18

spirited London because the OP posted about ExH and his OW so that's the focus.

karenna · 04/07/2018 07:49

name changed for this.

I was the OW. The usual tale, desperately unhappy. My OH wouldn't let me leave despite my efforts, we were even living separately.

I'm with the OM now . Have been for a few years and we are "fairly happy". However nothing prepared me for the fallout. It affected literally everybody. My entire family, friends, children etc. I kept going for a year before I had a total mental breakdown with the stress and huge huge guilt.

I'm as happy as it's possible to be now, and trying to get on with my life. Ive got some very good, supportive friends and family. My ex cocked up a bit too (had to involve the police) , though nothing like on the scale I did, and it's testament to him that we can be friends now, we have children together.

It's a terrible thing to do. I have days now where I'm still wracked with guilt. I doubt it'll ever leave me completely.

I don't recommend it!

karenna · 04/07/2018 08:14

Sorry, I should say - in terms of his ex - she was furious. However, they'd already split up by the time we were 'out' - and it transpired that she'd left him because she'd been having an affair with her ex - who she was by this time in a relationship with. She was still incredibly hurt though. Made him fight to see his children.

Several thousand pounds and a court date and we got there.

There are no winners in these situations.

Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 10:37

I want to know this too, my partner of 6 years has just left me for a girl of 19 he knew for a few weeks. They snuck around behind my back. How can you start a relationship like that?

Periwinklethekittycat · 04/07/2018 17:40

Gorgon I never blamed her entirely I just said that she had some of it to answer for. I have zero respect for her when she’s assaulted me both physically and verbally (at the school gates) and has vandalised my property. I even have a restraining order against her. I know it was what we did that gave their mum act the way she did. but the hate she has for me and wehatever they all keep doing to me won’t undo many of the damage we’ve caused, it will just fill their lives with hate.

SilverDoe · 04/07/2018 18:28

I understand Periwinkle

I can't imagine the hurt of being cheated on if you are wanting to stay with your partner so perhaps it is naïve of me to comment, but there are resident parents who act appallingly after an affair in regards to the children. I've seen women use them as what they perceive to be the ultimate weapon against their ex, and there is no justification for it I'm afraid. Even your ex being a cheating lying bastard is no excuse for not only not helping protect your child from the fallout, but actively damaging them as some kind of vindication while you work through your own feelings.

My DH has a very similar sounding ex to yours - physically attacking me on site and pouring all of her energy for years into hate and vitriol and aggression. I wasn't even the other woman!! And she knew that he didn't want to be with her at all but had made threats which backed him into a corner, he felt (basically making herself seem so unstable that if he left her, their son would not be safe).

The poster who argued with Periwinkle expressed exasperation at her post and mentioned being polite through gritted teeth, buying father's day cards etc. That's no comparison to how some women behave and it's not fair to berate another poster for being the OW in a completely different situation.

That brings me to the OP - I have neither cheated nor been cheated on so I have a fairly neutral perspective. I think that there are no generalisations to be had, I'm sure they are just as varied as relationships that started without affairs. It's hard to ask someone if they trust their partner 100% or to quantify it like that, because nobody, OW or not, can claim to know another human being inside out, nor can you foresee every circumstance in life that could result in such behaviour.

So really, I don't think it's cathartic to reflect on anyone else's relationships, as there aren't really any answers to be had that anybody without intimate knowledge of the situation could ever answer.

Hope you're doing okay OP

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