What would you think?

[OverwhelmedAndConfused200]

37 weeks pregnant on Friday. So likely a bit more emotional than usual.

Caught fiance a few times in the past being very flirty with women online. Mainly via photos. Even so far as having an Instagram that seemed very much single bloke. No mention or photos of his family or me. Just all him posing.

Then bring in ex fuck buddy. One he claimed to cut ties with but hadn't. When caught out claimed fb was bugging out. Despite screenshots showing him over her pictures again.

Que lock down on all social media. Instagram deleted. Facebook never touched but friend list and that hidden.

Being silly I tried to move on as I want my baby to come from a loving, together family. And I certainly don't want to be pregnant and single and i love him very much.

But insecurity is still there.

Today I open our laptop and find his Gmail is signed in. Being in an insecure mood I done something I never should have done, I snooped.

Yes I know it was wrong. I don't know what came over me. I guess I wanted to prove to myself he had nothing to hide as even his phone doesn't show notifications anymore and it all made me paranoid.

In those emails were multiple ones between him and girls that apparently got talking via POF. All looked very much like him, knew his age and where he lived as he talked to them. Claiming to be single.

He is saying that he was hacked. Infind this hard to believe considering his history with the internet and women. Especially considering the writing style is very much "his" and the fact this so called hacker knew his age and location. To which he said they must of hacked his POF account as well. So this magical hacker has managed to hack two accounts purely to talk to women he was able to via the first site?

He then claimed it may be a hoax. But he has sent emails to them in his sent files.

I've even emailed them and both emails went through perfectly. If they were dodgy they'd ping back wouldn't they?

I asked him to go stay at his parents for a few days so I could clear my head as I was tired of feeling like I was nothing and feeling used. When we have his kids I'm the one running around after them all. Even when I'm in pain or ill. I feel used. He responded that he wouldn't call his dad, he would sleep on the streets if I was going to be that heartless.

I really don't think I am? I'm hurting and confused. He also get very angry at me for the snooping. Which I know was wrong. But the fact he focussed on that above all else just makes me feel like he's shifting the blame.

What do I do? I'm scared I'll be pregnant alone and lose the man I deeply love and feeling completely pathetic.

I'm also scared that I have in fact got all this wrong and he is innocent and I've just fucked up something that was quite special. Because despite the way this post makes him look, he works hard, he makes me laugh, he does care in general and in his own way I know he does love me. He has a lot of g9od in him.

I'm sorry I just needed to vent.

From my experience if something doesn't make sense there's a reason for it
He's probably upset because you've threatened to kick him out so he's shitting himself that you'll go through with it and he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions.

You said he helps with your MH but I think he's actually making it a lot worse for you 😞

Tbh that is my first assumption also. I know for a fact he wouldn't want to lose another family. I know for a fact he knows I do too much for him. And that not many would put up with it.

I can be a pain in the arse in my own ways don't get me wrong. But he is the first to admit how lucky he is. Lucky enough to find such a fool I guess.

Despite all of this he is very good at having me wrapped round his finger. And I am in the process of mentally unwrapping my self.

To be honest the self harm sounds manipulative. I'm sure he was upset. My friends ex was always distraught after she broke up with him. He managed to make her feel so sorry for him she forgot what he had done in the first place (cheating, being violent, yadda yadda).

Why does your dp say he kept the emails? He obviously opened them or saw them at some point. He wasnt previously concerned. He never mentioned it to you?

His story is that someone used his email address to set up a POF account using his brothers name. Then they logged into his emails to confirm the account starting, then they used the email again to deactive (I think you have to do it via email- someone else might be able to confirm), then he received emails which his hacker replied to before he had a chance to see them. Then he saw them but didnt delete them.
At what point did he change his password? He thought his ex wife was hacking him but never even mentioned it? Or a stranger but you think its wife? His wife set it up to make him look bad but never actually bothered trying to set him up to anyone (if she hates him why wouldnt she screenshot her master plan and show you?). And surely she would set it up in his name! Or a hacker knew his brothers name (they would also know his name if they had that much data on him)...but set it up in his brother name?

