Affair baby trap, or am I paranoid?

[MumOfJamie]

Please someone tell me I’m not crazy. My husband had a 3 month affair with a 40yo woman who has a child with her husband, who’s had the snip. Things are messy, to say the least, but DH has cut all ties with the other woman and is now confused over what he wants. She begged him to be with her, he stayed with me but says he needs to think.

Anyway, it occurred to me that she may be pregnant, so I asked him. He said no, she couldn’t be pregnant but I probed about what kind of contraception they used and it turned out they didn’t use any. She told him fertility ‘dips at 40’. So for two months in a row, they had pregnancy scares, her period came twice. He said he broached the subject a few times, she shrugged it off. I know this woman, her husband and child, we moved in the same circle. She is a planner, super organised with everything. I don’t believe she’d leave contraception to chance, especially when her husband has been snipped. In my mind, she was looking for a way out of her marriage and trying to trap my husband into leaving me. He says I’m being paranoid and refuses to believe she’d do such a thing.

I’d be quite prepared to move on from this affair business as we’ve been together for 14 years and happy most of that time. But it’s like DH is still stuck in his affair fantasy land and refusing to see what I see.

Honest opinions please, I can take it. Thanks!

What are you doing OP? Seriously. He’s sticking his unprotected bits in some other woman’s hole. You and her husband are essentially sharing germs and what not. Disgusting. Have more self respect. The degree is a red herring. You don’t need to stay with him to do a degree. There are plenty of single people do a degree! What an incredibly weird way of looking at things! Get rid. Get half of everything. Get any single person benefits you are entitled to...income support etc...educate yourself please. Go see the financial people at uni and find out what you are entitled to. You can always postpone your degree for a year and then pick itback up when this mess is sorted. And for gods sakes get yourself tested. He could be giving you anything. Sickening.

Does it matter if she was trying to “trap” him or not?
If she phoned you tomorrow and said “yes, I was trying to get pg” what actual difference would that make to your situation right now?
If you decide to stay that’s up to you but concentrate on the person who cheated on you rather than anyone else and what they did/didn’t di

OP, what a horrible situation. Your H shags someone else for 3 months and doesn't even use contraception?? WTF is he thinking?? If I were you I'd go to a STI clinic and get checked out.

I’d be quite prepared to move on from this affair business as we’ve been together for 14 years and happy most of that time

Why would you be prepared to do this? Your h plainly doesn't care much about you, or respect you, if this is how he behaves. You're worth more than that!

See a solicitor - find out what you'd be entitled to if you split. Ans think about what YOU want. Not what your h wants.

Sorry you are going through this. To be honest, the one who seems to be 'trapped' is you, for whatever reasons. I would focus on how I got trapped myself rather than the plausibility of someone else trying to trap my partner

No he’s not squirrelling away money or hiding anything. He’s just moving around most of the time and has lost interest in pretty much everything, including real life such as bills etc. I have access to his money and if there’s any squirrelling it’ll be me doing it. So that’s something.

The affair ended because I finally noticed what was going on right under my nose, asked him a few questions and it all came flooding out. I contacted her husband the same day to tell him, and he had figured it all out before me and had been on her case for weeks but she kept denying it and my husband was having his cake and eating it. They knew her husband was on the case and realised it was all about to blow up, but they didn’t have me on the radar at all because I’m generally not very controlling. Never had a reason to doubt my husband before this - lesson learned. Her husband was adamant he wanted to keep their family together (14yo child). We don’t have any kids, I’m 40. There’s no contact at all between my husband and OW at the moment.

OP he not only disrespected you, broke your marriage vows, lied over and over, he also compromised your health by having unprotected sex with her.

The only question you need ask is why your self esteem is so low that you are willing to accept him treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe.

Sweetheart, they were shagging for 3 months and she had 2 scares and he STILL did nothing about (a) contraception and (b) ending it?

Get legal advice, I dare say you might not be as dependant on sticking there as you think.

