What would you think?

[OverwhelmedAndConfused200]

37 weeks pregnant on Friday. So likely a bit more emotional than usual.

Caught fiance a few times in the past being very flirty with women online. Mainly via photos. Even so far as having an Instagram that seemed very much single bloke. No mention or photos of his family or me. Just all him posing.

Then bring in ex fuck buddy. One he claimed to cut ties with but hadn't. When caught out claimed fb was bugging out. Despite screenshots showing him over her pictures again.

Que lock down on all social media. Instagram deleted. Facebook never touched but friend list and that hidden.

Being silly I tried to move on as I want my baby to come from a loving, together family. And I certainly don't want to be pregnant and single and i love him very much.

But insecurity is still there.

Today I open our laptop and find his Gmail is signed in. Being in an insecure mood I done something I never should have done, I snooped.

Yes I know it was wrong. I don't know what came over me. I guess I wanted to prove to myself he had nothing to hide as even his phone doesn't show notifications anymore and it all made me paranoid.

In those emails were multiple ones between him and girls that apparently got talking via POF. All looked very much like him, knew his age and where he lived as he talked to them. Claiming to be single.

He is saying that he was hacked. Infind this hard to believe considering his history with the internet and women. Especially considering the writing style is very much "his" and the fact this so called hacker knew his age and location. To which he said they must of hacked his POF account as well. So this magical hacker has managed to hack two accounts purely to talk to women he was able to via the first site?

He then claimed it may be a hoax. But he has sent emails to them in his sent files.

I've even emailed them and both emails went through perfectly. If they were dodgy they'd ping back wouldn't they?

I asked him to go stay at his parents for a few days so I could clear my head as I was tired of feeling like I was nothing and feeling used. When we have his kids I'm the one running around after them all. Even when I'm in pain or ill. I feel used. He responded that he wouldn't call his dad, he would sleep on the streets if I was going to be that heartless.

I really don't think I am? I'm hurting and confused. He also get very angry at me for the snooping. Which I know was wrong. But the fact he focussed on that above all else just makes me feel like he's shifting the blame.

What do I do? I'm scared I'll be pregnant alone and lose the man I deeply love and feeling completely pathetic.

I'm also scared that I have in fact got all this wrong and he is innocent and I've just fucked up something that was quite special. Because despite the way this post makes him look, he works hard, he makes me laugh, he does care in general and in his own way I know he does love me. He has a lot of g9od in him.

I'm sorry I just needed to vent.

OP I suspect if you sat down and had a little chat with his ex wife, she would tell you he is a serial cheater and did the same to her as he is doing to you.

You are not ready. One day he will cross a line and you will come to your senses.

I hope it's not too far down the line.

The idea of my daughter being treated this way would break my heart. When I've asked him in the past how he'd feel if someone treated either the baby or his daughter like that in the future he got mad at me. And apparently he wouldn't know how he would feel cos he isn't in that position.

If you kick him out now, I think it would be much easier than after the birth.
Now = awful, but your thoughts and time will be taken up with a wonderful, positive fresh start with your gorgeous baby (and a sense of control over your life)
After the birth = you will feel vulnerable and will have seen your DP and baby together, so will feel guilty about separating them. You will feel overwhelmed and out of control.

You won’t be ruining things for him, and his children, he’s already done that.

Your baby will only know the reality she is born into. You are enough for her, you can be her strong, brave, honest, reliable parent

Pissed - I honestly do wonder. It all seems very strange just how much she hates him if I'm honest. As I've said I've seen their communications and nothing he does is fair or right. She is a very nasty human being. Right down to insulting the fact I was having a baby on social media and how she shouldn't be born. And emails to him claiming he should walk away from the baby. All things I've seen. And like I said, there was 100% no overlap between us as I saw on court papers the date she even says they separated. I never understod her hate towards him being with me, him in general or the way she wpuld use the kids as a weapon with him. Hence him habing to go to court to get reliable access. But I am starting to wonder why she has been this way.