Im just repeating the most logical turn of events I can come up with...not trying to be facetious but he is infuriating!

Be interesting to see how well he does chasing it up with the Police.

He needs a much stronger password evidently.

Badger - everything you've said I asked at the time myself and stressed it all seemed very unlikely and very improbable. The messages found were in a draft folder. And beyond using it to check one of our accounts he actually never uses it. And even when I searched it never went further back than that. So if we play back his silly version - it's unlikely but possible he missed it all. It isn't his main email. And he would have only checked it if we were checking a package, which we haven't needed to since last year as nothing has been ordered on that account.

So on the slim chance he's telling the truth it is probable he could have missed it all going on.

The part I am finding hardest to believe is the being set up aspect. As I said to him it would have taken days, if not longer to hack and orchestrate this. Why suddenly stop with no actual end goal? The only thing that COULD match up was due to being threatened in court any more acting out would result in further action taken towards ex.

Again, all very slim and very unlikely to be the case. The likely version is he's a cheating piece of shit. But until all other avenues are exhausted I know myself well enough to know I would only take him back down the line if I didn't get more concrete evidence to plant in my head now. And to do that to his kids would just be cruel. If they weren't in the picture I would be taking the route of I'm leaving until you prove innocence instead.

For now I need to just keep aware, not be completely swayed. Stick to my boundaries and do my best to build my self esteem up. Then see how this really plays out. If it's just what I think it is, I will be gone in a heartbeat.

I asked him again this evening how he would feel if his daughter or our baby ended up in this position down the line. It made him angry. He knows he's fucked up. He knows he's wrong. And he's trying to wiggle out of it. If I walked without solid proof of this he would manipulate me back. I need to get something that is so solid he can't argue against. And let him have his "but this could of happened". Right now.

If that's just what happened then he will be actively pursuing this via the police. Then they can tell us where it's all coming from. Likely reality is he won't contact them. And that will be enough for me to know he was lying.

As he said, someone is out to destroy us. If you truly believed that you'd be doing all you could to find the truth and prove your innocence. If he does that I'll know he was set up. If he doesn't act on it I'll know he was just spinning more lies.

If it was the ex wife doing it and then stopped when she got scared by court you’d think she’d at least log on to the emails and get them deleted if she was so scared. Although I agree with another poster that said surely she wouldn’t have used his email where he could see these emails happening as they popped in if there was a plan happening.

I’m sorry OP that you’re going through this. If you want to stay together then that’s entirely up to you but I only think it’s possible if he’s honest with you which it really doesn’t look likely that he is.
After his last warning after the other social media stuff it looks like he’s now lying so he hasn’t broken what he thinks is his final chance but if he’s not going to be honest about this instance then he’ll think he’s an amazing liar and continue, it won’t help him change at all.
If you want to stay with this man he needs to be honest and then get
Some counselling for himself, some for you and then some couples therapy. Otherwise you’re just going to be repeating cycles of the above forever.

you need to buy the book/audiobook “Women Who Love Too Much”

no offence OP but you posted asking for advice and havent taken any of it, not sure why you’d post at all? you know it was him, hackers arent just floating around bored and end up on PoF.

if you stay with a liar and a cheat you will raise children who need counselling and therapy to get over all the trauma your relationship will cause them. you wont hide it from them.

I do agree whole heartedly. I have taken everything that's been said on board. And I plan to take action using that advice. Just a little slower than maybe I should be as I want all evidence I can get first. Purely for my own sanity.

As a side note I have just spoken to a midwife and she thinks I may be in the very very early stages of labour due to some symptoms I've had the last couple days and constant back ache tonight keeping me up. So I'll likely (hopefully) be a little preoccupied in the coming hours to give much thought to him and his lies and focus on myself and my baby.

