Affair baby trap, or am I paranoid?

[MumOfJamie]

Please someone tell me I’m not crazy. My husband had a 3 month affair with a 40yo woman who has a child with her husband, who’s had the snip. Things are messy, to say the least, but DH has cut all ties with the other woman and is now confused over what he wants. She begged him to be with her, he stayed with me but says he needs to think.

Anyway, it occurred to me that she may be pregnant, so I asked him. He said no, she couldn’t be pregnant but I probed about what kind of contraception they used and it turned out they didn’t use any. She told him fertility ‘dips at 40’. So for two months in a row, they had pregnancy scares, her period came twice. He said he broached the subject a few times, she shrugged it off. I know this woman, her husband and child, we moved in the same circle. She is a planner, super organised with everything. I don’t believe she’d leave contraception to chance, especially when her husband has been snipped. In my mind, she was looking for a way out of her marriage and trying to trap my husband into leaving me. He says I’m being paranoid and refuses to believe she’d do such a thing.

I’d be quite prepared to move on from this affair business as we’ve been together for 14 years and happy most of that time. But it’s like DH is still stuck in his affair fantasy land and refusing to see what I see.

Honest opinions please, I can take it. Thanks!

That last sentence was harsh and completely unnecessary, AnyFucker

I agree with the rest of your post but wtf

AF is only being honest I thought my post might have come across harsh but sometimes we need people to be direct to really see things as they are rather than sugar coating things.

I think you're in shock.

I can't believe you're planning to stay with him.

'Still in his affair fantasy land?' Fucking hell!

No offence taken by any of the harsh posts - I’ve read many a netmums post, I knew what to expect and I appreciate honesty. Yep, I’m in shock. Nope, I’m not actually a doormat but I can see why AF would get that idea.

AnyFucker has not been harsh:

I’d be quite prepared to move on from this affair business as we’ve been together for 14 years and happy most of that time is what the OP said. I agree, the OP is buying this abysmal shit.

From a different perspective, I did forgive my husband, it was a one night stand I found out straight away and I kicked him out and he had a relationship with her after. We were apart for 3 months. But he made the effort with me not the other way round. It took a lot of work and I certainly wasn't ready to take him straight back. I also made him do a full sti test. Our situation is ours and im sure people have something to say but that aside It sounds like he's not really bothered to be brutally honest. I would take a huge step back if he's still debating whether he wants to be with her. Do not let your reliance on him cloud your judgement. He will know you rely on him and that will give him reason to treat you like this again. I had to find somewhere to live and start again, didn't think it was possible but I did. As you're married he should help you.

Also it may well be he is hanging on if she is claiming she's pregnant, she may be she may not. In my case, the girl claimed she was pregnant and my husband never believed it asked her for pictures of a positive test etc never got them. Magically 2 weeks later she wasn't anymore, no explaination.

Why are you focusing on the fact that this woman may be pregnant? She either is or isn’t! Do you think he is still seeing her?

I can understand you are in shock but unless he is still seeing her I don’t think she is pregnant.

She begged him to be with her, he stayed with me but says he needs to think.
You only have his word for this, for all you know she could have kicked him to the curb. He's setting himself out to be some sort of prize that you have to fight to win.

You don't have to put yourself through this OP. A very close friend was left with a newborn in her second year of her degree and hasn't seen the father since. She has no family. She not only finished her degree but came out with a first. Lean on your university for help, and friends. You CAN do this without an utter shit of a 'D'H trying to make you think you need him.

You are obviously an intelligent woman (doing your degree etc) but come on, love. Your life has more value than what you are proposing. No man is worth this.

Can you not see he has pitted two women against each other and you are doing the Pick Me Dance like you had trained all ypur life for it.

Get yourself to chump lady and find your self respect

The problem you have is not OW, not even your ridiculous husband, the problem is the knots you are tying yourself in to stay in a relationship that brings you down

AnyFucker, that last sentence was unnecessarily unpleasant.

OP, agreeing with the majority of the other people. Don't fall into the trap of vilifying the other woman in order to let your husband off the hook in your head. He has behaved appallingly, and is continuing to do so, and you clearly feel so economically disempowered that this is what sounds as if it is colouring your passivity.

If you were economically independent, what would you do now? is the thing to ask yourself. And whether, if you were, you would put up with the humiliating situation of waiting for your shithead DH to pick wife or mistress, as if he were choosing icecream flavours.

Best wishes. Be kind to yourself, but don't let him off any hooks on economic grounds.

I meant your earlier post, AF

Look after yourself, OP. Let him have 'time to think' while you finish your degree.

So you admit he’s a massive dick. He will always be one.

And yet you want to stay married to a massive dick for the rest of your life. Why is your self worth so pitiful?

I agree with PP that you should complete your degree and run for the hills.

This rings bells with me. Lots of similarities to my first marriage. Looking back, I wish I'd been able to think more clearly and realise that I was worth more. Now, married to a man who really loves and respects me, I wonder why I would ever have thought it was worth staying with someone who clearly wasn't putting me first. I'd advise you to tell him to leave while he does his thinking. You are making him too comfortable. If when he's thought, he decides you are the one he wants, then maybe it would be worth trying again, though I doubt it. Life without a husband isn't all bad, you know. Eat what and when you like, watch what you like on telly, Go out where and with whom you like (There are some lovely men out there) And if you have children, life is much better for them in a happy stress free environment.