Tentom tbh I think part of my fear with leaving him is because of the baby. The idea of having to see him when he sees her initially (I'll be breast feeding so I won't be able to part with her) will make it harder for me to move on. And then the prospect of having tonpart with her for weekends and weeks here and there in the future. Not to mention how I'm starting to be concerned that I wouldn't be able to trust him with her. Not that he would hurt her or anything, just that he seems to lack empathy. The other week his son felt sick and he just told him to go back to bed. It was me who went and sat with him and comforted him/sorted out a bucket and that. The idea she wouldn't get that if she needed thst is worrying

Jesus this is how this shit starts. It gets worse, I’m not sure if you’ve read my thread.

You might think he’s all you want in labour but you’ll regret letting him in on that moment in the future, I can bet you that much.

And POF will only be the tip of the iceberg.

And I get it, you’re about to give birth and if there’s any time you’re not going to see clearly, this is it. But don’t let your pregnancy justify giving in to his explanations and manipulations .

The other week his son felt sick and he just told him to go back to bed. It was me who went and sat with him and comforted him/sorted out a bucket and that. The idea she wouldn't get that if she needed thst is worrying

Then even more reason to tell him to GTF tbh!

Don’t let yourself get in deep , this is your chance

Help - I'm not sure if I have. I am on here a lot but rarely post and I'm terrible at remembering usernames.

I feel so angry with myself. I'd want to shake my friend if they were saying all this. The evidence is so clearly there that he has no respect for me. It has been multiple times. Be it the flirting, the leaving the "grun t work" aspect of the kids to me. Be it ignoring me if I ask for help. Or if I try talking about my feelings flat out ignoring me or picking up his phone like I don't exist.

The good doesn't outweigh the bad. It doesn't. I can see that. I'm just so scared of losing thst little bit of good, nd the knock on effect that will leave me with. I'd be heartbroken to lose his kids. I love them. The idea of not seeing them again breaks my heart. And not being there for them.while they adjust to a new sibling and any worries that may rbijg them just hurts. Especially as that change would be coming the same time as the change of their dad and partner not being together. Him having to find somewhere new to live etc. I know they aren't my responsibility, but for the last couple years I've really fallen in love with them both. I don't want to hurt them either. Or have all that going on meaning it affects their relationship with their little half sister. I want my baby to be close with her siblings. Not seen as the reason their whole lives got thrown upside down

He’d struggle to insist on access if you didn’t put his name onthe birth certificate. Just saying

Tent - I couldn't do that. I've seen the pain his ex caused him with refusing access and being difficult. As much as I may end up hating him one day he's still my babies dad and for both their sakes he deserves the chance to step up. I don't want to become one of those bitter ex's that would come between a parent and their child. It's part of what I've been helping him fight for the last couple years. It would make me a complete hypocrite and would only serve to hurt the one thing I love more than anything, my daughter. Not only that it would hurt his family. And I love his family. They are amazing and have been throughout our relationship.

How you choose to respond now is going to map out your foreseeable future. You let them get away with it once, well, you're sunk.

You look after his kids. You are his skivvy. He does not stand on his own two feet, by the way. And nor do you, living in an annex off your parent's property.

He wasn't hacked. It is cheating, even if nothing physical has happened. He is vile. He uses anger to shut you up and tells you that you're the problem. He has some fuck buddy back on his fb. He closes off his friend list to you. Why do you tolerate that? He sends creepy messages to women on Instagram. When is enough going to be enough?

Do you have mental health problems by any chance? Because I think he has got you exactly where he wants you. Your self worth is so low, and you are so codependent on him that you are afraid of losing him. So afraid that you will tolerate practically anything to keep him.

Now you have your own child going to be involved in this. What about your child's right to live in a happy home?

Kick him out. Let him be homeless. He's a total weasel.

OP you know what you have to do. I just hope you find the strength to do it. Please don't stay with this lying cheating twat, for the sake of you and your baby.

So it causes him pain when his ex is difficult about access - yet when he has the kids he leave it all to you?

In what way, exactly, is he involved with his children? It sounds like he's insisting on access more to cause problems for his ex and to keep stirring that pot than because he genuinely loves them and wants to spend time with them.

Keithrichards- I know I am dependant on my parents due to living situation. But it does work really nicely as a family unit and the annex is completely self contained.