Also I do agree with the therapy. It has something i have raised. And something I will be talking to my own care worker about arranging for us and him.

I may not seem like I've listened to you guys but I honestly have. And completely agree with all that's been posted. I want to believe but I'm not stupid enough to believe. I just need some time to get my head straight and get enough behind me to keep my head straight despite any new versions that may come.

Thank you all so much. I honestly do appreciate every single one of your posts. It has been a great help and helped me keep a wobbly head of mine a little straighter x

Oh OP

There is no point justifying why you are believing him and staying.
All these Mners are giving good advice and we all know he is talking through his arse. We all want better for you and your baby.
Now if only you wanted better for yourself, I really hope that one day you do get that, because you deserve to have a partner who does not treat you in this way.
Focus on you and your Bebe now and maybe if he actually drops the ridiculous lies and tells you the truth that you are able to accept that you deserve a better partner, better father for your daughter.
All the best

@OverwhelmedAndConfused200

I think you know in your gut what the truth is here. You’ve given him and yourself a whole list of excuses here to plaster over the reality and keep the status quo, and that’s ok I understand your not ready to face it. However, please don’t kid yourself as to what your doing, you know deep down what he really is, he may be a lovely guy yes, but faithful and honest he is not. The pit you now have in your stomach will not go away, it will haunt you for all the time you keep this pretense up....every time he is on his phone/laptop, when he is out/late from work, when you can’t sleep at night. One of two things will happen or possibly both, you’ll learn to live with it and try to bury it deep in the recesses if your mind and fake your happily ever after or, it will be the eventual destruction of your relationship by your hand or his (you have enough one day and leave/he finds someone he leaves you for)

It’s hard to inflict pain, especially emotional pain one yourself and leaving him and ending things now absolutely feels like this. You don’t want to hurt, you don’t want to go through the pain and feel the loss (who would?) so your putting it off, but putting it off is exactly what your doing. This hurt and pain is coming at some point down the road, and down the road (if he leaves you for someone else) it won’t even be on your terms.

2 options

1. End it now on your terms, yes it will hurt for a little while but soon you’ll have a little baby you’ll be more in love with than you can imagine. You’ll be too busy being a mum to spend too much time being sad over a cheating arse.

2. Don’t end things, spend what could be years being insecure feeling the pain of knowing what you know, always worrying about what he is up to. Waiting for truth, for proof, something you dread yet simultaneously wish for. Meanwhile you’ve kept the status quo, dedicated your life to him and the kids running round after him, and then he leaves you anyway for someone 10 years younger and more impressionable and vulnerable (just like you used to be) and then you really will feel like a mug.

I’m sorry I know that’s harsh to hear

Oh I know. I am seeing my care worker tomorrow discuss building my strength and confidence to walk. This morning has 100% confirmed to me he is lying through his teeth. No doubt left, not even a slither.

I got blinded by the slimest hope he was being honest because that's what I wanted to believe. But no innocent man would act in the way he has done in the aftermath.

He deleted emails and claimed he couldn't get them back. I showed him how. He still refused. He refused to let me track the IP address from where his messages were coming from. He refused. And again tried saying I was out to break us up and clearly just want to leave him. Despite making it clear I needed to see 100% proof from him that it wasn't him so I could move past it. As considering his history my trust in him was rocky at best and without that solid proof it would leave doubt festering in my mind.

He still refused and tried to turn it on me that i was intentionally finding reasons to leave him. I even explained that I wanted this cleared up desperatly as if i was to advance and go into full labour I wouldn't want this over either of our heads if in fact he was being truthful.

None of those are the actions of a man that has being wronged and wants to make it right. They are the actions of a man that knows they done wrong and are trying to wiggle out of it as they know it would be the final nail in their coffin. All while trying to twist the blame on me and emotionally blackmail me.