You don't have any kids? FFS woman run for the hills!! get the hell out of there! He can pay you maintenance until you are on your feet

I’m sorry OP but what has he got to think about now?? He sounds like a Selfish twat. Should he not be grateful at this point that you are willing to move on from this and exert his entire energy into making you feel like the most important person in his life, instead of you worrying about his or her intentions?? Coming back to you is NOT enough for you to be satisfied he chose you if you are still feeling the way you are. Sorry but in my opinion you have not just accepted that you can never trust your husband again, but your passive behaviour has shown him that he can do what the hell he wants and not have to worry about the consequences as long as he half Willingly comes back to you at the end of it.
Your post is so relaxed, are you really this passive or is that just a coping mechanism??

I expect he fell madly in love with her and was living his fantasy to the point of almost wishing she got pregnant so she would then leave her husband and then they could be together.

She used him to have another child was probably planning to dump him afterward.

It all came out too early she chose her husband and your OH had to face the reality she was using him. He is now depressed as the fantasy is over and confused about his feelings for you and whether he does love you but the fantasy got in the way or whether the fantasy started because he had stopped loving you.

Stay with him until you've finished your degree. Divorce him when you decide it's the right time for you.

I think the OP does know he’s a selfish twat!

I think the relaxed style is a coping mechanism, shock, and a feeling of do nothing right now, think it through, don’t rush into anything because it’s such a huge shock.

I’ve been there, with a bf not DH, and I was the same. I crashed eventually but my false calm gave me enough breathing space to cope.

As pp have said, finish your degree and speak to the Uni for support.

Then leave.

But, you say you have access to his money. You are married. The money is joint, not his and not yours. Joint

You don’t need to put up with this just because you can’t afford to support yourself through university.

I think you have lost your compass.

This is absolutely awful stuff and you need to think about the situation you are in. No money is worth that. Good luck to you.

You don’t have children? Defer the course, woman!

This man does not care about you and he does not care about destroying a family. He is so, so awful.

Really don’t have children with him.

Seriously, bin him off. he is a selfish, stupid loser. And if you stay with him, you are too.

Look up your university's intercalating procedures as well. You can take a break and return at the same part of your degree you're at now.

Does it matter if she was trying to “trap” him or not?
If she phoned you tomorrow and said “yes, I was trying to get pg” what actual difference would that make to your situation right now?
Then, so the logic goes, the husband might see how awful she is and stop pining after her... OP is so desperate to keep him that this tactic seems a good idea.

If you don't even have kids there's even less reason to stay with such a loser. Get out, find someone who treats you with respect.

I am not a person who thinks there is never any coming back from an affair - I do think it can be done. In a case like this? No.

I might be able to forgive an affair but I couldn't forgive that level of stupid.

"fertility dips" so he had unprotected sex with a 40 year old woman and had two pregnacy scares in a row?

Agree with those who have said if you don’t have kids then get out

Reading this just feeling so, so much pity for you thinking so little of yourself that you’re just accepting this! He has had unprotected sex for months with another woman who could now be pregnant and all you are concerned about is that he may end up leaving you?? You should have left him as soon as you found out ffs.

He hasn’t had a drunken one night stand, he has had an affair with someone you both know for months and furthermore, he didn’t even use protection. LTB.

You’re pouring all your energies into understanding why SHE had an affair, but don’t seem to be giving any thought to why HE did. Surely that should be your bigger concern. He hasn’t faced any negative consequences and now has women fighting over him, so what’s to stop him doing it again?

If you don’t have kids, I can’t see any reason to stay. Defer your course, or get some assistance to finish it without his ‘support.’

Was it a 2 way thing is he trying to also trap her? Does she have a lot of money?

Why are you focusing on that when you have much, much bigger things to think about?

There is nothing to be gained from getting your DH to believe this woman is capable of that. Why would you put him in a position where he is even thinking about her, let alone defending her? Perhaps, in the shock of it all, you're focusing on the wrong things as a kind of distraction.

Op I totally empathise with you wanting to get your course finished.

What ever you decide to do and when, keep getting support here.

Only you can know how much you can deal with in one go.