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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is she always The Other Woman

86 replies

WhyDoes · 28/06/2018 11:07

I am so upset with my sister.

Ten years ago, she started an affair with a married man. He had four children under the 10. His wife eventually found out and did the pick me dance. And he went back to his family leaving my sister incandescent with rage. She honestly believed that he would leave his family for her. Not saying she was just with him for the money but an important bit of info is that he is very, very weathly.

Fast forward a year and she’s become involved with another married father of two, again, very young children.
He has said he will leave them for her.

WHY does she always have to be the OW? She has always been this way. Even when we were teenagers she would sleep with the boyfriends of other girls. It’s like she gets off on it.

I’m so mad at her. And yet she is my sister and I don’t want her to get hurt by yet another man who promises her the world then chickens out leaving her high and dry.

How do I get through to her to stop fucking around with married men?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 28/06/2018 11:09

You clearly won't. She seems to be hardwired this way.

ChickensError · 28/06/2018 11:10

I think if you see it as a moral failing and feel judgemental then reallly you aren't going to be able to help her. You're probably best off distancing yourself. She could benefit from counselling and unpacking what's driving her behaviour. But no one can be shouted/shamed out of a ingrained pattern of behaviour that's meeting an unmet need.

Typeractive · 28/06/2018 11:12

You're not going to find out the answer to your question from a load of Internet strangers. Why don't you ask your sister instead of slagging her off?

HollowTalk · 28/06/2018 11:16

It sounds as though she needs counselling, but I doubt she'd go.

Original poster

WhyDoes · 28/06/2018 11:21

I have tried to talk to her, of course I have. But she honestly seems to believe each time that they are star crossed lovers. I think she needs the drama.

Im trying to understand why anyone would persistently put themselves in the position of the OW. Yes, I think does need counselling. But, I don’t think she’d either agree or go.

OP posts:

chemicalworld · 28/06/2018 11:22

She needs to question why she keeps picking unavailable men. Having a go at her won't help but getting her to try and look at her behaviour might.

Original poster

WhyDoes · 28/06/2018 11:28

I don’t have a go at her at all. I listen to her declarations of love but when I point out the reality that they are married with small children, she gets cross with me. She says if his wife was a better partner, he wouldn’t feel the need to find someone else.

OP posts:

Hissy · 28/06/2018 11:30

It’s like she gets off on it.
I think she needs the drama.

you answered your own question

As for having a go at her, why not? she deserves it!

Purdyflick · 28/06/2018 11:35

I can understand your concerns, as she is your sister.I think it's just some people's way ( I'm not saying it's the right way). I don't think you will change her. She's got to want to change yourself.

A relative of ours has been in a relationship with a married man for 50years. He's wife knows. He spends Christmas Day with his wife one year, his girlfriend the next year. He has separate holidays and nights out with both of them.Talk about have your cake and eat it😱.

Cricrichan · 28/06/2018 11:35

I have two friends like this. It's like they think they don't deserve complete love.

Mxyzptlk · 28/06/2018 11:36

It doesn't matter what the man's relationship with his wife is like.
Can she look at it from her own point of view, as having put herself into a difficult situation that is likely not to end well?

Tell her you don't want to hear anything about it. Maybe lack of an interested audience could remove some of the 'drama' for her.

Hissy · 28/06/2018 11:36

She gets cross with you because you are right and are pointing out the inconvenient truth, she is attacking the wives of these lying cheating scumbags because if she didn't it would be HER and HIM that were the villains in the story.

I would NOT listen to her stories at all, I would tell her to go find her self respect and when she was ready to be a decent human being to contact me, otherwise, to stay well away from me and my family.

rainingcatsanddog · 28/06/2018 11:39

You've answered your own question- she probably gets turned on by it.

Is it possible that she has low self esteem and wants to "test" potential bf by having them pick her?

Where does she meet the men? Does she know they are married when they start?

Does she want an unattached man?

SevenOf1981 · 28/06/2018 11:44

From personal experience, I think it's a self esteem thing. 'Look at what he's prepared to risk, just for me'!

And it makes her feel special.

I have been on both sides of the coin and it did make me feel like I was worth something. I was in a dark place then though.

chemicalworld · 28/06/2018 11:46

Of course she has low self esteem.

Imstickingwiththisone · 28/06/2018 11:46

How can she ever have a functional relationship now if the only men she's ever been with have been cheats? No trust, jealousy and forever doing the pick me dance so they never lose interest. This cycle will only get worse unless she breaks it.

She sounds very naive and insecure.

PretABoire · 28/06/2018 11:48

I have an ex-friend who does this and it's revolting. Almost entirely stems from low self esteem and insecurity in my experience. They get off on knowing the bloke is risking his wife, kids, home, just for a shag with her because she's sooooooo hot and special. Not realising it's actually because he's a cunt and she's easy.

PinkHeart5914 · 28/06/2018 11:55

Clearly She has no class or morals. FFS to shag a married man once is bad enough but to then drop your knickers for another why? Maybe she likes sharing a cock, maybe being the other woman turns her on?

So she keeps screwing over these innocent women for no reason, so karma has to come back around. Hopefully one day she’ll be with someone she really loves and he’ll cheat so she can experience the pain she’s knowingly caused other women.

If it was my sister I’d be disgusted and I’d be telling her so, there is no excuse for her behaviour.

SoapOnARoap · 28/06/2018 12:18

Does she get off on the fact she can get supposedly unavailable men?

Such a pity

eyycarumba · 28/06/2018 12:22

I have a sister like this. She simply enjoys a man picking her over his wife and gets some sick validation out of it (she's also very spiteful and has told the wives - not out of honesty or warped kindness), of course, they never actually leave their families and she moans about being single and not having a decent man...

Not sure what the attraction is about having sloppy seconds and sitting at home alone knowing your 'man' is with his actual family. She's obviously got issues (daddy issues?) but what she's doing is disgusting and karma is a bitch; she needs to realise these men will never actually stay with her because she's cheapening herself by making herself so available to an 'unavailable' man, why would they get serious with someone with such low morals? She'll always be their bit on the side, never main course, all she offers is a temporary distraction.

Original poster

WhyDoes · 28/06/2018 12:28

Well, this is the bit I really don’t understand. She genuinely believes that the MM loves her more than his family and that’s validation enough for her. She doesn’t get jealous or anything like that because, in her mind, the fact that he now loves her more than his family means that she is truly special. Never mind that she is breaking up a family. She can be so utterly selfish at times

OP posts:

Robin233 · 28/06/2018 12:43

If the MM really loved her they would leave their family for her.
But they DONT because they don't really love her.
There was a woman , years ago who slept with loads of married men. One day she met her soul mate - he was single and they got married.
She was happy and very much in love. Guess what ? He ended up cheating on her and she was devastated .
Tell her to grow up and get into therapy.
There loads of single blokes out there.
Good luck x

yetmorecrap · 28/06/2018 13:01

She probably gets off on the secrecy, just like some married men do.

DearMrDilkington · 28/06/2018 13:09

Has she ever had a normal long term relationship? Does she know these men are married when she first meets them?

She sounds like she really needs some counselling, something has gone wrong somewhere.

midnightmisssuki · 28/06/2018 13:10

It sounds awful - i should know, i have a similar issue with my sister (but a little different). I have given up now with her (in the relationship issues) department. I just morally cannot allow myself to deal with it anymore so we dont talk about it and she doesnt say a word about it. Its very superficial though (our relationship) - i wish i had a better relationship with her but i dont know when (if) she will ever change. She s good person in other ways - just not when it comes to guys.

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