I am stupid and guilable for even thinking he was being honest. And I plan on working on my strength to LTB for good. This is not the life I want for me or my little girl. I just hope I can build my self esteem up to do it and stick with it. It will be a tough road to get there but it can't be any harder than this one.

I want my baby to come from a loving, together family
Well you know that was never going to happen with this lying, cheating scumbag but that ship has sailed.
You are having a DD.
Would you want her to stay with a 'man' like this?
No you would not.
So he is not good enough for you or her.

Gather that strength,
Kick him out at the very least.
These guys NEVER EVER change so don't fall for that bullshit.

You've been ignoring red flags flying all over the place with this one.
Don't do that again.
First sign of flirting or texing OW - get him gone!!!!

Oh, OP. Well, at least now you know. You know you've been played. And whatever he says about your reasons (which, he is no doubt going to repeat to other people) YOU KNOW THE TRUTH.

He was plausible and he kept his real self hidden until he thought you were in too deep to pull out. This is all on him, not you.

Good luck with your little one - times are achanging for you, while he'll still be the same piece of shit he always was.

Hey lady,

So sorry to hear your story. Big hugs for you!

My story is very similar to yours but I was not pregnant. My decision was to leave him and that took me 2 months and I wasn't pregnant so I can only imagine what you are going through right now.

My EXP was up to the same, up to no good and living this virtual life. similar to yours he made many excuses to get out of it but I had all the evidence I needed. He did finally come clean and tell me the truth or at least I think so but it was already over for me. After forgiving him once last year (he was living his virtual life whilst I was in hospital having an ectopic) he then made several further errors like setting up a fake facebook, talking to women who he said were friends but hiding it and generally making me out to be a complete tool.
Several bits of advice that were given to me helped me to make a final decision.
*Love shouldnt hurt

• please dont take this as modern behavior
• if it betrays your trust its cheating, if he knows it betrays your trust it definitely cheating

Like yours mine was good man, works hard, a generally caring and loving guy and like you I was clinging onto what I would loose, his child, his family, our wonderful adventures.

But deep down I knew I could not accept that treatment. I would not accept it from a friend so why accept it from a lover?

I hope you find the strength to push forward without him sweetheart x

Hellsbells- I asked him exactly how he'd feel if someone was like this to his daughter or our baby and he got angry. He knows he's being a piece of shit. Nor do I want my baby growing up thinking this is how relationships work.

I will continue to get myself together as quickly as I can so I can leave and stay gone. I'm hoping that won't take too long emotionally to feel strong enough to.

I can't kick him out right now. I don't want the kids knowing or being all upheaved during the birth of their little sister. I worry the impact that could have on them and in turn their relationship with her.

Thankfully due to my pregnancy pillow we were no longer sharing a bed of a night, and I will continue to keep out of his way and do nothing of benefit for him.

In the meantime I will focus 100% on myself, throw myself into whatever therapy my care worker advises and into being a good mother and role model for my baby.

I know what I need to do and I know how I need to get there.

I don't feel angry, upset or disappointed. I feel determined to get what I deserve. And it certainly isn't this.

Zap - I have kept screenshots of everything that has been discussed/evidence of his behaviour. I will continue to keep them and when I walk I will be sending them to his family to explain my reason why.

I'm doing this purely so he doesn't just paint me out to be a shit and ruin relationships I have with them. As I know he will call me a liar without the evidence to back it up. Or imply I just left him because k was some heartless cow who used him or something equally ridiculous.

Don’t let him be at the birth! Have your mum or a friend or do it alone.
You will be vulnerable and need support, birth is about you and your baby, he will try and make it about him. He will manipulate you. You need to concentrate on yourself and baby at the moment not him. He is guilty and you would do better starting motherhood alone that having to try and kick him out after a few weeks you will feel far worse.

Niceviews- I'm so sorry you went through all of that. And I'm so strengthened by your ability to get out.

Barmaid- I can't stop him being at the birth. I am planning a home birth and he will likely still be here come then. And as much as I dislike him I wouldn't deprive him of that moment with his daughter. I know he would be on his best behaviour as he always is in front of people.

