Affair baby trap, or am I paranoid?

[MumOfJamie]

Please someone tell me I’m not crazy. My husband had a 3 month affair with a 40yo woman who has a child with her husband, who’s had the snip. Things are messy, to say the least, but DH has cut all ties with the other woman and is now confused over what he wants. She begged him to be with her, he stayed with me but says he needs to think.

Anyway, it occurred to me that she may be pregnant, so I asked him. He said no, she couldn’t be pregnant but I probed about what kind of contraception they used and it turned out they didn’t use any. She told him fertility ‘dips at 40’. So for two months in a row, they had pregnancy scares, her period came twice. He said he broached the subject a few times, she shrugged it off. I know this woman, her husband and child, we moved in the same circle. She is a planner, super organised with everything. I don’t believe she’d leave contraception to chance, especially when her husband has been snipped. In my mind, she was looking for a way out of her marriage and trying to trap my husband into leaving me. He says I’m being paranoid and refuses to believe she’d do such a thing.

I’d be quite prepared to move on from this affair business as we’ve been together for 14 years and happy most of that time. But it’s like DH is still stuck in his affair fantasy land and refusing to see what I see.

Honest opinions please, I can take it. Thanks!

You're staying with him? Wtf! Why you even posting about it? If he's done it once he could and probably will do it again. Hey if she is pregnant you'll get to be step mummy and babysit the baby while he is off cheating. Don't you think you're worth more then that OP? Sorry to sound horrible but this just sounds to me like you think the biggest problem is the OW trying to trap your husband you don't seem concerned that he cheated. My advice LTB.

Apart from leave the cheating arse, have you been tested for sti?

Have cheated and had unprotected sex with another person and didn't give two shits about you.

To be honest it seems to be a really messed up situation.

Addressing the pregnancy theory alone then based on the information you provided I would say you're probably right that she was intentionally trying to get pregnant. Whether this was to trap your DH or just to have another baby when her DH has had the snip, I don't know. I think it's quite common for women to suffer from quite intense broodiness when they think their fertility is declining (a now or never thing) so maybe she saw this as her last chance to have another child and your DH seemed a pretty good sperm donor or. Hard to tell..

Assuming she isn't actually pregnant, I'm not too sure why you are so hung up on this. Your DH was incredibly naive and reckless to risk a presumably unwanted pregnancy from his perspective but why is this affecting your ability to move on as a couple from this affair? Whether he admits she intentionally intended to get pregnant or not it doesn't really change the fact that he has broken your trust and been very very stupid. Could it be that it's easier to focus on this OW and her grand plan to get pregnant as it's a good distraction
from focussing on your relationship and your DH? Maybe it gives you some comfort to think of her as some manipulative villan set out to have a baby and destroy your life rather than accepting that your DH is equally culpable and realistically knew full well what was happening all along?

I can't believe you've stayed either. Regarding your "D" H , why can't he believe she would do that, after all she slept with a married man!

I hear you. I am concerned about his cheating, but prepared to move on from it I guess. TBH I think I’m still in shock and scared to lose everything. But yeah, he’s a massive dick.

But op I dont understand from your op and working out what that little home wrecker was up to you clearly aren't a stupid person. Do you have dc are you staying for them?

You are bonkers to forgive him, sorry.

She begged him to be with her, he stayed with me but says he needs to think.

So basically he's living the life of riley, two women doing the pick me dance over him. You and the OW are massaging his ego.

You seem to be focusing on the fact that she probably was quite open to getting pregnant - and yes, I'd agree that's clearly the case- but glossing over the fact he obviously didn't car either. Is he very stupid? Does he not know anyone who had a baby over forty?

He risked having a child with someone else, he may not want to face the fact she could have been a lot more into it happening than him but he's not a child so obvious took the risk. And even more offensively, took the risk of passing an infection on to you.

I personally think trying/not caring about getting another woman pregnant is something even worse than just an affair. I think you're misdirecting your anger here, and possibly overstating how much he wants to stay with you- most men cover their tracks in an affair, they don't take casual risks of their wife finding out because they've got the other woman pregnant.

I've always said if someone "needs time to think" about choosing you or someone else, you're not their first priority, and that's what you should be and what you deserve. But I know it's desperately hard, and I hope you can move on from this in whatever way you choose to 💕

Also reddress is right. It's about time men took some responsibility for contraception and some of the blame for when people make stupid decisions not to use any.