I know he wasn't hacked. I'm pathetic but I'm not silly. All his stupid excuses are nothing else but lies to protect his own arse. Why I've tolerated it this long I don't know. Because I've become one of those pathetic "but I love him and he has good!" People I guess. Because of what little good he does bring me I'm scared of losing.

I do suffer with mental health issues yes, mainly anxiety/depression/ocd. It has been quite debilitating in my life in the past but I have improved massively. Beyond taking things to heart and having to do some checks of an evening/finding it hard To go out alone it doesn't affect my day to day life as much anymore. And honestly i do have him and my amazing family to thank for that. In that respect they have all been the reason I am still here today and actually have my life together enough to be stable mentally and relatively settled (excluding a crappy fiance) . If I was in hospital it was always him and my mum by my side. That's the side of him that I love. The caring, I wantnto make youbbetter side.

I would never ever let my baby see or know any of this. I've mastered plastering a happy face on as I've needed to when things have come up on the weekends we've had his kids. But I do get what you're saying. And I do agree.

Zap - he plays with them and is actually very good at the "fun dad!" Role. That's why my niece and nephew love him so much. He is fun and playful. He just sucks at the actual work aspect of kids. But then i don't think he's ever had to deal with that alone as before me he would always go to his mum's with them as she likes to spoil her family and do everything for them there. She's a sweetheart and I known he wouldn't of had to worry about cooking dinners or cleaning up there after them either

Yeah. My mum did the same ‘happy face’ with my step dad until she couldn’t take it anymore. Like I didn’t hear all the shouting and accusations. Like I didn’t crouch in the corner of my bedroom with my little sister covering her ears. Like she didn’t leave a whole world of shit when she dropped dead one day leaving 3 young kids and chaos.

I know I’m projecting but you said upthtead I was ‘strong’ - no - I’ve just seen the beginning of your situation right through to the bitter end as a damaged kid and a still angry adult.

Good luck.

But the work aspect of kids is parenting! Anybody can be silly and play and spend money on ice cream and games, but it's what happens when they are ill or tired or fighting or need telling off that is real parenting.

Which, it sounds like he sucks at.

He sounds awful and you'd be so much better of without him.

The fact he lets you do all the work for his own children just shows how useless he will be at helping you raise your baby.

He won't change his ways

Merry I am so sorry you've been through all of that. I can only imagine how awful that must have been and i truly hope you're in a better place now.

Thankfully (at least so far) we've never argued in front of the kids or even done the hushed fighting in another room. It is always left until they leave if there is anything. I'd never want them in that kind of position.

Zap- I admit and agree with you completely. It's been something he's slowly working on adjusting as I've been on at him a lot to be a proper father role and not just the fun one.

Ice cream - it has been something that has crossed my mind yes.

As an update - we sat down and looked at the emails together. I saw the full threads right from the start from.each of them. They all have very VERY similar tones (from the girls especially with how it starts out) same layouts the lot. He's dumb but he isn't that dumb to fall for scams that obvious. Seeing the messages side by side does seriously make me wonder if he is in fact innocent and has been set up.

I know I probably sound guilable to you all at this stage. But it just all seems too blatant and too out there, even for him. Especially as like I said they were all laid out the same. Considering it was during a period that his ex had some big issue with him (for taking her to court) and the nasty messages (including trying to bribe him for money) from her during that time. I'm inclined to believe she was out to set him up- or someone was.

Why they didn't go further with it, I don't know. Maybe it was still him and I AM guilable. But it's hard to explain without sending screenshots (which for obvious privacy reasons I wouldn't do) it does all look very "set up" just because of the layouts/writing styles throughout. One even included an old photo of him from years back, before we even met (I can tell by the work shirt) . Which leads me to believe it wasn't him. As if anything he looks better these days so why send one so old? One that was on a public dating page (again before we met) .

I am still very dubious. My trust has still been knocked. But I am very unsure of just how much he might be a dick (in this instance at least). Even thinking about it the pof new account they made was using one of his brothers names. Which would be odd if he was actively setting one up himself.