Thankfully I had already mentioned I would likely want everyone out or different people out at different times. As I focus and relax best when I am alone. So I can send him out as often as I feel the need to without it looking suspicious to him or my mum. My mum will be there also and my sister is planning on being in my parents ready to come in if I want her to. So I have a great support network around me and can quite easily juggle it where I won't have to see him during labour any more than I choose to.

Good luck OP.

Your idea re tracking IP address was great. 100% he would jump at that chance if he had been set up! And be grateful to you, in fact. I wouldnt know how to do that so would be rubbing my hands together to catch the bastard if I was being "hacked" and dp knew how to catch them.

Really sorry youre going through this at such an awkward time. Hope you find the strength to chuck him soon. He can still be a good dad as a cheat, and you can be civil if he can be. I get the impression he is very manipulative so will make you the bad guy. You arent, and will be doing the right thing. HE did this.

Er those aren’t red flags. You’re well past the red flags and in the tidal current.

The hacking explanation is a load of bollocks and in your heart of hearts you know it.

Deciding not to put up with this does not mean your baby will lose a dad. He can still have contact. You’ll just be free from this betrayal

I am sorry. X

Dirty -that was exactly my argument to him. I even brought up very casually this morning that I would contact the police on his behalf to tell them that we've been having someone unhinged contacting us and creating fake profiles. The quick reply and panic was all I needed to know. The lack of interest in my polite offer of tracking the IP address and the stubbornness instead just sealed the deal.

Kari - despite all his flaws I would never ever let him lose out on time with my baby. I have seen the damage first hand that has caused both his children and him. I wouldn't wish that on my baby. As long as he is willing and reliable he will have contact. Fair contact including holidays once she is old enough. I have told him that from day dot I am happy to go to court and get all this in writing if it means it.

I won't be giving him any ammo to use against me or to use as excuses to not bother with her (if it came to that).

He tried telling me how much he loved me and all the general crap men say when they've been caught. Apparently he admits he's done a lot of stupid shit but stands by the emails weren't him. I responded with a list of reasons as to why he doesn't love me and exactly how he makes me feel.

I'm not quite at the stage I am strong enough to walk completely. But I am taking steps in the right direction and I am not backing down this time. For once I fully see him for what he is and for once no "sweet" (manipulative) message is swaying me even slightly. In fact it just makes me more angry that he thinks he can play me like a fiddle. I will walk. And I will continue walking into a new life and not back into this one.

You go girl! Same for me, I just wasn't strong enough mentally to walk away for a while but once you do please let me tell you the relief you will feel! I am only 3 days into leaving and yes I am having some guilt pangs as I emptied the house we shared together and left whilst he was away. It cant of been very nice for him and then I get a light bulb moment and realise did he feel guilty doing this to me?

I offered him a final chance if he went to therapy but he refused saying that only sick people go to therapy.

I am not sue even if he would of told me the whole truth but as I am "Clever" after I found the messages in his phone I took the contact details of the women involved and said fine, if you dont tell me the truth, ill just ask them!

Keep focused, keep pushing forward for you and your little one. Know and be sure of yourself and how much you haven given and dont let guilt drag you down. Its easier said than done but your better than this.

You sound like such a caring woman taking things into consideration like his children, his living arrangements. much like me. As much as I wanted to rip up all his clothes, slash his tyres etc I was not going to give him any ammunition to tell his friends and family anything bad about me.

Thinking of you x

For fuck sake op, get some self respect!!!

And start putting your child first or she'll be having this conversation with you in years to come.

He will get a hundred times worse once the baby is born. You'll be stuck at home and he'll be out riding rings around himself.

But you live in your parents’ annexe... you can just kick him out!

The birth isn’t a spectator sport! It’s about you safely delivering your child. It is not about him and his feelings. He does not have a right to be there, you have the choice.