OP, do you think that there's a chance you're fixating on this as a way to mentally avoid the shock of what you've found out? Your husband has had a long affair with someone you know, has slept with her repeatedly without contraception and is telling you that he needs to think about whether you're good enough for him or not?
You're the one who needs to think; you shouldn't be on the back foot here - he's the one who should be begging for your forgiveness.
Can you tell him to leave whilst you consider your options? If this OW is pregnant, that's his mess to sort out.

I hear what you’re all saying. I know I’m not thinking clearly at the moment, which is why I came on here - to get opinions from people who aren’t caught up in this like I am. I love him, which is why I’m making excuses for him, but I know he’s been careless and reckless and I probably should just save my own skin and get out. But I’m in the middle of a university degree and 10 months from graduating. I am financially totally dependent on him at the moment, all my family are in another country so I have nowhere to go while I’m still at uni. I’ve worked really hard and I can’t face giving up now only to then end up in a dead end job again. It would feel like I’m not only losing my marriage, which obviously isn’t as solid as I thought, but everything. And I just can’t face that.

And yeah, I’m worried about the STI thing and livid about that too.

Men like this, who need 'time to think' (why would he need time to think if he really loved you?) nearly always end up leaving anyway. Do you just not want the OW to 'win' by getting him?
He's not exactly filled with remorse, trying to win you back, promising the earth if you will stay with him, is he? Get him out, give yourself thinking time. And then don't let him back.

He's a cheat and a liar. And he doesn't care.

He needs "time to think"?
I know you want to put it all behind you and move on but that's not the reality of what happens in these situations.
He's not going to wake up one morning and say "What a silly sausage I was... lets forget it all happened and ride off into the sunset together"
He cheated because he was unhappy in his marriage.. those issues will need addressing before you even to begin to think about the fallout caused by the affair and OW potential pregnancy.

I know its really harsh, but you need to accept the reality. It does sound like you're in shock to be honest, I really feel for you OP. I've been in your situation myself and I can tell you from experience, there is no easy way out. There is no such thing as "forgetting it all ever happened".

It’s all abit pretty grim really op he didn’t even wrap up he literally stuck his dick in her for several months and no doubt he did the same with you. How can you not feel physically repulsed. I know I was when my ex cheated on me. Surely that level of disrespect is enough to leave. He’s not even remorseful and sorry as he doesn’t know what he wants!

OP, you have two choices: empower yourself and kick him out (or leave him) or put up with him not loving and respecting you (and continuing to cheat).
Do you have children with this man? Are there financial reasons why you would stay with him?
Personally, I feel you are being taken for a spineless mug.

MumofJamie I know it sounds like the thing you'd like to do least right now, but please speak to student support or someone like that at your university. My best friend is a mature student in her second year and has seperated from her partner this term. She also has no money and a child, and although it hasn't been easy, speaking to the support staff at university has really helped her and they've offered some practical support. Also see if your university offers hardship funds or short term loans/grants.

As I understand it, you want to persuade your husband not to go off with her by showing what a nasty bitch she is trying to trap him?

If you need to lower yourself that far to make him stay with you, you must be absolutely, blindingly obviously desperate. That doesn't put you in a great position for negotiating him, or make you look like someone he should be begging to stay with.

what he thinking about-which one of you he gets to shag

make the decision for him

I don't think it matters if she was trying to get pregnant or not. By not using contraception, he was as good as actively trying to get her pregnant! The fact that she has 'scares' TWICE shows you that neither of them gave a shiny shit about you or the fallout.

This is very sad, and I'm sorry for the situation you're in. I hope you can move on and get your self-esteem back, as he seems to have scattered it into many, many pieces.

Good God, it is rare to see a bar set so low

Your husband is a spectacularly stupid and morally corrupt person. You are falling into the huge trap of blaming Ow and having to rescue your poor duped man from her evil clutches

Have a word with yourself, seriously. You can convince yourself of any old shit but it doesn't change the facts. At least be honest with yourself...you stay because you are frightened to leave and go it alone. You made a gross error to be financially dependent on this man. Finish your degree and then go. That is the best you can make of a bad job. You will stay though, your post screams doormat through and through

confused over what he wants. She begged him to be with her, he stayed with me but says he needs to think.

3 month affair

contraception they used and it turned out they didn’t use any

He says I’m being paranoid and refuses to believe she’d do such a thing.

He doesnt know if he wants to be with you. He is defending her. You are wrong and she is right. He could have caught anything and passed it on to you (risking YOUR fertility).

Please, please leave. He will either leave you for her or continue to see her. You deserve so much better as you sound like such a lovely person.