None of it is quite adding up, and is slightly swaying in the direction of him being innocent. I've suggested we report them to the police. As if someone has actively gone to that much effort to mess with him, they are clearly unhinged. He didn't fight this at all. And upon seeing all the messages first hand himself rather than just the screenshots I sent him seemed very concerned.

All I can do for now is see what comes of this. If he truly is innocent he will push to involve the police and see where this leads to. If he doesn't then he's clearly just played me for a fool again. The next week will tell.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I've taken everything that's been said on board. I plan on seeing my support worker this week and will discuss building my self esteem and move from there. I have also put down strict boundaries regarding what I will and won't be doing in future.

All I can do is hope that for once he's being honest. And if he isn't I will be building up myself for being prepared to leave.

This is not an environment I want to bring my baby into. And if things remain even close to the same I will be making sure I walk.

Thank you all again x

This sounds like I’m being snarky but I’m not - I’m 36 weeks pregnant and furious on your behalf because I can’t imagine how this feels right now - but is he saying the same personnhacked him on instagram? And Facebook? Or does he admit those things?
If he was just wanting ego
Stroking and flirting it wouldn’t matter if he was copying and pasting themsame chat up to all the girls would it. Or using an old pic so they couldn’t trace him via a reverse google search. If he was truly set up they’d have used his real name and have sent the details to you. You know this.
If you want to stay together then fair enough but he needs to be honest about this whole thing and get some counselling, separately for you both and relationship counselling too.

He admits to the fb and Insta. He did at the time and deleted it all after a long talk.

The message aspect from recently were more the girls that all seemed very similar. Same writing style, same way the messages started, same amount of things posted and questions asked in the same order.

He's an idiot but he would have noticed that pattern. Before we dated and were friends we used to joke about that pattern and he'd always send me those sorts of things when he saw it was dodgy.

His replies were all very basic and seemed a bit set up themselves. Agreed if he's our for an ego boost that's exactly what he would be doing though.

I never thought about why he may have used that photo actually. And that's a very good shout as to why.

I did question myself to him why they would go to all that effort just to then suddenly leave it. But IF in this hypothetical situation, it stopped when he gave in a bit during the court process. I've matched up dates on things. IF this is the case they may have lost interest purely due to getting a bit of their own way and also being told by the courts if their online rambling abuse continued it would be taken further. So maybe they got scared?

Again I am aware I'm clutching at straws here. Even my friend has pointed thst out to me.

But on the off chance he is telling the truth, I need to give him a chance to prove that. If not for his sake then for mine. If I walked when there was even the slightest bit of doubt I know I would constantly wonder "what if"

I am taking everything with a pinch of salt. Nor do I actually trust him on any of this. But at the same time, I have my doubts. For reasons related to the timing of it all and the issues faced during that period. There's a very VERY slim chance he is telling the truth. And until I have more solid evidence to prove I am right I can't walk as it would forever play on my mind. And likely I would only end up back with him anyway. And putting the kids through that kind of back and forth would just be cruel.

I will build my confidence, bide my time,step back from all the looking after and extra help. Focus on myself. And keep a close eye on the situation. Then when I feel I have enough evidence on either his innocence or guilt will I make my move.

Anyfucker- believe me I'd be wanting to slap the shit out my friend if it was them saying this considering all the mounting evidence that is there.

I just need to make sure 100% this is the right move before I make it. I know myself too well and i would end up in a wreck if I left while I still wasn't 200% sure on something.

😂
So what is it you think has happened with these emails? Someone he knows has made a fake account but using his real email address, why?

Oh I know how it looks. I just need more evidence before I'm mentally able to walk away and stay away. I guess I'm still clinging stupidly to the very slim chance it's all a bit misunderstanding.

He had physically hurt himself. He only ever does that when he's genuienly upset and broken. Never when he's angry. May be I am being swayed by that.

But whatever is going on, I will find out and get to the bottom of. I know just how bad all of this looks and I am aware I am being emotionally manipulated and lied to.

I just need to get all my facts very clear so that if it turns out exactly how it looks I can walk away confidently and not look back. Until then for my own sanity and happiness I need to give him the smallest bit of benefit of the doubt.