MumOfJamie, I understand what you are saying. Complete your degree and re-evaluate your situation. Sit down with your DH and have a heart to heart. At the end of the day you have one life, cheating is unfair, but there's no point wasting away while you give him time to think about choosing you or not. What if he doesn't pick you, what are you going to do?

Think about this if it were the other way around. Pretend you had the affair and are now setting yourself up as the prize between two men. Should you stay with this one, that one, which one would please you more, which one would beg for you more...

It’s horrible. That’s what he’s doing.

However, you need to look after yourself. No begging (google 180 relationship rules) no emotion. Finish your degree as a pp says. Meanwhile get paperwork together and see a solicitor about what would happen if you leave. You don’t have to leave, you just need to know where you stand. After all, he might go.

Also, consider that he’s already made up his mind and is biding his time because he’s squirrelling money, looking for a new job, hiding assets... If he’s seen a solicitor and they have him the news that he has to split everything with you, he may be hiding stuff.

He’s a liar and a cheat, remember that. You need to keep on top of what he is doing. Look through paperwork as soon as you can.

Let's just clarify the word 'doormat' for a minute. No one sets out to be a doormat. It could be called being overly compliant. Probably because of being brought up thinking that men are the leaders and decision-makers in any household. And becoming more disempowered without realising it. It can make you a lovely loyal kind person, but if you happen to marry a shit then the skills are not there to assert your position.
I second the suggestion that you should seek support in real life either from the college counselling service or get private counselling. Have you told anyone else, friends or family what has happened? How long ago did you find out about his affair? Why did the affair end?

It’s pretty ironic. I’ve dished out many a piece of advice to friends in toxic marriages or relationships, quite often very similar to what most of you are saying. Now the boot is on the other foot and OMG it’s horrendous. I know I need to get out of this, and that I deserve better than this shit show. If I wasn’t financially dependent, I’d have upped sticks there and then. But I couldn’t. I’ll see if the uni can help, if not I’m going to have to stick this out for 10 months. I know he’s being an asshole. But I also know I’ll come out stronger on the other side of this.

Forgot to say... I also think that it sounds like you are trying to put him off her by telling him she is baby trapping him. If we think that (that you are saying it to get to him) he’s going to think that also. And if he thinks you are just saying it to be nasty, he won’t believe it even if it is true.

Less is more. The less you say, the more it hits home. Keep quiet on that dubject. If you haven’t broached the topic of stds with him yet, say that you are going to be tested once and once only. Don’t rub it in or he will find fault with you, not her or himself. Tell him once and let him stew about it.

I may have this wrong but I think the reason you are giving him time to think is to give yourself a bit longer without having to face the upheaval that will come when you either kick him out/leave him or he leaves you

Fourteen years is a big investment of time and energy and it is scary to think of starting again...new career, supporting yourself, being alone without any family support. For some people anyone is better than no one.

You don't say how old you are ...30s...or whether you have any children, (is maybe being childless a concern).

Finally is the OW hubby aware of what is going on? Does he want his marriage to continue after this affair...sorry getting off the point.

I left my husband years ago, it was really tough, now I am on my own and quite lonely. My daughter left her husband after he cheated, she meet someone else has two children and is much happier than she wd ever have been with her first husband.

The point is only you can decide what is best for you ...usually when people ask for advice what they really want is for others to back up the decision they have already made.

Good luck with your degree and the rest of your life, jane

If you’re staying for 10 months, definitely google the 180 relationship technique.

As @frasier says, He’s a liar and a cheat, remember that.

I thought my ex was so honourable, that it would be beneath his dignity to lie 😂 I can't believe I was so foolish. Lied and lied and lied, and then lied some more.

See a solicitor. Do what suits you not what suits him. If you stay for the next year, do it because it enables you to finish your degree. If you decide to leave, make sure you get support from him until your degree is in the bag.

Try not to be desperate to hold onto him. That hands him all the power, and he'll fuck you around on principle.

Sounds like you need to temporarily get your head down, concentrate and go into a kind of crisis mode. My advice:

1. Get on with your degree - focus on that for now.
2. Look after yourself well. Exercise, eat well, good routine/sleep. Be really kind and tolerant with yourself.
3. Get yourself STI checked.
4. Live in as independent way as possible while not actively breaking up (since you're not ready for this).
5. Try not to dwell too much on the OW - she's basically irrelevant.
6. Reappraise when you've graduated.

If high emotion prevents this strategy, give yourself a break, tell the uni, and perhaps get some counselling to help with what direction you're heading in. You can still do it. Be kind to yourself.

Sorry this has happened, OP. Best of luck.

OP, you've had a big shock and it will take time to come to terms with it, it's you that needs the thinking time not him.

Please don't do the 'pick me' dance - he's not worth it. Any man who does this is not worth your tears or your time. Drop the baby trap idea and focus on the real issues here. Speak to your Uni.

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/