Question for the OW

[purplelass]

If you were the OW and the 'man' left his wife / got kicked out and you're now with him, are you happy?
Is living with him how you thought it would be when you were sneaking around having covert liaisons?
And knowing he's capable of lying and cheating to someone he loves how do you ever trust him?

What do you want to get out of this thread? Because it sounds like you want the ow to have a terrible time

Not at all! Sorry if I've come across as bitter, I'm really not, and I actually get on OK with the OW.
I'm really happy with my divorced life and honestly just wondering if she's genuinely happy too.

It's you that feels the need to talk OP. No need to apologise or explain yourself to anyone. Some people would have you shut up and internalise everything. Why should you. God forbid we should all think and be the same.

Women get taught to internalise because they fear the "bitter" label as if it's the black death or something🙂

I hope you really are ok

I was accidently the OW years ago (I genuinely didn't know he had a partner anymore) he had a kid with her but had said they'd split up. When it came out that he had actually been with her for a lot longer than he led me to believe (at this point I was living with him and they were actually split up now) I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and low and behold he had an affair... with my sister!!

No doubt this will descend into the usual bunfight but I'll be honest, here goes...

If you were the OW and the 'man' left his wife / got kicked out and you're now with him, are you happy?

He left her (they had no kids), she is 10 years younger than him, I am his age and have three children (I say this to show that I'm not the younger childfree woman people typically think OWs are). We are together and we are very happy.

Is living with him how you thought it would be when you were sneaking around having covert liaisons?

We don't live together, yet (partly we're taking it slowly because of my children). I didn't have a set view of how it would be to be able to spend more time together, I just wanted to have the opportunity to find out what it would be like to have a 'normal' relationship. After he left we started 'dating', it wasn't a foregone conclusion that we would have an ongoing relationship.

And knowing he's capable of lying and cheating to someone he loves how do you ever trust him?

This will sound harsh but he didn't love her. He cared for her after being together for over 20 years (he still does). They had become friends not lovers.

I trust him because we communicate - neither of us did this well in our previous relationships. We've learned from our mistakes and are open and honest with each other including about things that are difficult to talk about (of which there have been many).

We both acknowledge that if we'd done this in our previous relationships then maybe things would've been different. But we didn't and they weren't.

We are different people now and are determined not to make the same mistakes.

We don't live together, yet (partly we're taking it slowly because of my children). I didn't have a set view of how it would be to be able to spend more time together, I just wanted to have the opportunity to find out what it would be like to have a 'normal' relationship. After he left we started 'dating', it wasn't a foregone conclusion that we would have an ongoing relationship

Sounds logical.

I still feel there's potential for cheating at a later stage tho. When the OW too becomes the "comfortable friend". But it is what it is I guess

It's more so the stories where the OW and newly free MM move in together straight away, that I'm sceptical.

Obviously things are going to change, it's not the old situation it's a new one. I wouldn't think a man who'd go from 1 woman straight into living with another, as anything special. Just a man who can't function independently even for a while. That's "be wary" territory

I'm in a relationship and an OW through an affair. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Camilla and Charles seem to be doing ok!

Yeah C&C are doing just fine, that's true. When you're rich royals it's easier to be in complete IDGAF mode isn't it😂

wastatnowthin well..that's realistic I guess!

It's more so the stories where the OW and newly free MM move in together straight away, that I'm sceptical. Yep!

I still feel there's potential for cheating at a later stage tho. When the OW too becomes the "comfortable friend". But it is what it is I guess Hope this isn't regarded as bad taste but we're in our late 50's so we do joke that this relationship has more potential than any others we've had to last the rest of our lives. Anyway, 'comfortable friends' might be what we're after in 20 years or we might still be active lovers. Either way, I'm as confident as it's possible to be (nothing's 100%) that we'll work our way through it.

Yeah C&C are doing just fine, that's true. When you're rich royals it's easier to be in complete IDGAF mode isn't it Both points very true. I like C&C. I think 'good for them'. (Liking the concept of IDGAF mode).

Fair enough Mustang. There's a lot to be said for companionship as far as Im concerned.

Surely it would be the same as any other relationship? It might work, or it might not. Just because someone had an affair it doesn’t automatically mean they will have another.

You cannot convince somebody to cheat. You can’t entice someone to cheat or get a person to do something they don’t want to do

So no, I don’t think the OW should be blamed.

If a man cheats on his wife/partner then his relationship obviously wasn’t much of a priority to him

I absolutely adore my partner. It doesn’t matter how attractive somebody else is, or how ‘ideal’ for me they are, I am never tempted. I don’t even entertain the thought to do that because I am happy, content and confident in the relationship I already have.

IF I did cheat, it would be my own choice to do so. Not the other man’s.

If a man cheats it’s because they want it, it’s because they’re willingly choosing to put the OW above their relationship already. Nobody except that man can be blamed

Men are humans just like us women. They have their own mind. They do things they want to do. You cannot convince someone to cheat

Have you never watched “Dangerous Liasons”? Convincing someone to cheat is seduction.

Also, seduction and adultery are rarely about the spouse at home. It’s to do with the affair partner representing a different version of themselves. So instead of being the “dutiful spouse and parent” the affairpartner allows them to feel like they’re something else - new, exciting, younger, more powerful, take your pick. That’s at least part of why affairs happen, even in marriages which are otherwise fine.

If a man cheats on his wife then his relationship obviously wasn't much of a priority for him

Funny how the marriage almost always becomes the priority after the affair is discovered and they're begging forgiveness.

I think it's more about thrill, excitement, feeling young and wanted, escaping the humdrum of their life for a time.

Op, the ow I know best has been in a legitimate relationship with her affair partner for about five years, and both left their marriages to be together. Outwardly they live a very exciting life but privately she will admit to anxiety about whether she did the right thing, and whether he'll cheat on her.

She is nervous every time he 'works late'. She is kept at arms length by his family, who are still in touch with his ex wife. His adult dc will not meet her. He won't marry her. She has begun to say things like 'I can see why his ex used to get annoyed with him about...'.

She has maintained a number of friendships, but people gossip about her behind her back, roll their eyes when she talks about how great he is. She talks about him like he's a prize but nobody else thinks this at all.

the affairpartner allows them to feel like they’re something else - new, exciting, younger, more powerful, take your pick

This is what I'm talking about - if the affair is playing a role then what happens if they have to settle down to normal life? The act must fade at some point?

Its not about convincing someone to cheat its about participating ina situation where it occurs.
I dont understand how people can see ow as blameless you know a guy is married and you still go there and expect to be considered untouchable come on thats nonsense. The ow has a will of her own and a choice to make just as much as the man does.
One of my close friends is the ow and has been for over 6 years while the man still lives with his wife as a husband.

My friend beleives it was true love etc etc and has got into fights with the wife over him. Arguably you can say she was manipulated and blameless as he claimes initially they where mareied in name only but equally I would say she didnt have to go there in the first place and is as much to blame and she knows as much as she is like a sister to me she shouldnt come to me crying each time he cold aholdera her because the wife has found out again.

Cheating is ever okay - i have been cheated on mulitple times and its devestating. I was the ow to my now husband of 5 years, we have DC together now, i am Stepmum to his 2 previous DC.

Im saying its okay but my DH and her where together 16 years , 10 spent on different condiments. She cheated first, they moved to the same country, he wanted councelling, she refused and he was going to break it off when she announced a shock pregnancy. That was the start of a string of flings, which ended with me. He was deeply unhappy for years and years, he believes they should have broken up a year or 2 into it when they where teenagers. He went completely off the rails and felt trapped by her falling pregnant - him cheating was almost a coping mechanism, a way of keeping things calm at home and be there rather than walking out. He was attempting to keep his now family together in an already doomed and unhappy relationship.

We met, fell head over heels, and 5 years on we are amicable, she has a DP and 2 SC. I think deep down she knows that they werent right for each other, and that him leaving her was the best for both of them.

There are always 2 sides to each story. Even if one side is very "passive"...sometimes that can be the ending feature.

Doesn't the saying go:
"When the mistress becomes the wife, she creates a vacancy"

Not that I've ever been a wife or a mistress but I dated a man who eventually told me he was married.
I left immediately, not due to his wife or even family but the lying.

The act must fade at some point

In my xh's case he is with ow because I threw him out, and he spent a long long time asking to come home. OW doesn't know this of course, she thinks she was chosen and I'm not going to tell her otherwise. XH says he has no choice but to make a success of his new relationship because the alternative is being alone. So my guess is that many mm are regretful and unhappy in their new relationships, maybe immediately, maybe after a time, but stick with it anyway.

Obviously there will also be those men who can't put up with it and look for another ow to give them their fix of excitement. I imagine conducting their first affair teaches them how to do it well.

And then there must be those who were genuinely miserable in their marriages, abused or just desperately unhappy, but too cowardly or afraid to raise it with their wives or leave to be single, who meet ow and are genuinely happier.

A man + the other woman minimize the pain they cause and maximise the flaws of their previous partners. If anything they might be building some belief that they were the victims. Don't expect from them to have any empathy for their previous partners whose only fault was to trust them...I have seen and heard such couples who have solid relationships. What I noticed in most of them is the pressure under which the OW is to continuously prove her credences (harsh diets/fitness regime/ambition at work etc-I have in my.mind the images of 2 OW: their face shows so much misery that it is hard to look at them even though they have eveything to be very beautiful ). Of course sometimes the OW fits better the man's inclination/needs (e.g. Camilla +Charles ) and one would hope that they would have the grace to first talk to their partners before starting their romance. I know such a couple. They do feel sorry for their 'original' partners and are saddened by the full stiry but they are happy together and it is really a marriage made in heaven..

@Motherofchickens1
Sorry but he will do the same to you eventually. I don't know any results of affairs where the man hasn't done the same thing in the new relationship.

When i wrote 'don't expect from them to have any ampathy for their previous partners' I should have added that this apply to.most of them not to all of them...OP you say you get along well with the OW hence you surely know better than us which kind of OW she is: the one that fits him better (it might hurt but that does not mean she is better than you-just look at Camilla and Diana) or the one that works hard to keep/please him...the former is likely to be sorry for how much she and he hurt you and the kids; don't expect any positive feelings from the latter-if anything she is the one to be pitied...Believe me in this tragic triangle you are the best vertex. Cherish this...

RainySeptember

Your story sounds just like mine. ExH couldn't believe I wouldn't tolerate him living with me & openly seeing the OW when I threw him out.

I honestly do hope they're as happy together as I am without him after all the heartache I went through to get this far.